Category: How Get Your Ex Back

How to get your Ex Back? How to make your Ex come Back.

 

Winning Back Your Ex Made Easy

Winning back your ex made easy?

We all know that sad, empty feeling that hits us abruptly after a breakup. We’ve just lost a very special person who made us incredibly happy. But did you really lose your ex? Hopefully not! We’d like to show you how you can significantly improve your chances of successfully winning them back.

Winning back your ex made easy

A breakup is a normal, albeit painful, event that happens to all of us once or more in our lives. There are many reasons why a partner may break up with you, but all breakups have one thing in common: the feelings are no longer strong enough at the moment.

This is exactly what will happen in your case. Your ex-partner is not (yet) strongly enough attracted to you. Unfortunately, he can currently imagine a life without you and has therefore decided to separate from you.

Maybe your ex-partner was very direct during the breakup, or maybe his behavior was rather confusing or even ambiguous. Probably you have heard one of the following sentences recently?

  • I don’t have feelings for you anymore.
  • I just don’t know what I want.
  • I need time for myself.
  • I have met someone else.
  • We don’t fit together anymore.
  • I am not ready for a committed relationship.
  • Please leave me alone from today.

You are a wonderful person and I like you very much. But I don’t want a relationship right now. But is it really possible to Winning back your ex made easy?

Thank you for the wonderful time. I wish you all the best for your future.
No matter in which way your ex ended your relationship, the most important thing from today on is one thing: that you behave properly and do not make any critical mistakes.

In our free eBook “Save Your Relationship: Your Emergency Plan to Win Back Your Ex”, we explain exactly how you need to behave from today onwards and which five components are crucial for the success of your ex-return strategy.

But first, we want to explain to you which behaviors will NOT make your ex fall in love with you again:

Do not run after your ex-partner under any circumstances. You will only show your dependence and make him feel less attracted to you every day. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you have to regularly remind your ex-partner of you so that he doesn’t forget you.

Refrain from declaring love. Your ex-partner will not fall in love with you again just because you tell him how much you love and admire him. Love comes about in other ways. Only clever psychological behavior can make your ex develop feelings for you again.

Do not become the best friend of your ex-partner. You won’t give him/her a chance to miss you in any way. You will not win your ex back through friendship, but make the breakup even more painful than it already is.

By all means, don’t let yourself down. Of course, the temptation to lie in bed all day and be sad is extremely strong at the moment. But you won’t be able to attract your ex anytime soon, nor will you be able to control your heartbreak.

All these mistakes have one thing in common: they all make your ex feel even less attracted to you. But you want to achieve something completely different. You want your ex to think as soon as possible:

“I really regret my decision, I don’t want to lose this great and admirable person, I want to spend the rest of my life with him/her.”

In our guide, we will show you not only how big your chance actually is, but also which behaviors are psychologically most effective and which 10 critical mistakes you must avoid at all costs.

Winning back your ex made easy really doesn’t have to be difficult.

Click Here…And Watch an unbelievable Video!

Is it actually possible to get an ex back?

11 surefire indications that you will get your ex back (Will we return together?).

So you are trying to determine how to get back together with your ex. I get asked this concern all the time.

Can you get back together with your ex?

The specific scenarios and situations are constantly different, but the core concern is the same. You want to know if your ex misses you enough to go back to the method things were, only better this time.

You wish to know if it is still possible to revive a previous relationship, or if too many things have actually happened to make it impossible. You might think that excessive time has passed. Or you may believe that excessive damage has actually been done because it ended so badly.

In this short article you will find the main signs that you can return together with your ex. So do not worry about it. You will have an answer in the end.

The bottom line is … it is definitely possible to get your ex back in all kinds of situations. I’ve personally seen it happen a lot of times to even count. I’ve seen couples who were separated for a long time manage to get back together after realising they wished to try once again.

However I have actually also seen lots of circumstances where it simply wasn’t suggested to be, whether it was since the relationship was too hazardous and inefficient to be repaired … or that it was more of a rebound relationship or a physical relationship than a genuine, meaningful emotional connection.

How do you understand that a reunion will even work?

Do ex-boyfriends return together? Yes. “Should I return together with my ex-boyfriend? Will we get back together?” The response is. You require to evaluate a few things before you can decide.

You may have the ability to win him back, however the real factor to consider you should never discount is: How do you know if it will work this time or if it will simply end in heartbreak once again?

Ask yourself the following:

1. has anything changed because we were together?

Something needs to be different this time for it to work. 2.

2. evaluate the reason for the split and whether you can put it behind you. Has somebody cheated? Did something happen that you both can’t get past? Think about this before rushing into something without truly knowing if things can work or not.

With all that stated, I want to offer you the concrete signs that returning together is in fact reasonable. I have studied relationship dynamics over the years and have seen certain patterns and patterns in couples getting back together.

Based on all these patterns and after compiling tons of data, I have recognized these key signs that you will get back together. I will go through with you the crucial factors to think about and describe what type of scenario typically leads to a couple rekindling a previous relationship.

The reason( s) for the separation
Was the relationship ended because someone cheated? This is hard to shift, although it is possible with EXTREME changes.

Did you no longer have physical intimacy? Was one partner more thinking about sex, leaving the other partner sensation dissatisfied and unwanted? Did this cause a great deal of tension?

Was the relationship co-dependent and unhealthy?

These reasons make it not likely that you will revive things.

Another aspect to think about is: Existed monetary issues that tore you apart? If so, you may be able to find a way to resolve this. It truly depends on the particular scenario whether you want to compromise and make changes.

If it was that your costs routines ran out control and he wanted to conserve money, which led to frequent arguments, you ought to not get back together unless you are both willing to jeopardize and alter.

Or was it something like far away that tore you apart? If you can make an effort to either see each other more frequently or transfer to be better together, there is a likelihood of getting back together if it was range that tore you apart.

How long were you together?

The length of time were you together? As a rule of thumb, the longer you were together, the better possibility you have of returning together.

And why is that? Since in order to be together that long, there clearly needed to be a real, psychological connection.

On the other hand, even if you weren’t together that long, if there was a deep emotional connection, you still have a chance of returning together.

Naturally, this needs to be thought about together with the factor for your separation. It is a good sign for your potential customers of getting back together if you were together for a long time, however if you broke up since among you cheated and the trust was broken, then your possibilities are much worse.

If, on the other hand, you were just together for a short time however had an intense, enthusiastic, kind of crazy connection, but then needed to separate since one of you needed to move away and you didn’t want to have a long-distance relationship, and now you live in the exact same city again, your possibilities are far better.

The way things ended

Did someone break the other’s heart or was it something that occurred naturally? If it happened naturally and amicably, and both consented to it, that’s an excellent bet for you to get back together.

Did it end in a heated argument where you both said dreadful things to injure each other, just to regret it afterwards? That makes the chances of getting back together much less most likely, unless both parties have actually changed considerably and those injuries have healed.

Did it end in an awful divorce with a custody battle? It’s frequently difficult to recuperate from, especially because divorce can bring out the ugliest side of a person.

A great rule of thumb is to put in the time to discover how you felt about each other at the end. If you felt authentic contempt, loathing and hatred for each other, these feelings will make returning together all the more difficult.

However, if you still liked and appreciated each other as individuals however had to separate for another reason, it is a lot more likely that it would work out if you both decided to return together.

Whether you are both single

This is an obvious point, but worth thinking about. If among you remains in a major relationship, it is certainly much more difficult to revive an old relationship.

On the other hand, if he is not single, he could be in a rebound relationship. In this article, you will discover what indications show that his relationship is a rebound relationship and not something severe.

How you behaved after the break-up

Did you make efforts to do “things” to get back together? Did all these things stop working? Did you call him a couple of times and persistently attempt to call him? All this implies that it is much less most likely that you will return together.

If, on the other hand, you have actually preserved a good relationship after the separation and got on well together, it is a lot more likely that you will return together.

If you stay close, remain linked and both make an effort to remain in each other’s lives, possibilities are you will return together.

It’s difficult to know what to do after a break up if you wish to return together with your ex. Typically your impulses inform you to do precisely the incorrect thing.

Whether you were incorporated into the other individual’s life
Did you satisfy his moms and dads? Did he satisfy your parents? Did your parents like him? Did his moms and dads like you? If you were extremely integrated into each other’s lives and both your parents and buddies and family members authorize of the relationship, you are far more most likely to get back together.

The genuine question here is: Did individuals closest to you learn about your relationship or was it something private?

If the relationship was kept “secret” and not publicly introduced to anyone important in your life, that suggests you most likely will not return together unless that changes.

Whether you are both emotionally prepared for a relationship.

Are you prepared to come out once again, even if you might get hurt in the process? Are you really ready to make that commitment once again? Is HE ready? What often occurs when people get harmed is that they are not prepared to jump back into a relationship.

If he’s not all set, you can’t force him to be. The very same is true for you. If you’re not really ready, it’s finest to wait till you are to even consider something like this.

Whether you have actually proceeded as an individual

Is your ex the like when you were in a relationship? Or have you progressed as people? Have you made necessary changes and dealt with yourself so that this time it in fact works?

Frequently asked questions about how to get back together with your ex:

How do you get back together naturally after a separation?

Do not attempt to force things to take place. If you attempt to require it, you will in fact make it much worse. It will be harder to conserve a relationship if you attempt to require it. The secret to getting your ex back is to let it take place naturally. This provides you a genuine possibility at a fresh start.

The length of time after the breakup to return together?

You need to always wait at least a little while prior to leaping right back into things and returning together. Do not rush it. You require time to grow as individuals.

It’s healthy to look at things from a range, it provides you perspective and time to both grow as individuals. When you get back together, you will both be much better people which will result in a better relationship.

The ex states there is no chance of getting back together?

Him stating that is normal and even to be expected, however nothing is ever final if you make changes. Concentrate on yourself and be the sort of individual you wish to be around. There is always an opportunity that things will change for the better. You simply need to give it time.

How do you get your ex back?

Don’t be needy. Use the no contact guideline. Don’t contact him for one month after the break up. Then slowly reintroduce contact in such a way that creates a delighted, favorable state of mind. Do not indulge the past. This makes it impossible to develop a brand-new present and future.

Do ex-partners return together after years?

Yes. In fact, time heals wounds, so this is even more most likely than getting back together ideal after a bad break-up.

How to return together with an ex

The secret is to take a look at why it didn’t exercise last time and analyze what will be various this time.

If neither of you have actually changed or dealt with yourselves, it’s not likely you’ll return together (and even if you do return together, it’s unlikely to work if neither of you have actually altered).

Even if you can get your ex back doesn’t mean you should. To put it simply: If neither of you has altered, what’s the point of returning together because you’ll end up back at the very same unfavorable point where you broke up? Think about what is different about one or both of you before you decide to try again.

Whether you have the ability to forgive each other.

This is very important due to the fact that even if the relationship is “old”, getting back together must be a “new”, fresh scenario.

If you can not forgive (whether it is among you who needs to forgive or both of you), somebody will hold on to their grudges. Resentment is a relationship killer. If there is still any kind of bitterness, you may as well stop considering returning together due to the fact that it will produce a negative ambiance from the start and make you dissatisfied.

Your scenarios

Do you both work in jobs that require you to be far away? If you live very far from each other, this will reduce the possibilities of you returning together.

Another factor that reduces the chances of you getting back together is if both of your lives are remarkably busy.

Another element to consider is if there are children included. If you have kids together, that’s an obvious factor to return together, however that’s definitely not a reason to try to force things to work that don’t naturally work.

This leads me to the last element …

How natural it feels

This is what really matters at the end of the day. If it feels “ideal” and simple and easy, that’s an advantage. It makes it likely that you will get back together (and that your relationship will be happy).

On the other hand, if it feels required and uncomfortable, that’s a bad indication, showing that you won’t return together (and even if you do, things won’t enter a great, delighted instructions).

These are the primary signs that you can get your ex back, however even if you see all these signs, if you don’t understand exactly what to do, then your opportunities of getting him back are almost zero. That’s why you require the secret formula to get your ex back in your arms. It makes him see you as “the one”, the lady he could not possibly live without. Don’t wait, because every day that passes while you’re apart indicates it’s more and more most likely that his feelings will fade and after that it will be impossible to get him back, so read this now before it’s too late: Do You Want Your Ex Back? Use This To Get Them Back … To Sum Up …

These are the signs that you can get your ex back
The reason you broke up was not something that made you hate each other
You were together for an actually long period of time
You separated amicably instead of breaking each other’s hearts
You are both single
You have not been resentful towards each other given that the break-up
You were integrated into each other’s lives
You are both mentally ready for a relationship
You have actually both grown as individuals given that the split
You have forgiven each other
Your scenarios make it simple for you to have a relationship together
It feels natural to be together

Welcome To Be With Her Again

Hello,

BeWithHer.com, Get your Ex back

I would like to welcome you to my new website. If you have had the painful experience of a breakup, then you are in the right place.

I have collected a lot of information that will help you get through this difficult time and possibly get back together with your ex.

Read a few articles, follow the links to the information pages, and you will soon be happy again.

Have fun on BeWithHer.com!

The Strangest Thing About Getting Back With Your Ex

Want to know the strangest thing about getting back with your ex?

That actually getting back with an ex isn’t that hard. With a couple tricks, getting back to together can actually be really easy.

The tricky part is actually keeping him once he’s back. There’s a difference between learning how to get your ex back and learning how to win your ex back.

Lots of women get back with ex boyfriends every day. But most of them lose him again.

Why?

Because the same problems that destroyed their relationship before are still there, unaddressed.

And unless you know how to find and solve those problems that are rooted in the dynamic of your relationship, they’ll stick around, waiting to ruin your chances with him again.

To get your ex back and keep him for good – that takes a little bit more.

(But not a lot more, don’t worry.)

In this article, I’m going to give you a 5 step plan that will teach you how to win back your ex by magnetically drawing him back in – and keeping him there once he’s back.

Getting your ex back is only hard when you make mistakes. Unfortunately, it’s really easy to make mistakes when you’re struggling with the pain of a breakup with usual feelings of being lost, confused, and miserable. You might find yourself inundated with the question: I want my ex back, but where do I even start? Will my ex ever come back? How do you get your ex boyfriend back? And if it’s been long enough: Is it possible to get your ex back after months?

All of that being said, how do you get your ex back? No matter what stage of a breakup you’re in, let me fill you in on this cold, hard fact:

Getting back together with ex boyfriends is only hard when you make mistakes.

But when you have a 5-step plan, you won’t feel confused. You’ll know exactly where you’re going, and exactly how to get there, and exactly how to get over the breakup.

You’ll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel with a straight line that shows you how to get back there as fast as possible.

 

Instead of Googling vague instructives like “how to get my ex back”, you need a solid plan to help you actually do the leg work. Well, lucky for you, this article is your plan. Follow the steps I give you, and you will irresistibly draw your ex back to you.

It’s not rocket science. It’s not even complicated.

Here’s the truth – you’ve done a lot of the hard work already. At its core, getting your ex back is about letting him remember how much he misses you, and how good your relationship was.

And that’s exactly what step 1 is all about.

Step 1: The No Contact Rule – Cut Off Contact With Him

If you’re wondering how to get back together with your ex, and keep him… he has to realize how much he misses you.

And for that to happen, there can’t be any contact between you.

So here’s the rule: Cut off contact with him for at least 4 weeks.

What does that mean?

It means:

  • Not Calling Him
  • Do Not Texting Him
  • Not Contacting Him Online (Facebook Messages, Email, Gchat, Twitter, im)
  • No Spending Time With Friends In Common To Run Into Him
  • Do not Running Into Him “By Accident” (Exactly what you think it means)

If you have any questions, check the faq at the end of this section.

Here’s the big secret to making the no contact rule work that almost every so-called expert misses: No contact rule is for YOU too…

It’s when you detox yourself from everything inside that would cause problems in getting your ex back.

Yes, it’s typical after a breakup that we want to think about it constantly… worry about it, wonder about it, analyze it, etc. It is typical for people (men and women) to have a thought about the relationship or breakup and just feed into it.

It’s typical and it’s understandable. But does it help you? Not at all. In fact, it does all sorts of things that HURT your chances of getting your ex back.

This kills your mood. Do not “stuck” on him. Eating up your attention and energy, which COULD be going towards doing things that will improve your chances of getting him back.

So if you’re not detoxing how you think and feel on the inside, you’re not doing the no contact rule! This is a secret that most relationship coaches don’t tell you, but the “detox” of your inner world is the most important part of the no contact rule

The no contact rule is about not contacting him, yes, but even more importantly, it’s what YOU are doing during the no contact time that really matters.

What to do when thoughts about him, the breakup or the relationship come up in your mind:

The no contact rule is not about “waiting” or “missing him” while you’re doing it.

The no contact time is ACTIVE time you are spending to DETOX from obsessive thinking about him, missing him and negativity in your mind about the relationship.

Now I know telling you not to think about him may sound impossible right now, but there’s a way to make this super easy:

Thoughts will about him will come up from time to time. When they do, you’re just going to let them pass like meaningless clouds floating in the sky. You’ll notice they’re there, but you won’t feed into them… you won’t pursue them.

That’s the secret. Don’t FEED INTO those thoughts about him, about the relationship, about the problems, about anything he was or wasn’t doing. Do not feed  any thoughts about him or the relationship, period.

Not analyzing, you don’t reflect, you don’t show regret, you don’t wonder if you made the wrong move, and don’t wonder what he’s doing or if he’ll come back. None of it.

Fill Your Life

Instead you’ll focus on filling your life with things you love doing, things that make you happy, things that make you feel good. Fill your life up and LIVE HAPPY. While you’re giving him space to miss you and worry that he’s lost you forever (which will make him want you back more and more), you’ll be getting STRONGER by lifting your mood and happiness up, up, up…

The Best Thing About Doing No Contact

You get to discover the TRUTH about how much this guy is even willing to have a relationship with you that you really want.

Cutting off contact might sound counterintuitive, or like you’re trying to get back at your ex. But let me reassure you that this is one of the most crucial steps if you want to learn how to get back together with an ex effectively. So, why are you cutting off contact with him? For a couple of reasons:

First, it’s to get control of yourself and get some perspective on the relationship.

After a breakup, everybody gets pretty messed up – and trying to get him back while you’re in that state is only going to make things worse.

If you want to get him back, and keep him… he has to realize how much he misses you.

That’s why you need these 4 weeks to calm down, put the pieces back together, and take a real look at what your relationship was. Getting perspective means you can clearly see whether or not you were happy, whether you were right for each other, or whether you even want to have the relationship back.

Plus, it gives you the time to get past the initial unbearable phase of missing him and into a more even-tempered, secure mentality. Instead of trying to figure out signs your ex still loves you, you’ll be working on yourself and getting yourself into a better mindset. It gives you the space to say, “I don’t need him to be happy – I can be happy all on my own”.

Second, it’s to give him space to miss you and realize (all on his own) that he wants to have you back.

If you want him to notice how much he misses you, he has to have the space to notice that you’re gone.

He won’t notice the hole that you left in his life unless you let him. So if you’re still in contact with him, he won’t get lonely. If you’re still having sex with him, he won’t miss the sex or companionship. If you’re still emotionally engaging with him, he won’t miss the love and satisfaction of being with you.

The saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is true. Now is the time for you to put it to work. When you cut off contact with him, he’ll remember all the good times you two had together. Eventually, all the memories of the bad times, arguments, and mistakes will fade.

Remember that you don’t have to remind him how much he liked being in a relationship with you – he’ll notice all on his own. It’s important for him to be able to wake up one day and say to himself, “I want my ex back” without being nudged.

If you woke up without an arm, you’d notice pretty quickly that you were missing something that was vital to you. You wouldn’t need the arm to tap you on the shoulder to remind you it was gone.

You would immediately notice the ways that not having it makes your life worse, so let him notice all the ways that missing you makes his life worse.

Here is everything you need to know about the no contact rule.

But What If… (No Contact faq)

What if he contacts me? Is that breaking No Contact?

If he contacts you (like he calls you, or texts you, or sends you some other message), it’s not breaking no contact. But if you respond to him reaching out to you, that does count as breaking the rule. Responding is the same as reaching out to him on your own.

If it’s a true emergency, you can respond – but keep the conversation centered around the emergency and nothing else. No personal questions, no relationship questions, nothing about either of your lives. Stay focused on only the emergency that he contacted you about.

What Should I Do If I Broke No Contact Already?

The only way to truly gain the benefits of the no contact rule is to follow it all the way through. That means that if you broke the no contact rule, the only thing to be done is to start the no contact period over again.

The only thing that will get him missing you again is time, and the only way to get him thinking about how good the relationship was and forgetting about the pain is uninterrupted time without contact.

Plus, it’s about going cold turkey and proving to yourself that you can live your life without him in it. If you can live without him for 4 weeks, you’ve proven it to yourself.

What If We Bump Into Each Other?

First of all, don’t bump into him “on purpose”. You know what that means.

Second of all, if you truly accidentally bump into him, then here’s exactly what to do. Be upbeat, positive, and in a good mood while you’re talking to him. Let him lead the conversation and pick the subjects, and whatever you do don’t bring up relationships or your relationship with him.

Shoot for about 10 minutes and then end the conversation with him. The goal is to be upbeat, positive, and give the impression that you’re fine, everything in your life is good, and you’re feeling happy. Showing bitterness or resentment is only going to drive him further away from you.

What If He Finds Someone New During No Contact?

The short answer is – he’s not going to.

When a guy gets out of a serious relationship, he’s not going to fall in love and find someone new right away. Most guys don’t even want to get into a relationship right after getting out of a serious one. When they do, it’s almost always a “rebound” relationship designed to distract him from the pain of losing you – and it never works.

If you’re really worried that your ex is going to get into a new relationship, or you know he’s in one and you want to find out whether it’s real or not, this article will give you the signs that his new relationship is a rebound. That way, you can get a definitive answer to the question, “Is he in a rebound relationship?” and move on with putting the no contact rule to work for you.

This is about trusting that giving him time is going to make him miss you, and getting into a better mindset so you are as attractive to him as possible. The alternative is panicking, stalking him, texting him constantly, and begging him to take you back – which never works. Trust that this is the only way to get him back (and keep him for good).

Does It Really Have To Be 4 Weeks?

Yes. Remember, he needs space to remember how much he misses you, and shorter than 4 weeks just isn’t going to cut it.

Also, you need time to recover from the breakup and come out stronger, happier, and more positive. That’s just not going to happen in under 4 weeks, and it’s going to work against you if you try to do it in a shorter period of time.

Isn’t this rude, or even cruel to him? It seems so over the top.

This isn’t about “punishing” him, or being rude, or being intentionally cruel to him. It’s about giving both of you some much needed space to get perspective on the relationship and really identify the issues that drove you two apart.

Remember, the no contact rule isn’t about him, it’s about you. You’re not cutting off contact to try to spite him, you’re giving yourself time and space to heal from the breakup – just like you’re giving him time and space to start missing you again.

Finally, here’s the biggest reason for the no contact rule:

It stops you from making the fatal breakup mistakes that will truly drive him away for good – that we’re going to talk about in the next section.

Watch the video: How To Easily Get Your Ex Back

Step 2: The Fatal Mistakes (And Ignoring Your Instincts)

This section will cover all the fatal mistakes that women make after breakups. These mistakes will drive your ex away from you and all but ruin your chances of ever getting back together with an ex.

The worst part about these mistakes is that they’re so natural. These mistakes happen when you follow your instincts after a breakup.

These mistakes happen when you follow your instincts after a breakup.

At first glance, that doesn’t seem fair… and it’s not. It’s not fair that your instincts will urge you to do things that will ruin your chances of getting back together with your ex.

That’s why the no contact rule is so important – to take away the chances of you making any of these fatal mistakes.

Mistake #1: Letting Him Do Whatever He Wants And Just Taking It

After a breakup, the temptation is to just give your ex whatever he wants in the hopes that it will bring him back to you.

This is one of the worst things you can do – because all that does is signal to him that he’s in control and that you’re not going anywhere – which means there’s no reason for him to get back together with you.

If he’s getting everything he wants from you without doing any work or having to get back together with you, what incentive does he have to rekindle the relationship?

None.

In addition, giving in to him and giving him everything he wants shows him desperation. It makes your vibe desperate, which turns him off consciously and unconsciously and ruins your chances with him.

In fact, a lot of relationships end with this fatal mistake. Here’s how it normally happens:

The beginning, or “honeymoon phase” of a relationship is an exciting, magical time. You two were doing fun things together. Enjoy getting to know each other and exploring with each other. You were equal with each other.

Then, as the relationship goes on, something shifts…

Instead of feeling equal, it feels like you’re losing him. Like you have to chase after him to get his attention.

Like you have to bother him to get affection from him.

It feels like slowly but surely, you’re losing him… and you don’t know how to stop it.

You start to get worried that he’s pulling away or withdrawing, and so you put up with his bad behavior in an attempt to make him want to stay.

Unfortunately, all that does is make him lose respect for you and see you as desperate, which undermines the relationship even more and pushes him away even further.

MORE: These Signs Mean You Can Get Your Ex Back

It inevitably becomes a downward spiral that continues until the relationship falls apart.

The only way to have a good relationship is if you demand a good relationship from him. If you don’t, and give him everything he wants to make him want to stay with you, you’re sabotaging the relationship and destroying your chances with him.

Mistake #2: Giving Him Tons Of Affection

This ties back into the first mistake – except instead of convincing him to get back together with you by putting up with his bad behavior, you’re trying to convince him to get back together by showering him with affection.

The key mistake here is trying to convince him to get back together with you. That makes you look needy and desperate – which will turn him off completely.

When you shower him with attention and affection, it shows him that you’re desperate. He knows you love him – he just broke up with you. When you remind him how much you love him, what actually happens is that he thinks you’re trying to manipulate him into getting back together with him, and it turns him off.

Remember, a conclusion he comes to on his own is always going to be way more powerful than a conclusion you manipulate him into making.

Mistake #3: Trying To Use Pity To Get Him Back

Pity isn’t attractive. Neither is begging.

When you first got together with him, you didn’t beg him to be with you. You didn’t rely on his pity for him to go on a date with you. Those things won’t help you now.

All begging or using pity does is convince him that he made the right move. It sabotages your vibe and makes you seem needy and desperate, which forces him to recoil from you and push you away from his life.

Mistake #4: Getting Super Jealous If He Starts Dating Someone New

Obviously, this can feel like a super upsetting thing. After all, he’s dating someone new, that means your chances are ruined, right?

Actually, not nearly as much as you’d think. Like we talked about before, when a guy starts dating after a serious relationship, it’s almost always a rebound relationship – not a real one.

And rebound relationships are totally ineffective ways of moving on. All it will do is remind him that he cares about you more, and that he wants you back in his life.

Acting jealous won’t make him want to come back to you – it will do the opposite. It will push him even further towards the other girl, and once again make you come off as needy and desperate.

Mistake #5: Calling And Texting Him All The Time

This is covered by the no contact rule, and it’s one of the biggest reasons the no contact rule exists.

Your instincts are going to be screaming at you to call him and text him all the time. You miss him, you want to talk to him, you want him to acknowledge you, you want contact with him!

Unfortunately, your instincts are working against you. Contact with him will only push him further away and tell him he was right to break up with you.

So as hard as it is, it’s best to follow the no contact rule. Without it, it’s much more likely that you make this fatal mistake.

Mistake #6: Acting Cold, Aloof, Nasty, Or Desperate Towards Him

Just like your instincts are telling you to call and text him, they’ll also be telling you to be nasty to him. After all, he broke your heart! It’s only natural that you’ll want to hurt him back.

This will obviously work against you – by driving him further away and reinforcing in his mind that he doesn’t want you in his life. Even if it feels good in the short run as a cathartic release of pain and frustration, in the long run it will surely drive him away from you forever.

Remember – causing him pain won’t make him want to get back together with you. It will just mess you up and push him away.

Mistake #7: Trying To Make Him Jealous By Talking About Other Guys

This is another reason for the no contact rule – to prevent you from making this fatal mistake.

MORE: Does Your Ex Want You Back? These Key Signs Mean That He Does…

If you’re trying to make him jealous by flaunting the fact that you’re seeing other guys in his face, all it will do is make you look desperate.

He’ll be able to see right through it (after all, you’re seeing other guys to make him jealous, so he’s still in control), and it will feel like you’re trying to manipulate him. That will turn him off and drive him away from you faster than anything else – so definitely avoid this mistake.

Mistake #8: Talking To Him About The Relationship And Asking Him About His Love Life

Like we talked about before, letting him come to his own conclusions is much stronger and more powerful than trying to lead him there yourself.

This should be so much stronger when we figure out something on our own than when someone else tells us.

It is like when you realize something on your own vs when a friend tells you something. That is more powerful when it’s self generated.

It will be more powerful when you realize something on your own.

So let him come to his own conclusions about the relationship. Don’t ask him how his love life is going now, let him realize that it’s not as good as when you were dating.

Those are the top fatal mistakes that will destroy your chances at getting him back.

Now it’s time to move on to step 3 – what you should be doing during the no contact period.

Step 3: Get Stronger While He Gets Weaker

So you might be wondering: what am I supposed to be doing during the no contact period?

There’s a very simple answer to that: you’re going to be getting stronger while he gets weaker.

While he notices your absence from his life more and more, you’re going to be improving yourself, feeling better, stronger, and more independent, and becoming physically and emotionally healthier.

That means that as you grow as a person, become more comfortable, confident, and happy, and gain perspective on the relationship, he’ll be sliding backwards into thinking about you, missing you, and ultimately wanting you back.

Think about it this way: these 4 weeks of no contact are your detox period. You’re detoxing yourself from the relationship, and getting past all the pain and heartbreak of the breakup.

If you never detox from the relationship, then that same negativity, desperation, and pain will prevent you from ever getting him back. After all, you can’t get your ex boyfriend back if your mind is working against you.

What does it mean for your mind to be working against you?

It means that your negative emotions are in control of you. The pain of heartbreak is in control of your mind (and driving you towards all sorts of bad instincts, described in Step 2), and if you don’t detox and get rid of that pain it will push him away from you for good.

These 4 weeks of no contact are your detox period.

Think about it this way: negative emotions and feelings are working against you, and will wind up pushing him away, while positive emotions and feelings will work for you, and magnetically draw him back to you.

You need a foundation of positive emotions in order to get him back – and to do that you have to let go of your negative emotions.

The best, most effective way to let go of negative emotions is to point blank accept the fact that the relationship is over. It’s not something to pine over, something to hope for, something to obsess over – it’s gone.

When you can let go of your relationship and accept the fact that at the moment you’re completely single, it will get rid of the root of any insecurity and empower you to bring positivity back into your life.

The best first step to take towards detox is this: get rid of all reminders of your relationship and your ex boyfriend.

You don’t have to throw them away – but definitely put them away in a place you don’t have easy access to, and whatever you do don’t revisit them.

So write down his phone number and address on a piece of paper and keep it somewhere out of the way, then delete them out of your phone. Get rid of all the pictures on your computer and your phone that remind you of him. Delete his screen names from your lists and get rid of his emails and texts.

Don’t delete him off Facebook – just ‘unfollow’ him so it doesn’t look like you unfriended him.

Take any gifts and physical reminders that you have of him and put them away and out of sight. Remember, your goal is to have nothing that reminds you of him in your day to day life.

The second step towards detox is to erase his power over you.

The more you think about him, the more you’re going to miss him.

That’s why actively fighting your urge to obsess over him is going to serve you so well in the long run – because the more you obsess over him, the more power he has over you, and the less that you’re able to get over him.

Instead of thinking about him, there are a number of things you can do to trick your mind into forgetting about him for a while, so that you can relax and stop obsessing.

There are a few great ways to do that. The most effective one is also the simplest – set your mind on someone else.

The more you think about him, the more you’re going to miss him.

It’s easier said than done, but by far the easiest way to get over an ex is to start thinking about someone else that’s new in your life. Think about other men and set your desire on them, and you’ll be shocked at how quickly your mind turns to the new guy (and not obsessing about your ex).

A great exercise is to try fantasizing about other men. Try to do it at least once per day. Even if it feels silly, pick the guy you’re most attracted to and go for it.

MORE: Complete Guide To Getting Your Ex To Miss You After A Breakup

It works better with guys you know in real life, but if you’re having trouble getting started then pick your favorite actor. The important part is that you do this once per day, and that you really stick with it. It might not seem like it’s doing much at first, but in reality it’s detoxing your mind consciously and unconsciously from your ex, and putting you in a much better mental state.

The third thing to do to erase his power over you is simple. Take out a pen and paper and write down all the things you didn’t like about your relationship with your ex. Everything he did that annoyed you, all the things you didn’t like about the relationship, and even all the things you didn’t like about BEING in a relationship.

Write all those things down and focus on them. That will help force your brain to realize that your relationship with him wasn’t all sunshine and happiness, and in fact there were a lot of reasons that you might not have been happy. Do that – and you’ll make huge strides in erasing his power over you.

So Other Than That, What Should You Be Doing During No Contact?

The best thing to do for yourself is to focus on yourself – and focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be.

One of the best possible things to do during no contact is start exercising (or to throw yourself into exercising if you already have a program).

Not only does it help you look your best, it gives you a place where you can stop thinking about your ex and just put all your focus and energy into your workout.

Plus, working out improves your mental state and makes you feel better about yourself. The endorphins flooding your brain help you detox from the relationship and move on even faster.

Getting compliments from other guys definitely helps you move on too. One of the best ways to move on is to have a bunch of guys in your life who are fighting for your favor.

When you’re friends with other guys, then your ex has to wonder if one of them is dating you. You don’t have to date any of them, but just being friends with them and having them around is enough to give you a confidence boost and help you get over your ex.

MORE: How Guys Really Deal With Breakups

Plus, you can use those guys as emotional support too, instead of feeling the instinct to lean on your ex.

Finally, the most important thing to focus on during the no contact period is your vibe.

What’s Your Vibe?

Your vibe is your most attractive asset. It can work for you or against you, and when it’s working for you it’s magnetically attractive to any guy. But a good vibe is one of the strongest tools in learning how to get back together with an ex.

Let’s be clear. Your vibe is essentially your mood. It’s how you’re genuinely feeling at the moment (not how you’re pretending to be, but what you’re genuinely and truly feeling deep down).

So when your mood is genuinely good, relaxed, and happy, your vibe reflects that. When you’re feeling anxious, worried, desperate, or upset, your vibe reflects that too.

There is nothing more attractive to a guy than a woman who has a good vibe. Women who have a genuinely good vibe are more attractive to guys than any woman with a bad vibe, even if she’s got supermodel looks.

The best way to understand what your vibe is and what it does for you is to use an example from your own life. Think about a friend you’ve known, either now or in the past, who just can’t help being negative.

There is nothing more attractive to a guy than a woman who has a good vibe.

It seems like every time you talk to this friend, they’re complaining about something that’s gone wrong in their life, or telling you about a problem that’s not their fault, or unburdening their unhappiness onto you.

It doesn’t feel good to talk to that friend, does it? When you see their name pop up on their phone, do you get this electrifying excitement?

No! You wind up with a sinking feeling in your gut! You’re not excited to talk to them, you’re dreading it.

That’s all because of their vibe. Because of their negativity, their vibe suffers, and it doesn’t feel good to be around them. If their vibe was good (because they worked on being in a good mood more), then you would feel happy and excited to talk to them.

That’s what you’re aiming for in your own life. When your vibe is fun, happy, and positive, people will be excited and happy to get closer with you.

MORE: How To Not Seem Desperate And Get Him Back

The best way to make sure your vibe is as positive as possible is to focus on making sure you’re in the best mood possible, and the best way to do that is to do the things that make you feel good.

During the no contact period, fill your life with things you love to do. Things that make you feel whole and that are massively fun to you.

When you focus on the things you really enjoy doing, it automatically improves your mood and revitalizes your vibe. One great thing to do is to put pictures of yourself doing all the things you love to do up on Facebook – because it’s super attractive to guys to see that you’re having fun and enjoying yourself.

Guys are attracted to a woman who has her own life, her own happiness, and feels whole outside of a relationship. In an ideal world, your relationship is just the icing on the cake – it’s not what makes your life good, but having it in your life makes your life better.

So focus on your vibe by doing the things that make you feel good and make you feel whole. When you do that, you naturally help yourself move on from the relationship (and become massively more attractive to your ex in the process.

If you’ve followed all these directions, eventually you’ll come to the end of the no contact period – and you’ll move on to Step 4.

Step 4: What To Do When He Reaches Out (Or How To Reach Out To Him)

At this point, take a second to pat yourself on the back. You made it to step 4 – and that’s worthy of congratulations.

At this point, the image of you as someone desperate, needy, and clingy in the mind of your ex has faded, and he’s almost certainly wondering what you’re up to.

He’s also thinking about the good times you two had together, now that the fresh memories of the painful breakup has faded.

And therefore, now is the perfect time to strike.

Here are the conditions you should have met by now, in order to maximize your chances of getting him back:

  • You haven’t contacted him in a full 4 weeks and followed the no contact rule.
  • Go out with another guy at least one time during no contact (this is maybe the best way to eliminate needy and desperate behavior and give you the best chance of getting your ex back)
  • Put time and effort into making your life better and making positive changes.
  • You’ve fully accepted the fact that you and your ex have broken up, and you believe that you’ll be ok no matter whether you get back together with him or not.
  • You know deep in your heart that even if things don’t work out with your ex, there are millions of other guys out there that can’t wait to give you the love and happiness you’re looking for.
  • You’ve recovered mentally from the breakup and are in a much better mental state.
  • You’re confident and convinced that getting back together with your ex is the right decision.

If you can check off every item on this list, then you’re ready to get in contact with your ex.

If he hasn’t contacted you by the end of your 4th week of no contact, it’s time to reach out and get in touch, then meet up, and then…

He won’t be able to help himself.

While he’s been missing you and remembering the good times, you’ve been improving your mind, body, and self-image, and the full package will be irresistible.

So if you’ve successfully gone at least 4 weeks without contacting him, and you’ve made serious improvements in your life (by following the advice in Step 3), then you’re ready to reach out to him.

Common Questions and Answers

How to get your ex boyfriend back?

Make sure to abide by the ever-important No Contact Rule. In this case, ignore your instincts (because they usually act like impulses and read as impulsive behavior). Make sure you take time needed for yourself to feel strong and confident on your own while you give him space. Make sure you do not, I repeat do not show any signs of codependency or clinginess when he does reach back out to you.

 

How to get your ex back fast by text message?

If you are looking for a quick fix or some quick ideas for initiating contact via text, be sure to keep the language casual. Treat him like a friend that you just want to grab a quick bite or coffee with. Would you put so much pressure on wording a text to hang out? Give him the same lack of attention to detail. Keep it casual, cool. Maintain a good vibe and exude confidence in your indifference.

How to get your ex back after a year?

The longer the time has been between the breakup and point of contact, the more of a conversation you might owe him. Reach out to him to meet up to talk, and be explicit in that you want to talk to him. Show him how you’ve changed over the last year and how you have become a less reliant woman. Remind him of the stunning and self-assured you that he fell in love with in the first place.

How to get your ex back when he has moved on?

Sometimes, no matter what you do, he might have just moved on. Which is okay. Be prepared to face this reality. We can’t control the hearts of others, but you should feel proud knowing that you put yours on the line and took a leap of faith. If he has moved on, respect his space. As long as you respect his space, you never know what the future will hold.

 

The Psychology Of How To Get Your Ex Back: What’s Actually Happening And Why This All Works

When you haven’t been in contact with an ex, sooner or later something will come up that reminds you of the relationship. And since you won’t be there anymore, they’ll start to miss you in those moments.

As time passes, that feeling of missing you starts to grow. And as even more time passes, they’ll start to worry and wonder if maybe they really have lost you forever.

This is the most critical moment that will determine whether you win your ex back, or let the relationship fizzle out into nothing, so pay very close attention here.

At that point, he will start wanting to get reassurance that he hasn’t lost you, or that he made the right decision.

He might start doing things (directly or indirectly) to check in on you and see if you’ve moved on.

This could include watching your Instagram stories or randomly liking a post of yours on social media. He might also start showing up to places where he knows he’ll run into you.

Or he might be more direct and simply reach out to you via text or phone call.

If and when he contacts you, be very careful about how you respond. One of the things he will be trying to figure out is whether or not you are willing to wait for him to come around, or if he actually could lose you if he doesn’t make a move to win you back.

The way to handle this requires a very specific, counter-intuitive approach.

Our instinct would typically be to agree to whatever they propose if we think it gives us the slightest chance of reconnecting. But that willingness and immediate availability is actually where the biggest traps can happen.

Here’s the issue: if your relationship was wishy-washy and uncommitted before the breakup, he’ll have the feeling that even though you’re currently broken up, you’re willing to continue being an option. You run the risk of becoming that person he can fall back on if things don’t work out with someone new.

You do NOT want to open the possibility of you filling a “placeholder” role, one where you’re not officially together, but still seeing each other romantically (despite there being no clear arrangement).

How To Handle If Your Ex Contacts You

The best thing you can do is listen to what he has to say. You can be civil and polite.

However, if the conversation moves to a place where he is testing to see if you want him back, do NOT give him reassurance that you’ll wait around for him to come back at some vague and indefinite point in the future.

It’s best not to talk about whether or not you’ve moved on at all, even if it’s true. If he asks you directly, you can say, “I’m not happy about the breakup, but I understand that it happened and that I’m 100% single now.” If he presses for more details, you can just say that you don’t want to talk about it.

If he really presses, you can ask him to clarify whether or not he wants to have a talk to get back into a relationship with you again. That way, the conversation avoids setting the expectation that you’ll wait around for him forever and you’re discovering what he’s thinking.

Ideally, that’s how you want this conversation to go: one where he reveals his thoughts and feelings to you without revealing the status of whether or not you’ve moved on.

If you’re directly asked whether you want to get together, you can say, “If you want to get back together in a clear, committed relationship, let me know if that’s what you want.” And if he says anything other than, “Yes, I want that” tell him that you understand and are open to the future: “If you decide that that’s what you want, let me know down the road.”

What’s most important here is that you don’t enter into a wishy-washy dynamic when he does start reaching out to you, or you risk getting into a dynamic where you are not in a clearly defined relationship, but are rather just a placeholder until he finds someone else.

The only way to really get back together is when both of you want a clearly defined, committed relationship.

If he’s not sure he wants that yet, then give him the space to decide if he does.

Either he will and you’ll get back into a relationship with a strong, clear foundation. Or you’ll discover that he is completely unwilling to get back into a relationship with you to a point where he’s willing to lose you.

I know the latter might sound disappointing, but it’s actually a very good thing to clarify as soon as possible. It’ll help knowing once-and-for-all that you did everything you could in your power to move on.

In this case, there’s no “I want to get back with my ex how-to” tip to use. Wouldn’t you want to know if the efforts you put in will be worth your while?

You get to have clarity, so you can move on knowing that it wasn’t going to happen and you can confidently open the door for someone new without worrying you’re making a mistake or gave up on something that could have worked out.

You get to finally see the truth of if he really was willing to ever commit to you in the way you really want.

It’s only when you are willing to walk away and he believes he’s truly lost you that he’ll do everything in his power to win you back and give you the relationship you want.

The good news here is that there are so many times, even in the most complicated and difficult scenarios, where the guy does come back and fights to win you back and you’re shocked that this guide worked so well.

This happens so often that I can confidently say with certainty that this guide isn’t just A way to get your ex to come back… it’s the ONLY way worth doing. Just make sure you remember that it’s for YOU too because that’s so so important!

How Should You Reach Out To Him?

When it comes to reaching out to your ex, the best way to do it is through text messages. You don’t want to call him right away – better to let him build attraction in his mind before you two talk on the phone.

So that begs the question – what kind of text should you send him?

When you’re breaking the ice and contacting him again, the best kind of text is one that gives him a reason why you’re texting him, and also gets him thinking about you again.

One of the best ways to do that is to tell him about something positive that happened in your life that reminded you of him.

The best kind of text gets him thinking about you again.

Maybe a tv show or movie you saw recently made you think of him. Maybe you saw a commercial for a vacation and it reminded you of a trip you took with him.

MORE: More Ways To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back For Good

Whatever it is – it’s an opportunity to text him, “Hey, I saw a commercial for a cruise the other day and it reminded me when we went to the beach for a week together. That was so much fun, I’m really glad we did that together.”

The most important thing to remember is that you want to be subtle and positive. You’re not texting him to try to get him back, you’re not texting him to remind him of the relationship, you’re not even texting him to get him to like you again.

The reason you’re texting him is because it would be fun and feel good to talk to him again – and nothing more. No hidden motivation (like trying to get him back), no manipulation, and no agendas.

Now, a lot of the time, your ex will actually text you first. And when that happens, you’re going to want to have the perfect response already lined up.

That’s why I wrote this article about how to respond to your ex’s text messages.

Whatever message you want to send to him (whether it’s “I miss you and would love to get back together” or “stop texting me freak I want nothing to do with you”), you’ll find out the best way to say it in that article.

Now let’s get back to getting in touch with him after the no contact period is over.

Whatever you do, when you first text him, don’t bring up the relationship or the breakup. Don’t talk about how much you miss him, or that you want to get back together, or that you’re miserable that he’s not in your life.

Along the same vein, never text him with negativity. Don’t send him bitter or angry messages that will 100% make him ignore your texts and undo all your hard work in the no contact period.

At the same time, your text can’t just be ‘nothing’ either. Sending him a text that says nothing, like ‘heyyy’, or just a smiley emoji is going to turn him off.

One more thing to remember: don’t text him over and over again. Give him time and space to respond to your text, and never send him more than one text message in a row without him texting you back.

MORE: Advice On Getting Your Ex Back

Here’s your mindset when you reach out to him: you’re happy, strong, content with your life, and fulfilled. You know you’re attractive, and you have full choice in your love life.

You’re not trying to get him back, you just think that it would be a shame to throw away such a good friendship that you two had.

The way to frame the conversation is just like this: you’ve reflected on the breakup, and you fully believe that breaking up was the right thing to do – and that it was for the best for both of you. Still, it would be stupid to throw away such a great friendship.

How To Meet Up With Him

The best way to ask your ex out again is not to call it a date. Remember – you want to be friends with him and keep your friendship going – and calling it a date is going to send him running (because it reveals that you have an agenda of getting back together with him, which will turn him off more than anything).

MORE: Tactics That Bring Your Ex Back To You

As long as you’ve completed the items on the list above and really put in the work, you’re going to feel and look great when you see him.

You’ll be super attractive, super confident, and super laid back – ready to just have a good time with him and enjoy yourselves together.

The best way to ask your ex out again is not to call it a date.

The most effective way to get him to come out and see you is by calling him. You can suggest meeting up for coffee or a drink, with the mindset that he’s just a friend you want to meet up with — not an ex-boyfriend you want to get back.

As long as you focus all your energy and attention on having a good time in the moment with him, and making sure that your mood is good (which contributes to an overall good vibe, which is the most attractive thing you can do), then the work you put in during the no contact period will do the rest.

Remember — the thing he’ll remember most about seeing you again (more than what you said, or what you did together, or who paid, or what you were wearing, or anything else), is your vibe.

If you’re wearing your cutest outfit and you’ve been working out and you look amazing and you have an awesome tan and you’re having a perfect hair day and you’re in a bad mood and have a bad vibe… that’s the only thing he’s going to remember.

(Sure, he might think “she looked good…”, but he’ll also be thinking “spending time with her felt really bad, I remember why we broke up.”)

It’s important for him to feel really good about spending time with you again… especially if things ended badly between you. The contrast between how things felt at the end of your relationship and how things feel now is key in getting back together with him.

If things felt awful, strained, and tense at the end of your relationship (which is very normal), then making sure your vibe is good is the best thing you can do. That way, he’ll be shocked at the difference in how it feels to be around you.

He’ll feel amazed at how good it feels to be with you if your vibe is good, which will remind him instantly of why you dated in the first place (and get the gears spinning in his head that you should maybe start dating again.)

If you’re in a bad mood and have a bad vibe… that’s all he’s going to remember.

All a bad vibe will do is remind him of when you two broke up and reinforce in his mind that you’re better off apart.

So remember: when you meet up with him again after your breakup, and after the no contact rule, your vibe is crucial!

I hope this helped you understand exactly how to get back with your ex and the exact steps you have to take. Even then, there’s one more thing to remember – even for the women who have had success getting back with ex boyfriends, it can still be very difficult to keep your man… unless you know how to make him want to be with you and only you forever. You need this secret formula to get your ex back in your arms for good. It will reveal how to get him to see you as “the one” and desperately crave you by his side forever. If you don’t read this now you might miss your chance to get him back forever so don’t wait: Do You Want Your Ex Back? Use This To Get Them Back…

Now, if you want to know what you should do from that point forward, you need more personalized advice. On to step 5…

Step 5: Take The ‘Can I Get My Ex Back’ Quiz

Take this quiz right now to get personalized advice based on you and your specific situation. This quiz will gather all the information necessary to knowing exactly where you and your ex stand, and what the most effective way to get him back is.

Take the quiz right now and find out for sure whether you can get your ex back, or whether you should move on instead.

In summary…

Exactly How To Get Your Ex Back

  1. Cut off contact with him
  2. Avoid the fatal mistakes by ignoring your instincts
  3. Get stronger while he gets weaker by working on yourself
  4. Do the right thing when he reaches out to you (see above)
  5. Take the quiz and find out exactly what to do next

how to get your ex back

A complete guide on how to win your ex back

Meet a Joker

No one prepared you for this day. You are hurt, confused and emotionally drained. You did not see the relationship issues and this unhealthy relationship.

Your heart feels like it’s going to break. You want your ex back. And you can’t see how you’re going to go on without the love of your life. Sometimes you think to yourself, This heartbreak will be the death of me! No, it won’t. Is your relationship issues about a long distance relationship? A distance relationship don`t have to be an unhealthy relationship.

You need to break, you have to think about your relationship dynamics and rebound relationship to win your ex back. It may feel like it’s the end of the world, but guess what, it’s not. This article will help you turn the whole situation around and help you get your ex back. 

See how quickly this made you glow? It seems that all you are thinking about is how to get my ex back. But before you read about the best way to get your ex back fast, you need to answer one question.

Do they still care?
This article will give you step by step tips on how to win your ex back. But if your ex doesn’t want you back in the end, then it’s nothing but a waste of your time. So before you go into it any further, you need to ask yourself:

Does he/she still care about me?
What were the reasons for the breakup?
Can you both perhaps address those reasons?
Is there any way he/she could take me back.
Think about it. Think about how the breakup happened. Put your emotions aside and think critically. If the answers to these questions are negative, then maybe you should read up on how to get over a breakup or how to get over someone.

Yes, it sucks, and yes, all you can think about is how to get back together with the ex. But if that’s an impossible mission, don’t waste your effort trying to figure out the best way to get your ex back. Remember that you are your top priority. You need to do what is best for you. And if there is absolutely no second chance with your ex, the best thing for you is to learn how to get over someone like her.

But if you’re sure he/she still cares about you, here’s how to get your ex back fast:

Make your Ex regret The Breakup

Give them the breakup they wanted.

No, this is not a trick. This is a real solution. To get your ex back fast, give them the breakup they wanted. Here’s why:

Right now, your brain and heart may be forcing you to prove to your ex that you still love them. You want to call her a million times and flood her phone with text messages about how much you miss her. Your instincts tell you to send them bouquets of flowers and gifts, with an apology. You probably think it’s a good idea to get drunk and show up at your ex’s door at 2 a.m. singing their favorite song. Does this sound like you? This is your broken heart talking, and the results of the above actions will not be in your favor.

All the whining and begging will anger your ex, make him want to get away from you even more, and solidify that a breakup was the best thing that could have happened to him. All the calls and texts will show your ex how desperate you are to get back together.

And that will give your ex the power to manipulate you and walk all over you when the two of you get back together. Yes, you want love again, but it’s not worth it if it’s the manipulative kind of love that one person has power over.

It’s certainly a lot to ask to give your ex the breakup she wanted. But it’s the best way to get her back. You have to trust the process and know that it will pay off in the long run. But what do we really mean when we say break up?

A breakup means: space
Give your ex the time and space they’ve asked for. Remember their favorite coffee shop? Stop going there in hopes of running into her. Find a new favorite restaurant. You don’t have to go to his friend’s party, even if you have an invitation. Even if you work in the same building, you shouldn’t mind your ex.

Giving your ex space can be very challenging! So to help you out, make a list of things you’ve always wanted to do. Those dance classes you’ve been putting off, sign up for them. All those new dishes you never had time to explore, now is the perfect time to enjoy them. In short, use this time to focus on yourself, improve and fall in love with yourself. This is also an excellent time to catch up with family members or an old friend, or with your regular pals. Anything to get your mind out of the “I want my ex back” zone.

A breakup means no contact
The “no contact” rule when trying to get back together with your ex says to cut off all communication with your ex for at least 4 weeks. And by cutting off all correspondence, we mean just that! No communication at all. Don’t even think about stalking them on social media, as this will only exacerbate your pain and anger. No calls, no texts, no comments on their photos, just radio silence.

This is probably the hardest thing you will have to do. But every time you are tempted to slip up and break the no contact rule, remember that you have to be pricked by thorns to pick a rose. Remember that the rainbow comes after a storm. Put on a mantra that reminds you that the struggle to not contact your ex will eventually pay off.

And if you do your best to not connect with your ex, you’ll find yourself thinking about him – or a lot. It’s pretty okay. But instead of thinking only about the good times, think about the bad times, too. Think about the situations that put a strain on your relationship.

Evaluate your performance in the relationship that was. What could you have done better? And in what areas would you like your partner to do better? As you focus on how to get your ex back, prepare yourself for a new healthy relationship with him or her by learning from your shortcomings.

A breakup doesn’t mean you’re going into a new relationship….
When you’re dealing with a breakup, it’s easy to hang out with someone else and show your ex that he/she was lucky when they broke up. Maybe that will bring him/her back. Because jealousy is one of the ways to get your ex back, right? Wrong.

This is a recipe for a rebound that will be a disaster and will not bring your ex back.

Yes, it’s very healthy to go out and meet new people when you’re going through a breakup. But keep these new relationships in the friend zone. Keep it casual and be honest that you’re not looking for a relationship, just a good time, especially if you still have strong feelings for your ex. Don’t add another heartache to your already aching heart.

A breakup doesn’t mean: posting your pain on social media.
It may sound petty, but that’s what most heartbroken people do. You go on social media and tell the whole world how much you’re hurting. Every day you post about how miserable you are. And when those posts don’t give your ex the attention she wants, it escalates into insults towards her. Remember we talked about not being desperate. Well, when you jump on that news bandwagon, all it says is despair.

Take a break from social media if negativity and pain are all you want to post there. And when you get to the point where you’re spending time with friends, living your best life, loving yourself and meeting new people, document it and post it. Focus on the last positive memories and milestones you achieve.

And that’s it. That’s how you get your ex back, by focusing on yourself. In case you haven’t seen the piece yet, here’s the breakdown:

Your ex wanted to break up with you. Giving them the time and space they wanted shows that you love them enough to give them what they want, even if it hurts.
Cutting off communication with your ex allows you both to grieve and evaluate the relationship you had. And maybe, just maybe, your ex will start to wonder if breaking up was the answer.
As you make new friends, have the time of your lives, and document the moments on social media, the information about you will somehow come back to your ex. And when that happens, it’s up to them to decide whether or not to check in with you.
Chances are, your ex will contact you. Because as humans, we will always want what seems unattainable. This new, changed version of you will make your ex wonder if you are still the same person they once knew. Your lack of interest will further create this curiosity in them.

It all starts with a simple text message or phone call to check on you. But don’t let that stop you so easily. Don’t just walk back. Evaluate them. Ask if you want to get back together with them. Were they the love of your life? Was the breakup just a long-term problem between the two of you, or was it the end of what you both had.

If the breakup was just a problem, then you can slowly rebuild the relationship you had. And you can finally say that you know the answer to getting your ex back. If the breakup was the end, be happy for yourself. Be proud of the healing your broken heart has achieved so far. And find a new love when you are ready.

HOW TO GET ALL BACK WITH YOUR EX?

BeWithHer.com, Get your Ex back

I want to be with you again

The ultimate road map in 30 nuggets of wisdom
Helping people like us is our passion; we understand how important it is to get back with an ex for whom you still have strong feelings.

In fact, our mission is to share our philosophy and techniques with as many people as possible and to give individuals around the world the tools, guidance and confidence they need to get back with the person they love.

That’s why we are delighted to be able to unveil this resource to help you learn everything you need to know about the process of getting back with an ex. We understand what it’s like to feel in love and feel powerless; so we decided to provide you with – the ultimate guide on how to get back with your ex – completely free!

This is probably the most comprehensive free road map on how to get back with an ex available on the internet today. Our goal is to provide you with a free resource that lets you know exactly what you need to do, no matter what situation you encounter; to show your loved one that you are the one who can make them happy in the long run and to help them achieve their dreams!

Through 30 nuggets of wisdom in – this ultimate road map to getting back with an ex – you will find incredible insights into the following 10 areas:

How to get back with your ex when you don’t know where to start?
Why does getting back with an ex require courage and objectivity?
Understanding that getting back together will also require creativity
The “I want my ex back and I’m ready to do anything” attitude!
How to get your ex back by winning the power struggle
How to get someone back, no matter what happens after a break-up
Getting your ex back under special circumstances
How to get an ex back the second time around!
How to win someone back for good
Get back with your ex and be happy together
We want you to know that you are not alone and that we care about you and how you are feeling right now. Understand that your goal of getting back with your significant other is also our cause!

Enjoy this roadmap on us and good luck in your quest to get back with your loved one!

Kind regards,

Adrian and Alex

Your Relationship Experts from the Love Coach Team at WithMyExAgain.com

How to get back with your ex when you don’t know where to start?
If you’re no longer with the person you love but still have very strong feelings, it can be overwhelming at first when you’re trying to get over a breakup. You feel like a part of you is missing and that you will never be complete again until you get that special person back in your life. If you don’t know where to turn and are simply looking for help and support in figuring out how to get back with your ex, this is probably the best place to start!

  1. You must first understand the reasons behind the break-up
    If you don’t understand what went wrong and why your ex no longer felt compelled to be with you, it will be extremely difficult to make him want to get back together or to get your ex to trust your ability to make him happy in the long term.

The starting point for anyone wanting to get back with an ex should be trying to answer this simple question: where did things go wrong in our previous relationship and why?

You’ll need to dig a little deeper than the usual clichés to feel confident about getting back with your ex. Essentially, you’re setting the stage or foundation for the whole process; it’s crucial to make sure you’re able to convey to your ex that you now understand how they feel, and that you’re ready to evolve so you don’t make the same mistakes! This is the key to understanding the answer to the question you’ve been asking yourself: how to get my ex to want me back!

70 professional tips to get him back
The complete step-by-step guide to getting back together with an ex! After a break-up, you feel terrible and completely lost. However, now is the time to be strong, follow your dreams and listen to your heart.

READ

  1. Your ex simply feels that you can no longer make them happy
    A key realisation you need to come to terms with before aiming to convince your loved one to get back with you is this: your ex probably left you (if that’s who they broke up with) because they felt you could no longer make them happy.

Despite what they may have said or what you may think, it’s probably not an emotional issue; they didn’t suddenly lose their feelings for you overnight.

Your ex has simply lost faith in your ability to make them happy in the long term. This is the key to achieving your ultimate goal of getting back together. Prove that you can make them happy permanently and you’ll be able to get back with the person you love!

So now you know that figuring out how to get back with your ex most likely has nothing to do with love and everything to do with trust and happiness.

Getting back together with an ex requires courage and objectivity
The process of getting back with an ex is not always easy. If it were, you wouldn’t be researching on the internet and seeking the help of relationship experts. One of the most challenging aspects of this process is the need to be self-critical and constantly ask yourself the right questions to make sure you are doing the right thing and not falling into any of the pitfalls along the way.

  1. 3. Introspection – Ask yourself the right questions
    It is absolutely essential for you to maintain some perspective throughout your journey back with an ex. As well as trying to work out what you did wrong and preparing properly every step of the way, you will also need to get inside your ex’s head to understand what he or she might be thinking at any given moment.

This applies to your past relationship during any arguments or conflicts you may have had, the actual break up, but also moving forward as you try to win back their heart. To truly understand what your ex felt or experienced and to find the right approach to connect and touch their heart you will need to consider the 360 degree approach

It will allow you to understand why you both felt a certain way about specific issues that caused conflict in your relationship.

By taking into consideration each other’s romantic past, childhood, upbringing, fears, insecurities, dreams and aspirations; you will put yourself in the best possible position to understand what went wrong and what your ex’s real and hidden expectations are; even when they can’t express it themselves!

  1. Be self-critical
    DepressedIt can be difficult to acknowledge that we made a mistake or that we could have done something better. Your ego takes a hit and you can make yourself feel worse before you feel better when you engage in such a process. But getting back with an ex will require you to put your pride aside and understand exactly where you went wrong and what made you act a certain way.

What can be scary is the realisation that you have deeper problems, which go beyond your previous relationship. Sometimes you don’t know where to start trying to solve these problems and you can quickly start to feel overwhelmed or even powerless. But don’t succumb to your fears and force yourself to face these problems head-on.

You will feel so empowered as soon as you begin this process and when you begin to identify exactly what has been holding you back.

There are many great resources out there; books, videos and experts like us who can help you overcome certain deep-seated problems. But you must have the willpower to face your shortcomings and engage in a process of change!

  1. Have you been too needy?
    As mentioned earlier, it is essential to understand where things went wrong when setting the goal of getting back with an ex! The most common mistake people make that ultimately leads to a break-up is being too needy.

You love the person you are with so much that you become unable to control your emotions and fall into a kind of emotional dependency on them. In other words, you need their attention and validation in order to be happy or satisfied on a day-to-day basis.

Have you completely cut off your social life? Do you no longer hang out with your friends? Have you found yourself constantly asking your ex for time to do certain activities together instead of doing them alone? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, chances are you were actually too needy.

Let our experts help you get back with the person you love
We have helped thousands of people achieve this goal. We are excited to help you too!

CHOOSE YOUR COACH
Instead of valuing your efforts to connect and the sacrifices you made, your ex began to feel like you had become a burden. Moreover, you were no longer a challenge to them; and unfortunately, you started to be unappreciated and even unavailable in their eyes.

  1. 6. Have you neglected your ex?
    Some people are at the opposite end of the spectrum. Their mistake has not been to be too needy, but on the contrary to completely neglect their ex and their relationship.

You may have put all your energy into your career or simply been overwhelmed by work; you may also have spent too much time with friends or focused most of your energy and time on a hobby or passion. Either way, it’s clear that you didn’t give your ex the attention and care they needed and deserved.

Once you’re able to identify the problem that caused your ex to lose faith in your ability to make him happy in the long run, you’ll be in a better position to figure out what you need to do to prove over time that you’ve changed.

Keep in mind that getting back together with an ex can take some time, depending on how bad things got between you and your ex, how the breakup happened, or if you made any major mistakes (like begging, crying, etc.) hoping to get back together quickly!

Getting back together will require creativity
To get back together with the person you love, you will need to think outside the box and seriously consider what you can do to show your ex that you have evolved. If you continue to do the same things you did during your relationship, and if you try to communicate with your ex in the same way, how can you reasonably expect a different result?

  1. 7. Finding potential solutions
    Now that you’ve taken the time to understand your mistakes and where things went wrong, you’ll need to use your brain to come up with potential solutions to show your ex that you’ve evolved and to ensure that you don’t make the same mistakes over and over again.

What is important is that in order to get back together, you will have to be responsible for the potential solutions you find after the brainstorming session. To maximise your chances of success, write down your goals on a piece of paper and try to make your resolutions as tangible as possible.

Incorporate a when and how to everything you set out to achieve; for example write down every Friday I will run 3 miles. This is a simple but perfectly formulated goal because you will know every Saturday morning if you are staying on course or slowing down!

  1. 8. Invent a game plan
    signs1To take it a step further, I want you to make a game plan to achieve your ultimate goal of getting back together. This was a trap and you probably fell into it!

By now you should know that your goal should be to prove to your ex that you can make them happy over time and that they can trust you! If you are able to put together a game plan to achieve this goal, you will in fact be able to get back with the person you love by association. Your ex will in fact be the one trying to get back with you!

So how can you put this game plan together and make sure it’s the right one for you? Well, you’ve already identified your mistakes and the potential actions you can take to change. Now you need to incorporate a communication strategy; how and when you intend to engage with your ex.

Then you need to establish checkpoints by adopting a goal-oriented approach in your daily life. Set goals on a daily, weekly and even monthly basis to get a bird’s eye view of where you are and where you need to go.

  1. 9. Stay active
    One of the keys to getting back together will be your ability to stay active and not let your sadness or depression lead to inaction. It is very common to want to stay on your couch, do nothing or have no desire to see someone after a break-up. The problem is that if you don’t make an effort to stay active and take certain actions, you will continue to dig yourself deeper and deeper.

The best way to overcome this downward spiral is to have plans, try new things or engage in sporting activities. Going for a run or to the gym will allow you to get rid of the negative energies by getting tired! So please make an effort to get out of your seat and do something productive during your free time!

The ‘I want my ex back and I’m ready to do anything’ mentality!
It won’t be enough to simply say “I want my ex back”, snap your fingers and get back together. You really have to have a strong desire to be with the person you love and be ready to put in the effort! But it’s not just about effort, it’s also about having the right mindset and regaining some self-esteem.

  1. Regaining self-esteem
    Happy young man having a coffee and thinking
    After a break-up I have seen very strong men and women lose all their self-esteem. Being able to deal with this feeling of rejection from the person you love and care about deeply is very challenging. In some cases, especially after years of marriage, your whole world can be chatty and you find yourself trying to pick up the pieces.

So when I hear someone tell me “I want my ex back because he is the most amazing person in the world and probably my soulmate”, I always remind those people that they are pretty amazing too! If your ex fell in love with you, if you were able to inspire and seduce him the first time around, it means you have tons of qualities to offer too.

Never forget that during your pursuit! You deserve to feel appreciated too and it’s essential to spend a lot of time with friends or family; people you love and trust and who love you back to find some comfort and security in the days or weeks following a breakup.

  1. You must believe you can win him back
    If you don’t believe in your chances of getting back together, how can you hope that your ex will believe in you? How can they reasonably expect you to be able to make them happy?

Self-confidence is an essential trait when it comes to getting back with an ex; you’ll need to trust yourself to survive the emotional rollercoaster of the process of getting back with an ex.

You can work on reprogramming your brain or changing certain beliefs. If you have a severe lack of confidence in yourself and in your ability to prove to your ex that you can make him or her happy; try doing one of my favourite self-help exercises; write down something in the present tense about a sticky yellow that you hope to achieve as if you have already achieved your goal.

So instead of writing I want my ex to come back and be happy, write that I’m back with my ex and that I’ve proven I can make him happy. Stick this note on your bathroom mirror and read it aloud 5 times in the morning and evening for a period of at least 21 days.

At the same time, start putting into motion other actions we have suggested in your daily life. Before you know it, you will start to experience this change and achieve the goal you have set for yourself. You can convince yourself that you will be able to get back with your ex and achieve this goal!

  1. Be ready to change
    You will not achieve your goal of being with the person you love if you are not ready to extend your comfort zone and evolve in a positive way.

It may seem like common sense, but you would be surprised to know that many people hope to get back with someone they care deeply about, but do nothing to change some of their negative habits or behaviours. Most of the time, there are no magic tricks or quick fixes that can bring your loved one back into your life if you haven’t resolved some of the negative behaviours from your previous relationship.

So when I hear someone tell me that I want my ex back, I always ask them if they are willing to change or evolve in a positive direction to make their ex want to be with them again. If you are ready to step out of your comfort zone and in some cases revisit some preconceptions or beliefs you may have about yourself and your ex, then anything is possible!

READ THIS
Radio silence: The new and improved no contact rule for getting back with an ex!
Get your ex back by winning the power struggle
Every relationship is a power struggle. It may not sound very nice to hear and you may not agree with it, but that’s how I see it. You can believe in the love, compassion and value of your partner and understand that at some point it becomes a power struggle between you and the person you love; to live out a type of relationship that reflects who you are and your values.

The key is not to be too overbearing and tilt it completely in your favour because your partner will not be happy and will even leave you.

What we advocate is a philosophy, one that pushes you to challenge your preconceived beliefs about your relationship and find the right balance for love to flourish; and sometimes requires shifting the balance of power in your favour to get your ex back!

  1. Don’t put your ex on a pedestal
    A common mistake people make during their relationship or immediately after a breakup is to put their ex on a pedestal. Either you let your emotions take over; love takes over and you try to profess your love to your ex by turning him into someone you can say no too!

Even worse, you start to lose your personality and what makes you attractive and unique to be something you think your ex wants you to be. But you’re wrong! Your ex doesn’t want you to be a person who says yes to everything he says and never stands up to them.

To get your ex back, you will have to regain a sense of independence and change this kind of behaviour. It is related to the idea of returning to the old you, the person who seduced and inspired your ex. Before you met your ex, you had a unique personality; you had beliefs, plans, dreams and aspirations.

Somewhere along the way you forgot all that you are and what you stand for; you changed for your ex and they left you because of it!

  1. The power struggle has defined
    What is a power struggle in a relationship and is it possible to be happy without committing to a relationship? Some people are able to find a rare form of balance and be happy for a while in their relationship without having to impose their will on their partner.

However, it is very rare for this to happen; these couples are either emotionally disconnected from each other or are on exactly the same wavelength in terms of their expectations of their relationship, work-life balance, expectations of how to raise children, etc.

For most of us this is simply impossible and so we try to impose our lifestyle, expectations and values on our partner when things don’t go as we would like. Life throws curve balls and you don’t always have the time, perspective, serenity and confidence to figure out what you need to do to stay in perfect harmony with your partner; and to maintain a healthy and balanced relationship.

Whether you are madly in love with each other or trying to win back your ex, it is very important that you are aware of the power struggle. You also need to continually adapt to the dynamics you are both in; sometimes letting go and other times taking a stand and being a little tougher on your loved one; out of love for them and to save your relationship from itself!

  1. Radio silence technique: Understand the need to take some distance after a break-up
    To get your ex back and to tip the balance of power in your favour sometimes the best thing to do is to take a step back and implement radio silence. A non-contact period of at least 3 weeks is the best way to shift the dynamic in your favour when your ex is stuck in his ways or when he wants absolutely nothing to do with you.

This is also an amazing technique to implement when you’ve made tons of mistakes or if you’ve put your ex on a pedestal and completely tilted the balance of power in their favour.

It can be really beneficial for you because it will give you the space you need to regain your composure, set a game plan in motion if you haven’t already and it will also prevent you from making any more mistakes.

Giving your ex space will also start to tilt the balance of power a little more in your favour because your ex will miss you and maybe even start to doubt his decision to leave. When you are all busy with their work, they can’t really deal with the backlash of their decision to leave you.

A radio silence can be that action which allows you to begin to regain control of the process of getting back together with your ex because it will be your decision not to join him.

Remember that in this case a non-action (not reaching out to them) is actually a very powerful action that will cause a reaction from your ex in one way or another; even if they don’t tell you how they feel when they don’t hear from you.

Radio silence will also be beneficial to your ex. If they have broken up with you, they need space; remember that a break-up means a need for space! By providing them with that space, they will be able to put things into perspective and realise certain things about you and your relationship.

At best, they will realise how much you mean to them and that they cannot live without you; that life is more difficult when you are not separated from it than the other way around.

At worst they will be surprised that you are able to control your emotions and that you cannot reach them; they will start to wonder what you have done too! In any case, the chances are that they will be much more receptive and perhaps even happy to hear from you after radio silence than they were before your period of no contact was implemented.

How to get someone back each time after a break-up?
There is no universal method for getting an ex back; there is no magic formula for how to get someone back, because every relationship is unique and every individual has their own personality, fears, desires, dreams and aspirations. Getting back with someone you love and have lost is an art; and we have mastered its different styles.

70 Professional Tips for Getting Back
The complete step-by-step guide to getting back together with an ex! After a break-up, you feel terrible and completely lost. However, now is the time to be strong, follow your dreams and listen to your heart.

READ
So we want to provide you with some principles to drastically increase your chances of getting back with the person you love this time.

  1. Through new-found credibility and re-establishing contact in the right way
    As we’ve discussed at length, your ex no longer trusts your ability to make them happy in the long run. Also, when you tell your ex that you have realised some of the mistakes you made and that you are a changed person, they probably won’t believe you.

Understand that your ex feels that you are incapable of changing in the way they would have wanted you to change; that’s why they left you (if they did!) or why they don’t want to get back together with you.

So you will need to be credible when approaching your ex next time. You have to show them with actions and not words that you are a new person. You have to show your change as you do certain things for yourself and not for them! Unfortunately, the best way to be credible is to actually change, not fake it.

So really, all you need to do to regain credibility and some interest from your ex is to go through the right process of personal development and keep yourself stable over time. Your ex will have no choice but to recognise your new perspective and at that point you will immediately regain credibility!

It is also important that you spend some time talking about how to establish contact with your ex in the right way. You cannot force the issue when contacting your ex; it must be natural for both of you to avoid any embarrassment. You can do this in person, on the phone, by text or via social media; but either way, it shouldn’t feel forced.

  1. The handwritten letter
    There is something magical about putting thoughts down on paper the old-fashioned way, with pen and paper. I often suggest to people I talk to in private consultations that they write a letter to their ex to communicate key messages in a different way, to demonstrate their change, to surprise their ex and to re-establish contact in an unorthodox way.

Close-up of a man signing divorce papers.
There are a few rules to follow in order to write an efficient letter and to ensure that the letter has the desired effect. You must make sure that you have clearly identified what the main purpose of the letter will be. You should communicate around no more than 3 key points or topics. Your letter cannot be too long, ideally around one page.

You cannot criticise your ex in the letter; you should remain positive and talk about the changes you have already started to make in your life after the break-up.

Depending on how things turned out and whether you are still in contact with your ex, you could try asking them if you can meet to discuss some of the things you have finally realised about yourself and the mistakes you made during your previous relationships.

Other times the purpose of your letter may simply be to say that I am sorry for what I did to you. Again, you might write a letter to let your ex know that you are now confident that you can make him or her happy; that you realise where things went wrong; or that you are ready to change in specific ways to make things right.

No matter what the case may be, remember that your letter will not be an end in itself.

It may shift the dynamic in your favour and you may touch your ex’s heart; but either way you will still need to demonstrate your change over time and live out the key messages you touched on in your letter.

Getting your ex back in special circumstances
Some break-ups are more difficult than others. We try to provide you with as much relevant and tailored information as possible to cover as many areas as possible; but some situations are so unique that we cannot touch on all possible scenarios.

Getting your ex back in special circumstances is something I really wanted to address for those of you whose ex left for someone else, or for those who broke up during or after a long-distance relationship.

  1. What if they left me for someone else?
    Even if your ex left you for someone else, you can still find a way to win them back! Getting your ex back in these circumstances is obviously more difficult, but not impossible.

One of the strengths will be your ability to manage your emotions. It will be even more of a rollercoaster than you expect, because the thought of knowing that your loved one is in someone else’s arms can drive you crazy.

I totally understand what you’re going through and can help you find a game plan to achieve your goals; even in these circumstances!

You’ll have to pretend that that other person doesn’t exist; when you’re talking to your ex, when you’re on social media (for your own good and mental health), and even when friends and family try to bring up the fact that your ex is with someone else. You won’t achieve anything positive by talking about their new boyfriend or girlfriend.

Instead, focus your energy on trying to re-establish communication with your ex in a casual way. This process may take a while before you can finally get back with someone you love, so you’ll need to be patient and resilient.

The trick will be to prove to your ex, over time, that you are better suited to making him happy than anyone else. You have to try to be positive when you’re around your ex and build on the fact that you have a shared history: humour, anecdotes of things that happened while you were together or even just small talk will help make your ex feel comfortable and want to spend time with you.

Time will actually work in your favour because the odds are that your ex’s new relationship is just a rebound; in time your ex will realise that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence and that you weren’t the cause of all their unhappiness!

  1. What about a long-distance relationship?
    Getting your ex back after a long-distance relationship can also be quite a challenge if you can’t keep in touch with them. You need to try to maintain some contact, even if it’s just an exchange of emails every month or so, otherwise it can become much more difficult in a short time.

The first piece of advice I have for you is not to let distance overwhelm you. Realise that there is probably nothing you can do to change this factor, otherwise you probably wouldn’t have been in a long-distance relationship to begin with.

Young businesswoman working on tablet computer while drinking coffee in the office
You will need to be super resilient and focus all your energy on your personal development and growth. Understand that despite the distance, your ex will still notice a change in your behaviour and outlook. You will have to evolve quickly and show that change through the communication platform you have maintained.

Don’t try to convince your ex to change their mind based on your emotions or the way you feel about them; you don’t have to beg or plead with them to take you back either!

Play the “let’s at least stay friends” card and wait for the opportunity to strike! It’s easy for your ex to feel a certain way when you’re miles away. But once your ex sees you again, no matter when it will be, if you’ve been able to work on your personal development, it can be quite easy for you to re-seduce him again.

It is likely that the attraction to each other is still there. You will have a lot to talk about and you should both be very happy to reconnect if you are in fact seeing each other organically; so don’t force a rendezvous!

Try to be patient and take a long-term approach to getting back together. If your ex is your soulmate or the person you know you want to be with, it should be worth the wait!

  1. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from experts in the field!
    If your ex left you for someone else, if you’ve been in a long-distance relationship, or if your ex wants nothing to do with you, I highly recommend seeking the help of industry experts to get the support you need to achieve your goals!

Let’s face it, there’s nothing wrong with needing support sometimes; people have trainers to get fit, go seek the help of nutritionists to stabilise their diet or go find a trainer to learn an instrument. Your love life is just as important as all these things, and you should also invest in your heart for your overall well-being!

Most of the time it is still possible to get your ex back if you have the right attitude and mindset; if you are willing to be patient and put in the work! Our experience in the field will allow us to advise you based on what you are going through.

We’ll provide you with a tailored game plan and concrete actions you can implement right away to start shifting the balance of power in your favour and to make your ex miss you!

Helping people find their loved one and achieve their goals is our passion. We understand that in order to do our job in the best way possible, we need to fully invest in people’s lives to understand the complexity of their relationship and what they are going through.

It becomes our process and not just yours. We are available every single day, 365 days a year, because we recognise that your love for your ex has no boundaries or days off! So, if you really want to do everything you can to get back with your ex, wait no longer and contact me or a relationship expert from the love coach team here at WithMyExAgain.com.

How to get an ex back the second time around!
If you’re still trying to figure out how to get an ex back, you’ll need to understand that it’s not about getting back together, but rather seducing the person you love again. When you talk about getting back together you run the risk of unconsciously trying to fall back into the same dynamics that led to the breakup of the first relationship.

I would like to take the time to emphasise the need to start afresh and free myself from your old relationship to create something truly new!

  1. The second first date
    When putting together a plan on how to get an ex back you need to think about your second first date; the second time you go out with your ex with the hope of reconnecting as lovers and not just friends!

Renewlovelationship1You need to prepare for this second first date so that you don’t let your emotions overwhelm you and also don’t let your ex dominate you. It’s so easy to fall into a dynamic where you either put your ex on a pedestal again or show them that you are still in love and trying to get back together.

The trick for you will be to play it cool and just focus on having fun. Remember that we are trying to show an ex that we can make them happy! This date should be about showing that you can both get along and not fight or argue even if you are no longer together. Under no circumstances should you bring up past issues.

READ THIS
How to get over a break-up or divorce and move on forever!
You shouldn’t even talk about your previous relationship all together, because we are trying to break away from the old to create something new.

Instead, be sure to highlight the new activities and projects you have undertaken since the break-up. Show your ex that you are active and in a positive dynamic, that you are doing interesting things and have tons of new endeavours. Speak with enthusiasm and smile to convey renewed positive energy.

Don’t force the issue and remember that it’s always better to go home a little earlier than to push the envelope and ruin a great evening right at the end of your date!

  1. Surprise your ex
    Your ability to surprise your ex can make or break your chances of getting back together. In fact, the element of surprise is so important in this process that when I’m asked how to get an ex back during a coaching session, I sometimes answer by simply surprising your ex! Of course, I explain at length later on why it is important to surprise an ex and how you should do it!

If you can surprise your ex in a positive way, it means that you have evolved in some way and that you are no longer what your ex thought you were! Once you are able to do something they don’t expect, you will plant a seed of doubt in their head and they will start to question everything.

Once you reach this stage you will be one step closer to achieving your goal of getting back together; especially if you can continually surprise them in a positive way!

Surprise your ex through the actions you planned to take after the break-up; through a new perspective and by being more positive and happy than they expect from you!

There are a million different ways to show that you have evolved positively or to do something they would never expect you to do in a million years. Think about the criticism your ex used to express towards you and start taking specific actions that will allow you to overcome some of your shortcomings.

For example, if your ex thought you were too selfish, start doing some community service once a week. You can go to a homeless shelter and make sandwiches for the needy or you can volunteer at a nearby hospital to spend time with the elderly.

You won’t tell your ex that you are no longer selfish; they won’t believe you anyway. But you can talk to them about your community service efforts and how rewarding it can be for you; and in the process impress the person you want to be with and show them that you have changed!

  1. Reverse psychology applied to get your ex back
    If you try to take your ex head-on and force him or her to change their mind, you will probably meet a lot of resistance and never get where you want to go. It’s quite simple: it’s impossible to force someone to love you; but you can get them to fall in love with you if you take the right actions and are a little bit clever in your approach!

Reverse psychology is a technique in which you do or say the opposite of what you want to achieve. If you do a bit of research on this principle and try to incorporate this technique into your game plan, it’s possible that you’ll make your ex want to be with you faster than expected!

How to get an ex back through reverse psychology? Well, you can start by engaging in their bluffing game! I hear people tell me the following all the time: ‘my ex says he doesn’t love me anymore’; or ‘my ex-boyfriend says he still has feelings but it’s probably best if we stop seeing each other’; or ‘my ex-girlfriend says all she wants is for me to find someone else and be happy’!

Excuse my French, but that’s usually a load of crap! Your ex probably doesn’t believe these words or these types of statements. Either he’s trying to convince you to stop pursuing them, or he’s trying to make himself believe that he’s moved on, or he’s trying to prove to other people that you’re not together anymore.

Take a leap of faith and do exactly what your ex suggests you do to move on. Obviously you shouldn’t go all the way and really move on, or never try to get close to them again. But let them doubt for a few weeks or even a few months if you have been on the brink or divorced after a long marriage; push them to the brink to see if they are really able to take on their words.

If you are able to control your emotions, your ex will often break up before you and try to get back with you!

  1. Break up with your ex!
    No matter if you are trying to get back with the person you love, you will have to seduce them somehow and make them fall in love with you. Seduction is not always about physique and sex appeal. You can seduce an ex through a musical instrument, for example, if you are gifted; through your music you could inspire them and touch their heart.

Passionate couple lying and kissing on the bed
If you are passionate or gifted with something positive or constructive, you are likely to seduce your ex again while engaging in that activity you are in your element! Of course, if your ex dumped you because you focused too much of your time on your passion (i.e. your musical instrument) and neglected it, you might want to try another approach.

But no matter what you have to seduce your ex and inspire him or her to get back together. An ex’s comeback is often about you being yourself and not letting your emotions or feelings change who you are in your heart. So don’t try to seduce your ex by being someone you’re not; it won’t be sustainable anyway and your ex will probably see right through you!

How to win someone back for good
When you’re in love you often just want to be with that person forever. But is this possible nowadays? Can you really win someone back forever? I know it is still possible, because I see people who win back their meaning every day, even after a break-up.

The trick, of course, is to never consider that your partner is conquered forever and to keep working continuously to prove to your ex that you can make them happy!

  1. Stay consistent with the changes you have made
    If you are in the mindset of trying to figure out how to win someone back for good, you have to come to terms with the fact that you can never, ever slow down your efforts! You will have to keep working continuously to demonstrate your change or evolution, because you are always under the threat of a relapse.

In addition, your ex will quickly point out the fact that you have reverted to your holding ways and say something like “See, I knew you couldn’t change” or “I was so stupid to think you could stop doing this or that”.

Relationships are like a garden; you always have to take care of them or do your best to nurture your romance. In parallel you have to be firm with your personal development.

As you now know, it’s not just about taking care of your partner or nurturing your relationship; you also have to make sure that your needs, dreams and aspirations are met, while also maintaining a healthy social balance.

Again, the best way to ensure that you remain consistent with the changes you have made is to regularly set goals and always keep setting new ones once you have achieved what you set out to do. By striving to be better in all aspects of your life, you will inspire your loved one and remain in a positive dynamic in your relationship.

  1. Be content with what you have
    I am sure you have heard the saying that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. It is also very very relevant to love and relationships. After being with someone for a long time it is easy to be tempted by something new or to get bored! Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you can easily find someone better!

cute young African couple in love
The abundance of fish in the coastline is not as simple as some make it out to be. The truth is that it is much easier to figure out how to win someone back than to find someone with whom you can build a lasting and sustainable relationship! You already know your partner and share memories and a history together. There is already something to build on, in a way.

The thought of finding something new with endless possibilities and the chance to rewrite your own destiny will always be very tempting; especially when you reach a difficult time in your relationship. But please try to gain perspective in those moments and don’t snap at a moment of weakness, because you may live to regret it.

I have coached so many people who have broken up with their ex only to realise how much they love them and want to get back together! Learn to love and be despised for what you have.

  1. Always keep seducing your partner
    This is a topic we’ve all touched on in this roadmap, but it’s so important that I wanted to spend it briefly. The seduction game between you and your ex can never end!

Again, we’re not just talking about triggering their sexual desires, but also the ability to inspire your ex. If I were to put together a recipe on how to win someone back for good, the first ingredient I would ask you to add to the blender would be to develop the ability to seduce and inspire the other person.

Seducing a partner means being both in tune with ourselves and with the one we love. It means that both your auras resonate and speak to each other on a deeper level.

It means that you are striking a perfect balance between your personal aspirations and desires and the beliefs your ex has, or the plans they may have, or that you are in tune with something they also value highly.

To continually seduce your ex, remember to stay true to what you love and never try to do too much to please your ex. It’s all too easy to fall into one extreme or the other; either putting your partner on a pedestal or disassociating from your relationship altogether.

Also remember to do little things out of the ordinary to show your significant other that you care and that you care about them – without going overboard. Take the time to understand your partner’s love language so that you can show them your love in a way that speaks to them!

Get back with your ex and stay happy together
In the end, the whole process is about getting back with your ex, but also staying happy together afterwards. Our goal as relationship experts is to help people stay happy with the person they love in the long run!

This is exactly why we provide you with this roadmap and why we invest more than 10 hours a day, every day, 365 days a year; talking to people like you during a coaching session, on the phone, by email or in person!

  1. Is/is he/she still the right one for you?
    You also want to make sure that you are with the right person, the one who can make you happy. Don’t let your love or fear of being alone blind you. If you’re not happy, if you don’t feel appreciated or not appreciated at all, make sure you pull back and communicate your frustration with the person you’re with in the right way!

Sweet young couple lying on the carpet
I want to stress this because often when you’re in the process and mindset of getting back with an ex, you can tend to forget that it’s also about being happy rather than simply being in a relationship with the person you love. It’s okay for you to be unhappy, it’s okay for you to sometimes express your discontent and set certain expectations for the other person.

We’ve come full circle; at this point I can also tell you that if you’ve done everything you can to get back with your ex, if you’ve diligently followed our advice, if you’ve worked with a relationship expert and the person you love is still not willing to compromise or make sacrifices to accommodate you and make things work; then maybe you should consider moving on and figuring out how to get over a breakup because he or she probably wasn’t the one for you.

We pride ourselves on telling our clients right away if we think they should move on or if we think getting back with an ex hurts them more than anything else. In some cases you have to let go of a destructive relationship to realise it wasn’t meant to be and to find your true soulmate!

  1. The joint life project
    The best way for two people to maintain a bond over a long period of time is to have plans together. You can start with the goal of buying or building a house, you can imagine having children together, what you will call them and how you intend to raise them; but I would like you to focus on something deeper, something that will allow you to dream even more together.

We often refer to the concept of a life project together with the people we coach who are still with the person they love, but have started to drift apart.

The issue here is not necessarily about getting back together with your ex, but more about how to reconnect when love starts to drift away; how to make sure that you both keep pulling in the same direction when life gets in the way, after a tragedy or even if one of you suddenly starts to get stressed by a new job or a big change in your life.

A life project can help you to stand firm and pull in the same direction, because it is a manifesto of what you both aspire to achieve together. This might even be an unattainable goal, but one that resonates at the core of both you and your significant other.

Whether you are together or apart, this must be a dream that you would both be loathe to pursue individually; but knowing full well that you will inspire and help each other to approach this endeavour as a unit rather than alone!

It can be quite difficult to work out what the common life plan for your couple might be. It can take an enormous amount of time and effort to figure it out; and it is a process that you will have to go through together.

It would also be a pleasure for us to provide advice for both you and your significant other to help you create this manifesto that will highlight your combined bond and aspirations!

  1. Getting back together with your ex is not the end of the journey!
    When trying to get back together with someone you love, some people tend to stop projecting into the future after the moment they are reunited with their loved one.

Don’t make this mistake! Although we’ve told you time and again that you need to continue to strive throughout your relationship, even after you’ve been able to achieve your goal of getting back with your ex, we need to keep reminding you of this simple but essential point.

It’s human nature to tend to relax a bit after we’ve been able to achieve something we’ve worked diligently for over a long period of time. They say that happiness is about the journey and not the destination; I want to go a step further and tell you that happiness in love is about the journey and not the destination!

Enjoy your time together while you can! Constantly remember to live in the present moment, to enjoy the here and now.

Imagine putting in all this work to be with the person you love and then later forgetting to cherish the moments you spend together. It may seem unfathomable to you now, but believe me, after a few years of living and being together it is very easy to forget how beautiful and how special your bond is.

We wish you luck in your journey to be with the one you love. We have enormous respect for what you are trying to achieve and the fact that you believe in love. We try to provide you with as much free content as possible to help you maximise your chances of getting back with your ex.

However, sometimes general concepts, even if detailed, are not enough. If you want to take it a step further and give yourself the best chance of getting back with your loved one or having no regrets, I strongly encourage you to book a consultation with one of our relationship experts. It could be the best call you will ever make.

Exactly how to get your ex back in 5 guaranteed steps

Want to know the weirdest thing about getting back with your ex?

It’s actually not that hard to get back with your ex. With a couple of tricks, getting back together can actually be very easy.

The trick is that when he comes back, he’ll kiss it. There’s a difference between finding out how to get your ex back and how to get your ex back.

Make your Ex regret The Breakup

Many women go back to their ex-boyfriends every day. But most of them lose him again.

Why?

Because the same problems that ruined their relationship before are still there, unresolved.

And if you don’t know how to find and solve those problems that are rooted in the dynamics of your relationship, they will remain, waiting to ruin your chances with him again.

To get your ex back, and make him a TRC for good – it’ll take a little longer.

(But not much longer, don’t worry).

In this article, I’ll give you a 5-step plan that will teach you how to get your ex back, attracting him back magnetically – and KEEPING him there once he’s back.

Getting your ex back is only hard when you make mistakes. Unfortunately, it’s really easy to make mistakes when you’re struggling with the pain of breaking up with the usual feelings of loss, embarrassment and unhappiness. You may find yourself overwhelmed with the question: I want my ex back, but where do I even start? Will my ex ever come back? How will you get your ex-boyfriend back? And if enough time has passed: Is it possible to get your ex back after a few months?

All this said, how will you get your ex back? No matter what stage of the break-up you’re at, let me tell you about this cold, hard fact:

Reconnecting with ex-boyfriends is only hard when you make mistakes.

But when you have a 5-step plan, you won’t feel confused. You’ll know exactly where you’re going, and how to get there, and how to get over a breakup.

You’ll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel with a straight line that will show you how to get back there as quickly as possible.

Take the Quiz: Can you get your ex back or is he gone for good?
Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) ‘Can you get your ex back’ quiz now and find out if you can get your ex back or if he’s gone for good ….

Instead of vague Googling instructions like “how to get my ex back”, you need a solid plan to actually do the legwork. Well, lucky for you, this article is your plan. Follow the steps I give you and you will irresistibly get your ex back to you.

It’s not rocket science. It’s not even complicated.

Here’s the truth – you’ve already done most of the hard work. Basically, getting your ex back is all about letting him remember how much he misses you and how good your relationship was.

And that’s what the first step is all about.

Step 1: The No Contact Rule – Break contact with him.
If you’re wondering how to get back together with your ex. he has to realise how much he misses you.

And for that to happen, there can be no contact between you.

So here’s the rule: Stop contact with him for at least four weeks.

What does that mean?

It means:

No calling him.
No texting.
No contacting him online (Facebook messages, emails, Gchat, Twitter, IM).
No wasting time with friends to run to him.
Don’t run to him “casually” (exactly what you think it means).
If you have any questions, check the FAQ at the end of this section.

Here’s the big secret to making the no-contact rule work that almost every so-called expert misses: No rule works for YOU either…

It’s when you clear yourself of anything inside that could cause problems with your ex coming back.

Yes, it’s typical after a breakup when we want to think about it all the time… Worry about it, wonder about it, analyse it, etc. It’s typical that people (men and women) think about the relationship or breakup and just feed off it.

It’s typical and understandable. But does it help you? Not at all. In fact, it does all the things that hurt your chances of getting your ex back.

It kills your mood. It makes you ‘stuck’ on it. It consumes your attention and energy, which you will do to improve your chances of getting it back.

So if you don’t detoxify what you’re thinking and feeling inside, you’re not doing the “no contact” rule! This is a secret that most relationship coaches don’t tell you, but “detoxifying” your inner world is the most important part of the no-contact rule.

The no-contact rule, yes, but even more importantly, what YOU do while you’re out of contact really matters.

What to do when thoughts of him, the break up or the relationship arise in your mind:
The “no contact” rule is not about “waiting” or “missing” him while you do it.

The no-contact time is ACTIVE TIME you spend in DETOX from obsessive thoughts about him, his absence and negativity in your mind about the relationship.

Now I know that telling you not to think about him now may seem impossible, but there is a way to make it super easy:

Thoughts of him will pop up from time to time. When they appear, you’ll just let them pass you by, like meaningless clouds floating in the sky. You’ll notice they’re there, but you won’t feed on them… you won’t chase them.

That’s the secret. You don’t feed into those thoughts about him, about the relationship, about the problems, about what he did or didn’t do. You don’t feed into any thoughts about him or the relationship, full stop.

You don’t analyse, you don’t reflect, you don’t show regret, you don’t wonder if you made a wrong move, you don’t wonder what he does or if he will come back. None of that.

Fill your life.
Instead, you focus on filling your life with the things you love to do, the things that make you happy, the things that make you feel good. Fill your life and LIVE HAPPY. As long as you let him miss you and worry about losing you forever (which will make him want you back more and more), you will get STRONGER, lifting your mood and happiness up, up, up….

The best thing about not making any contacts
You’ll know the TRUTH about how badly this guy wants to have the relationship with you that you really want.

Cutting off contact may sound illogical, or like you’re trying to get back at your ex. But let me assure you that this is one of the most important steps if you want to learn how to effectively repair your relationship with your ex. So, why do you cut off contact with him? For a couple of reasons:

First, to get a grip and look at the relationship.
Things get pretty messed up after a breakup – and trying to get him back while you’re at it will only make things worse.

If you want to win him back, and give him a TRC… he needs to realise how much he misses you.

That’s why you need those 4 weeks to calm down, get your act together and really look at what your relationship was like. Gaining perspective means that you can clearly see whether you were happy or not, whether you were right for each other, or whether you even want your relationship back.

It also gives you time to get past the initial unbearable phase where you miss it, and move into a calmer, more secure mentality. Instead of trying to deal with the signs that your ex still loves you, you will work on yourself and become a better person. This gives you the opportunity to say, “I don’t HAVE to make him happy – I can be happy all by myself.”

Secondly, it’s to give him space to miss you and realise (all by yourself) that he wants you back.
If you want him to notice how much he misses you, he has to have space to notice that you are gone.

He won’t notice the hole you’ve left in his life unless you let him. So if you’re still engaged with him, he won’t be lonely. If you are still having sex with him, he won’t miss having sex or communicating. If you are still emotionally connecting with him, he won’t miss the love and pleasure of being with you.

The truth is in the saying ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’. It’s time for you to make it work. When you break contact with him, he will remember all the good times you had together. Eventually, all memories of bad times, arguments and mistakes will disappear.

Remember that you don’t have to remind him how much he enjoyed being in a relationship with you – he will notice everything on his own. It’s important for him to be able to wake up one day and say to himself, “I want my ex back,” without being pushed around.

If you woke up without an arm, you’d notice pretty quickly that you were missing something vital. You wouldn’t need a hand to touch your shoulder to remind you that it was missing.

You’d immediately notice how its absence makes your life worse, so let him notice all the ways its absence makes his life worse.

Here’s all you need to know about the no-contact rule.

But what if… (No Contact FAQ)
What if he contacts me? Does this break the No Contact rule?
If he contacts you (as he calls you, or texts you, or sends you another message), it’s not breaking contact. But if you reply to him by contacting you, it would be considered breaking the rule. Replying is the same as communicating with him or her yourself.

If it really is an emergency, you can reply – but keep the conversation focused on the emergency and nothing else. No personal questions, no relationship questions, nothing about anything from your life. Focus only on the emergency situation he or she has contacted you about.

What if I haven’t already contacted you?
The only way to really take advantage of the no-contact rule is to follow it to the end. This means that if you have broken the no-contact rule, the only thing to do is to start the no-contact period all over again.

The only thing that will make him miss you again is time, and the only way to make him think about how good the relationship was and forget about the pain of uninterrupted no-contact time.

Also, it’s about going cold turkey and proving to yourself that you can live your life without him in it. If you can live your life without him for four weeks, you’ve proven it to yourself.

What if we bump into each other?
Firstly, don’t bump into him ‘on purpose’. You know what that means.

Secondly, if you do bump into him by accident, here’s what to do. Be upbeat, positive and in a good mood while you’re talking to him. Let him lead the conversation and pick the topics, and whatever you do, don’t bring up the relationship or the relationship with him.

Shoot for about 10 minutes and then end the conversation with him. Aim to be upbeat, positive and give the impression that you are doing well, everything in your life is good and you feel happy. Showing bitterness or resentment will only take him away from you.

What if he finds someone new while you’re out of contact?
The short answer is that he won’t.

When a guy gets out of a serious relationship, he’s not going to fall in love and find someone new right away. Most guys don’t even want to get into a relationship right after getting out of a serious relationship. When they do, it’s almost always a “rebound” relationship designed to distract him from the pain of loss – and it never works.

If you’re really worried that your ex is about to enter a new relationship, or you know he’s in one and you want to know if it’s real or not, this article will let you know that his new relationship is a ‘rebound’. That way, you can get a definitive answer to the question, “Is he in a new relationship?” and move on, establishing a “no contact” rule that will work for you.

It’s about trusting that giving him time is going to make him miss you, and getting into a better mindset so that you are as attractive to him as possible. The alternative is to panic, stalk him, text him constantly and beg him to take you back – which NEVER works. Believe me, this is the only way to get him back (and keep him forever).

Should it really be four weeks?
Yes. Remember that he needs space to remember how much he misses you, and shorter than 4 weeks he’s just not going to cut it.

Also, you need time to recover from the breakup and come out stronger, happier and more positive. That’s just not going to happen in 4 weeks, and it will work against you if you try to do it in a shorter period of time.

Isn’t that rude and even cruel to him? Sounds like overkill to me.
It’s not about “punishing” him, or being rude, or being deliberately cruel to him. It’s about giving both of you the space you need to look at the relationship and really identify the issues that have separated the two of you.

Remember, the “no contact” rule isn’t about him, it’s about YOU. You don’t break contact to try to piss him off, you give yourself time and space to heal from the break-up – just as you give him time and space to start missing you again.

Finally, here’s the biggest reason for the no-contact rule:
It stops you from making fatal break-up mistakes that will really drive him away for good – which we’ll talk about in the next section.

Watch the video: How to get your ex back easily.

Step 2: Fatal mistakes (And ignoring your instincts)
This section will look at all the fatal mistakes women make after a breakup. These mistakes will alienate your ex from you, all of which will ruin your chances of ever getting back with your ex.

The worst thing about these mistakes is that they are so natural. These mistakes happen when you follow your instincts after a breakup.

These mistakes happen when you follow your instincts after a breakup.

At first glance, it doesn’t seem fair… and it’s not. It’s not fair that your instincts will encourage you to do things that will ruin your chances of getting back together with your ex.

That’s why the no-contact rule is so important – to take away your chance of making any of these fatal mistakes.

Mistake #1: Let him do whatever he wants and just take it.
After a break-up, the temptation is to just give your ex whatever he wants in the hope that it will bring him back to you.

This is one of the worst things you can do – because all you’re doing is signalling to him that he’s in control and that you’re not going anywhere – which means he has no reason to come back to you.

If he’s getting everything he wants from you without doing any work or coming back to you, what incentive does he have to renew the relationship?

None.

Besides, giving in to him and giving him everything he wants shows him desperation. It puts your vibe into despair, which consciously and unconsciously turns him off and ruins your chances with him.

In fact, many relationships end up making this fatal mistake. Here’s how it usually happens:

The beginning, or ‘honeymoon’, of a relationship is an exciting, magical time. You two were doing fun things together. You enjoyed getting to know and explore each other. You were each other’s equals.

Then, as the relationship goes on, something changes…

Instead of feeling equal, you feel like you’re losing it. Like you have to chase him to get his attention.

Like you have to bother him to get love from him.

Like slowly but surely, you’re losing him… and you don’t know how to stop it.

You start to worry about him leaving or going away and so you put up with his bad behaviour, trying to get him to stay.

Unfortunately, all this makes him lose respect for you and see you as desperate, which further undermines the relationship and pushes him further away.

MORE: These signs mean you can get your ex back.

It inevitably becomes a downward spiral that continues until the relationship breaks down.

The only way to have a good relationship is to demand a good relationship from him. If you don’t, and give him everything he wants so that he wants to stay with you, you sabotage the relationship and ruin your chances with him.

Mistake #2: Give him tons of affection.
This ties in with the first mistake – except that instead of convincing him to get back together with you by putting up with his bad behaviour, you try to convince him to get back together by showering him with affection.

The main mistake here is that you are trying to convince him to get back together with you. This makes you look needy and desperate – which will turn him off completely.

When you smother him with attention and love, it shows him that you are desperate. He knows you love him – he just broke up with you. When you remind him how much you love him, what actually happens is that he thinks you are trying to manipulate him into getting back together with him, and this turns him off.

Remember that the conclusion he reaches on his own will always be much stronger than the conclusion you manipulate him to reach.

Mistake #3: Trying to use pity to win him back.
Pity is not attractive. Neither is begging.

When you first met him, you didn’t beg him to be with you. You didn’t rely on his pity to go out with you. That doesn’t help you now.

All you’re doing is begging or using pity to convince him that he made the right move. This sabotages your vibe and makes you look needy and desperate, which makes him recoil from you and push you away from his life.

Mistake #4: Make him super jealous if he starts dating someone new.
Obviously, this can seem very upsetting. After all, he’s dating someone new, which means your chances are ruined, right?

Actually, not as much as you might think. As we’ve said before, when a guy starts dating after a serious relationship, it’s almost always a relationship – not a real one.

And a rebound relationship is a completely ineffective way to move on. All it will do is remind him that he cares about you more and that he wants you back in his life.

Acting jealous won’t make him want to come back to you – he’ll do the opposite. This will push him even further towards another girl and make you come off as needy and desperate again.

Mistake #5: Calling and texting him all the time.
This falls under the no-contact rule, and it’s one of the biggest reasons why the no-contact rule exists.

Your instincts will keep screaming at you to call and text him. You miss him, you want to talk to him, you want him to acknowledge you, you want to connect with him!

Unfortunately, your instincts are working against you. Contacting him will only push him further away and tell him he was right to break up with you.

So, as difficult as it may be, it’s best to follow the no-contact rule. Without it, it is far more likely that you will make that fatal mistake.

Mistake #6: Acting cold, aloof, nasty or desperate towards him.
Just as your instincts tell you to call and text him, they tell you to be nasty to him. After all, he broke your heart! It’s only natural that you would want to hurt him back.

Obviously, this will work against you – driving him further away and reinforcing in his mind that he doesn’t want you in his life. Even if it feels good in the short term as a cathartic release of pain and frustration, in the long term it will undoubtedly drive him away from you forever.

Remember – hurting him will not make him want to put up with you again. It will just ruin your life and push him away from you.

Mistake #7: Trying to make him jealous by talking about other guys.
This is another reason for the no-contact rule – to prevent this fatal mistake.

MORE: Does your ex want you back? These key signs mean that he…

If you’re trying to make him jealous by flaunting the fact that you see other guys in his face, all he’ll do is make you look desperate.

He’ll be able to see right through it (after all, you’re dating other guys to make him jealous, so he’s still in control) and it will look like you’re trying to manipulate him. This will turn him off and alienate him faster than anything else – so definitely avoid this mistake.

Mistake #8: Talking to him about relationships and asking him about his love life.
As we’ve said before, letting him come to his own conclusions is much stronger and more powerful than trying to lead him there yourself.

It’s much more powerful when we come up with something ourselves than when someone else tells us.

It’s like when you figure something out on your own versus when a friend tells you something. It is stronger when it is self-created.

It’s stronger when you understand something on your own.

So let him come to his own conclusions about the relationship. Don’t ask him how his love life is going now, let him know that it’s not as good as when you were dating.

These are the most fatal mistakes that will destroy your chances of winning him back.

Now it’s time to move on to the third step – what you should do during the no-contact period.

Step 3: get stronger while he gets weaker.
So you may be wondering: what should I do during the no-contact period?

There is a very simple answer to this: you will get stronger while he gets weaker.

While he is becoming more and more aware of your absence from his life, you will improve, feel better, stronger and more independent, and become physically and emotionally healthier.

This means that as you grow as a person, become more comfortable, confident and happy, and gain insight into the relationship, he will slide back, thinking about you, missing you, and eventually wishing you were back.

Think of it this way: these four weeks without contact are your detox period. You are detoxing from the relationship and getting over all the pain and heartbreak of the break-up.

If you never detox from the relationship, that same negativity, despair and pain will prevent you from ever getting it back. After all, you can’t get your ex-boyfriend back if your mind is working against you.

What does it mean for your mind to work against you?
It means that your negative emotions are controlling you. Heartbreak pain controls your mind (and pushes you towards all sorts of bad instincts described in Step 2), and if you don’t detox and get rid of that pain, it will push him away from you forever.

These 4 weeks without contact is a period of detoxification.

Think of it this way: negative emotions and feelings work against you and will eventually push him away from you, while positive emotions and feelings will work for you and magnetically attract him back to you.

To bring him back, you need a foundation of positive emotions – and to do that, you have to let go of the negative emotions.

The best, most effective way to let go of negative emotions is to point blank to acknowledge the fact that the relationship is over. It’s not something to yearn for, something to hope for, something to obsess about – it’s gone.

When you can let go of your relationship and accept the fact that in the moment you are completely single, it will get rid of the root of any insecurity and enable you to bring positivity back into your life.

The best first step towards detox is to get rid of all reminders of your relationship and your ex-boyfriend.

You don’t have to throw them away – but definitely put them in a place you don’t have easy access to, and whatever you do, don’t go back to them.

So write down his phone number and address on a piece of paper and keep it somewhere away, then delete them from your phone. Get rid of all the photos on your computer and phone that remind you of him. Remove his screen names from your lists and get rid of his emails and texts.

Don’t delete him from Facebook – just ‘unfollow’ him so he doesn’t look like you’ve taken him apart.

Take any gifts and physical reminders you have of him and put them away and out of sight. Remember that your goal is not to have anything that reminds you of him in your daily life.

The second step to detox is to erase his power over you.

The more you think about him, the more you will miss him.

This is why actively fighting your urge to obsess over him will serve you so well in the long run – because the more you obsess over him, the more power he has over you, and the less you can get over him.

Instead of thinking about him, there are a number of things you can do to trick your mind into forgetting about him for a while, so that you can relax and stop obsessing over him.

There are some great ways to do this. The most effective one is also the easiest one – to direct your mind to someone else.

The more you think about him, the more you will miss him.

Easier said than done, but by far the easiest way to get over an ex is to start thinking about someone new in your life. Think about other men and put your desire on them, and you’ll be shocked at how quickly your mind will turn to the new guy (and not obsess over thoughts of your ex).

A great exercise is to try fantasising about other men. Try to do this at least once a day. Even if you feel silly, pick the guy you like best and go for it.

MORE: The complete guide on how to make your ex miss you after a breakup.

This works better with guys you know in real life, but if you’re having trouble getting started, pick your favourite actor. The important thing is that you do it once a day and that you really stick to it. It may not seem like much at first, but it’s actually detoxifying consciously and unconsciously your mind from your ex, and moving you into a much better state of mind.

The third thing you need to do to erase his power over you is simple. Get out a pen and paper and write down all the things you didn’t like about your relationship with your ex. All the things he did that annoyed you, all the things you didn’t like about the relationship, and even all the things you didn’t like about the relationship.

Write down all these things and focus on them. This will help make your brain realise that your relationship with him wasn’t all sunshine and happiness, and in fact there were many reasons why you might not have been happy. Do that – and you’ll take huge steps in erasing his power over you.

So, other than that, what should you do during your lack of contact?
The best thing you can do for yourself is to focus on yourself – and focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be.

One of the best things you can do during no-contact is to start exercising (or throw yourself into exercise if you already have a programme).

Not only will this help you look your best, it gives you a place where you can stop thinking about your ex and just put all your attention and energy into your workout.

In addition, working out improves your mental state and makes you feel better about yourself. The endorphins that fill your brain help to flush toxins out of your body and move on even faster.

Getting compliments from other guys will definitely help you move on. One of the best ways to move on is to have a bunch of guys vying for your favour.

When you’re friends with other guys, your ex has to wonder if any of them are dating you. You don’t have to date any of them, but just being friends with them and having them around is enough to give you confidence and help you get over your ex.

MORE: How guys really cope with breakups.

Plus, you can use these guys as emotional support instead of feeling the instinct to lean on your ex.

Finally, the most important thing to focus on during the no-contact period is your vibe.

What is your vibe?
Your vibe is your most attractive asset. It can work for you or against you, and when it works for you, it magnetically attracts any guy. But a good vibe is one of the most powerful tools in learning how to date an ex again.

Let’s be clear. A vibe is essentially your mood. It’s how you genuinely feel at the moment (not how you pretend, but how you genuinely and truly feel deep down).

So when your mood is really good, relaxed and happy, your mood reflects that. When you feel anxious, worried, desperate or upset, your mood reflects that too.

There is nothing more attractive to a guy than a woman with a good mood. Women with really good vibes are more attractive to guys than any woman with bad vibes, even if she has a supermodel look.

The best way to understand what vibes are and what they do for you is to use an example from your own life. Think of a friend you know, now or in the past, who just can’t help but be negative.

There’s nothing more attractive to a guy than a woman with a good vibe.

It seems like every time you talk to this friend, they are complaining about something that has gone wrong in their life, or telling you about a problem that is not their fault, or burdening you with their unhappiness.

It’s not nice to talk to that friend, is it? When you see their name pop up on their phone, do you get that charging excitement?

No! You get that sinking feeling in your gut! You don’t get excited about talking to them, you dread it.

It’s all because of their vibration. Because of their negativity, their vibration suffers and it is unpleasant to be around them. If their vibration was good (because they worked harder at being in a good mood), then you would feel happy and joyful talking to them.

That’s what you strive for in your own life. When your mood is cheerful, happy and positive, people will be glad and happy to get closer to you.

MORE: How not to look discouraged and bring it back.

The best way to make sure your mood is as positive as possible is to focus on making sure you are in the best mood possible, and the best way to do this is to do things that make you feel good.

During a period of no contact, fill your life with things you love to do. Things that make you feel whole and that are largely fun for you.

When you focus on the things you really enjoy doing, it automatically improves your mood and enlivens your vibe. One great thing to do is to post pictures of yourself doing all the things you love to do on Facebook – because it’s super attractive to guys to see you having fun and enjoying yourself.

Guys are attracted to a woman who has her own life, her own happiness, and feels whole outside of a relationship. In an ideal world, your relationship is just the icing on the cake – it’s not what makes your life good, but having it in your life makes your life better.

So focus on your vibration, doing what makes you good and makes you whole. When you do this, you naturally help yourself move on from the relationship (and in the process become much more attractive to your ex).

If you’ve followed all of these guidelines, you’ll eventually come to the end of your period of no contact – and you’ll move on to Step 4.

Step 4: What to do when he reaches out (or how to reach out).
At this point, take a second to pat yourself on the back. You’ve made it to step 4 – and that’s worthy of congratulations.

At this point, the image of you as someone desperate, needy and clingy in your ex’s mind has faded, and he’s almost certainly wondering what you’re up to.

He’s also thinking about the good times you had together, now that the fresh memories of a painful break-up have faded.

And so now is the perfect time to strike.

Here are the conditions you should have already met to maximise your chances of getting him back:

You haven’t contacted him for four weeks and you haven’t followed the “no contact” rule.
You’ve dated another guy at least once during the no contact period (this may be the best way to get rid of needy and desperate behaviour and give you the best chance of getting your ex back).
You’ve put time and effort into making your life better and making positive changes.
You have fully accepted that you and your ex have broken up and believe that everything will be fine, whether you go back to him or not.
Deep down, you know that even if things don’t work out with your ex, there are millions of other guys who can’t wait to give you the love and happiness you’re looking for.
You have recovered mentally from the break-up and are in a much better state of mind.
You are confident and convinced that going back to your ex is the right decision.
If you can cross each item off this list, you are ready to communicate with your ex.

If he hasn’t contacted you by the end of your 4th week of no contact, then it’s time to contact, then meet and then.

He won’t be able to help himself.

While he missed you and remembered the good times, you have improved your mind, body and self-esteem and the full package will be irresistible.

So if you have successfully gone at least 4 weeks without contact with Him, and you have made major improvements in your life (by following the advice in Step 3), then you are ready to turn to Him.

General Questions and Answers
How do you get your ex-boyfriend back?
Make sure you abide by the “No Contact” rule at all times. In this case, ignore your instincts (because they usually act as impulses and are read as impulsive behaviour). Make sure you take time to feel strong and confident while you give it space. Make sure you don’t do this by repeating that you don’t show any signs of dependency or clinging when he reaches out to you.

How do you get your ex back quizzically?
If you have any doubts about how to use the Don’t Contact Anyone rule, or about how you can generally try to meet your ex, take the Ex Backer Quiz here.

Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) ‘Can you get your ex back’ quiz now and find out if you can get your ex back or if he’s gone for good ….

How do you get your ex back quickly with a text message?
If you’re looking for a quick fix or some quick ideas to initiate contact via texting, make sure the language stays casual. Treat it like a friend you just want to grab a bite to eat or a coffee with. Are you really pushing the wording of the text so hard to hang out? Give him the same attention to detail. Keep calm, stay calm. Keep a good mood and exude confidence in your indifference.

How do you get your ex back after a year?
The more time that passes between breaking up and the point of contact, the more you may owe him. Reach out to him to meet and talk and be honest about what you want to talk to him about. Show him how you have changed over the last year and how you have become a less confident woman. Remind him of the amazing and confident woman he fell in love with in the first place.

How do you get your ex back when he has moved on?
Sometimes, no matter what you do, he might have just moved on. And that’s okay. Be willing to accept that reality. We can’t control other people’s hearts, but you should take pride in knowing that you put yours on the line and took a leap of faith. If he moves on, respect his space. As long as you respect his space, you never know what the future holds.

The psychology of how to get your ex back: what really happens and why it all works.
When you haven’t been in touch with your ex, sooner or later something will come up that will remind you of the relationship. And since you will no longer be there, they will start to miss you in those moments.

Over time, that feeling of missing you starts to grow. And as time passes, they will start to worry and wonder if they have really lost you forever.

This is the most critical moment that will determine whether you get your ex back or let the relationship turn into nothing, so pay very close attention to this.

At this point, he’ll start wanting reassurance that he hasn’t lost you, or that he’s made the right decision.

He may start doing things (directly or indirectly) to check on you and make sure you are moving on.

This could include looking at your Instagram stories or randomly liking your social media posts. He might also start popping up in places where he knows he’ll run into you.

Or he might be more direct and simply contact you by text or phone call.

If and when he contacts you, be very careful how you respond. One of the things he will try to find out is whether you are prepared to wait until he comes to his senses, or whether he might actually lose you if he doesn’t make a move to get you back.

The way to deal with this requires a very specific, counter-intuitive approach.

Our instinct is usually to go along with what they offer if we think it gives us the slightest chance of reuniting. But this willingness and immediate availability is actually where the biggest pitfalls can happen.

Here’s the problem: If your relationship was wishy-washy and unfixed before the break-up, he’ll get the feeling that, despite the fact that you’ve now broken up, you’re ready to continue being an option. You run the risk of being the person he might fall back on if things don’t work out with someone new.

You do NOT want to open up the possibility that you’ll take the “owner’s seat” where you’re not officially together, but still dating romantically (despite the lack of a clear arrangement).

How to cope if your ex is in contact with you.
The best thing you can do is listen to what he has to say. You can be polite and courteous.

However, if the conversation moves to a place where he is testing to see if you want him to come back, do NOT give him the reassurance that you will wait for him to come back at some uncertain and undefined point in the future.

It’s better not to talk about whether you’re moving on at all, even if it’s true. If he asks you directly, you can say, “I’m not happy about the breakup, but I understand that it happened and that I’m 100% free now.” If he insists on details, you can just say you don’t want to talk about it.

If he does insist, you can ask him to clarify if he wants to talk in order to get back into a relationship with you again. This way, the conversation saves you from having to wait forever to find out what he’s thinking.

Ideally, this is how you want this conversation to go: so that he reveals his thoughts and feelings to you, without revealing the status of whether or not you are moving on.

If you’re asked directly if you want to get back together, you can say, “If you want to get back together in a clear, committed relationship, let me know if that’s what you want.” And if he says anything other than ‘Yes, I want that,’ tell him you understand and are open to the future: “If you decide this is what you want, let me know.”

The most important thing here is that you don’t get into the dynamic you want when he starts reaching out to you, or you risk getting into a dynamic where you’re not in a clearly defined relationship, but just a placeholder until he finds someone else.

The only way you can truly get together is if you both want to have a clearly defined, committed relationship.

If he’s not sure he wants it yet, give him a chance to decide if he wants it.

Either he does, and you return to a relationship with a solid, clear foundation. Or you will find that he absolutely does not want to get back into a relationship with you to the point where he is ready to lose you.

I know the latter may sound disappointing, but it’s actually a very good thing to clarify as soon as possible. It helps to know once and for all that you’ve done everything in your power to move on.

In this case, there’s no “I want to get back together with my ex like” advice to be used. Don’t you want to know if the effort you put in will be worth your time?

You get clarity, so you can move on knowing that it won’t happen, and you can confidently open the door to someone new without worrying that you’re making a mistake or giving up something that might have worked.

You can finally see the truth about whether he was ever really ready to commit to you the way you really want him to.

Only when you are ready to leave, and he believes he has truly lost you, will he do everything in his power to win you back and give you the relationship you want.

The good news here is that there are so many times, even in the most difficult and challenging scenarios, where the guy does come back and fights to get you back and you are shocked that this guidance has worked so well.

It happens so often that I can confidently say that this guide is not just a way to get your ex back… it’s the only way worth doing. Just make sure you remember that it’s for you too, because it’s so important!

How should you get through to him?
When it comes to reaching out to your ex, the best way to do it is to text him. You don’t want to call him right now – better to let him create an attraction in his mind before you talk on the phone.

This begs the question – what message should you send him?

When you break the ice and get back in touch with him, the best kind of text is one that gives him a reason why you are writing to him and also makes him think of you again.

One of the best ways to do this is to tell him about something positive that happened in your life and reminded you of him.

The best way is to make him think of you again.

Maybe a TV show or film you saw recently made you think of him. Maybe you saw a holiday advert and it reminded you of a trip you took with him.

MORE: More ways to get your ex-boyfriend back for good.

Whatever it is, it’s an opportunity to text him: ‘Hey, I saw a cruise advert the other day and it reminded me of when we went to the beach together for a week. It was so much fun, I’m really glad we did it together.”

The most important thing to remember is that you want to be subtle and positive. You’re not writing him to try to win him back, you’re not writing him to remind him of the relationship, you’re not even writing him to make him love you again.

The reason you’re texting him is because it would be fun and nice to talk to him again – and nothing else. No ulterior motivation (like trying to win him back), no manipulation and no agenda.

Now, most of the time, your ex will text you first. And when that happens, you’ll want the perfect response already lined up.

That’s why I wrote an article on how to reply to your ex’s messages.

Whatever message you want to send him (whether it’s “I miss you and would like to get back together” or “Stop texting me, I want nothing to do with you”), you’ll find the best way to say it in this article.

Now let’s go back to communicating with him after the period of no contact is over.

Whatever you do when you first write to him, don’t bring up the relationship or the break-up. Don’t talk about how much you miss him, or that you want to get back together, or that you’re unhappy he’s not in your life.

In the same vein, never text him negatively. Don’t send him bitter or angry texts, which will 100% make him ignore your messages and undo all your hard work during the period of no contact.

At the same time, your text can’t just be “nothing” either. Sending him a message that says nothing, like ‘hello’, or just an emoji emoji will turn him off.

Another thing to remember: don’t text him over and over again. Give him time and space to respond to your message, and never send him more than one message in a row without him replying to you.

MORE: Advice on getting your ex back

Here’s your mindset when you reach out to him: you’re happy, strong, content with your life, and fulfilled. You know you’re attractive, and you have complete choice in your love life.

You’re not trying to win him back, you just think it would be a shame to throw away such a good friendship that the two of you had.

The way to frame the conversation is this: you’ve been contemplating the break-up, and you fully believe that the break-up was the right thing to do – and that it’s for the best for both of you. Nevertheless, it would be foolish to throw away such a great friendship.

How to meet him
The best way to ask your ex out again is NOT to call it a date. Remember – you want to be friends with him and keep your friendship – and calling it a date means sending him on a date (because that will show you have a plan to get back at him that will turn him off more than anything else).

MORE: A tactic that will get your ex back for you…

As long as you complete the items on the list above and really put in the work, you’ll feel and look great when you see him.

You’ll be super attractive, super confident and super relaxed – ready to just have a good time with him and enjoy life together.

The best way to ask your ex out again is NOT to call it a date.

The most effective way to get him to come and see you on a date is to call him. You can suggest meeting for coffee or a drink, with the understanding that he’s just a friend you want to meet, not an ex-boyfriend you want back.

As long as you focus all your energy and attention on having a good time with him and making sure your mood is good (which contributes to an overall good mood, which is the most attractive thing you can do), then the work you put in during the no-contact period will do the rest.

Remember – what he will remember most about seeing you again (more than what you said, or what you did together, or who paid, or what you were wearing, or anything else) is your mood.

If you’re wearing your prettiest outfit, and you’ve worked out, and you look amazing, and you have an amazing tan, and you have a perfect hair day, and you’re in a bad mood, and you have a bad feeling about it… is the only thing he’ll remember.

(Of course, he might think “she looked good…” but he’ll also think “spending time with her is really bad, I remember why we broke up.”)

It’s important for him to feel really good about spending time with you again… especially if things have ended badly between you two. The contrast between how you felt at the end of your relationship and how you feel now is the key to getting back together with him.

If things seemed awful, tense and strained at the end of your relationship (which is very normal), then making sure your feelings are good is the best thing you can do. That way, he will be shocked at the difference in what it feels like to be around you.

He will be amazed at how nice it feels to be with you if your mood is good, which will immediately remind him of why you were dating him (and make him spin in his head that you should probably start dating again).

How to get your ex back: 7 things you can do

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Second Chance With Your Ex? Free Video reveals...

I know you want your ex back. But you are also thinking about moving on. You know this person has flaws, but your heart still tells you to come back because sometimes you think about how good they are. You only want to be with this person again, for better or for worse. And you know something? More than 80% of us think about it when we separate.

Then you cry, maybe even look at the sky, maybe even pray and think: “Please…. Just let me go back with my ex. I hope my ex is just making a mistake and hasn’t thought it through. I know we’re perfect for each other. I just want to call my ex and say “I love you”. Then every half hour you look at your phone, check your messenger, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and damn…. Your email inbox to see if your ex(es) want to talk to you, all ready to get back together.

STOP. IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD.

Guess what? Your ex wanted to break up with you because he thinks something is wrong with your relationship. That it’s not going to work out.

Well, at least your ex thinks you’re not worth the trouble.

I’m sorry for breaking up with you, honey, but that’s the hard truth.

Do you remember my other post? Everybody has flaws and problems. If your partner wants to break up with you, it means that they don’t love you enough and don’t want to solve things with you.

So how can you get your ex back if they think you’re not worth it?

You need to make them feel that you are worth it.

You need to increase your value.

You need to make them feel that you are too busy for them because (a) your life is wonderful (b) you have many people who want to be with you.

For example: imagine that there is a pair of shoes that you could have bought for 50 dollars. You like it a lot, but you thought it was too expensive, so you left. The next day you came back and people started to line up outside the store just for that pair of shoes. The price of those shoes was increased to 150 dollars. Would you feel as if you had lost?

That’s exactly how you want your ex to feel.

That he/she has lost something.

You need to make your ex feel like you love him/her. If you love yourself, people will love you, including your ex.

So here’s what you need to do:

Do not contact your ex.

Your ex would think that he/she is the best person for you. This action only confirms to your ex that you are not that good, that nobody else wants you, and only confirms to your ex that he/she is right to have left you.

I have done this before. It ended in two tragedies: (a) the ex did not answer the call/responded to my message (b) the ex told me again that we will never meet again.

Do not put negativity on social media

First of all, your acquaintances will follow you and, if they see the negativity, they won’t want to approach you or introduce you to new people. Secondly, any new friend will know that you are sad and will not want to know you better or they will be infected by your sadness. Thirdly, for the friends who really care about you – you can simply follow the traditional path and meet them and cry their eyes out.

It’s really stupid to call more attention for being negative. Nobody likes that kind of attention.

Don’t get hurt

Why get hurt by someone who doesn’t care? That’s really stupid.

Don’t get involved in relationships so easily

I know that you feel hurt and probably feel useless at this moment because you feel that your ex doesn’t want you. You yearn to feel loved and wait: “My ex will know that I’m in another relationship and my ex will get jealous and beg to come back. STOP. This is not self-love. It’s called my-ex-is-still-the-centre-of-my-universe. Whatever you do, you do it because you want to win your ex back. But, in fact, everything you do from now on must be focused on yourself.

It may seem like a contradiction – recovering your ex, not trying to recover him.

But this is exactly the point.

This is what makes us human.

You always want what you can’t.

And you always want what you think is good for you. So, how can you become better? You can start with the outside (new haircut, new clothes, gain some muscles, eat healthier etc.) and with a good attitude/attitude. Participate in meditation/yoga/learning new things. Improve your external appearance and your inner attitude. Be the best version of yourself.

Go out with friends and meet new people.

Now that you are the 2.0 version, you need to show it to others. Get out more!

Start doing something you’ve been left behind.

You need to have the courage to do what you like. This is the most important point to love yourself.

For example, if you have always wanted to try riding a horse, start learning it. Sign up for a course.

If you always wanted to start a business, start learning how to do it and surround yourself with people who are doing the same.

If you always wanted to go back to your school to visit your favorite teacher, it’s time to do it.

If you always wanted to try that new restaurant and get a pedicure, do it.
This is the moment when you only have to worry about yourself.

Take pictures

When you go out or have new experiences, take pictures of your new and improved look. When you do your favorite things, take a picture. You can also take pictures with your friends. Cheer up. Then post on social networks like Instagram or Facebook. This will help you make new friends too! Your ex may or may not see these photos. But who cares about that? You are having fun and will attract more like-minded people. But please don’t post too much. Posting once every two days is a good amount to avoid annoying others while showing your great life.

While doing all this, don’t even try to think about your ex or what he would like. Do what you like. Be the best version of yourself.

You won’t be surprised if your ex starts to get in touch with you again anyway. Most people do.

And if he/she gets in touch with you again, treat him/her only as an acquaintance, never as an ex. Be gentle. If you don’t feel that you are ready to talk to him/her, simply ignore him/her. If he/she asks you to meet, don’t do it because even though he/she seems cured, it will still hurt when you meet again.

Do not restart the relationship just after a few phone calls/contacts.

After all, your value is much higher now. Your ex is just another stalker. Let them wait a while and take as much time as you want to re-evaluate the person before you come back. You may even find someone who loves you more than your ex!

How to get your ex-girlfriend back – 15 steps you need to take


By Justin Brown

Life just isn’t the same without them.

You find yourself missing them, wanting to pick up the phone and tell them you miss them and pine for the good times.

So now you want to know.

How to get your ex-boyfriend back.

But how can you do that?

Firstly, picking up the phone won’t work. Instead, you need to change a few things in your life in order to come back with your ex and make a new start for both you and him/her.

It’s frustrating, and creating some change in your life can be difficult. But it is essential if you want to get your ex back.

Before we get into your 15 key steps to getting back with your ex, go through these signs that signal you will be able to get your ex back.

3 clear signs that you can get back with your ex
get back together with your ex
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Image credit: Shutterstock – by Peter Berni
There are nuances to everything in a relationship, even breakups. Not all relationships are completely irretrievable.

In fact, a breakup may just be what you need to grow into to be a better fit for each other.

So, how do you know if your relationship is worth a second chance?

If, even after all that time and space, you still have feelings for each other, consider sitting down with them to discuss how your relationship can move forward.

However, your feelings alone shouldn’t determine whether you should get back together with your ex.

In order to nurture a real, healthy relationship, both parties need to offer stability, respect, openness and kindness; love alone will not help a relationship survive a second time.

Some exes have a better chance of reconnecting than others. Here are some situations in which getting back together is not a problem

  1. you are still compatible
    It’s rare to meet someone who is so compatible and comfortable with you.

If during the course of your dating life you realise that no one can compare to your ex and that you still have the spark you had together, take it as a sign that you and this person have something truly special.

  1. you didn’t break up because of cheating, violence or incompatible core values.
    Relationships that end because of physical and emotional abuse, cheating and differences in core values are rarely salvageable because they break down trust, respect and the solid foundation necessary for any healthy relationship.

But if your reasons for breaking up don’t include these things, there’s a chance you can patch things up and try again.

  1. You broke up because of circumstances
    Maybe you broke up because he needed to move to another state for work. Maybe you weren’t meant to be in a serious relationship.

Whatever the reason, an ex who breaks up because of circumstances has the strongest chance of rekindling the passion, precisely because there are always ways to improve your timing if the breakup was due to circumstances rather than personal differences.

Other reasons may not be as straightforward, but they may still make perfect sense. These reasons include

You understand what went wrong Sometimes relationships can go so wrong that there’s nothing you can do about it.

But if you start to see your mistakes in hindsight and find the willingness to improve who you are to compliment your partner, you both may have a fighting chance to save the relationship.

Your problems are fixable.

Not all problems in a relationship are completely unsalvageable.

For example, most communication problems can be avoided by setting some ground rules and taking the other person’s feelings into account. If your problems stem from things that can be fixed, know that you can still fight to salvage the relationship.

You feel awful when you’re not together.

It’s completely normal to feel like a part of you is missing after a breakup.

However, if you still feel this way after giving yourself time to heal, maybe it’s more of an indication that you still have feelings for the other person.

You want to compromise.

It’s one thing to know you were wrong, it’s another thing to want to make amends.

If you or your ex get to a point where you are both willing to sit down, compromise and make things work out, this is definitely a good sign that the relationship has a fighting chance.

You are now in agreement on things. Different goals and outlooks on life can get in the way, especially if you’re already trying to settle down, build a life with someone, and start a family.

With time and experience, there will be room for both of you to grow and learn from different people. Time may be all you need just to get on the same page.

Well, now that we’ve figured out that you can get back with your ex, here are the key steps

15 steps to getting your ex back

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  1. Find out if they still care about you
    Before going through these key steps to get back with your ex, you need to find out if they still care about you.

This really is key.

Although the relationship is over, the chances are pretty high that your ex has a soft spot in their heart just for you.

If they do, it will be much easier for you to get them back.

In fact, that space you occupy in their heart will be your strongest ally in your efforts to get your ex back.

However, if you find that your ex has stopped caring about you and has made it clear that they don’t want you in their life, it’s better to stop now than to let your efforts go to waste.

In fact, if that’s the case, you’re probably better off without them.

You have a few options for finding out if your ex cares about you. You may already know the answer deep down. Or you could ask a mutual friend for their opinion.

Finding out the answer to your question is crucial. Once you know, then move on to step two.

  1. Give them space
    Now that you have concluded that your ex cares about you, you need to move on to this step immediately.

Step two is the most important step, but unfortunately also the most difficult.

Here it is.

Don’t do anything!

Take your time and give your ex some space. This is absolutely essential.

There are several reasons for this.

Firstly, you need to take some time to reflect on yourself and the things that have gone wrong in the relationship. To do this, it’s important to move from worrying about things to simply reflecting on how good or bad the relationship was.

It’s too easy to fall into worry mode if you’re going to see your ex soon.

Secondly, by giving your ex space, you are also giving him or her time to reflect as well.

It may seem like your ex will move on once he or she has had some space. This is a risk you have to take.

I know it may seem difficult and counter-intuitive to give your ex space, but leaving them alone is one of the best ways to really get them back in your life.

However, you have to do it in a very specific way. You don’t want to simply cut off all communication. You have to talk to your ex’s subconscious mind and make it seem like you really, really don’t want to talk to them right now.

Pro Tip.

Send this “no communication” text

  • “You’re right. It’s best if we don’t talk right now, but I hope to eventually become friends.” –

This one needs to be sent to your ex at the right time to be really effective.

But why I like it is because you’re communicating to them that you really don’t need to talk anymore. In essence, you’re saying that you really don’t need them to play any role in your life anymore.

Why is this good?

You’re inducing a ‘fear of loss’ in your ex, which will trigger their attraction to you again.

I learned about this text from Brad Browning, who has helped thousands of men and women get their exes back. There’s a reason he’s nicknamed “The Relationship Geek”.

In this free video, he will show you exactly what you can do to make your ex want you again.

No matter what your situation is – or how bad you’ve been since the two of you broke up – he’ll give you some useful tips that you can apply immediately.

Here’s the link to his free video again. If you really want your ex back, this video will help you do just that.

  1. Don’t give in to what your ex wants.
    Okay, so you’ve figured out that your ex still cares about you and you’ve managed to give them space and stop contacting them.

Soon, there is a good chance that your ex will reach out to you.

This is likely to happen, and when it does, your ex will want to talk about what they feel they need more from your relationship.

If your ex happens to contact you, don’t let your emotions get the better of you, give them what they want and tell them you’ll do anything to make them stay.

Don’t ever. Do. Do this.

Begging or pandering to someone’s needs can make you look very unattractive. You may think it’s helping you win your ex back, but chances are they’ll lose interest again soon.

Maintain your dignity and know your worth.

If you give them what they want, your ex will think they can control you. A manipulative partner is the last thing you want.

Avoid this by being firm in your decision and showing them your true strengths.

  1. Don’t give too much away emotionally
    By showing your strong side and having clear boundaries, you are showing your ex a new and stronger side of who you really are.

This is attractive and it can lead to starting to spend more time with your ex.

When this happens, you need to avoid showing too much affection.

Showing too much affection through long messages, constant phone calls and other sticky gestures can also make you look desperate.

Avoid these things and let your ex make the first move.

Don’t act like a love-sick puppy; instead, make your ex wonder what you’re up to.

Without your constant nagging, they may soon find themselves missing your cheerful presence.

Soon enough, curiosity will get the better of your ex and, you’ll be one step closer to getting them back.

  1. Reflect on the relationship
    If you want to get your ex back, you need to reflect on your relationship.

What went right? What went wrong? And most importantly, how can you show your ex that things will be better the second time around?

Because you can’t repeat the mistakes of the past.

For women, I think it’s necessary to take some time to reflect on what really motivates men in relationships.

Because men see the world differently than you do and are motivated differently when it comes to love.

Men have an inherent desire for something ‘greater’ that goes beyond love or sex. This is why men who seem to have the ‘perfect girlfriend’ remain unhappy and find themselves constantly searching for something else – or worst of all, someone else.

Simply put, men have a biological drive to feel wanted, to feel important and to provide for the women he cares about.

Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the hero instinct. He has created an excellent free video to explain this concept.

Click here to watch the video.

As James argues, male desire is not complicated, it’s just misunderstood. Instincts are a powerful driver of human behaviour, and this is especially true for how men approach their relationships.

How do you trigger this instinct in him? How do you give him a sense of meaning and purpose?

You don’t have to pretend to be anything you’re not or play the ‘damsel in distress’. You don’t have to downplay your strength or independence in any way, shape or form.

In an authentic way, you just need to show your man what you need and give him permission to step up and meet it.

In his video, James Bauer outlines several things you can do. He reveals phrases, texts and little requests that you can use right now to make him feel more important to you.

Here’s the link to the video again.

By triggering this very natural male instinct, you will not only put his confidence into overdrive, but you will help you get back together – forever.

  1. Elevate yourself
    You’ve shown your boundaries, given your ex space and started spending more time with him and her.

You have started to create some changes in your own life and become such a strong person.

Well done!

Here is the next step.

You need to continue to focus on improving yourself.

Changing yourself for the better is an effective way to show your positive side.

Just make sure to change, not for the sake of your ex, but mainly for your own sake.

Improving other areas of your life, such as your appearance, attitude and mindset, will help you in the long run.

Try getting a new haircut, a new style and changing your negative traits.

Work on yourself and be the best you can be.

Let the pain you feel when breaking up and losing someone you have such strong feelings for become the motivation to make yourself better.

There is nothing more attractive than being with someone who can take control of your life.

Related Links How to love yourself. 15 steps to believe in yourself again

  1. Do some physical activity
    This works on two levels: whenever you engage in some physical activity (going to the gym, running, hiking), you’re giving your body endorphins that make you feel good.

These hormones act as a pick-me-up and can soften the blow of a break-up. Exercise allows you to channel your energy into something other than the breakup.

Another benefit is obviously getting in better shape.

Transforming your body into a better version of yourself is not only physically attractive – a good body shows discipline and control, two qualities your ex may find you lacking.

By taking the time to exercise and get into better shape, you’ll eventually show your ex that you’re capable of taking care of yourself, and by extension, them.

  1. Be happy with your life now.
    It can be difficult – if not impossible – to be happy while wanting your ex back.

But now there are some easy ways to be happy.

Take a look at the video I’ve created below and you can actually start being happy right away. It’s a different way of looking at how to be happy.

This may sound a bit strange, but the first thing you need to do is stop trying to be happy!

Then you need to find the feelings you deeply desire to have and make a list of the things in your life that are already giving you those feelings.

You are doing something very powerful. You are beginning to see that you have the power to make yourself happy.

The key point is to stop relying on your ex to be happy. You’re using the space you got from your ex to start learning to generate your own happiness.

It’s a super hard thing to do, but the benefits are huge. Watch the video above and work on it!

You’ll find that when you start spending time with your ex again, you’ll be a completely different person. You won’t be dependent on them for your happiness.

If you want a foolproof plan to get your ex back, check out our new free eBook – The Ex Boyfriend Handbook. Grab your free copy here.

Your ex will feel the difference.

Related links. 17 ways to get your ex back (that never fail)

  1. Work on your personality
    The next time you see your ex, you actually want them to see that you’ve developed into a better person. It’s not about changing who you are, it’s about improving and adding to your personality.

Think of it this way: your ex broke up with you. Whatever the reason for this, it is rooted in what you can currently offer the relationship.

Maybe your ex feels that you are irresponsible or that you have nothing to offer as a partner. Either way, they feel there are some areas you can definitely improve on.

This is why it’s important to start developing your personality. Being in a relationship with someone for so long can change who you are as a person – and not always for the better.

Now is the time to rediscover who you are and embrace hobbies and studies that will make you more interesting.

Now that you finally have time, do all the things you said you would do when you were in love.

Go on that solo backpacking trip. Start learning a new language. Take up a new hobby. Even if it’s as simple as reading an interesting book.

The key is to add something to your life that stimulates the spirit. Interesting people attract other interesting people.

Your drive to become a better person will certainly make your ex think twice about dumping you.

  1. Spend time with others
    If you’re still not getting anywhere with your ‘get your ex back’ mission, try spending time with other people.

You don’t necessarily need to date them. However, you can spend time with them and let your ex see this.

This may trigger a bit of jealousy in your crush’s system and he or she may end up wanting your attention back for themselves.

Jealousy is a powerful thing; use it to your advantage. But use it wisely.

If you’re feeling a little adventurous, try this “jealous” text.

  • “I think it’s a great idea that we’ve decided to start dating other people. I really just want to be friends now!” –

By saying this, you’re telling your ex that you’re now dating someone else… … Which in turn will make them jealous.

And that’s a good thing.

You’re communicating to your ex that you’re actually wanted by someone else. We’re all attracted to people that other people want. When you say you’ve been around dating, you’re almost saying “It’s your loss!” .

After sending that text, they will start to be attracted to you again because of the “fear of loss” I mentioned earlier.

Here’s another text I learned from Brad Browning, who is my favourite “get your ex back” online coach.

Here is a link to his free online video. He gives many useful tips that you can apply immediately to get your ex back.

  1. Reconnecting with friends
    Let’s face it: there’s only so much self-improvement can do. At the end of the day, you still feel lonely now that your partner has left your life. This is perfectly normal.

But instead of calling them up and asking them to hang out, turn your attention to the person you were actually with in the past.

Most people who enter a relationship dissolve into it completely and they start to forget about their friends.

If this is you, take a step back and reconnect with the old platonic relationship. You are feeling vulnerable and need companionship – that’s where your friend comes in.

You may not be able to share the same intimacy with your friends, but they can help ease you back into single life and provide the companionship you need to start feeling better about yourself again.

  1. Don’t force it
    You’ve done everything and become a better person – now what?

The last thing you should do is contact your ex and beg them to come back. It’s tempting to go online and show them how amazing your life is, but this thinly veiled attempt at manipulation won’t work.

Always remember that your ex broke up with you for a reason. Whether they want to come back to you or not is entirely up to them.

Even with all this self-improvement effort, there is really no guarantee that you will win them over.

However, what you do end up with is the assurance that you can live and thrive in the reality that you are no longer in a relationship.

Even if it doesn’t work out with them, you are preparing yourself for other people who may come into your life.

Without realising it, you have put in the time and effort to become a better person – which is infinitely better than being in a relationship.

  1. Ask yourself if your ex is worth it
    If you and your ex do get back together one day, you may find that he/she is not worth it and you may feel frustrated.

Don’t let your efforts become useless.

Ask yourself, “Do I really want to get back together with this person?”

If so, then keep trying and work on getting them back.

But if not, it may be time for you to move on and get on with your life.

The steps you take here are really powerful and they lead you to start making real changes in your life.

Inevitably, this change brings a different perspective.

If you start to find that your ex isn’t worth it, don’t question it too much. Continue to have fun and spend time with other people.

Start adopting the view that your ex now needs to go through these steps to win you back.

Now you’re really acting as if you’re worthy. Because you might as well do that.

RELATED He doesn’t really want a perfect girlfriend. He wants these 3 things from you, not ……

  1. Talk to them
    This step definitely comes after going through the 9 steps above.

How you’re living your life, you’re happy with yourself and you’re starting to create some serious changes in your life, it’s time to talk to your ex.

Let them know how you really feel deep down inside. Share your feelings with them. Let them know what they mean in your life.

They can either.

A. tell you that they still love you too and that they want to get back together with you.

B. Tell you that they don’t love you anymore and that it’s not going to happen.

If it’s the former, then congratulations! You’ve just won your ex back! And importantly, the relationship may be different this time.

But if it’s the latter, congratulations anyway! You’re one step closer to finding the one person who will appreciate you.

No matter what happens, you are ready for this moment. You are a stronger person for what you’ve been through.

  1. Accept the situation
    You have followed these steps. You’re stronger and you’re either going back to your ex or moving on with your life.

No matter what happens, accepting the situation is super powerful.

No matter what happens, thank this incredible person. They have been the driving force behind your growth.

Use this experience to make yourself better and avoid making the same mistakes twice, both in the relationship and in your new life.

Start another chapter of your life with a stronger heart and a braver soul.

You are a very special, unique and incredible person. Start treating yourself that way.

So you want your ex boyfriend back …… But should you?
The main reasons for divorce
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It might seem like the most obvious thing in the world right now: you were happy with your ex and now you’re miserable without them.

Your brain starts to convince itself with lines like, “The bad times weren’t so bad!” , as well as, “If we try harder, we can always make it better!”

For some people, this may be true. After all, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship.

Love is something you work for, and arguments, fights and compromises come with it, a packaged deal.

Only those who actually make it through the bumps will find themselves living happily ever after (even if there are a few hiccups along the way). So how do you know if your break-up with your ex is something that had to happen, or something that needs to be reversed immediately?

Remember why you broke up
The first thing you need to remember is exactly why you and your ex broke up, and there are two parts to this: who made you break up, and why they did it.

Let’s start with who.

Was it you? If you were the one who started the breakup, then you find yourself in a privileged position. Your ex may have been missing you from day one and they may be back with you in the snap of a finger. But you have to ask yourself: if you let the break-up happen and now you want to reverse the decision, how much control do you have over your feelings and are you being fair to your ex? All relationships should add value to your life at all times, not just when you find them convenient.
Are they? For those of you who have been broken up with, you find yourself in a more difficult position when it comes to getting your ex back. Did you do something irreversible (cheat, lie or steal from your ex) and break their heart in a way they can’t forgive? Or has your ex acted rashly and broken up with you without much reason? Either way, you must remember: you can’t force someone to feel something they don’t want. If your ex breaks up with you, you’re staring at an uphill climb to win them over again. This may be difficult, but it is not impossible.
Is it mutual? Mutual breakups are always heavy and are usually the result of both parties falling out of love after a slow and tedious period of heartbreak, attempts to mend the relationship and failure. But the beauty of a mutual break up is that these can be repaired after time if both parties are willing to try again. You just want to make sure you’ve given your relationship and break-up enough time to mature and develop, giving both parties a chance to think about it rationally – whether they want to try the relationship again or eventually move on with their lives.
Having understood who, you must think about why. Here are the top 10 reasons why people break up

Cheating
Not being supportive
Not giving enough affection or attention
Stealing
Failure to communicate
Giving up
Lying
Toxic
Misguided anger
General bad behaviour
Ask yourself: which of the above led to the break-up between you and your ex, and who hurt whom?

If you were the one who wronged your ex, did you make a real effort to change your behaviour?

Have you given your ex time to heal and assess whether they really want to try again? Have you fully acknowledged your past behaviour and tried to make amends in any way you can?

If you are the one who was wronged by your ex, are you ready to forgive and give a second chance, or will you continue to hold on to old pain after you and your ex get back together?

Are you ready to move forward with your ex and try to build something new and give them a fair chance to redeem themselves, or are you going to let them hang on with the guilt for the rest of the relationship?

Whether you are the victim or the perpetrator of the bad behaviour that led to the break-up, both parties need to be mature.

In many cases, victims believe that it is enough to give the perpetrator a second chance, but it takes both parties to make a relationship really work.

Do you really want to get your ex back or do you feel alone?
The immediate aftermath of a breakup can feel like the best thing in the world or the worst thing in the world, depending on who ended the relationship.

But no matter how you feel on the day of the break-up, time can always turn your feelings upside down until you feel the exact opposite.

In short, you may not miss your ex the day after a breakup, but just a few days or weeks later, you may be thinking about them again every waking moment.

But do you really want your ex back, or do you just want to get the feeling of being in love again?

Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University, believes that “romantic love is an addiction”. Our brains have an “ancient brain pathway that evolved millions of years ago …… for romantic love. The brain system evolved to keep your energy focused on one person and to begin the mating process.”

Fisher’s research into the evolutionary background of relationships and romantic love found that love is a harmful addiction for the brain, and that the experience of being rejected by a romantic relationship is strong enough to distort one’s reality, similar to what one experiences when dealing with a drug addiction.

The longer you stay in a relationship that simply doesn’t work – maybe your personalities aren’t compatible, or you don’t have the same goals, or you’re not at the same stage of life – the more you deprive yourself of the opportunity to move on and find a relationship that really works for you.

That’s why it’s important to understand whether you really miss your ex or just the feeling of being in a relationship.

If you miss them, do you miss them as a romantic partner, or just as people and friends?

Don’t continue to date someone just because you made a good friend, because even the best friends can be the worst romantic partners.

Can you be friends with your ex? Signs you can’t make it work
When you want your ex back in your life, but you’re not sure you want to continue a romantic relationship with them, then you might want to consider evolving your relationship into a platonic friendship.

Here’s the thing: while you may have been great as a couple, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be great friends.

Some people simply don’t work that way, and the pain of previous relationships will always leave a red mark on your attempts to become friends.

While it may work for some people, it doesn’t work for everyone.

Here are some signs that you may not be able to become friends with your ex

  1. there are still some unresolved feelings.

One of the main problems with exes is that there is usually a lot of unresolved baggage left in the relationship.

You either leave and never deal with this baggage or try to become friends and force yourselves to talk about all the unwanted elephants in the room.

The baggage will always keep you from having normal, friendly contact with your ex.

  1. you can’t stand the idea of your ex being with someone else.

If you become friends with your ex, you have to accept the fact that they will eventually find someone else to call “baby”.

If this bothers you, then you may not be mentally ready to continue to have them around you, otherwise it will only feel like torture.

  1. you end up just being lonely.

As we talked about above, loneliness shouldn’t be the reason you contact your ex. There are other options, for friends and partners.

Don’t keep going back to the same place you once clawed and punched.

  1. you still think your ex will change into the person you want them to be.

If part of you is still expecting your ex to change, then you haven’t fully moved on from the relationship.

It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to your ex. At some point, you have to accept that – you are just different people.

  1. you are stalking your ex, physically or digitally. You may be trying to go to their old haunts, asking your mutual friends for updates about them, or checking their social media pages to see what’s going on in their lives.

If this is you, then becoming their friend probably won’t work.

  1. part of you still wants to be with your ex.

If any part of you still wants to be in a romantic relationship with your ex, then this is a clear red flag that you can’t be friends.

Either get back together and squash the feelings completely, or stop trying to be friends. If one of you still wants what you once had, then there is no middle ground.

This can be a lot to think about, but there is a simple litmus test you can take to determine if you can be friends with your ex, and it is this.

Ask yourself, “Do I think anything of my ex? Would it be weird if it was another friend?” If the answer is yes, then you may not be ready for this friendship because you think you are.

I have a question for you…
Do you really want to get back together with your ex-boyfriend?

If your answer is ‘yes’ then you need a plan of attack to get them back.

Forget about the naysayers who warn you never to get back together with your ex. Or those who say your only option is to move on with your life. If you still love your ex, then getting them back may be the best way to move forward.

The simple fact is that getting back together with your ex can work.

There are 3 things you need to do now that you’ve broken up.

Find out why you broke up.
Become a better version of yourself so you don’t fall back into a broken relationship.
Make a plan of attack to get them back.
If you want some help with #3 (“The Plan”), then Brad Browning’s The Ex Factor is the guide I always recommend. I have read the book cover to cover and I believe it is by far the most effective guide to getting your ex back.

If you want to learn more about his process, check out this free video by Brad Browning.

Get your ex to say, “I made a huge mistake.”
The ex factor isn’t for everyone.

In fact, it’s for a very specific person: a man or woman who has been through a breakup and legitimately believes it was a mistake.

The book details the range of psychological, flirtatious and (some would say) sneaky steps a person can take to get their ex back.

The Ex Factor has one goal: to help you win your ex back.

If you’ve been broken up with and you want to take concrete steps to make your ex think “Hey, that guy was actually amazing and I made a mistake”, then this is the book for you.

That’s the heart of this project: getting your ex to say “I made a huge mistake”.

As for #1 and #2, then you’ll have to do some soul-searching of your own.

What else do you need to know?
Brad’s Browning’s program makes it easy for you to find the most comprehensive and effective guide to getting your ex back online.

As a certified relationship counsellor and with decades of experience working with couples to repair broken relationships, Brad knows what he’s talking about. He offers dozens of unique ideas that I’ve never read anywhere else.

Brad claims that over 90% of relationships can be saved, and while that may sound unreasonably high, I tend to think he’s on the money.

I’ve come across too many Hack Spirit readers who have happily returned to their exes to be a sceptic.

Here’s the link to Brad’s free video again. If you want an almost foolproof plan to actually get your ex back, then Brad will give you one.

Free eBook. 4 Steps to Starting Over with Your Ex

Do you want to get back together with your ex?

Then you need to check out our free eBook, The Ex Recovery Handbook.

We have one goal: to help you win your ex back (for good!) .

If you want a foolproof plan to turn your breakup around, you’ll love this guide.

Check it out here.

I’ve just launched a YouTube channel.
Thank you so much for stopping by Hacker Spirit. I hope you enjoyed reading this article.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like to subscribe to me on YouTube.

I’ve just launched my channel and I’m creating videos based on the articles you read. If you click the subscribe button below, it will mean the world to me. Then you’ll see the videos I’ve posted.

Here’s one of my latest videos. Check it out

Written by Justin Brown
I’m the co-founder of Ideapod, a digital media platform that provides commentary on the ideas that shape our lives. To see my latest work, follow me on Facebook.

Relationships
Divorcing a narcissist: 14 things you need to know
By Lachlan BrownLachlan Brown
April 27th, 2020 at 12:20 am
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I’m sure you’ll agree with me when I say.

Being married to a narcissist can be exhausting.

On the face of it, they are charming and attractive, which is probably why you married them in the first place.

On the other hand, they are incredibly manipulative, self-centred and don’t care about your feelings.

If you’ve been married to a narcissist for a while, there’s no doubt that it will be difficult to divorce them because they’ve made themselves the centre of your universe.

But if they are a narcissist, then divorcing them will be good for your emotional health and your life, so it’s vital that you keep the courage to go through with it.

Here’s everything you need to know about divorcing a narcissist.

Before we get started, what is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a real mental condition. Your soon-to-be ex may be annoying, frustrating, rude, or even egotistical. But if it goes further than that, they may have NPD.

Those with NPD have an inflated view of themselves. They believe that they are, quite literally, a god.

Attention is something they depend on, and worship is equally important.

Because of these tiresome demands, you will often find those with NPD have poor relationships, unstable interactions and a complete lack of empathy.

If it’s not something that concerns them, they are not interested. While these people may sound difficult to get along with, this is not entirely true.

In fact, most narcissists are very attractive.

They bring you in with their confidence, arrogance, good looks and desire.

And for a while, they will even put themselves aside to pursue their partner, convincing them that they are the most important person in the world.

But this will always fall flat. Because the real purpose of pursuing a partner is to have someone in control.

Divorcing a narcissist is not an easy path, as it can take years to figure out that the charming and often delightful person you fell in love with has been weaving a web of lies and manipulation.

So how can you tell if you are dealing with a naturally arrogant person or a true narcissist?

Is your partner a true narcissist? Here are 11 signs
While every narcissist will have their different ways of manipulation, there are some key signs of narcissism that almost everyone can see.

Believing they are better than everyone else
Distorting the world around them to better suit their point of view
Always wanting attention and constant praise
Is entitled and demands privilege
Uses guilt and shame to make others feel uncomfortable
Often gossips about others
Gossip, bully and tear others down to build themselves up
Lies a lot
Tells others they are “crazy” or “can’t remember things
Isolates their partner
Doesn’t care about other people’s passions and hobbies
12 tips you must know to divorce a narcissist
When divorcing a narcissist, it won’t be a cut-and-dried divorce. Most of the time, it will be a struggle, so you need to be prepared.

Thankfully, these tips should help get you on the right path.

  1. Find a professional lawyer
    Because narcissism is not your average mental condition, you need someone who knows how to deal with confronting a narcissist.

This can be really difficult, but there are lawyers out there who have dealt with it.

While any divorce lawyer can help you through a separation, find one who specialises in dealing with narcissists. Once you’ve beaten them, you’ll be glad you did.

  1. they will beg, plead and even try to negotiate.
    Now, if you are the one who chooses to leave, be prepared to negotiate attempts and pleas.

They don’t like it when they don’t get what they want. And if they are still married to you, that means they still want something from you.

That’s why they won’t let go easily.

Most often, they will ‘commit to change’. They will immediately try to do something for you to make you feel good about yourself.

Once it’s clear that you won’t budge, they’ll start threatening you, saying things like “you’re lost without me” or “you’ll never find someone this good”.

Don’t worry, it’s normal. Don’t listen and don’t be manipulated into going back to them. It’s not worth it.

But don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy to leave them forever. According to experts, on average, victims have to leave seven times before they leave for good.

The important thing is that you have the courage to stick it out. In the long run, you will be incredibly grateful.

  1. Don’t try to reason with them
    There’s nothing more frustrating than your soon-to-be ex. But no amount of rationalisation will work on them.

When you come to a narcissist with rational thoughts, they don’t care.

They’re so invested in what’s going on that they’ll completely push back on your point of view.

Save those rational thoughts for the people who care about you – your support team. They know the truth and will support you when you show them the rational side of things.

  1. Break the bonds of trauma
    In any type of narcissistic relationship, there is usually a trauma bond – a connection between the abuser and the victim that is created through a strong shared emotional experience.

In order to leave forever, you have to break this bond.

The reason breaking this bond is difficult is that it has become addictive. You are abused, but when you do something right for your abuser, you are rewarded with a love bomb.

This can really take a toll on your mental health because you experience frequent bouts of stress and sadness when you are abused, but then have a high when you are rewarded for good behaviour.

Victims are often unaware of what is happening as manipulative tactics and intermittent love leave victims in a cycle of self-blame and despair, unable to win back the love of their partner.

According to therapist Shannon Thomas, author of “Healing from Hidden Abuse”, there comes a time when the victim leaves and during the grieving process they begin to come round to the idea that they have been abused.

They finally see the damage that has been done and realise that it is not their fault.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist then you just need to learn to stand up for yourself and break that connection.

Because you do have a choice in the matter.

One resource that I highly recommend to help you do this is this extremely powerful free video by Rudá Iandê.

World renowned shaman Rudá Iandê will teach you a powerful framework that you can start applying today to truly free yourself from the narcissist.

Rudá Iandê is not your typical shaman.

He makes shamanism relevant to modern society and he communicates the teachings of shamanism to people living normal lives. People like me and you.

Warning: The teachings that Ruda shares in his videos are not for everyone. He will not help you escape your fears or hide what is happening in your life.

If you appreciate honest and straightforward advice and want to be honest with yourself and change your life, then this video is for you.

Here is another link to his excellent free video.

  1. Limit your contact with them
    As frustrating as they are, don’t engage with them. In this age of technology, anything can be distorted or edited, so the less contact you have with them, the better.

If you do need to talk to them, go through your lawyer. You can tell your lawyer what you need to say and they can put you in touch.

That way, you stay out of the way and they can’t twist what you did or didn’t say.

In Mind Body Green, Annise Starr has a relationship with a narcissist who decides to see her partner again a few months after they break up. Here’s why that’s a bad idea.

“What shocked me, however, was how easily I flipped back and forth, fetching him this and that, tiptoeing around, padding, rationalising, even lying… you name it, I did. Within the first hour, I lost everything I thought I’d gained in the months since we broke up.”

  1. don’t become emotional
    Every narcissist does the same thing – tries to get a rise out of you. That’s their main goal. Because when you get emotional, you become the person they say you are in court.

Then the judge and witnesses see you become emotional or frustrated, and the narcissist ends up looking rational.

Remember, narcissists are very charismatic and manipulative. They will paint a picture that makes them look good and you look bad.

The less emotional you are throughout the process, the better you will look. You can shout at them in private, just don’t do it when you appear in court.

  1. Record everything
    Because things like voicemails, text messages and emails can be edited, you need to record everything. Keep copies of your emails, voicemails and text messages.

This is time-consuming (and annoying), which is why it’s really best to limit all contact with them. Before you go to trial, make sure you send a copy of any past conversations to your lawyer so they have it to hand.

You will also want to take screenshots of any social media defamatory or bullying behaviour. They can delete these at any time, so take pictures as soon as you see them.

  1. Make a plan
    As you can see, this is not an easy process. Divorcing anyone is difficult, and divorcing a narcissist presents additional problems.

Before you go into the trial, make a plan. Hopefully your plan is to separate all your assets in a reasonable way so that you can move on with your lives.

However, narcissists are not going to be reasonable. For them, it’s all or nothing. They want everything, and they are going to fight for it.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to read our powerful new guide, The Marriage Repair Handbook. It’s 100% free and there are no strings attached. Pick up your copy here.

Stick to your plan. At some point, you may feel like giving up, but it will be worth it in the end. Look at everything you and your spouse have.

Decide what you can give up and what you can’t.

Maybe you want to buy a car, but give up some furniture. Or maybe you keep the house and the other person gets everything else. Each situation will be different, but divide it up and create a few “must haves” with your belongings and forget about the rest.

  1. Create a reliable team
    Divorce is a difficult and gruelling process. You need a reliable team, and that’s not just your legal team.

While a divorce lawyer may be the most important person in court, you need support people. Surround yourself with a team of people who are willing to fight for you.

These people will help watch your children (if you have them), listen to you when you are sad and encourage you when you are depressed.

This could be family, friends, counsellors, or more. Build a reliable team of people you can rely on throughout the process. This is probably the most important thing you do.

  1. if you have children, put them first
    Sometimes, narcissists are extremely abusive to their spouses and children. If this is the case, document everything so that you can prove that you are the best person to have custody of your children.

However, if the abuse is not documented, your children may see the narcissistic partner. Divorce is hard on children, but your constant complaints about your ex-husband are even harder.

This is something you want to keep out of their eyes and ears. Fight for custody, but expect them to have visitation or parenting time with the other partner. When this happens, encourage them to have fun. This will eventually pay off.

  1. Go to counselling
    Narcissism is energy consuming. It can take up a big chunk of your life. There may be a lot of thoughts and feelings that you need to work through over a period of months or more.

Counselling is a great way to help you get through it. When someone has been gaslighting or bullying you for a long time, it can make you question your reality.

You may feel lost or confused. You may have difficulty remembering exactly how certain things happened. Counselling will allow you to regain your lost confidence. It will also help you to develop yourself and be ready for a loving, supportive partner on your next date.

  1. Give yourself a break
    So many people experience pain when they divorce a narcissist. It can be frustrating and you may be angry with yourself for ever marrying them in the first place.

If you’re frustrated, give yourself a break. Narcissists are attractive and it’s hard to see past their facade. You haven’t done anything wrong.

You have to forgive yourself for choosing this person. Once you come out the other end, you will see how refreshing and freeing it can be. Allow yourself to feel every emotion and then, forgive yourself.

  1. remember why you broke up with them
    Now that you have ended the relationship and the marriage, you may feel a little down. It’s a big change.

But those negative emotions you’re feeling may make you question your decision.

You may start to think about all the good times you had with your narcissistic partner. Feelings will come flooding back and regrets will bubble up.

Don’t listen to these feelings. You need to remember that they do not represent the relationship.

For example, you may remember all the ‘compliments’ your partner gave you.

Don’t get me wrong, compliments are usually great – but when narcissists give them, it’s part of a technique called love bombing.

According to Psychology Today, love bombing is “overwhelming someone with signs of adoration and attraction …… a practice designed to manipulate you into spending more time with the bombarder”.

So, to restore your peace of mind, jot down all the reasons why you wanted to break up with your partner in the first place.

Ultimately, this is a decision you did not make lightly. Remember these reasons, because if they are a selfish narcissist, you have probably made a great decision for your future by getting rid of them.

And if the narcissist ends the relationship, make a note of all the negative aspects of the relationship. When you look at the relationship from the outside, there are likely to be many.

For an in-depth look at strategies and techniques to help you get over your ex, check out my latest eBook. The Art of Breaking Up. The Ultimate Guide to Letting Go of Someone You Loved.

  1. It’s time to focus on yourself and how to build a better you.
    It’s time to focus on yourself and recover the meaning of your life. Narcissists are good at making everything about them – so what’s likely to happen is that they’ve been the centre of your universe for a long time. This is a major change.

As humans, we create meaning through our relationships and now you’ve lost a lot of meaning in your life.

But it’s also exciting. You can try a new hobby, or go to a yoga class and meet new people.

Whatever it is, you can expend a lot of energy on new pursuits because you don’t have to worry about a narcissist dragging your life down.

Reconnect with people who make you happy. You see this is a great opportunity to build new meaning and a whole new self in your life without the limitations of a narcissist trying to control you.

Psychologist Dr Guy Winch suggests writing an ’emotional first aid’ list of things you can do to distract yourself when you find yourself thinking about your ex-partner.

You may not see it now, but after you and your partner have been broken up for a while, you will start to look back and realise how toxic and manipulative your partner was.

You’ll almost be relieved and very grateful that you managed to stick it out.

Don’t forget that dating is part of recovery. Get out there and meet new people. You will find that most people are not narcissists and they will genuinely like you for who you are.

Don’t try to find “the one” straight away. Just enjoy meeting new people and making new friends. These people will be the breath of fresh air you need.

While dating an emotionally abusive narcissist may come with many scars, remember that the experience will set you up for good in the future.

You’ve learned a lot about yourself and what kind of partner is better for you. When a narcissist enters your life, you will also be more aware – and you can avoid going through that toxic relationship again.

The stages of divorcing a narcissist with children
There are four stages when divorcing a narcissist. These four stages are

Before the divorce

This is when you file the papers, but haven’t done anything yet. You are probably separated from your ex-husband and you are calling each other out.

At this stage, you can expect a lot of pushback. Every word you say will start an argument.

Know what you want and stick to it. If you want to see the kids 50% of the time, make sure that’s the case. If you want more time, work towards it.

Interim orders

An interim order is when you first go to court. Your divorce will not be finalised, but the judge will give you and the children a temporary order.

Unfortunately, you will need to follow them to the letter. Even if it’s not what you want, you need to abide by them. The last thing you need is a narcissist saying you won’t comply with the order.

Final orders

If you want to change your interim order, you will settle the issue in court. Once the parties have agreed (or the court orders) you will get a final order.

Limited contact

Finally, the last stage is when you should leave and start your new life. Obviously, having children with a narcissist is another level of difficulty. When you do want to make contact with them, it is via email.

You can also ask someone else to be the mediator between the two of you so that you don’t have to speak to each other directly.

Remember that the narcissist will continue to try and get under your skin – no matter how long it has been. Keep this in mind when reading each email and don’t reply until you can read it rationally.

The consequences of divorcing a narcissist
Narcissists are often emotionally abusive to their partners. Once you divorce them, you may feel overwhelmed and uncertain. You may doubt your own abilities, blame yourself and still feel tied to your ex-partner.

Divorcing a narcissist doesn’t end when you sign those final papers. It is something that will continue to stay with you for some time.

Counselling can be invaluable in getting over a narcissist and moving on with your life. A good counsellor will help you to heal and see things as they really are.

Don’t feel bad. Divorce is hard and it can also lead to anxiety or depression. You will feel both relieved to be free from getting away and sad that the relationship is over. Every emotion you feel is valid.

Divorce Quotes with Narcissists
Remember, you are not alone. Millions of people have been in relationships with narcissists and millions of people have successfully cut ties. When dealing with a narcissist, here are some quotes that may be helpful.

“A narcissist will portray themselves as a victim or someone who is innocent in all respects and they will be offended by the truth. But what is done in the dark will be exposed. Time has a way of showing people for who they really are.” – Karla Grimes

“No one can be kinder than the narcissist and you respond to life the way he does.” – Elizabeth Bowen

“A person who only loves others based on how they make them feel or what they do for them is not really loving them at all – but only themselves.” – Criss Jami

“Narcissistic love is a rollercoaster ride of disaster, full of tears.” – Sheree Griffin

“Relationships with narcissists are sustained by the hope that ‘one day it will be better’, but there is little evidence to support that it will come.” – Ramani Durvasula

“A relationship with a narcissist in a nutshell. You’ll go from being the perfect lover in their life to nothing you do is good enough. You will give everything you have and they will take it all away and give you less and less in return. You’ll end up being emotionally, mentally, spiritually and possibly financially drained and then blamed for it.” – Bree Bonchay

In a nutshell
Divorcing a narcissist is hard, but with strength, determination and reason on your side, you can do it. Once you come out the other side, you’ll see how wonderful freedom can be.

Free eBook. The Marriage Repair Handbook

Just because your marriage is in trouble doesn’t mean you have to get a divorce.

The key is to take action now and turn things around before they get worse.

If you want practical strategies to significantly improve your marriage, check out our free eBook here.

Our book has one goal: to help you mend your marriage.

Here’s the link to the free eBook again.

I’ve just launched a YouTube channel.
Thank you so much for stopping by Hacking Spirit. I hope you enjoyed reading this article.

If you enjoyed this post, you might like to subscribe to me on YouTube.

I’ve just launched my channel and I’m creating videos based on the articles you read. If you click the subscribe button below, it will mean the world to me. Then you’ll see the videos I’ve posted.

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Author: Lachlan Brown
I’m Lachlan Brown, founder and editor of Hack Spirit. I enjoy writing practical articles that help others to live mindful and better lives. I have a postgraduate degree in psychology and have been reading and researching all practical approaches to human psychology and the hacker mindset for the past 6 years. If you would like to get in touch with me, please connect with me on Twitter or Facebook.

Relationships
How to tell if a girl likes you by text message: 22 surprising signs
By Lachlan BrownLachlan Brown
April 19, 2020 at 2:27 am
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It’s no secret that it’s hard to figure out if a girl likes your words or not.

I’m a guy and I’ve found this impossible my whole life.

But the truth is.

As you get more experienced in your study of female psychology, it becomes much easier.

Despite what you might think, you don’t need to be incredibly witty or intelligent.

You just need to know how to keep the conversation going.

In this article, I’ll talk about the 22 most important signs to look for to tell if a girl likes you by text.

  1. She starts texting you first
    This one should be fairly obvious.

If she initiates a conversation with you, then you can bet your bottom dollar that she likes you.

This one is even more obvious if she texts you for no reason at all.

For example, if she just texts you asking, “What are you doing?” Or “What did you do today?” then she almost certainly likes you.

We all know that it’s usually the man who initiates the conversation, so if she makes the effort to text you first, then chances are she’s picking up on what you’re putting down.

  1. She texts you a lot
    If she’s been talking to you all night and then she texts you to wish you a good morning, then she likes you.

While this could also mean she’s a bit clingy and needy, it also means she has a crush on you.

She likes to text you and she feels comfortable talking to you. That’s why she does it.

  1. she gives you frequent updates on what she’s doing.
    By the same token, if she texts you often and tells you what she’s doing, chances are she likes you.

After all, she is trying to bring you into her life.

More importantly, she wants you to be familiar with who she is and what she stands for.

Most women know that developing a rapport is the best way to ultimately develop a relationship with a man they like (that’s you, by the way).

  1. she replies immediately.
    Don’t you just hate it when the girl you like barely responds to you? It takes her ages to give you a one word reply.

I’ll be honest, this kind of girl probably doesn’t like you.

But the girl who doesn’t hesitate to respond immediately? Yes, she likes you.

She doesn’t need to think about it. She knows she likes you and doesn’t want to play games.

Remember, some girls will play hard to get when they first start texting you because they don’t want to seem desperate.

But soon, when they become more comfortable, they will start texting you immediately (if they like you, of course).

  1. She makes an effort with her replies
    She doesn’t just give you a one-word answer. She takes the time to answer and will definitely ask follow-up questions to keep the conversation going.

We all know that girls are more talkative than men, so if she likes you, she’ll work on her communication.

She will often ask follow-up questions too. After all, she doesn’t want the guy she likes to have a bland conversation.

On the other hand, if she’s just giving you one-word answers and not really making an effort, chances are she doesn’t like you that much.

  1. She’ll notice when you haven’t texted her recently
    If you haven’t texted her in a while and she asks you why that is, it’s a clear sign that she’s thinking about you and that she values the conversations you usually have with her.

This is one of the most obvious signs. After all, if she is afraid that she will lose contact with you, then it is obvious that this fear comes from her feelings for you.

She sees a potential future with you and doesn’t want to ruin her chances of developing a relationship with you.

She is simply reaching out to make sure you don’t lose interest in her.

  1. She can’t resist using cute and sexy emoticons.
    Before you overthink this sign, you need to get to grips with the way she texts people.

If she doesn’t seem to use a lot of cute and sexy emojis, but she’s always doing it to you, then there’s a good chance she likes you.

After all, it’s almost a form of literal flirting.

Why is that?

Because she wants the conversation to be fun and sexy. And it is her goal to develop a sexual relationship with you (even if she doesn’t explicitly know it). It’s more of a subconscious type of thing.

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  1. She makes fun of you
    Girls experience this all the time. When a guy teases them, they know that the guy is usually into them.

It’s just a way for guys to make communication fun so that girls will like them.

Well, the same thing is true for girls.

If she’s teasing you, she’s trying to elicit an emotional response from you.

It also means that she is comfortable with you and can tease you and have fun with you.

If you start teasing her back, you will see a spike in sexual chemistry between the two of you.

In words, anyway.

  1. She always teases you about everything you say
    When a girl likes a guy, she’ll usually laugh at everything he says. It’s quite natural.

It’s exactly the same in words.

If she says Lol, ROFL, lmao, haha to everything you say, it’s not only a sign that she’s having fun talking to you, it’s also a way that she likes you because you make her laugh.

It’s also a sign that she’s comfortable in talking to you.

  1. Conversations between you two seem effortless
    This is a good sign that there is chemistry and rapport between the two of you. And when there is chemistry and rapport, the more likely she is to like you.

Also, if she likes you, she may make more of an effort in the conversation. She’s asking questions and being chatty because she wants to avoid any awkward silences.

If you like her, you’re probably doing the same thing, which is making the conversation flow nicely.

(If you want to boost your self-confidence and impress any girl, check out our The Badass Way review).

  1. She’s asking personal questions
    Many guys don’t pick up on this sign.

Personal questions don’t mean the normal “getting to know you” questions. It’s a question that goes beyond that.

She is trying to get to know you for who you are. Perhaps these questions may have an emotional bent.

For example, rather than “what do you do”, it might be “what motivates you to do what you do?”

Be careful of questions that you are not quite used to. She will take more time to ask questions and she will tailor her answers to your situation.

Hey, sorry to interrupt, but I’m Lachlan from Hacker Spirit.(article continues below)

I just wanted to tell you about the power of Kate Spring’s new ebook, The Female Mind Control Handbook. Learn how to tap into women’s primal desires (and not be a jerk in the process). It’s 100% free, no strings attached.

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They’ll think more about it, it’s an excellent sign of interest and attraction.

  1. she’s telling you personal things about your life.
    Again, as she becomes comfortable with you, she will reveal more about her personal life.

This is a good sign that she sees you as a person she can trust.

But by the same token, it doesn’t necessarily mean she likes you, although that is a good sign.

If you have been friends with her for a while, then she will undoubtedly reveal more about herself because she feels comfortable with you, rather than because she likes you romantically.

But if you haven’t known her for long and she reveals personal things about her life that most people don’t talk about, then she obviously likes you.

  1. She sends you lines from her favourite movie or song.
    This is a creative way of flirting. While she is letting you know what she is interested in, she is also parting with some of it in an intelligent or humorous way.

In other words, she’s trying to impress you and develop rapport.

This is a clear sign that she likes you and is trying to move the relationship forward.

  1. She sends you flirty and sexy messages.
    Well, this one is self-explanatory, isn’t it?

If she paints a picture of the two of you together that your parents wouldn’t appreciate, then you can bet that she likes you.

For example, if she asks you what it would be like if you two kissed when you met, then it’s obvious that she wants to take things further with you.

  1. She keeps asking you about your personal life and what your plans are for the future.
    If she is asking you what the future will be like, then I can assure you that she likes you and is seeing if a relationship with you is possible.

She is trying to figure out if there are any obstacles to a future relationship with you in her imagination.

Believe me, if she is thinking about what a future with the two of you might look like, then you can be assured that she likes you.

It also means that she wants to get to know you better. She is trying to find out if they are right for each other.

  1. She can’t help but compliment you
    Maybe she’s looking at your Facebook or Instagram photos, or she’s asking about your achievements in life, but whatever it is, she can’t help but compliment you.

If she likes you, she might even make self-deprecating noises about it. For example, she might say, “A successful guy like you would never go for a girl like me.”

This means that she is attracted to you and is worried that she is not good enough for you.

  1. She is trying to find out if you have other lovers or girlfriends.
    This is an obvious sign, but some guys just can’t see it.

Now a girl might not come out and say, “Do you have a girlfriend?” Because it might make her look desperate.

But if she’s poking around to see if you have other girls around, then she probably likes you.

For example, she might ask you, “When you went to your cousin’s wedding last year, who did you go with?”

She is trying to find out if you went with a girl or a girlfriend.

She just wants to know that you are single and single.

Keep an eye out for little things like that. If she wants you to know that she is single, she wants to know your status, that she might like you, and that there might be a future between the two of you.

  1. She can’t help but send you pictures of herself
    This is especially true if she is very confident about her looks.

She will send you gorgeous pictures of herself because she wants to attract you and impress you.

To find out if she likes you, just ask her to send you a photo. If she does, then she likes you.

But if she doesn’t, then that doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t like you, but she may just not be as confident in her appearance.

  1. She wants to step up her face-to-face time with you.
    This is a clear sign that she likes you because she wants to talk to you about having an actual conversation. She is trying to build rapport and make sure the two of you get along well.

This is a good sign that she likes you and wants to move things along!

  1. She’s imitating your slang and writing style
    This is a huge sign that someone likes you. It’s something we all do subconsciously.

The thing to look out for is

  • Is she imitating the slang you use? Is the number of sentences she replies to similar to the ones you use? If she is always trying to agree with you and behaving like you?

If she likes you, she will subconsciously try to behave more like you. This is something that all human beings naturally do with people they like.

  1. It is important to remember that people express interest in different ways
  • If she is a ladies’ man and is very confident, then she will be very forthcoming in saying that she likes you.

She won’t be forthcoming, but text messages will be very direct in presenting you with clues.

If she is the shy or anxious type, then it will be more difficult.

Anxious/avoidant types generally come across as aloof, so it may take more time to build rapport and become more comfortable with them. Once they are comfortable though it should be the same as with an alpha female.

  • Also, remember that most girls will wait for a guy to make the first move.
  1. she asks you out
    Okay, you can’t get more obvious than this, can you?

Even if it’s just a friendly cup of coffee together, it’s a clear sign that she wants to upgrade her relationship with you.

If you like her too, then why not just say yes!

Want her to be your girlfriend?
Let me guess ….

You’re nice to her. You’re willing to do anything for her. And you’ll try to show the best side of your personality.

That’s what I used to do. And I’ve always dealt with women.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being nice to a girl and being good to her. Those are great qualities.

But if that’s all you bring to the table, you’re in big trouble.

As I’ve learned, women don’t choose the man who treats them the best. They choose men who make them feel certain powerful emotions. Specifically, they choose men they are deeply attracted to on a physical level.

It’s not that women like jerks because they’re jerks. They like jerks because those guys are confident and they send the right signals. That signal is something women can’t resist.

The simple fact is that women’s brains respond to certain signals much more sensitively than anything you can say to them. Or no matter how nice you are to them.

What if I told you that you can quickly learn the right signals to give women – and you definitely don’t need to be a jerk in the process?

Check out this free video by Kate Spring. She’ll show you how to boost your natural charm and make flirting come effortlessly to who you are as a man.

Kate is a best-selling author and relationship psychologist. She’s smart, insightful, and makes a lot of sense.

And in that video, she describes the most effective ways I’ve come across to flirt with women in the right way.

Check out the link to the video again below.

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However, what’s more important is how you present yourself to them. Because no matter how good you look, or how rich you are… …

… If you are short, fat, bald, or stupid.

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If you want to know exactly what they are, check out Kate Spring’s free ebook here.

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Living wisely, relationships
Love Bombing: 15 Ways Narcissists Control You.
By Lachlan BrownLachlan Brown
April 4, 2020, 3:54 am
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Love bombing is the secret weapon of the narcissist.

In this article we will discuss everything about this subtle yet dangerous manipulation tactic – what is love bombing, what are the signs of a love bomber and what you can do about it.

What exactly is love bombing?

In its simplest terms, love bombing is a romantic manipulation tactic.

It is most often used by toxic and narcissistic people who have had the experience of seeing love bombing first hand (from parents or other relationships in their lives).

Love bombing is the manipulation of the victim in a romantic relationship through extravagant displays of affection at the beginning of the relationship.

The intention of love bombing is to make them feel helpless and vulnerable to the manipulator.

In other words, the victim is ‘bombarded’ relentlessly at the beginning of the relationship, making them believe that they must go along with the intense commitment of the relationship, which becomes an impossible pursuit.

This leaves the victim feeling deeply indebted to their so-called romantic partner and thus vulnerable to any demands their partner makes of them.

What is the purpose of a love bomb?
A love bomb is an action designed to gain your love and trust. It could be flattery, compliments, romance or a promise of the future.

Once they have your trust, they will control you. The narcissist will manipulate you to get what they want.

They will shape your role in the relationship and see you as a supporting character to the hero (them, of course).

If your focus is not 100% on the love bombing narcissist, they will get angry. They won’t be able to understand that you have other things going on in your life.

But the bottom line is this.

The narcissist will struggle to maintain a mutually beneficial relationship.

In other words, the relationship will only benefit them, and over time you will be left in the dark to heal your emotional wounds.

Now here’s the main problem.

It can be really hard to figure out when it happens to you.

After all, not everyone who is romantic and sweet is a narcissist.

So how do you distinguish between true expressions of love and the actions of a love-bombing narcissist?

15 tell-tale signs of love bombing

Image credit: Shutterstock – By View Apart
If you’re not sure if you’re a victim of love bombing, here are fifteen tell-tale signs of love bombing.

While individual signs don’t necessarily mean your romantic partner is a love-bombing machine, most of the signs together should send up red flags for you.

  1. ‘I love you’ comes easy to them
    All relationships have their own pace, so saying “I love you” early on is not necessarily a bad sign. But a mature partner understands that love is something you should think about before you say it.

If your partner wants to skip the natural process of falling in love, then they may be a love bomber, or they may just be a hopeless romantic.

What can you do?

When it comes to falling head over heels in love with someone, the magic seems real, but the reality is very different.

If someone suddenly enters your life and you find yourself taken by them, you will rightly question the legitimacy of the relationship and your partner’s motives.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t trust a relationship, but you should be wary of any relationship that seems to come out of nowhere and answer all your prayers.

This could be too good to be true, it could be that the person really wants to make you swoon so they can manipulate you later.

You will find that as time passes their demeanour changes and they seem to need to get something out of you rather than make you feel special.

This is the beginning of the end of these narcissistic relationships.

Keep your wits about you and recognise when things are moving too fast.

Remember that true love grows slowly and moving fast is not what it’s cracked up to be. It is only by moving slowly that a fulfilling and intimate relationship can develop.

In other words.

Take your time, respect yourself and love yourself… … Don’t fall in love too quickly with someone who is desperate to impress you.

  1. They always say the right thing
    Love bombers have a lot of experience manoeuvring, so they know how to push the right buttons at the right time.

You feel like they always know what to say at the right moment to make you fall deeper in love with them, so much so that it feels a little unbelievable.

  1. Too good to feel real.
    No relationship is perfect. But for some reason, your relationship with your love bomber is flawless in every way.

They make you feel amazing, special, and loved at all times, especially at the beginning of the relationship. It doesn’t feel right and you suspect something else might be going on.

  1. they are incredibly fast
    As well as saying “I love you” incredibly early in the relationship, they want to approach other relationship milestones at lightning speed.

Things like meeting parents, travelling to another country, moving in together – relationship milestones that usually take months or even years to build up, love bombers want to do in days or weeks.

  1. They live by grand gestures
    It feels like you and your love bomber will never be able to just go on a normal date. Almost every time you see them, there’s some new surprise.

Once-in-a-lifetime experiences like a hot air balloon ride, a plane ticket to Paris, or writing a song or poem for you – these are all normal events in your relationship with them.

  1. The compliments are endless
    You are beautiful, smart, amazing, hilarious, sexy, incredible, unbelievable, absolutely gorgeous, and so much more.

While compliments at every turn are never a bad thing, love bombers can drown their victims in compliments to the point where no one else’s compliments mean anything anymore.

In short, love bombing is about abundance. It’s about making someone feel overwhelmed by your affection and giving them enough time to move from one sign of affection to the next without ever really dealing with it.

Some readers may ask, “Why is all of this wrong?” You may see love bombing as a partner simply being overly affectionate, and some people do like to be pampered and treated like a queen.

But the truth is that the good part of love bombing only happens in the beginning, when the love bombers try to win over their victims. Once they get what they want, the love suddenly disappears.

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  1. They act like your saviour when you’re in a bad situation
    When you’re in a bad situation, the narcissist’s eyes light up.

Finally, it’s their chance to gain control.

They will make it seem like they are the hero and without them, you are screwed. They will often remind you of this in subtle ways.

Here’s what you need to look out for.

The main difference between someone who genuinely wants to help you and a narcissist is A genuine person will not make a big deal out of helping you.

They are focused on helping you and won’t need to gain anything from it. They are not looking for a reaction from you.

A narcissist, on the other hand, is just the opposite.

A narcissist will expect praise from you while helping you. They will tell you that what they are doing is kind and helpful.

What can you do?

Pay attention to their reaction when they help you. Narcissists will tell everything about how helpful and kind they are, even if the problem is related to you.

RELATED Heroic instinct: How do you trigger it in your man?

  1. They want you to think they’re the best person you’ve ever dated.
    Love bombing is all about getting you hooked on them. They want you to worship them so that they can finally manipulate you into getting what they want.

They want to make you think you can’t do better.

So what does a narcissist do?

They will ask questions about your former lover. They will most likely insult them and try to make them look like losers.

After all, they are trying to compare themselves and show that they are better. They want you to realise how lucky you are to be dating them.

That’s what they’re doing.

They are just lowering your self-worth and making you feel that you are lucky to be with them.

What can you do?

If they drop subtle hints that they’re great or that they’re so much better than anyone you’ve dated before, then call them out for how self-centred and lame they are.

Watch out for attempts to lower your self-worth. They may put you in a bag and put you down. Let them know why they are wrong and get out!

Don’t fall for these selfish and self-serving tricks. Love and respect yourself and don’t let the narcissist lower your self-worth.

(To learn how to become mentally tough in the face of toxic and narcissistic people, check out Hack Spirit’s ebook. The Art of Resilience: A Practical Guide to Developing Mental Toughness).

  1. they keep asking you about the crap in your life.
    Narcissists will do this for a couple of reasons.

1) They want to provide you with solutions so it looks like they are the hero (as mentioned above).

2) They want to lower your self-worth so you’ll worship them and think how great they are.

3) They want to have ammunition for when they abuse you later in the relationship.

What can you do about it?

If they keep bringing up shit from your past, be careful.

A genuine person will be happy to talk about it, but they won’t always bring it up. There is a time and place for these discussions.

Beware of it and be suspicious of people who bring up tough times in your life regularly. Let them know it’s weird and if they don’t stop, you’ll be driven away.

  1. they’re not direct, they backtrack from what they initially said
    Bomb-loving narcissists care about how they look and they will want to impress you.

But here’s the real kicker.

It means they’ll say one thing and then when they see that you’re not responding very well they’ll change what they’re saying.

They suddenly realise that it makes them look bad.

At first, you won’t think much of it. But if this happens continuously, then you can’t trust what they say.

They are more concerned with how they appear to you than with being themselves.

Narcissists don’t care about being genuine or authentic.

They want to look like the perfect partner so they can eventually manipulate you.

So, here’s what you need to remember.

The original statement they make shows who they are.

  1. they always give you gifts
    Don’t get me wrong gifts aren’t exactly a bad thing. But when they do it repeatedly, they are trying to buy your love.

That’s not true.

The real reason they do this is that they want you to feel that you ‘owe’ them, which is the perfect scenario for a narcissist.

It’s an easy way to buy your love, so you fall into the trap of trusting them.

What can you do?

It’s wonderful when someone gives you gifts and acts of kindness, but when those gifts have expectations attached to them, the affection disappears and the creepiness sets in.

If your new love is trying to get you to ‘owe’ them for the kind of things they do for you, that kind of defeats the purpose of doing something nice, doesn’t it?

And it probably won’t be a problem at first, because that’s how these narcissists operate: they want you to feel showered with love so they can make you feel guilty about not reciprocating.

It’s a slippery slope that you may not notice right away, but trust us, there’s a catch.

Anyone who offers you gifts and attention “just because” is to be suspected of having ulterior motives.

This doesn’t mean that everyone will turn out to be a loose cannon, but chances are this person is looking for something beyond a roll of the dice in return.

  1. The affection you get will be superficial.
    Love bombing is superficial by nature, so it makes sense that the affection they give you is superficial too.

At the end of the day, love bombing is just a way to get you to commit to them.

What can you do?

Pay attention when they mention that some aspect of your behaviour or personality is untrue.

Or if they say things like “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met” after only two dates.

  1. They treat other people like crap
    This is one of the golden nuggets of identifying a narcissist that many people overlook.

If they are a narcissist, they will treat others like crap, especially those who are “lower” than them.

Remember, this is fairly easy to spot.

It is very easy to notice, so be aware of how they treat others.

For example, are they rude to the waiter when you go to the cafe together?

If this becomes a pattern, then they are a toxic character and you need to stay away.

  1. something just isn’t right
    Get a weird vibe from them? Like there’s something wrong with them? Do they not take the hint when you reject their advances? Are they complimenting you for things that aren’t true?

As we mentioned above, love bombing is superficial. And when something isn’t true, it just doesn’t feel right.

What can you do about it?

The truth is, when something doesn’t feel right to you, it usually isn’t. So trust your gut and walk away.

You may think you want someone to do everything you say, or you may even dream of someone who looks to you for everything, but when you see that relationship in reality, it looks very different to what you thought it would be.

What may start out as romanticism can quickly turn into discomfort and possible stalking.

A romantic gesture such as sending flowers to your office on a Wednesday is wonderful, but calling three times to find out if you got them, what you think of them and to see what your colleagues think of these gestures is weird. Just weird.

Setting boundaries can help with this, but only if you see it as a problem and not just an overly enthusiastic partner.

  1. you are going through a never-ending cycle of emotions.
    Is nothing feeling stable in the relationship?

One moment you feel great, then the next you feel like a terrible person.

That’s what narcissists do. They are skilled manipulators. They’ll compliment you and make you feel like an amazing person. Then they will put you down, abuse you and make you feel like the worst person in the world.

What can you do? If you find yourself experiencing ups and downs like never before, then you need to recognise that this is psychological abuse.

The healthiest relationships are the ones that are stable.

To protect yourself, you need to love yourself

Narcissists will try to bring you down. They will outwardly love you; then they will abuse you and take away what they want.

But if you respect yourself and are aware of your intrinsic value, then they cannot control you and manipulate you.

Keep your wits about you and stay strong. And find out if deep down you really love them.

Now, if you’re stuck dealing with narcissistic love bombers, you may be wondering how to deal with them. Below I’ll discuss how to avoid being a target and what you can do if it happens to you.

Stop, look and listen. How to avoid being a target
So how can you avoid being love bombed?

It is impossible to predict who might fall victim to a love bomb, different love bombs like different personalities, some target women with high confidence and extroverted traits for an extra challenge, while others prefer women who are relatively more manipulative.

If you feel that you may be in a love bomb relationship, whether you are just starting out or are deeply involved, try taking the following steps to analyse the situation.

1) Understand your own self-worth
This advice will seem obvious and old-fashioned. But it will still be very valuable.

In order to protect yourself from being bombarded by love, you must focus on the most important relationship of your life – the one you have with yourself.

However, it’s not easy to know your own self-worth these days. From a very young age, we are conditioned to think that happiness comes from the outside.

It is only when we find a ‘perfect person’ with whom to relate that we can find self-worth, security and happiness.

I think this is a life-destroying myth.

Not only does it create many unhappy relationships, but it poisons you to live a life without optimism and personal independence.

I learnt this from watching an excellent free video by world renowned shaman Rudá Iandê.

Now, I am not typically someone who would seek shamanic advice. But Rudá Iandê is not your typical shaman.

Rudá makes shamanism relevant to modern society Explaining and communicating shamanism to people like you and me

People who live normal lives

If what I have said above resonates with you, please go here to view his free video.

This is a wonderful resource to help you when a narcissist is trying to manipulate your love.

2) Take your time
The most obvious sign of a love bomber is their absolute refusal to let their victims dictate the pace.

A passionate boyfriend or lover may display some of the same overwhelmingly positive behaviour as a love bomber, but the key difference is that if you put your foot down, the innocent party will understand and apologise, whereas a love bomber will make you feel guilty and ashamed.

3) Read between the lines
Listen carefully to every word they say. One of the most telling signs of a love bomber is exaggeration.

Trust your instincts – do you ever get the impression that they are just full of hot air? Do you feel like their compliments are meant to distract you from other things? Do they never act like a normal person with their own opinions, ideas and needs?

4) Introduce your friends
The love bomber works by altering your reality, firstly through subtle manipulation and secondly by isolating you from your social circle.

So test him – is he willing to meet your friends and is he really friends with them himself? Or does he come across as shy and reserved around your friends, even when the subject of your friends comes up, and he comes across as toxic?

Let him know that your friends and family are important to you, and if he doesn’t accept that, then it’s better to let him go, whether he’s love bombing you or not.

RELATED My life was going nowhere until I had this revelation

Avoid love bombs. True love doesn’t happen overnight
We all just want to find happiness at the end. The love bombers out there are like sharks, looking for desperate hopeless romantics just waiting for their Prince Charming. The best way to keep yourself safe from love bombing is to always remember – true love doesn’t happen overnight.

Love takes time. Both people should set and demand respect and loyalty from their partner.

There is always a push and a pull in every relationship and if the relationship is too perfect and there are no struggles, then it may be a game to them rather than something real.

Protect yourself and don’t stick your head out of the clouds, no matter how good it feels.

Why is love bombing so uncomfortable?
Even in the later stages of love bombing, when feelings are withdrawn and the victim feels small and worthless, love bombing can be uncomfortable and strange, although the victim can rarely understand why (especially if they are in the relationship).

Here’s why love bombing can be so uncomfortable

1) Affection is excessive and unnecessary.
Affection should always be a two-way street. It should be something you earn and something you give when it makes sense.

But when affection is given out unconditionally from someone who is still practically a stranger, it can feel more like worship than an actual relationship.

That’s when you start asking yourself, “Why should my partner make me feel like he’s worshipping me?”

2) You feel like you are being forced to make a commitment.
Society teaches you that relationships should be about giving and receiving, with both partners putting in equal effort.

Love bombers use this expectation to their advantage – by putting more effort into the relationship and forcing an artificial connection, they force their victims into a situation where they have to give the love bomber what they want or they are not good people.

When the relationship becomes too much for you to bear, you feel cornered: do I allow my partner to keep the relationship going, even if I’m uncomfortable, or do I break up with him?

But it’s hard for you to choose the latter, because he hasn’t done anything so obviously wrong to warrant a break-up.

3) The intensity is disproportionate to the amount of time you’ve known each other.
In all the relationships you’ve ever been in, the relationship grows on both sides with the amount of time you’ve spent with another person and the experiences you’ve shared.

In a relationship that is bombarded with love, your inner formula is thrown out of the window, leaving you feeling doubtful from the start.

Instead of growing organically, the relationship seems to appear out of nowhere.

Before you know it, the relationship is one of the most important things in your life, and you don’t even remember how it came to be that way.

The psychology behind love bombing. What makes a modern day love bomber
Who is behind love bombing and why do they do it? It’s easy to say that love bombers are toxic narcissists, but more and more people are falling into the role of love bombers unknowingly and naturally.

While the classic love bombers were more calculated and refined in their actions, the modern love bombers of the digital age have adopted this role more naturally, simply because of how easy it is to love bomb on the internet.

So, what makes a typical love bomber? Here are some of the key characteristics to look out for

  • A narcissist, someone who loves their ego and needs to have it stirred up
  • People who are insecure in their attachment style, where the insecurity comes from not having a consistent caregiver
  • People without a history of successful relationships have problems with abandonment by early partners or parents.
  • people with low self-esteem, even though they pretend to have a lot of independence and confidence (so they need what psychologists call a ‘narcissistic supply’ to satisfy their hunger).

The best way to think about love bombing in a modern context is to compare it to the reinforcement that comes with training an animal.

The narcissist acts as a trainer, choosing an easily manipulated victim.

In the digital world, this is easier than ever, which is why love bombing is becoming increasingly common in the world of online dating.

Here’s why love bombing is easier to execute in the digital age

Social media allows for constant connection.
Social media, the internet and mobile connectivity allow us to stay in touch with everyone in our lives 24/7.

This means that love bombing can be done from the comfort of the narcissist’s own bedroom, and the difference between showering someone with attention or affection and not doing it is simply a matter of choice.

All a love bomber needs to do to show a girl that they are interested in her is to keep messaging them all day long.

They can come up with many reasons and excuses as to why they can’t shower them with affection in person – maybe it’s too far away, maybe they’re too busy with work or school, or whatever.

But today’s love bombers don’t even need to go to the same lengths as traditional love bombers to make their victims feel special and loved with a fraction of the previous effort.

You can “accompany” multiple victims at the same time.
Before the advent of the internet, love bombers had to choose their victims carefully.

This was because they could realistically only love bomb one person at a time, and because love bombing required constant attention and affection, a love bomber could not disappear without reason while pursuing another girl.

But today’s love bombers can convince multiple girls that they are the one for them with little to no doubt.

And because of the innate narcissistic nature of the love bomber, more and more men are naturally falling into the role of keeping multiple girls hooked on them with nothing more than daily messages and phone calls. Thus, the “supply of narcissism” never runs out.

There is nothing to lose if the attempt fails.
If the victim gets suspicious, or even realises what is happening, the love bomber can cut them off without hesitation and end the relationship.

The love bomber has nothing to lose by cutting off any victim who may start to become too high maintenance, as there is little real investment in the relationship other than the artificial emotions created through online messages and phone calls.

Love bombers can easily find new victims and drop old ones, making love bombing a manipulative game in which they constantly draw attention from the women they manipulate.

The 4 stages of love bombing
Stage 1: Idealisation

The first stage is idealisation. You meet the love bomber and they immediately begin to fill any emotional need you have and more. They idealise you and will stop at nothing to win your love and affection.

Many people fall into this stage without realising they may be dealing with a love bomber, simply because it is so easy to get caught up in romance and emotion.

Signs of this stage.

  • They reward you with love and affection
  • They give you more compliments than you feel you deserve.
  • You feel rushed into a strange new relationship

Stage 2: Conditioning and codependency
Idealisation has become routine and extravagant splurges start to feel like a normal part of life.

In the second stage, the love-bomber has inserted himself completely into the victim’s life, forcing his way into the depths of the victim’s life through acts of grandiose kindness and love that the victim feels obliged to accept.

This constant flood of attention and love eventually becomes a form of psychological conditioning in which the love bomber forces the victim to transition from an independent individual to one who is heavily dependent on the love bomber.

They do this by isolating the victim from their circle of support and replacing what those circles of support provide – emotional support, financial support, etc.

The victim is trained to believe that the relationship is all they have, so they become totally dependent on the love bomber.

Signs of this stage.

  • They want to spend all their time with you but they don’t like your friends or family.
  • They force you to develop relationships at a faster pace than you are comfortable with, such as moving in together, sharing finances, or planning for children.
  • You feel as if everything is moving too fast and you start to wonder what is happening to everyone around you

Stage 3: Devaluation
The third stage of love bombing begins when the victim starts to question the authenticity of the relationship and the sincerity of their so-called soul mate.

Perhaps the victim will start to push their own decisions and hear their own voice again, something they haven’t done since the love bombers took control of their lives.

Or they will begin to fight back more indirectly, for example by trying to reunite with friends and family who have been isolated from the love bomber.

The Love Bomber begins to feel that he is losing control of the situation, so he reacts by devaluing it.

By now, the Love Bomber has learned the victim’s weaknesses – her weaknesses, the areas of her personality that lack the most confidence and self-esteem.

He knows exactly what needs to be said to dispel the confidence she has managed to pick up, and by devaluing, the victim becomes dependent and helpless once again, mostly without realising what is happening.

Signs of this stage.

  • A sudden change in the attitude of the love-bombers From endless love and affection to sudden indifference Hiding their love from the victim.
  • The strangest things trigger them, such as planning a lunch with your old friend.
  • You end up feeling that you were wrong to ever let your partner down and you want to do whatever it takes to make them fall in love with you again.

Stage 4: Discard
A relationship that explodes in love can end up cycling through the first three stages many times, and most people do.

This is because the victim usually doesn’t realise any problems are happening, but is convinced that these are normal relationship movements with some rough patches.

By keeping the victim dependent and isolated, the love bomber can ensure that they will do whatever it takes to stay in the relationship, no matter how badly they are demeaned and abused.

However, when the love bomber gets bored or the victim becomes too difficult to control, the love bomber will abandon the relationship.

There are generally three main reasons why this happens.

1) The victim is no longer the “narcissistic supply” that the love bomber is satisfied with. As a result of the love bomber’s behaviour, they have become too broken, so they no longer deserve their affection and attention

2) The victim has become aware of the situation and begins to fight back against the love bomber, setting new rules and boundaries. The love bomber discards the relationship because they realise they are about to be exposed or they don’t want to keep putting more energy into it when they could easily find new unsuspecting targets.

3) They discard in order to further manipulate the victim, solely for the purpose of resuming the relationship at some point in the future.

This can be likened to a higher level of devaluation – they make their victims feel discarded so that they can eventually break them and then come back again as their absolute saviour.

You might also like to read
I was deeply unhappy… … Then I discovered this Buddhist teaching.
What J.K. Rowling can teach us about mental toughness
The Heroic Instinct: How to Engage Your Manly Instincts
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Relationships, Self-improvement
What to look for in a man? 25 Good Qualities in a Man
By Lachlan BrownLachlan Brown
April 3rd, 2020 at 4:13 am
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Finding the perfect guy can be a tall order. After all, tall, dark and handsome seems to be what women claim to want.

But when it comes down to living with Mr Tall, Dark and Handsome, some women find that they prefer a man who possesses certain qualities rather than looks.

Thinking about men who can make them laugh, who care about their family and friends and who support them through life’s ups and downs is actually more important to women than looks.

This is why many women find themselves falling in love with men who wouldn’t normally be on their radar: men who have all the qualities of boyfriends and even husbands that women secretly look for in Mr Tall, Dark and Handsome, and are often disappointed.

Here are 25 qualities that make a man great.

  1. He has brains.
    The perfect man is intelligent. There are no two ways about it. Men with brains, as the saying goes, are quick thinkers and problem solvers.

They see the big picture rather than getting bogged down in the details, which can slow them down.

In a relationship, this quality can make a big difference because he can think things through and isn’t afraid to fall down a few times on the way to finding the right answer.

Also, one study found that the smarter a man is, the less likely he is to be unfaithful.

  1. He shares the same values as you.
    An important part of any relationship is compatibility of values. If your man doesn’t align with what you want out of life, the relationship won’t last long, no matter how handsome he is.

Men and women have different views on many things, but if you can find someone who thinks the same as you on the big things: life, marriage, money, travel, charity.

When you meet someone who has the same views and wants to focus on the same things, your relationship will be much easier.

  1. He protects you.
    A real man always makes his partner feel safe, both physically and emotionally.

Because a man should naturally feel protective of his woman. A study published in the journal Physiology and Behaviour showed that men’s testosterone makes them feel protective of their partner’s safety and well-being.

So, does your man protect you? Not just from physical harm, does he make sure you are protected when any negative situation arises?

Then you’ve found yourself a good man.

There is actually a fascinating new concept in relationship psychology that is currently gaining a lot of attention. It goes right to the heart of the mystery of why men fall in love – and who they fall in love with.

And it all has to do with why men want to protect women and the role of women in enabling him to do so. Because if he wants to protect you, then you have to let him.

The theory claims that men want to step up for the woman in their lives, to provide and protect her. In other words, men want to be your hero.

This is deeply rooted in male biology.

People call it the hero instinct. I have written a detailed primer on this concept which you can read here.

He wants to see himself as a protector. As someone you really want and need to be around. Not as an accessory, a ‘best friend’, or a ‘partner in crime’.

I know this may sound a bit silly. In this day and age, women don’t need someone to save them. They don’t need a “hero” in their lives.

And I couldn’t agree more with that.

But the irony is that men still need to be a hero. Because it’s in our DNA to look for relationships that make us feel like we’re a protector.

If you want to learn more about the hero instinct, check out this free online video by the relationship psychologist who coined the term. He provides fascinating insights into this new concept.

Some ideas are really game changers. And for relationships, I think this is one of them.

Here’s the link to the video again.

  1. He can break the tension with a joke.
    The perfect man can break the tension with a proper joke. He may not be too funny, but he can make you laugh when you need it most.

A sense of humour is high on a woman’s list of requirements for the perfect man. And it’s no wonder: a man who can make you laugh is worth keeping around.

In fact, one study found that the ability to humour reveals intelligence and predicts ‘mating success’.

Life is tough, and if someone can break the ice, release tension and make you see things from a different perspective, he’s a keeper.

  1. He cares about your friends and family.
    Men aren’t known for their compassion or communication skills. If your guy is tuned in to your friends and family and asks about them, cares about them and treats them with the same respect he treats you, that’s a good thing.

When you’re dating a guy who can get along with your dad or your best friend, it says a lot about him.

Bringing someone new into our lives can be hard, but if he fits in properly, that’s good news for you.

  1. he understands that your career is important to you.
    Some men are intimidated by an independent woman, but not your man. If he understands you and all that you are, he will understand that your work is important to you.

Whether you work for someone else or run your own company, he will understand that you don’t just need to work, you want to work. It’s an important part of who you are.

The perfect guy will be able to give you all the space you need to make things happen in your life.

  1. he respects you and what you bring to the table.
    Sometimes it’s hard to find someone who sees the best in you. If you’ve had a string of failed relationships, you may feel vulnerable about letting this guy into your life to see what you’re made of. But don’t worry, he already knows.

He can see what makes you special from a mile away and he wants you to celebrate how great you are. He knows how smart you are and what you can bring to his life as well as your own.

And according to Dr John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, this is a good thing.

He says that if a man rejects a woman’s influence, it could be a sign that he has power issues.

  1. He understands that love takes work.
    No relationship is perfect, even with the perfect man. But that’s what makes him so perfect: he knows he has to behave and work hard in the relationship in order for it to last.

He doesn’t take anything for granted. Understanding that you will have ups and downs in your relationship means that he is ready to do the work and make it work between the two of you.

  1. He is your biggest fan.
    He loves that you are a rock star in your own life. He doesn’t get frustrated by your success and he wants you to show up and shine as often as possible.

He knows what it feels like to be hugely successful and he cheers you on in your own work and life. The perfect man knows that you have things in your life that you want to do and he wants you to do them.

A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that couples who celebrated each other’s achievements were more satisfied with their relationship than those who reacted negatively or indifferently.

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  1. He’s tuned in to his emotions.
    The perfect guy not only has his finger on the pulse of your relationship, he’s tuning into his emotions too.

Knowing where his thoughts and feelings are coming from helps him to stay in the moment and not get upset by what’s going on around him.

He’s grounded and helps you stay grounded too. He also understands that you are not responsible for making him happy, just being with you will make him happy.

The perfect man isn’t easy to find – in fact, most men aren’t well adjusted.

What you need to understand, though, is that it’s not necessarily their fault.

The male and female brains are biologically different. For example, the limbic system is the emotional processing centre of the brain, and the limbic system in the female brain is much larger than in the male brain.

This is why women are more likely to be in touch with their emotions. It is also why men can struggle to process and understand their emotions.

Have you ever been with a man without emotions before? Blame it on his biology not him.

The thing is, to stimulate the emotional part of a man’s brain, you have to communicate with him in a way that he can actually understand.

Because there are some things you can say to him that will make him much more interested in you.

I learned this from relationship guru Michael Fiore. He is one of the world’s leading experts on male psychology and what men want from relationships.

Watch this excellent free video to learn Michael’s life-changing solutions for dealing with men who won’t open up to you.

Michael Fiore reveals what you need to do to get your man to commit to a passionate relationship. His techniques work amazingly well with both the coldest and most commitment-phobic of men.

If you want science-based techniques to get a man to fall in love with you and stay in love with you, check out this free video here.

  1. He knows how to use his manners.
    This is not to say that men are rude, but when men have proper manners they really stand out.

The guy who holds the door, pulls out the chair, says thank you, asks how you’re doing, introduces you to other people in a way that makes you feel important.

Politeness means a man puts you before himself. It means he’s thinking about you and the other people around him.

You may not put a polite man very high on the list, but it says a lot about his upbringing and his value to other people as well as himself.

RELATED 18 things mature men will never do

  1. He doesn’t mess around.
    You want a man who is kind and considerate, but also a man who does what he says he will do. You don’t have time for games, and any man who likes to play games isn’t worth keeping around.

Sometimes you need to learn this lesson the hard way, but the rules remain the same: you want a guy who is honest and true to you.

It may be strange at first, especially if you’re not used to a guy being honest with you, but it really is the best way to go. You can trust someone who is honest with you.

This is important because, according to Dr Andrea Bonior in Psychology Today, trust is arguably the most important feature of a healthy relationship.

“Without trust, there’s a lack of a solid foundation on which to build emotional intimacy, and the likelihood that you’ll get hurt – over and over again – grows.”

  1. he knows what he brings to the table.
    Men who are confident but not arrogant are the best kind. Confident men know how to treat women and don’t feel threatened by your success.

The problem with how men have confidence is not that they gain it by being with strong women. They usually resent it more when they are around women who don’t need them.

Being with a confident man means you don’t have to worry about how you appear, you can both be yourselves.

  1. He knows what integrity is.
    Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is looking. If you doubt that you can trust him when you’re around, it’s hard to trust him when you’re not there to watch what he’s doing. But how can you tell if a person has integrity?

Listen to what he says about others. What kind of behaviour does he approve of and what are his values?

What does he talk to you about and do you feel that some things are being ignored?

How do others treat him and what do they say about him? You can learn a lot about a person by what others say about him.

  1. He behaves as if he is not his age.
    There is nothing worse than a boy. If you feel you need to take care of this guy or he’s going to break down and crumble, he’s not your man.

You can’t fix that kind of problem, no matter how hard you try to. Men their age don’t need you to take care of them. They don’t ask you for things and they don’t put you in uncomfortable situations.

  1. He reminds you to be positive.
    If there’s one quality you should look for in a man, it’s positivity. Guys who drag their feet don’t make you feel good about yourself.

If your guy is negative, it won’t get better unless he wants it to get better. If your guy always helps you see the bright side, you’ll want to keep him around.

After all, according to the University of Washington Wall Health Centre, “a healthy relationship should bring more joy to your life than stress”.

Pretty simple, right?

Any guy who can look on the bright side is going to be great when things get tough.

If you’re in a relationship for any length of time, you can count on tough times.

A good sense of humour and some positive insight can help you both get through those times.

  1. he is kind.
    A good man is kind not only to you, but to others as well. If you are still on the fence about being with a man, observe how he treats other people.

For a long time, women have looked at how a man treats his mother, but pay attention to how he treats his co-workers, how he treats the wait staff at the local restaurant, and how he interacts with strangers.

A kind man looks at people and doesn’t just glare in passing. If he does it to someone else, he will probably do it to you.

  1. He is grateful for who you are.
    When a man is comfortable in his skin, he won’t try to make you change who you are.

Not only will he make room in his life for your awesomeness, but he will encourage you at every turn to do what feels right for you.

Your strong, independent nature will not scare him away.

  1. he is happy to lead or follow.
    A decent man is not threatened by a strong woman, so if you feel the need to take control of things around you, he will give you that space.

But if the situation requires you to take charge, he is perfectly happy to do so.

There is no feeling of contempt here, because he knows that you two are partners and that this is not a competition.

  1. he will always take responsibility for what he does.
    If he messes up, you better believe that a respectful man will be quick to own up to it.

Probably when all is said and done, he’ll tell you all about it on your doorstep because he doesn’t want you to find out from anyone else that he dropped the ball.

If he starts an argument, he’ll admit it. If he’s late, he won’t make excuses. He’ll just say he’s sorry for keeping you waiting.

  1. he follows you.
    In the age of mobile phones and social media, getting and keeping someone’s attention can be difficult.

When someone is glued to their phone, all they’re saying to you is that anything on the internet is more interesting than you are right now. Ouch. That hurts. But everyone does it to everyone else.

However, when a man is really interested in being with a woman, he will put down his phone and give you all his attention.

He’ll hear you when you talk and he’ll actually be able to carry on a conversation with you because he’s listening. If he’s always scrolling through Facebook to see what his friends are doing, he’s not respecting you.

“The most important thing we’ve learned, something that has been totally prominent in all of developmental psychology, social psychology and our lab work over the last 35 years, is that the secret to loving relationships and staying in strong and vibrant relationships over the years, falling in love over and over again, is emotional responsiveness” – Sue Johnson, clinical psychologist in Ottawa.

  1. He supports you when you need him.
    Women are stronger than ever, and they are living independent lives on their own. This doesn’t mean they don’t want to have meaningful relationships or that they don’t need a shoulder to cry on occasion.

Strong women need strong men by their side, and in today’s society it is hard to find someone who will stand by your side when you are in trouble.

If he picks up the phone when you call and gives you space when you need it, you’ll know you have a man who is special and respects you.

Support doesn’t always come in the form of hand-holding: sometimes women need their space and a good man knows when to let you have it.

  1. He keeps the lines of communication open.
    Women often roll their eyes at the way men communicate. It seems that men and women have different communication styles, but women constantly expect men to adopt a woman’s communication style.

Instead of waiting for your man to become a woman, notice how often he communicates his wants, needs and feelings to you. If he is not a talker, does he listen to you when you talk?

If he’s not much of a phone person, does he text you to let you know he’s thinking of you? If he doesn’t like crowds, does he give you all his attention when it’s just the two of you?

Instead of criticising his communication style, look for ways he can keep the lines of communication open. If he respects you, he will show you that he cares by saying the right things and also by showing you that he cares.

  1. He makes you and your relationship a priority in his life.
    Women sometimes find themselves taking a back seat to a man’s work or friends. If you have experienced this, you know that this can lead to a lot of resentment and mistrust.

When you are in a relationship with a man, he should be able to show his interest in your relationship by showing you that you are his priority.

This doesn’t mean he needs to bail on an afternoon meeting to bring you ice cream and you’ll think it’s a jerk.

It means he makes time for you and doesn’t let other aspects of his life interfere with your alone time.

  1. He’s honest.
    A man who respects you will always tell you the truth, even if it’s hard to do. There’s a big difference between being a jerk and being honest.

Sometimes there are difficult conversations to be had in a relationship and if he respects you, he will be able to have those conversations with you.

If he doesn’t, you’ll find him drinking beer with his buddies trying to avoid the situation.

A real man will stand up for himself even when he’s uncomfortable because he knows the relationship, and you, are worth it.

Does he feel the same way about you?
If you meet a great guy who ticks most of the 25 boxes I outlined above, then you need to know if he feels the same way about you.

The truth is, he probably doesn’t even know the answer…

Men and women think differently. When it comes to relationships, we are driven by different things. And most of the time, we don’t even realise what drives us.

I was recently introduced to a fascinating new concept in relationship psychology that explains so much about men: the hero instinct.

What is the hero instinct?

As I mentioned earlier in this article, the hero instinct is the basic biological impulse of men to provide and protect women.

Simply put, men want to be your heroes. Not necessarily an action hero like Thor, but he does want to stand up for the woman in his life. And wants to be appreciated for his efforts.

For many women, learning the hero instinct is their ‘aha moment’. Such was the case for hacker-spirit author Pearl Nash. You can read her story of how her love life was a train wreck before she discovered the heroic instinct here.

How do you trigger the instinctive instinct?
James Bauer is one of the world’s leading relationship experts.

In his new video he explains exactly what the heroic instinct is and how you can trigger it in your man.

You can watch the video here.

The hero instinct is probably the best kept secret in relationship psychology. And I think it holds the key to a man’s lifetime of love and devotion.

Because triggering it in your man will not only provide him with meaning and a sense of purpose, but will take your relationship to the next level.

Here’s the link to the video again.

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New free e-book. Attraction Triggers

Want to know how to get a man to fall in love with you and commit for the long term?

Then check out our free eBook Attraction Triggers.

This eBook contains everything you need to know about the predictable patterns that make men fall in love.

Most importantly, it will teach you practical techniques to activate these triggers in your man so that you can build a successful long-term relationship.

Check it out here.

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Relationships
10 toxic relationship signs that can end any relationship
By Lachlan BrownLachlan Brown
April 3, 2020 at 4:12 am
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Relationships take hard work; we’ve all heard that before.

But how do you know when a relationship is just going through a rough patch, or when it’s broken from the inside out?

Toxic relationships can be one of the worst partnerships you may ever experience, and when you find yourself stuck in one, your entire life can be put on hold.

In this article, we’ll dissect toxic relationships – learn what it is, the top 10 signs of a toxic relationship, why it happens, when to know if you should leave it or fix it, and how to move on, even if you’re still in love.

What is a toxic relationship?
Toxic relationships are described in the name – relationships that have gone sour.

When a relationship becomes toxic, every interaction in the relationship feels wrong or inappropriate, filled with negative energy and leaving both parties uncomfortable, angry and disappointed.

When a person is trapped in a toxic relationship, they can find it difficult, if not impossible, to pry themselves out of it without significant effort. There are many reasons for this, such as.

  • The relationship used to be healthy and happy, and a part of you still thinks it is, even though most of it has become toxic.
  • You don’t want to believe that the person you love has become a source of negative energy for you
  • You don’t want to believe that you’ve become trapped in a relationship because you may feel that you’re too emotionally mature to get into something like this.

However, even the best relationships can fall into toxic tendencies until the relationship itself becomes a toxic breeding pool of negative energy.

Habits that may have been considered cute quirks in the past may now seem like the most annoying things in the world, and attempts to fix the relationship may be misinterpreted as passive-aggressive energy.

Healthy relationships toxic relationships
Empathy, respect, freedom of thought, listening, safety, caring, security, mutual love, healthy disagreements, sharing Insecurity, jealousy, negativity, abuse of power, mistrust, demeaning attitudes, unnecessary comments, selfishness, harshness, over-criticism, self-centredness
When you find yourself in a toxic relationship or suspect you may be in a toxic relationship, it’s time to understand it – and then fix it or leave.

Top 10 signs of a toxic relationship

Image credit: Shutterstock – by Roman Kosolapov
Do you believe you may be in a toxic relationship? Here are 10 of the most common signs of toxicity in a relationship.

  1. Avoiding each other
    You used to love being together, but now you’re trying to avoid each other for every reason possible. You breathe a sigh of relief when your partner is going away for a few days.
  2. Ongoing self-betrayal
    You have opinions, likes and dislikes, but you find yourself often doing things other than what you think is right, just to please your partner because you don’t want to upset them.
  3. Lack of autonomy
    You have lost your identity and therefore your self-worth. You can’t remember the last time you made a decision that was solely up to you. Your whole life is now a “we”.
  4. Little white lies
    Your relationship has been punctuated by little white lies just because you don’t want to waste time explaining the truth and because you just don’t want to tell the truth.
  5. Nothing you do is right
    There is always criticism about everything. Whenever you do something, they will always comment on what you did wrong or how you could have done it better. They don’t know how to appreciate you anymore.

If you see this symptom, or some of the other symptoms I’ve mentioned in this article, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner doesn’t love you. However, you do need to start taking action to stop the degradation of your relationship.

Watch this video now to learn 3 techniques to help you fix your relationship (even if your partner is not interested right now).

  1. unhappiness
    You are just generally unhappy and negative. When they enter the room, your first thought is, “God, now what?”
  2. victim’s partner
    Maybe you and your partner have been through some tough times and you want to move on, but you can’t because they keep referring to the past and portraying themselves as victims. Trying to get better is only a one-way street.
  3. Envy and jealousy
    Instead of celebrating your personal awards and achievements, they just take away envy and jealousy and wish they could have it, making you feel bad about it.
  4. Endless drama
    No matter how bland and simple your life is, your partner will always magically find a way to stir up some new drama.
  5. Constant disrespect
    Your partner actively disrespects you in absolutely unnecessary ways, even when there is no argument.

If you’re still not sure you’re stuck in a toxic relationship, ask yourself the following questions.

1) Is your partner happy with who you are, or do you have to constantly be a different “you” to keep them happy?

2) Is your “give and take” equal, or does one of you give or take more than the other?

3) Do you feel better or worse about who you are after spending time with your partner?

4) Do you have more moments of anger and drama, or more moments of contentment and happiness?

5) When you are with your partner, do you generally feel tired or energised?

Related Links What can J.K Rowling teach us about mental toughness?

Why do healthy relationships become toxic? Here are 3 common reasons why

Healthy relationships are full of love. Whether it’s with a best friend, a parent, or a romantic partner, healthy relationships are a source of positivity, happiness and love; emotions that make us feel good and content and ready to conquer the world.

So it should make sense that everyone involved would want to do everything they can to keep that relationship healthy.

Yet, time and time again, healthy relationships fall apart.

Couples who once seemed destined to spend the rest of their lives together, cracking silly inside jokes, end up bickering and sniping at each other, turning ordinary situations into sources of hatred and bitterness.

How does this happen and why does it happen so often? Why do so many relationships fail to protect the “good” between them, allowing it to break and fall apart?

Here are a few reasons why even the most romantic of people can find themselves struggling in love.

  1. boredom
    Common lines.
  • “We’ve never done anything together.”
  • “Do you still want to eat there?”
  • “I’m so sick of you.”

The first reason is also the simplest – people get bored. Many people treat dating as a hobby.

They swipe through dating apps, sending virtual likes and hugs and kisses, and find themselves fueled by the excitement of getting dressed up and meeting a new potential partner for the first time.

Dinner, laughter and, if all goes well, maybe even sex.

Without realising it, countless men and women in their 20s and 30s have turned dating into their main hobby.

While others spend their weekend evenings reading books or playing video games, daters are dating. And the problem is that they don’t realise it.

So when they finally find “the one” and get them to delete their dating apps and stop spending every weekend night out on dates, they lose the major time dump that has kept them busy for years.

In its place is the novelty of love and commitment and building a life with a new person, but eventually, that novelty wears off.

The mere act of being together passively becomes less enticing, and maintaining the excitement becomes an active requirement.

The novelty of just hanging out on the sofa in a relationship becomes boring and partners need to work actively to maintain the relationship.

This means going out on surprise dates, planning new activities, and simply trying to move forward.

But this requires the involvement of both partners and if only one partner is actively planning activities to do and events to attend, they can feel annoyed that all the effort is coming from them.

After a few months or years, you will eventually find that the partner in the relationship is still technically in love with you, but is tired and frustrated.

They want more out of their life and they have convinced themselves that they have found the person they want to be with, but they don’t even have the energy to bother anymore.

Click here to watch an excellent free video with tips on how to turn around a stale or boring relationship (and much more – it’s well worth watching).

This video was created by Brad Browning, who is a leading relationship expert. Brad is the real deal when it comes to saving relationships, especially marriages. He is a best-selling author and offers valuable advice on his extremely popular YouTube channel.

Here is another link to his video.

  1. Missed expectations
    Common lines: “Why don’t you want to do anything?
  • “Why don’t you want to do anything?”
  • “I just want to make you better.”
  • “I’m happy with the way I am!”

There is much more to a serious relationship than dating.

Dating is spontaneous, mysterious and exciting, whereas a serious relationship should develop beyond that.

Not only are you committing your love to your partner, but you are committing your time, your resources and your entire life.

And this means that your life is no longer your life. It also becomes part of your partner’s life, and their life becomes part of yours.

Their failures are your failures and their successes are your successes. The more they put into their life, the more they get out of it, and the more you get out of it.

So what does this mean? It means that both parties have to be on the same page when it comes to what they want to get out of life.

Some people are happy just to be alive – to pay the bills, to relax at home with their families at night and on weekends, to enjoy the occasional luxury.

But others want more.

Maybe they want to eventually earn more money, or move to another country or a bigger home, or achieve a larger personal goal such as starting a business or pursuing a higher level of education, or winning an award in their field of interest.

It can be difficult to talk about this, especially in the early stages of a relationship.

Our expectations of ourselves and our desire to achieve our own perception of happiness from our own lives is a very personal desire and when this does not align with the goals of our partner it can create deep personal rifts in the relationship.

If two partners decide to stay together, one has to compromise for the other – either the more ambitious partner has to set their goals lower and starts to feel that their partner is holding them back, or they keep achieving their goals and eventually feel they have outgrown their partner and have to move on.

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  1. Long-term resentment
    Common lines.
  • “I’ve told you not to do that a thousand times.”
  • “When are you going to learn?”
  • “You think apologizing is enough?

Resentment. No matter how emotionally mature you are, it’s hard to erase the deep wounds in your heart.

When someone hurts you on a level that only your closest partner can hurt you, those pains can last a long time – if not forever.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to read our powerful new guide, The Marriage Repair Handbook. It’s 100% free and there are no strings attached. Grab your copy here.

Cheating, physical abuse, verbal abuse – all of these are huge sources of resentment.

Even if you and your partner eventually move on and try to stick together afterwards with the intention of treating each other better, the pain of being hurt stays with you.

It becomes a part of you, and every day you look at yourself in the mirror and realise. I was the one who was abused, or cheated on, or hurt by the person who was supposed to love me.

But it doesn’t take a huge act of betrayal to cause resentment.

We spend years and decades with the partner we choose, and in general that time can cause resentment that others can’t understand, even if it’s something small.

Maybe your partner rolls their eyes at you whenever you try to suggest a new restaurant or meal, or maybe your partner has a bad habit of interrupting you when you try to talk to a friend.

Maybe you don’t like the way they don’t respond when you try to call them out at home; maybe you’re tired of how they forget to include the little things you ask for from the grocery shop.

This chronic resentment is a by-product of not feeling loved.

We talk to our partners about the things that bother us, the things we wish they would do differently, but when we see these habits continue to persist, we feel unloved.

After all, if your partner still loved you, wouldn’t they make an effort to remember what you want?

It’s not enough to break up with them, and that makes it hard. It’s only enough to start resenting them slowly, day by day.

Your toxic relationship. Leave it or fix it

Ending a relationship, especially one you love, isn’t always easy. Remember that there are subtle differences between toxic relationships and those that need a little more work.

Understanding the nuances between the two will guide you to take the next best step for you and your relationship. Here’s how to tell the difference between the two.

Scenarios Toxic relationships require work
You and your partner hurt each other There is no sign of remorse and no visible effort to change behaviour and cut off patterns Apologies are always made immediately after an argument and you both try to argue better next time
You have the same argument over and over again The argument gets worse and you would rather shut up than engage You are willing to find better ways to communicate with each other
You experience trust or boundary issues Your partner pressures you, refuses to validate your emotions, makes you feel guilty and takes responsibility for them You compromise on staying in touch and being alone, while helping to build each other’s confidence
You don’t know how to communicate with each other The argument gets out of hand because one of you acts manipulatively or childishly Instead of letting the problem get worse, you try to cut it down where you can until it’s fully resolved
You don’t enjoy being with them anymore The argument comes out of nowhere, out of habit, indifference or sheer malice. There’s no longer any respect or concern for each other There’s still an underlying fondness and affection that’s just been tainted by the latest arguments and quarrels
When it’s best to leave
In some cases, relationships just need a little help and intervention.

But if you still feel trapped in a toxic relationship after sitting down and pouring your heart out to your partner, then saying goodbye for good may be the only remedy.

Staying in a toxic relationship and hoping they will change is just wishful thinking.

Time may be able to heal all wounds, but unfortunately, it cannot repair bad behaviour and recurring relationship problems. The longer you stay in a bad relationship, the deeper your emotional scars will become.

Consider saying goodbye to your toxic relationship in the following situations

Your relationship is lopsided. Whether it’s affection, time, money or an act of kindness nothing you do seems to get a response from your partner. You feel obliged to be more understanding towards them, while they can do whatever they want, usually at your expense.
Your confidence and sense of self-worth are non-existent. In this relationship, you feel less and less about yourself. You find that you no longer fully understand who you are and your confidence depends on your partner approving of what you are doing.
You have become dependent on your partner. The idea of spending a weekend without seeing each other is unthinkable. You can’t do everyday things like going to the gym or doing housework without your partner being there for you.
There are two possibilities for this: you have been led to believe that you need your partner to function in your daily life; or you have delayed your partner by forcing yourself to spend time together.

In either case, extreme codependency is not conducive to relationship development.

How to leave a toxic relationship
Leaving a toxic relationship is a process of mindful solitude.

Being rooted in a destructive relationship for so long can change your perspective on relationships and happiness.

It can affect the way you interact with old friends and ultimately change who you are as a person.

Therefore, you need time to regain your sense of worth, rebuild your confidence and readjust your view of what a healthy relationship should be.

It won’t be as simple as cutting off all contact with the other person – you will have to be proactive in mending your broken heart.

Accept that you can’t change your partner while you’re still in love.
One of the things that stops people from leaving toxic relationships is the hope that their partner will change. Understand that there is a difference between a toxic relationship and a toxic person.

If the toxicity stems from just one person, then the change must come from them. Unfortunately, toxic people rarely see the dark side of their anger and viciousness, which is why they end up taking others down with them.

RELATED Is your man pulling away? Don’t make this one BIG mistake

Reach out to family and friends
Leaving a toxic relationship is a more delicate situation than leaving other types of relationships.

Therefore, it’s best to surround yourself with friends and family who can show you what love and care looks like.

Find and save resources
If you are financially dependent on the other person, give yourself some time to secure some resources before ending the relationship.

A toxic person will have no problem kicking you out of your flat or restricting your financial resources the moment you show disagreement.

Plan ahead, contact friends and family and find a place where you can crash. If you and your partner share a bank account, talk to your bank about the situation and ask for a separate account.

After the break-up.
Cut off all contact

There is a period after a break-up when people feel elated and excited about their newfound freedom.

Building on this is the key to successfully moving on from a toxic relationship. Don’t let your ex ruin the experience.

Make yourself unapproachable so you don’t have to hear any spiel about guilt, betrayal and not trying hard enough.

Rebuild your confidence

After clearing the noise from your life, it’s time to travel inwards. People who leave toxic relationships often have a broken sense of self.

Because of prolonged exposure to harsh criticism, they can no longer find peace in themselves as individuals.

Surround yourself with friends and family, yes, but don’t live off that forever. When you are busy with others, it is easy to block out the anxious voices in your head.

It is only by letting these voices out and talking to them that you can truly release your confidence.

Just as your break-up journey is about redefining your perspective on your relationship, it is also about strengthening your personal self and finding new ways to stand on your own two feet.

Moving forward
Don’t let it define you

Getting out of a toxic relationship is difficult in itself, but even more difficult is having to deal with the aftermath.

You may find yourself more defensive, hostile and impatient in the aftermath of the relationship. You may have unwittingly allowed your previous relationship to set the standard for what a relationship should be.

Leave the bad behaviour where it belongs and focus on your perception of what a good relationship should be.

Let the past be the past and work to create better, healthier standards for relationships centred on love, compassion and respect.

Don’t be a victim forever

As humans, we tend to put traumatic experiences on a pedestal, sometimes wearing them as a badge of honour.

While it’s nice to be proud of how you’ve managed to move on from such a low point in your life, the existence of this chapter shouldn’t define you forever.

Don’t let it seep into other aspects of your life. Sometimes, people who leave toxic relationships morph into their old exes as a form of compensation.

Avoid this by treating the relationship as a random chapter rather than the story of your life.

Is your behaviour toxic behaviour? Here are 4 signs
The decision to get out of a toxic relationship is a rational one.

After all, you don’t want to be with someone who can suck your soul dry.

But what if that person is you?

Each of us wants to believe that we bring good things to every relationship. No one wants to admit that they are the toxic one in the mix.

However, it is important to remember that it takes two to tango and you may be unknowingly contributing to the toxicity in your relationship.

Does this mean you are a bad person?

Of course not. If you recognise your flaws and work with your partner to improve them, this is a clear sign that you just need a little nudge in the right direction.

1) You’re threatening to break up
You use other emotional threats besides “I’m breaking up with you” to get your way. Whenever you feel like you’re not being listened to, you resort to empty threats to get your partner to listen.

How to fix it. Agree on a safe word. When you reach the end of your rope, say the safe word and let your partner know you are close to bursting without having to threaten to break up.

2) You are unfaithful to your partner
As a couple, you should be supportive of each other no matter what. If you find yourself speaking ill of your partner to your friends and family, you are violating the privacy and sanctity of your relationship.

How to fix it. Vent to them instead. Pretend your partner is actually a friend or family member and talk about them as if they weren’t in the room. This way, you can communicate openly with your partner without sacrificing your need for emotional support.

3) You never apologise
Maybe you believe you’re never wrong, or just like having your partner fuss over you after a fight. In either case, refusing to apologise is childish behaviour and it undermines your partner’s confidence.

How to fix it. Just apologise. No ‘buts’, no ‘ifs’, no ‘becauses’. If you’re at fault, apologise and find a way to fix it.

4) You are insecure about yourself and the relationship.
Self-sabotage of a perfectly happy relationship is a common sign of insecurity in relationships. As a result, you may start arguments out of the blue or habitually make your partner feel bad. Perhaps you tend to be jealous and manipulative.

However it manifests itself, know that insecurity is the root of all evil in a relationship. Instead of making more demands on your partner, focus on improving yourself.

How to fix it. Find a hobby Find something that you can be good at and that you enjoy. Learn to enjoy time with yourself and you will have less control over the relationship.

Understanding toxic relationships creates a better you.
A toxic relationship is not the same as a toxic partner. Toxic relationships stem from misunderstandings, resentment and unhappiness. But that doesn’t mean these relationship problems can’t be solved. With love and effort, a toxic relationship can be restored to its former glory.

On the other hand, toxic people need a little work. Whether it’s you or your partner, accept the fact that sometimes the solution to your relationship doesn’t always come together. Whether it’s time apart or more time alone, being able to internalise toxic tendencies is the key to fixing a toxic relationship.

But when all else fails, know that a bad relationship is just a hiccup in an otherwise good life. Find the positivity in everyday things and understand that bad relationships won’t haunt you forever.

How to save your marriage
Firstly, let’s be clear about one thing: just because your partner exhibits a few of the behaviours I’ve just talked about, it doesn’t mean that they definitely don’t love you. It could simply be that these are indicators of future trouble in your marriage.

However, if you have seen several of these indicators in your spouse recently and you feel that your marriage is not on the right track, I encourage you to take action now to turn things around before they get worse.

The best place to start is to watch this free video by marriage guru Brad Browning. He explains where you’re going wrong and what you need to do to get your partner to fall in love with you again.

Click here to watch the video.

Many things can slowly infect a marriage – distance, lack of communication and sexual issues. If not handled properly, these issues can morph into infidelity and disconnection.

When I am asked to find an expert to help save a failing marriage, I always recommend Brad Browning.

Brad is a true expert when it comes to saving marriages. He is a best-selling author and offers valuable advice on his extremely popular YouTube channel.

The strategies Brad reveals in this video are powerful and could be the difference between a “happy marriage” and an “unhappy divorce”.

Here’s the link to the video again.

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Just because your marriage is in trouble doesn’t mean you have to get a divorce.

The key is to take action now and turn things around before they get worse.

If you want practical strategies to significantly improve your marriage, check out our free eBook here.

Our book has one goal: to help you mend your marriage.

Here’s the link to the free eBook again.

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I’m Lachlan Brown, founder and editor of Hack Spirit. I enjoy writing practical articles that help others to live mindful and better lives. I have a postgraduate degree in psychology and have been reading and researching all about human psychology and practical approaches to the hacker mindset for the past 6 years. If you would like to get in touch with me, please connect with me on Twitter or Facebook.

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How to let go of the person you love. 13 things you need to know
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March 26th, 2020 at 8:57 am
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Giving up the person you love is never easy.

We invest so much energy in romantic relationships that when we finally accept that it’s time to say goodbye, it’s like saying goodbye to an important part of ourselves.

Every funny memory, every inside joke, every photo – letting go means giving up everything the two of you shared, and that’s a choice we’re not willing to make.

But there are times when you just need to look inside yourself and acknowledge – it’s over, it’s done and it’s time to move on.

In this article, I’ll talk about the best ways to let go of the person you love.

How to let go of the person you love: 13 essential tips

  1. Separate yourself
    Separating from the person you love doesn’t just mean putting physical space between the two of you. Separation constitutes a mental and emotional separation from that person.

Once you fall in love with someone, you begin to believe that your energies are in sync; that somehow you can feel what they are feeling and know them better than anyone else in the world.

The first step in letting go of the person you love is to detach. Remind yourself that this journey involves you, not anyone else.

Imagine yourself as a unique individual, separate from the desires and emotions of your current ex-partner.

  1. Make peace with your past
    It is difficult to move forward when you feel that something is holding you back.

Maybe you feel guilty about not being the best partner, or maybe you also feel guilty about wanting to end the relationship.

Despite these feelings, remind yourself that in the midst of love, longing and happiness, there is a part of you that wants to let go and let yourself be this person.

No matter how much you love them, there is a stronger, wiser part of you that knows it’s time to move on.

Whatever it is that’s holding you back – guilt, anger, unresolved issues, unfair accusations, unrequited love – consider this thing done and dealt with.

Remember: you’re not fixing the relationship anymore, you’re preparing yourself to move forward, so there’s no need to brood on past mistakes or missed opportunities.

  1. Reflect on how you can survive a good relationship
    To get over the person you love, you need to reflect on the relationship and work out what went right and what went wrong.

Whatever the reason for the breakup, it is important that you learn from your mistakes so that your next relationship will be successful.

And for women, I think the best way to ensure future success is to understand what really drives men in relationships.

Because men see the world differently than you do, they have different motivations when it comes to love.

Men have an inherent desire for something ‘greater’ that goes beyond love or sex. This is why men who seem to have the ‘perfect girlfriend’ remain unhappy and find themselves constantly searching for something else – or worst of all, someone else.

Simply put, men have a biological drive to feel wanted, to feel important and to provide for the women he cares about.

Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the hero instinct. He has created an excellent free video on this concept.

You can watch his free video here.

As James argues, male desire isn’t complicated, it’s just misunderstood. Instinct is a powerful driver of human behaviour, and this is especially true for how men deal with their relationships.

Therefore, a man is unlikely to be satisfied in a relationship when his heroic instincts are not triggered. He holds back because for him, being in a relationship is a serious investment. And he won’t fully ‘invest’ in you unless you give him a sense of meaning and purpose that makes him feel essential.

How do you trigger this instinct in him? How do you give him a sense of meaning and purpose?

You don’t have to pretend to be anything you’re not or play the “damsel in distress”. You don’t have to downplay your strength or independence in any way, shape or form.

In an authentic way, you just need to show your man what you need and give him permission to step up to the plate and meet it.

In his video, James Bauer outlines several things you can do. He reveals phrases, texts and little requests that you can use right now to make him feel more important to you.

Here’s the link to the video again.

By triggering this very natural male instinct, you’ll not only put his confidence into overdrive, but also help your (future) relationship rocket to the next level.

  1. Declare your “why”
    Moving forward is a self-imposed task and, like all tasks, you need a clear reason to motivate you to reach the end of your goal.

Giving up on a loved one can be a painful experience.

Where love is concerned, there are a million different ways you can convince yourself to turn back and stay with that person, no matter how futile or difficult your situation may be.

Therefore, you need to translate your motivation to move on into simple, repeatable words like.

I’m moving on because I don’t think my partner and I have the same goals in life.
I’m moving on because I’m in love with someone because I don’t want to wait for someone who doesn’t love me to come back.
I want to move on because I don’t deserve to love an abusive partner.
Declaring your motivation to move on will help you stay on track and keep yourself focused so that you can successfully move on from this experience.

  1. Stop fantasising
    Disengaging with the person you love means stop imagining yourself with them.

Whether it’s naive thoughts of your possible future together or the occasional sexy fantasy, any form of imagination involving this person must stop.

In order to truly let go of a person, you must give yourself the space to unlearn about that person and become a stranger to them.

If they are constantly on your mind, you will be tempted to dissect the situation and start imagining the two of you together.

  1. Accept your grief
    No matter how amicable your separation is, leaving another person is still heavy on the heart. Accept that sadness – but don’t use it to fuel feelings of self-pity and regret.

Don’t hide from these emotions and pretend they don’t exist. An important part of being committed to yourself is accepting your feelings untainted by your now ex-partner’s opinion of them.

Whatever your feelings and beliefs about the relationship or situation, know that it is safe to bring them out now without fear of judgement from others.

Embrace your feelings for what they are, so you can start to heal and move forward from them.

RELATED. I was deeply unhappy… Then I discovered this one Buddhist teaching.

  1. Getting back together
    This article is all about how to let go of the person you love. And usually the best way to let go is to simply move on with your life without this person in it.

But here’s a counter-intuitive piece of advice you don’t usually hear. Why not try to get back together with them?

The simple fact is that not all breakups are the same. Here are some situations in which getting back together with your ex is actually a good idea

You are still compatible
You didn’t break up because of violence, toxic behaviour or incompatible values.
If you still have strong feelings for your ex, you should at least consider getting back together with them.

The best bit? You don’t need to go through all the pain of letting go.

You do, however, need a plan of attack to get them back.

If you want some help, Brad Browning is the person I always suggest people turn to. He is a best-selling author and easily offers the most effective ‘get your ex back’ advice on the internet.

Believe me, I have met many self-proclaimed “gurus” who have not mastered the practical advice Brad offers.

If you want to learn more, you can check out his free online video here. Brad gives some free tips that you can use immediately to get your ex back.

Brad claims that over 90% of relationships can be saved and while that may sound unreasonably high, I tend to think he’s on the money.

I’ve come across too many Hack Spirit readers who have happily returned to their exes to be a sceptic.

Here’s the link to Brad’s free video again. If you want a foolproof plan to actually get your ex back, then Brad will give you one.

  1. Make a plan
    In order to move on, you need to take the steps that will really get you going.

This means investing your time and energy in activities and people that add value to your life.

As well as being a distraction, having a plan will rekindle your enthusiasm, curiosity and interest in the world, opening you up to new experiences and filling a temporary void in your life.

Use this as a time to improve yourself – not just as a new person’s lover-to-be, but as a regular person. Take up a new hobby, or catch up with a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while.

The point of this phase is to keep you so busy that your life now becomes so separate from the one you share with your partner. Think about it, this marks the end of a previous chapter and a fresh start.

  1. Get to know yourself again and what your values are.
    Taking pride in who you are is a key step towards independence. It is difficult to reassess who you are after this relationship because being with another person will change you in ways you didn’t even know were possible.

Use this as a time to reflect on your truest and deepest principles. Evaluate your views and ask yourself if you believe them wholeheartedly or out of influence.

By breaking down your current values, you can rediscover what you truly believe in, like to do, and are free from outside influences.

One of the best ways to do this is to pick up a notebook and write down your thoughts and feelings.

Writing will help your mind to slow down and structure the information in your head.

Remember, part of the healing process of getting rid of your loved one is expressing, understanding and delving into your different emotions.

Keeping a journal can help you express your painful feelings in a safe environment. No one will read what you write.

You may be angry, or sad. Whatever you are feeling, let it out. Process those feelings.

If you want to know how to start journaling, try asking these three questions.

If you want a foolproof plan to get your ex back, check out our free new eBook – The Ex-Back Handbook. Get your free copy here.

How do I feel?
What am I doing?
Am I trying to change my life?

These questions will give you insight into your emotions and prompt you to think about the future.

Writing down what you want to change gives you the ultimate responsibility to change your life.

Knowing that you hold the cards to create a better life is empowering. You don’t need to rely on others; you can take responsibility for your life and shape its direction.

  1. Know your self-worth
    I get it.

This advice will seem obvious and old-fashioned. But it will still be very valuable.

To let go of the person you love, you really have to work on the most important relationship of your life – the one you have with yourself.

For many people, breakups are a negative reflection of our self-worth.

Because breaking up is not just losing the person you love, it’s losing the person you thought you were when you were with them.

Yet it’s not easy to love yourself. From a very young age, we are conditioned to think that happiness comes from the outside.

It is only when we find the ‘perfect person’ with whom we can relate that we find self-worth, security and happiness.

I think this is a life-destroying myth.

Not only does it create many unhappy relationships, but it poisons you to live a life without optimism and personal independence.

I learnt this from watching an excellent free video by world renowned shaman Rudá Iandê.

Now, I am not typically someone who would seek shamanic advice. But Rudá Iandê is not your typical shaman.

Rudá makes shamanism relevant to modern society Explaining and communicating shamanism to people like you and me

People who lead normal lives

If you are struggling at this time of year, go here and check out his free video.

It’s a wonderful resource to help you let go of the person you love and move on with your life with confidence.

  1. What was life like when you were single?
    You may feel frustrated or angry if you have to let go of the person you love.

Maybe you tell yourself that you will never be happy again. You’ll never find someone as good again. But that’s not the case at all.

Here are some important questions you can ask yourself that will lead you in the right direction.

  • What was life like before I fell in love?
  • How did I spend my time before I got involved with someone?
  • What was my favourite thing about being single?

Projecting a future without another person in your life is simply unimaginable. In order to reorganise your self, it is important to think back to the time before you fell in love.

By doing so, you can find the strength to know that there was a time when you were completely independent, happy and capable without another person in your life.

By seeing the break-up as just another episode in your life, it becomes easier to welcome a whole new chapter in your story.

  1. It’s time to move forward and create a new life
    Here are some questions you need to ask yourself.

Do I like being surrounded by friends and family or do I prefer to be alone?
What new things can I try to improve to make my life richer?
What kind of person do I want to be after learning what I know now from my last relationship?
After rebuilding your identity and taking pride in who you are, it’s time to do something that will really help you move forward.

It can be as simple as getting in touch with an old friend or tracking your emotions through a diary.

There are different actions you can take to start moving on. In the end, it’s all about finding meaning in your life.

Being in a relationship isn’t the only way to feel meaningful. The reason we get so much meaning from relationships is that they give us a sense of belonging.

When all of us were hunter-gatherers, there was never any doubt that we belonged.

We were part of a tribe, part of the place where we lived, part of the ecosystem. Now, all that has changed.

We have to find our own tribe. Many people live far away from their families, or are estranged from them.

We meet different groups of friends throughout our lives and must find those who really click.

More of us have never had children, and those of us who do tend to have children much later than our parents and grandparents.

This is why a relationship has so much potential to provide us with a sense of belonging and meaning. Our partner is someone who can navigate the world with us.

A good partnership can ground us and give us the strength to grow. But a relationship can also tear apart our sense of meaning and belonging.

A relationship that doesn’t feel right can keep us from interacting with the world in an authentic way.

Spending most of your time with someone you don’t really love, and who doesn’t really love you, undermines your ability to connect with others.

Viktor Frankl, a former World War II concentration camp inmate, wrote a book called Man’s Search for Meaning.

In the book he talks about how even those reduced to the most desperate circumstances will seek connection and belonging.

People who are almost starving to death will give away their last piece of bread and give comfort to others. Meaning inspires everything.

One of Frankl’s most famous quotes is: “Our greatest freedom is the freedom to choose our attitude”.

This is an important thing to remember after a break-up. Breakups feel chaotic and out of control.

We feel like our emotions are overtaking us and we can’t do anything to stop them.

We are afraid that our life is not the life we thought it would be. Frankel would say that we should find meaning in a different way and choose to change our attitude.

  1. Establish a morning and evening routine
    Why it’s good: It’s hard to get back to normal after a breakup, which is exactly why establishing a morning and evening routine is necessary.

Having something to look forward to when you wake up and when you get home from work and school will make each day more exciting.

Maybe you can adapt a whole new skincare routine or make sure you cook healthy meals for dinner.

At the end of the day, what you choose to do on your own time isn’t really important.

It’s about building much-needed motivation to get up and move forward each day by knowing exactly what to do in the morning and at night.

How to achieve this.

Make mornings and evenings more enjoyable by incorporating self-care into your daily routine.
Try to stick to your routine for a fortnight after the break-up. After you start to feel better, you can start to become more free with your time.
Try a different routine for weekends and weekdays. Maybe on weekday mornings you want to start your day with a podcast, and then have breakfast with friends first thing on weekend mornings.
Letting Go: Find positivity, growth and opportunity in yourself, without your partner.

Letting go of someone you love is contradictory because on the one hand, you understand that you crave freedom and independence, and on the other hand, you’ve invested so much love in the relationship that breaking up with them feels like carving out a part of yourself.

Rather than seeing this as letting someone go and losing a part of yourself, look at the situation positively and see it as an opportunity to grow further.

Your adventure didn’t start with that one person, and it likely won’t stop there.

Remind yourself of the potential you had before you fell in love, and the possibilities you will encounter once you move on.

Introducing my new book
For further insight into what I discuss in this blog post, check out my book, The Art of the Breakup. How to Let Go of the Person You Love.

In this book, I will show you exactly how to get over the person you love as quickly and as successfully as possible.

First, I’ll take you through the 5 different types of breakups – this gives you the opportunity to better understand why your relationship came to an end and how the consequences are affecting you now.

Next, I’ll provide a pathway to help you figure out exactly why you feel the way you do about a breakup.

I’ll show you how to really see these feelings for what they really are, so that you can accept them and eventually move on from them.

In the final stage of the book, I reveal to you why your best self is waiting to be discovered right now.

I show you how to embrace singleness, rediscover the profound meaning and simple pleasures of life, and ultimately find love again.

Now, this book is not a magic pill.

It is a valuable tool to help you become one of those unique people who can accept, deal with and move on.

By implementing these practical tips and insights, you will not only free yourself from the mental shackles of a painful breakup, but you will likely become a stronger, healthier and happier person than you were before.

Check them out here.

You might also like to read.
Why you lost your boyfriend (and how you can get him back)
My life was going nowhere until I had this revelation.
It’s the one thing all men want (and it’s not sex).
Free eBook. 4 Steps to Starting Over with Your Ex

Do you want to get back together with your ex?

Then you need to check out our free ebook, The Ex Recovery Handbook.

We have one goal: to help you win your ex back (for good!) .

If you want a foolproof plan to turn your breakup around, you’ll love this guide.

Check it out here.

I’ve just launched a YouTube channel.
Thank you so much for stopping by Hacker Spirit. I hope you enjoyed reading this article.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like to subscribe to me on YouTube.

I’ve just launched my channel and I’m creating videos based on the articles you read. If you click the subscribe button below, it will mean the world to me. Then you’ll see the videos I’ve posted.

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Author: Lachlan Brown
I’m Lachlan Brown, founder and editor of Hack Spirit. I enjoy writing practical articles that help others to live mindful and better lives. I have a postgraduate degree in psychology and have been reading and researching all practical approaches to human psychology and the hacker mindset for the past 6 years. If you would like to get in touch with me, please connect with me on Twitter or Facebook.

Living Wisely
Mending Marriage Review (2020). Is it worth it? My review
By Jude PalerJude Paler
March 26th, 2020 at 6:59 am
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When you buy through our links, we may earn money from our affiliate partners. Find out more here.

With over half of all marriages ending in divorce, online courses like Mend The Marriage are much needed.

Intimacy issues, adultery and lack of communication can eat away at trust and marital bliss. These ongoing issues can lead to grief, depression and even abuse if they are not handled correctly.

Many couples are looking for a life raft during these turbulent times, and Brad Browning’s comprehensive guide may well be it.

My marriage is going through a difficult time, so a friend recommended this best-selling book to me. I’ve read The Man’s Marriage in its entirety, and here I tell you everything you need to know.

In this comprehensive review of A Man’s Marriage, I’ll let you know what was good about the course, what I didn’t like, and how it actually helped my marriage.

Let’s get started.

This review contains affiliate links, which means that if you buy the book, I earn a commission. However, that doesn’t stop me from sharing the good and the bad of it. You can read my affiliate disclosure here.

What is Mending Marriage?

Many things can slowly infect a marriage – distance, lack of communication and sexual issues. If not handled correctly, these issues can morph into infidelity and disconnection.

Mend The Marriage is an online course specifically designed for couples who are on the loose and looking for answers.

The entire course consists of

A 200+ page e-book
A 4 hour audio course
A 7-part video series
Worksheets to help couples experiencing marital difficulties
Plus 3 complimentary eBooks.
In these materials, divorce expert and relationship coach Brad Browning provides couples with valuable advice. He assists them in rediscovering each other and igniting their passion.

His best-selling course is about working on one’s self and working on one’s relationship – they are one and the same according to Browning.

This online course is a powerful tool that can save you from a painful divorce.

Click here to view Mending Marriage.
Who is Brad Browning?

Brad Browning is a divorce expert and relationship coach from Vancouver who has been helping couples mend their marriages for over a decade.

Browning is the author of two best-selling relationship courses – The Ex Factor and Mending Marriages.

He shares his wealth of experience in his articles and books to help couples everywhere. His articles regularly appear in Your Tango, LoveLearnings.com and many other publications.

Brad Browning is also the host of a popular YouTube show where he offers tips on love and commitment to his followers.

Why did I decide to review Mend The Marriage?
I found out about Mend The Marriage through a friend. She couldn’t stop talking about it and suggested I give it a shot. The program helped her and her husband so much that they even renewed their vows.

After her trusting feedback about the digital program, I was intrigued by Mend The Marriage’s journey. It’s hard sometimes because Mend The Marriage tells couples some home truths – many of which you probably don’t want to hear.

I certainly didn’t want to hear them either!

But if you stick with the program and go through with it in its entirety, you will come out a better person and hopefully a better partner at the other end.

I am human, which means I am flawed. I acknowledge that it’s hard for me to take responsibility and to not put eternal blame on my partner. It’s about letting go of always being right and learning to balance my perspective.

After attending Brad Browning’s course for a few months, I believe my marriage is a better person for having done this, and it has made me a better person. I no longer feel angry at every little thing my partner does.

Thanks to Browning’s advice, I am now more focused on self-improvement. I exercise five days a week, I meditate and I eat clean, healthy food.

I’m a better wife to my husband because I feel better physically and mentally. I support him emotionally and sexually.

All in all, this relationship-stuff between my husband and I really works! I’m grateful that I’m able to put Bradley’s work first.

I’m grateful that I was able to put Brad Browning’s valuable relationship advice into practice. At first it was confronting and I often wanted to throw in the towel. But thankfully, I persevered and made it across the finish line.

But I’m not the only one happy to have finished Mending Marriage – my husband is delighted. He no longer felt like the target of my anger or agitation.

Our days have become harmonious.

Latest offers
The Mended Marriage is sometimes on sale. Please visit the website to see the current cheapest prices.

(This link will open a new tab so you can continue reading this review).

Click here
What is Mend The Marriage for men about?

Mend The Marriage was created to turn divorce around. It is a manual for men and women who are navigating a marriage that is no longer working.

The online course covers sex, intimacy, anger, jealousy and more. It teaches couples how to recover from these symptoms, which are often the result of a stagnant relationship.

The “ABCD method” around which the course is based teaches couples how to push through the four stages to push through resentment and negative memories.

Learning how to forgive is another of the most important parts of the course, and Browning focuses quite heavily on helping couples recover.

Here is an introduction to the ABCD Method, which is the basis of the Mend The Marriage programme.

Acceptance of the status quo
Although this stage sounds simple and self-explanatory, one would be surprised at how many people are in denial about their relationship.

Browning teaches couples that acceptance is always the first stage until they can move forward. It means letting go of blame and taking responsibility for their part in the breakdown of the relationship. It means taking care of yourself so that you can do your best when talking to your partner (or ex-partner).

Building resilience
In this stage, Browning talks about living a healthy life, thinking positively and not beating yourself up.

This means having good quality sleep, good nutrition and exercise.

If you can’t take care of yourself, you will have little chance of being able to ‘take care’ of your relationship. When relationships break down, people often lose control of their emotions in anger – it’s the worst thing they can do.

Browning coaches couples to take a step back, take a deep breath and make wiser choices.

Committing to change
This session is about sticking to positive thoughts rather than going back to negative ones.

It is easy to practice healthy habits in the short term, but these changes need to be sustained over time to receive positive results. So this is a continuation of Phase 2.

People are attracted to positivity. Be a positive person, acquire some new hobbies and become the person your ex-partner wants to get back together with.

Go all in
This stage is all about being honest, not playing mind games and continuing to be your best self during this painful and uncomfortable period. Be honest, admit your mistakes and tell your partner what you want.

But once you’ve put your cards on the table, it’s time to walk away and let them come to you. You can’t force another person to feel the way you want them to feel. If you don’t get the result you want, you must be open to letting go.

What does this program include?

The Mend The Marriage online course includes a 200+ page eBook, a 4 hour audio course, a 7 part video series, worksheets to assist couples, plus 3 free bonuses. That’s what I call comprehensive – there’s almost nothing missing.

The course covers the whole gamut of what it takes to mend a marriage.

Here is a summary of the 3 additional bonus eBooks that I found particularly useful

A Guide to Money Problems
Nothing ruins a marriage more than financial problems.

How many arguments in a marriage are about finances? It can be so draining – both emotionally and sexually.

Brad Browning uses this guide to help couples whose financial problems are festering, so that you don’t hate each other, stop being intimate and lose your mind.

Infidelity Survival Guide
Trust and fidelity are the cornerstones of marriage, or so it seems.

But let’s be honest, in a world full of choices, fidelity and loyalty aren’t easy for either gender. This guide is the ultimate must-read for those who find both problematic.

Browning teaches couples not to assume that their significant other is having an affair, because you could be very wrong. He also reveals that most affairs go undetected overall, so you may think you’re happily married when you’re not.

The truth is indeed the truth!

Finally, just because your partner is cheating on you sexually does not necessarily mean that he/she does not love you. Often the loss of intimacy in a relationship can lead to adultery, which has nothing to do with you as a person.

The Children and Divorce eBook
Divorce can be really hard on children and can affect them through adolescence and adulthood.

This thoughtful eBook takes couples through the various stages of divorce and how this relates to the emotional impact on children. Brad also addresses how parents often play the victim scenario.

No parent wants their divorce or temporary break-up to affect their children psychologically for the rest of their lives. Browning teaches couples how to avoid this tragic outcome.

Click here to view Mending Marriages.
How much does Mend The Marriage cost?
The cost of Mend The Marriage is $49.95.

Included in the price are the main eBook, video, audio and the bonuses mentioned above.

Now, $49.95 isn’t pocket change, but considering all the resources you get, I think it’s well worth it. If it can help improve (or even save) your marriage, then the price will be quickly forgotten.

Benefits of the Mending Marriage Program
Here’s what I like most about the Mending Marriages course

Unlike many relationship courses aimed at women, this online course is designed for both women and men, as it should be!
The course is easy to understand and easy to put into practice.
The full program includes an eBook, videos, audio and plenty of bonuses. When I went to sign up, I didn’t expect Brad Browning to offer so many resources to help save my marriage. I was impressed.
Mend the Marriage outlines every possible obstacle to marriage you can think of and urges couples to be aware of their failures in the relationship.
No need to shell out thousands of dollars to see a therapist!
It comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee. This makes it a risk-free purchase.
Disadvantages
While I have found this program to be very effective for my own marriage, my Mending Marriage review won’t be complete unless I touch on the things I don’t like about it.

Some of the advice offered by Brad Browning tends to be generalised and set out in simple terms. Great in theory, but perhaps not in practice. Many marriages have layers and layers of deeper problems. I’m not sure Browning’s advice would be helpful for more complex marital issues.
This online course is only available in digital format, which is a real shame for people who prefer to read tangible books, or for those who are not online or tech savvy.
Does Mend The Marriage work?
Mend The Marriage will help couples who are willing to put in the effort. There are certainly some interesting insights in this online program that can help you change destructive behaviours.

The program is also good at holding individuals accountable for their actions, which I believe is very useful for long-term relationship recovery.

While I was travelling through the program, miracles certainly began to happen in my own marriage as I stopped playing the blame game and identifying as a victim. As Browning keeps pointing out, victimhood is a very dangerous narrative.

Being a victim really gets you nowhere.

Implementing change in relationships and sticking to it can be difficult, but if you are committed to improving your relationship then Browning’s expert advice can certainly help you.

Click here to view Mending Marriage.
Mending Marriage’ review. My Review

Thank you for reading my review of Mending Marriage.

I like the Mending Marriages program because it demonstrates the narrative that often unfolds in unsuccessful marriages. The online program examines ways to fix problems that arise in a relationship. Browning’s advice is a powerful weapon for men and women trying to mend their broken ones.

The online course may not be the same as a one-on-one session with a counsellor or relationship psychologist, but it is still a worthwhile addition to any marriage that is slowly tearing itself apart.

If you don’t like it or it doesn’t work for you personally, then a 60-day money-back guarantee ensures that the purchaser of the course is covered.

Obviously, no book, online course or therapist’s course can guarantee that your marriage will be saved. Sometimes relationships really are irreparable and it’s wise to move on.

But if you do feel there is hope and you are willing to try with your partner, then Mending Marriage would be a great course to take.

Click here to grab a copy of Mend The Marriage.

Mend The Marriage Reviews

My rating. 4.5 out of 5
4.5/5
What I liked.
Helpful for marriages going through common issues.
Easy to practice tips
Designed for women and men
No need to spend thousands of dollars to see a therapist.
What I don’t know
Not very useful if you have deep-seated problems in your marriage.
E-book only (no hardcover)
Synopsis
Mending Marriage by Brad Browning is a powerful weapon for women and men trying to mend a struggling marriage.

This online program is comprehensive, but also easy to follow. While some marriages may indeed require one-on-one help from a counsellor, this guide offers practical solutions to many of the common problems experienced in marriage.

Buy from the official website
If you have found value in this review, please consider clicking on the links in this article (such as the button above) to purchase the program. It helps keep the lights on in the spirit of hacking and food on the table for all of us writers!

Officially priced at $49.95

New Free eBook. Attraction Triggers

Want to know how to get a man to fall in love with you and commit for the long haul?

Then check out our free eBook Attraction Triggers.

This eBook contains everything you need to know about the predictable patterns that make men fall in love.

Most importantly, it will teach you practical techniques to activate these triggers in your man so that you can build a successful long-term relationship.

Check it out here.

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I am a poet with a positive outlook on life and a writer with a purpose. I write in order to express my thoughts so that others may be inspired.

Health, Meditation, Mindful living, Science, Self-improvement.
How to stop worrying …… Even in times of uncertainty.
By Lachlan BrownLachlan Brown
March 26th, 2020 at 3:39 am
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Feeling more worried and anxious than usual?

You are not alone.

Anxiety thrives on uncertainty.

And, as the coronavirus spreads and society is turned upside down, our unanswered questions our unanswered questions can make us feel vulnerable or fearful. can make us feel vulnerable or fearful.

“Will it come to my community?” “Am I in danger?” “Will I lose my job?”

Now don’t get me wrong.

Worry and anxiety is actually useful when it sharpens our cognitive responses and prompts us to act. After all, it’s part of our programming as human beings.

Even the calmest, most collected person can feel worried from time to time.

But worry can also take on a shape of its own and become more harmful than beneficial.

So in this article I thought I would explain how worrying affects your physical mind and body, and some actionable techniques on how to turn your excess mental energy into something more productive and positive.

Why do we worry and why worrying isn’t always so bad?

The first thing we need to understand is that worrying is a normal part of life.

We experience anxiety and stress at important times – job interviews, critical tests, life-changing social confrontations.

We worry because the mind understands that, unlike the vast majority of moments that make up our lives, an upcoming event will fundamentally determine the state of your life.

Whether this is true or not, the mind believes this, making anxiety about a minor problem as real as anxiety about a more serious one.

But despite what many people think, worrying is not necessarily a bad thing. We all worry to some extent, and that worry can help us achieve the outcomes we most want.

For example

Worrying about exams may make a person study more; worrying about interviews may make them more prepared.

And worrying about catching a coronavirus may prompt us to take action to protect ourselves by washing our hands more often, keeping our distance from others and staying at home.

It is when worry becomes excessive that we begin to observe that there is something wrong with the way worry manifests itself.

Negative manifestations of worry include, in addition to general anxiety and stress.

  • Worrying so much that it prevents you from engaging or participating in your worries
  • Worrying so much that the body develops a strong stress response that negatively affects one’s physical and mental health.
  • Worrying so much to avoid the source of anxiety that it causes self-harm.

I have personally experienced these manifestations. The worst bit is that you know your worry is excessive, but you can’t help it.

It’s like a tornado in your mind that feeds on itself.

Fortunately, there are ways to put limits on worry and even shape it to help you, rather than allowing it to grow into a negative and potentially harmful habit.

However, a person must learn to put a cap on their worry and shape it to help them, rather than allowing their worry to grow into negative and potentially harmful habits.

How to stop yourself from spiralling

Image credit: Shutterstock – By nd3000
Episodes of anxiety rarely subside to a neutral state. Instead of taking the time to breathe and relax, most of us will spiral and think the worst about our situation.

Once you start to descend under the pit of negative thoughts, controlling your thoughts is simply impossible, so much so that once you start to worry, the spiral feels inevitable.

However, the spiral doesn’t have to be the final destination.

You can do some mental exercises to catch yourself before your thoughts get any worse.

To help yourself get back on track, it is worthwhile to do some mental exercises to recalibrate your mental capacity and give you better control over your thought processes.

1) Understand the source of your anxiety
Questions to ask yourself.

Why do I feel this way?
What parts of the problem do I feel are beyond my control?
At what point did I start to spiral?
People say that overthinking is the last thing you should do when experiencing a panic attack, but doing so can also help clear the fog and put the problem in a logical, practical way.

Therefore, dissecting your thoughts is the first step to stopping the spiral. Instead of looking at the real or perceived problem as a huge thing, try to solve it piece by piece.

Take apart the individual elements that make up the problem and ask yourself which parts create anxiety and worry.

At the end of this exercise you will have a better understanding of your situation, allowing you to easily navigate your emotions and reactions.

2) Accept that the past is behind you
Things to tell yourself.

Worrying won’t change anything, at this point, so why bother?
There are other things that are within my control and I will focus on that.
A mistake/event/problem doesn’t define who I am.
Ultimately, worrying is really just a reaction, a coping mechanism we use to try to mitigate a situation by taking control of our thoughts.

But we need to remember that this is never a solution. Worry only widens the scope of the problem and makes it more visible; it does not help to solve it.

Sometimes the outcome is permanent and there is no choice but to move forward.

It is pointless to worry about things you can never change; you are just wasting your energy reliving something that has already happened.

A quote from the Dalai Lama illustrates this point well.

“If a problem is solvable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no point in worrying about it. If it can’t be solved, then worrying won’t help. There’s no benefit to worrying.”

Instead of figuring out the hundreds of different situations that could happen, it’s better to accept the very real situation that has happened and try to move forward and do better next time.

This is something that I struggled to understand years ago when I was struggling with anxiety.

Instead of struggling with my anxiety, I needed to learn to accept it for what it was.

(You can read my story about how studying Buddhist teachings changed my life here).

It’s really about internalising how permanent the situation is and accepting that no amount of worry or anxiety will change the outcome, so why persist in worrying?

3) Start figuring out your choices
Questions to ask yourself.

What’s the best/worst case scenario, and how do I continue in both situations?
What is my back-up plan if things don’t work out?
How do I make sure I don’t hit rock bottom in case things don’t work out?
Scientists believe that our tendency to focus more on negative thoughts than positive ones may be an involuntary cognitive process after all.

The phenomenon of negative bias explains why humans are more inclined to negative thoughts, suggesting that it is hard-wired into our evolution as a protection against the worst-case scenario.

However, what is supposed to be a proactive, protective defence protocol can easily turn into a paralysing disease.

Once we think of the worst-case scenario, we convince ourselves to postpone dealing with the problem or situation altogether in order to avoid having to face reality.

But this doesn’t really do anything but postpone confrontation. Problems don’t go away just because you choose to walk away.

Again, you only feel stuck because you’ve put yourself in the worst possible situation. Instead of staying there, force yourself to imagine a life beyond the problem and start figuring out how to get there.

Remember that every point in your life, no matter how bad, can be a starting point.

As long as you don’t let worry envelop and guide your life, you can turn every bad situation around by preparing practical steps on how to overcome the worst of it.

4) Meditation
Meditation has long been known to reduce stress and achieve a calm state of mind.

Meditation can lower your heart rate and blood pressure, which are known to be physiological signs of stress.

The good news is that anyone can practise meditation.

Here are 4 steps to get you started with your practice

1) Choose a time and place that is free of distractions and interruptions.

2) Make yourself comfortable.

Find a physical position that allows you to relax and be comfortable.

3) Try to get into a relaxed, passive mental attitude. Let your mind go blank.

If thoughts and worries arise, acknowledge them and then go back to trying to relax and be thought-free.

4) Concentrate on a mental device.

You can use a mantra, or a simple word, and keep repeating it. Or you can stare at a fixed object. Whatever it is, the goal is to focus on something so that you can block out thoughts and distractions.

Over time, you will become better at focusing your mind on whatever you choose during meditation.

For example, elite Buddhist monks can focus their minds on one object for hours without distraction.

When I started, I could barely manage 20 seconds! Now I can do 10-20 minutes a day and I can say without a doubt that my concentration has improved dramatically.

If you want to learn more mindfulness techniques that can help you focus and calm down, check out my e-book. The Art of Mindfulness. A Practical Guide to Living in the Moment.

In this e-book you will get simple, actionable techniques that you can put into practice straight away.

I’ll guide you through your first meditation and give you some straightforward and powerful exercises to help you be more mindful every day.

5) Remember all the other times you feel anxious.
Things to tell yourself.

I’ve been through a similar situation before and things have gone better than I thought they would.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened and I will get over it like I did last time.
In a year’s time this problem won’t seem so big.
The impermanence of life is a blessing in disguise. We may not be able to hold on to the things we like, like security, stability and confidence, but it also means that the bad moments won’t haunt you for the rest of your life.

In the midst of worry, we tend to forget that life runs in a cycle of good and bad, and sometimes the only way to weather the storm is to ride it out.

When it comes to uncontrollable worries, you need to be realistic and remember all your previous worries.

It’s a good reminder that what you were worried about a year ago doesn’t matter today, and that issue won’t matter a year from now.

6) Be wary of automatic thoughts
The question to ask yourself.

When I am at a good point in my life, do I still feel this way about myself?
Do I have a tendency to make myself feel worse when I am at a low point?
Do I usually have so much doubt about myself?
When we worry, negative affirmations like “I’m a failure”, “I don’t have what it takes to succeed” and “I’ll never be good enough” come up easily.

But even though the worry is temporary, the words we say to ourselves during bouts of difficulty are permanent.

Whatever negative things you say about yourself are bound to chip away at your self-confidence and affect you even after you stop worrying.

So whenever you start hearing these automatic doubts in your head, remember that they are not constant, but only because you are worrying.

Realise that whatever you feel about yourself right now is impermanent and that you an event or problem does not define you as a person.

7) Breathing exercises
Simple breathing exercises can also help reduce stress and increase relaxation.

Fast, erratic breathing is a common result of stress. However, slow, deep, regular breathing is a sign of relaxation.

If you learn to control your breathing to mimic relaxation, the effect can be very relaxing.

For me, breathing exercises are at the top of the list of the most important habits I have developed in my life.

I have been doing them consistently for 6 years now and they have helped me to improve my ability to control my reactions and calm myself down.

The good news?

There are many breathing techniques you can adopt into your life, from the most basic to the more advanced.

In my e-book, A Nonsense Guide to Using Buddhist Philosophy to Create a Better Life, I outline my favourite breathing and meditation techniques. If you want to delve into these techniques, as well as learn more about Buddhist philosophy, you can check out my book here.

For now, here’s how you can quickly fall into deep breathing

1) Breathe slowly and deeply while focusing on the up and down movement of your abdomen.
2) Hold your breath for 4 seconds.
3) Exhale, thinking about how relaxed it is, for 6 seconds.
4) Repeat this sequence 5 to 10 times, focusing on slow, deep breathing.

This is a great way to reduce stress and you can do it for as long as you like. Another benefit is that you can do it anywhere you like.

Here’s a video that explains the neuroscience behind why tuning in to your senses can be effective in tuning your mind to the present moment.

“Turning Worrying Into Productivity”
At the end of the day, worry is just an excess of mental energy and, like any energy, you can turn it into something more positive and productive.

Here’s a list of actionable things you can do each day to turn your nervous energy into something else.

1) Do a physical activity
A great way to take a break from your unproductive worry is to physically move away from the situation.

When we are anxious, we are filled with negative energy that makes us restless. Instead of using this energy to fuel your worries, consider channeling it into physical activity.

Everything from going to the gym to reorganising your wardrobe is a great way to engage your brain in physical activity.

To get the most out of your time, it’s a good idea to do something that requires concentration and a mind-body connection so that you are simultaneously training your brain to be more aware of the activity at hand, which forces your mind to focus on the task at hand.

Things you can do. Hike, lift weights, use a hula hoop or jump rope, follow an online choreography, do yoga, rearrange your room, do sprint intervals, plank for as long as possible.

2) Bring your thoughts into focus
Mental deficits don’t always require a spiritual solution. You can interact with the world around you, engage your physical senses and bring you back to earth.

Focusing your thoughts involves using your senses of sight, smell, touch, hearing and taste to force your brain to focus on the here and now.

The idea of Five Senses Medication is to focus on an event or phenomenon and experience it vividly through the five senses.

Let’s say you are taking a shower. There is no doubt that this is such a normal part of your day that you are on autopilot while you are doing it.

During the meditation, pay close attention to the prattling of the water on your skin. is it warm? Is it cold?

Next, listen to the sound of the water drops falling on the bathroom floor. Try to distinguish each drop of water that falls. Lather yourself up with shampoo – what does it smell like? Watch the bubbles form from the mere liquid.

Finally, brush your teeth as you have done many times before – what does your toothpaste taste like? Did you get all the minty notes, maybe some fruity undertones?

Doing this exercise whenever you feel a bit uninhibited will keep you from drifting off completely. By focusing on the here and now, you are training your mind to stay relaxed, calm and aware.

3) Do something creative
If you don’t feel like doing anything physical, there are other ways to turn your nervous energy into productivity.

Most people feel their most creative in moments of tension, sadness or disappointment. Instead of dwelling on your worries, harvest these raw emotions and do something poetic with them.

Maybe you can finally start that book project you’ve been thinking about, or maybe you can write a short poem.

Whatever you choose to do, this new activity is sure to help you redirect those excess mental energies elsewhere. Who knows, you might pick up a new hobby along the way.

Things you can do Focus on an object and describe it with your five senses Go eat, pay attention to each bite, make a list of the objects around you, go for a walk and interact with your environment.

4) Keep a diary of your emotions
Writing down every thought and emotion you have is beneficial for two reasons: a) you are able to reflect on your experiences in the moment and b) you can use these notes as a reference for the future.

Journaling is useful for chronic worriers because they tend to forget about their other realities. Worry can lead you to believe that your life is not satisfactory.

Having a diary will remind you that life isn’t as bad as you think it is right now. Whenever you feel desolate, you can have a more accurate picture of your life by reading old entries.

For me, writing always helps my mind to slow down and structure the information in my head. It allows me to understand my emotions so that I can accept them.

Keeping a diary helps you to express your painful feelings in a safe environment. No one will read what you write.

You may be angry, or sad. Whatever it is you are feeling, let it out. Process those feelings.

If you want to know how to start journaling, try asking these three questions.

How am I feeling?
What am I doing?
What would I like to change about my life?

These questions will give you insight into your emotions and prompt you to think about the future.

Writing down what you want to change gives you the ultimate responsibility to change your life.

Knowing that you hold the cards to create a better life is empowering. You don’t need to rely on others to take responsibility for your life and shape its direction.

The importance of controlling your worries
Repeat after me: worrying doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can be the only thing that motivates you to move forward and do better in life.

On the other hand, it can also be something that paralyses you and hurts your self-confidence.

Worry in itself is not harmful to the human spirit; it is the uncontrolled, uncontrolled forms of worry that eat away at your self-confidence and sense of hope.

While you can’t stop yourself from worrying, you need to remember that you don’t have to be a slave to your emotions either.

Give yourself time and space to worry about a situation, but don’t let it consume you for the rest of the day.

Instead of letting it control you, use worry to motivate yourself to create a better version of yourself.

Worry shouldn’t make you a weak person – it should help you imagine a life that is bigger than what you have now and push you to achieve that reality.

New free eBook. Attraction Triggers

Want to know how to get a man to fall in love with you and commit for the long term?

Then check out our free eBook Attraction Triggers.

This eBook contains everything you need to know about the predictable patterns that make men fall in love.

Most importantly, it will teach you practical techniques to activate these triggers in your man so that you can build a successful long-term relationship.

Check it out here.

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I’m Lachlan Brown, founder and editor of Hack Spirit. I enjoy writing practical articles that help others to live mindful and better lives. I have a postgraduate degree in psychology and have been reading and researching all practical approaches to human psychology and the hacker mindset for the past 6 years. If you would like to get in touch with me, please connect with me on Twitter or Facebook.

Living wisely
Courses and books to improve yourself when you’re stuck at home
By Lachlan BrownLachlan Brown
March 24th, 2020 at 5:23 am
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The only thing people care about right now is the coronavirus.

Our world is, indeed, in crisis and there will be more suffering in the future. Maybe even a lot of suffering.

It is a very difficult time. There is no way out.

I honestly don’t know what will happen, how long this will last, or when things will return to normal.

I’m not here to tell you that “everything will be fine.”

My heart goes out to everyone who has been affected by this pandemic and I hope you can stay safe and smart.

But what I do know is this…

Many of us will be spending a lot more time at home.

As boring as this may be, it provides an opportunity for us to learn new skills.

The world may be at a standstill, but that doesn’t mean our brains should be too.

It is easy to get lost in the doom and gloom, but let’s take a different perspective.

Let’s aim to be a better person when all this madness is over.

One of the best ways to achieve this when we are stuck at home is through online courses.

I’ve been obsessed with online education for years, so I’m going to go through the best courses I’ve ever taken.

I hope they will help you as much as they have helped me.

I’ve also included the best articles from the Hacker Spirit blog to consume in case you don’t want to spend money on a course or book.

  1. Drill down into MasterClass

When it comes to online education, there is nothing more famous than MasterClass.

It’s basically the Netflix of online education.

They have some of the most famous instructors in the world teaching their exact craft.

For example.

Malcolm Gladwell teaches writing
Chris Hadfield teaches space exploration
Christina Aguilera teaches singing
Gordon Ramsay teaches cooking
Deadmau5 teaches electronic dance music.
There’s much more to come.

If you watch some of the videos, or even the trailer, you’ll understand why I say it’s the Netflix of education.

The production quality of it is just great!

You can easily binge watch all the videos in a day.

The best bit?

It’s more educational than binge watching Netflix.

After all, you’re actually learning valuable life skills while you’re watching.

Sounds great, doesn’t it?

Now I’m sure you’re wondering: how much does it cost?

It’s $90 per class. But MasterClass also offers an “All Access Pass” that gives you unlimited access to all their classes for $180 per year.

Good news.

If you change your mind, you can get a full refund within 30 days.

Over the past few years, I have taken almost every MasterClass course available.

Now that I’m in self-imposed isolation, I’m going through them all again.

I have also put together this comprehensive review of MasterClass so that you can decide if they are right for you.

Click here to see my MasterClass review.

If you want to go straight to MasterClass now, click here.

  1. The Uncompromising Life by Marisa Peale
    This is an online hypnotherapy and mindfulness course taught by the great psychologist Marisa Peer.

As the founder of Hack Spirit (a website about mindfulness and self-improvement), I am obsessed with online educational courses that inspire you to change your life.

And I can honestly say that this is one of the most detailed and insightful courses I have ever taken. (You can read my review of the course here).

The Uncompromising Life course is all about taking responsibility for yourself and keeping your mind focused on what is important to you.

Marisa’s philosophy is simply to maximise your potential by unlocking your subconscious thoughts and becoming more aware of your actions.

It really is a great combination.

If you want to learn more about Marisa’s philosophy, you can start with her TedTalk titled “Going Beyond Your Limits by Training Your Mind”.

This material is a great introduction to what Marisa is like as a lecturer and psychologist, and can give you an idea of what to expect in her extensive courses.

This is it.

So, if you’re wondering if “Living Without Compromise” is for you, you should definitely consider the course if.

You have a pattern of failure in relationships and at work and want to discover why it keeps happening.
You are struggling with addictions (food, cigarettes, alcohol, shopping) and want to improve your life.
You have a tendency to self-sabotage or shut down and want to control these self-sabotaging habits.
You are crippled by fear and anxiety and don’t know how to move forward
You are suffering from trauma and want to move on from the past.
Marisa’s clients may be made up of the 1%, but her sessions are all about bringing these mindfulness tips and teachings closer to the average person.

This is great for you and for me.

The great thing about this course is that it will strengthen your foundation as a person, whether you have a specific problem or not.

The Uncompromising Life is a great resource that you can purchase for personal use or as a gift for a friend.

There is also a free masterclass that you can get a lot out of as well. If you are sceptical, I suggest you check it out first. Click here to check out Maria Peer’s free masterclass.

It is a perfect introduction to mindfulness, hypnotherapy and subliminal awareness and a complementary resource for students of psychology, health and mental health.

To purchase the course, please view it here.

  1. The No-Nonsense Guide to Using Buddhism and Eastern Philosophy to Make Life Better

Now, I may be a bit biased and this may be a bit self-promotional, but check out my eBook. A No-Nonsense Guide to Using Buddhism and Eastern Philosophy for a Better Life.

I spent a lot of time writing it and I’m really pleased with how it turned out. (You can read my story about how Buddhist philosophy changed my life here).

My book filters out the mystery of Eastern philosophies and shows you how to practically use their wisdom to improve your life.

There is no fluff. No nonsense. Just actionable advice.

By studying the lessons in this e-book, my aim is to make you realise that you don’t have to travel to remote caves, mountains or deserts to achieve a sense of tranquillity.

The relaxed, quiet confidence you seek is already within you. All you have to do is tap into it.

In my book, you’ll discover the core ingredients for achieving happiness anywhere, at any time, through.

  • Creating a state of mind The whole day
  • Learning how to meditate
  • Cultivating healthier relationships
  • Healing from pain and trauma
  • Free yourself from intrusive negative thoughts.

While I focus primarily on Buddhist teachings in the book – especially as they relate to mindfulness and meditation – I also offer key insights and ideas from Taoism, Jainism, Sikhism and Hinduism.

Think of it this way.

I’ve taken 5 of the world’s most powerful philosophies for achieving happiness and captured their most relevant and valid teachings, while filtering out the confusing jargon.

I’ve then shaped them into a highly practical, easy to follow guide to improve your life.

Check it out here and let me know what you think.

  1. ‘Thinking Outside the Box’ (Rudá Iandê)

This is another of my favourite online courses, taught by the wise Brazilian shaman Rudá Iandê.

Out of the Box is about discovering who you really are and releasing your true self.

It really helped me to face some of the limiting beliefs that were holding me back.

Instead of hiding from my insecurities and anxieties, I learned to face them and, most importantly, accept them.

To be honest, it wasn’t easy at the time, but looking back, I can’t express how much it changed my life.

Accepting your anxieties and your fears is vital to living a full and peaceful life.

What I like about Out of the Box is that it is not your typical ‘new age’ show.

For example, if you listen to most so-called ‘New Age gurus’ they will tell you to stop thinking negatively at all costs, avoid your anxieties and fears and be as optimistic as possible.

On the surface, this sounds good, but it doesn’t really help you to improve yourself and your life.

Why is that?

Because you can’t avoid reality. Pretending that everything is bright and positive won’t do you any good in the long run.

Rudá Iandê will take you on a journey that will challenge all your notions about yourself and your life.

It is a powerful approach for those who want to face their inner beasts, look them straight in the eye and make friends with them.

You will be given the knowledge and tools to free your mind from all the spiritual, religious, ideological and educational nonsense that limits you so that you can unleash your personal power, unlock your creativity, live an authentic life and connect deeply with your true nature.

You can also gain a ton of insightful and valuable knowledge in his free masterclasses here.

For the full course, click here.

  1. free resources from hackspirit.com
    Now I realise that the above courses or books cost money and it’s no secret that many of us are going through tough times at the moment.

So I’ve compiled all the articles on Hack Spirit that I’m most proud of and that will help you live a more mindful life.

I’ve broken them down into different topics so you can filter out what interests you most.

Calm your mind and reduce anxiety and stress.

  • How to stop overthinking: 10 effective tips
  • How to stop worrying: 9 tips to get your mind back on track.
  • How to deal with negative emotions. 10 things you need to remember
  • Emotional dullness. 8 tell-tale signs and 7 useful remedies

Life tips you can implement when you’re stuck at home.

  • I tried intermittent fasting for a month. Here’s what happened.
  • I tried Tom Brady’s TB 12 method diet. Here’s what happened.
  • 18 no-nonsense tips to (finally) make your life better.
  • How to be more productive: 18 effective tips to make your work more efficient.
  • The ultimate cheat sheet for meditation for beginners.

Relationship tips

  • How to get over someone. 11 no-bullshit tips
  • How to make a relationship work. 10 no-bullshit tips
  • How to deal with a narcissist when you’re stuck at home with them.
  • Is your man pulling away? Don’t make this big mistake
  • In a relationship with a narcissist? The advice you need to hear

Mindfulness tips

  • How to Love Yourself 15 Steps to Believe in Yourself Again
  • How to clear your mind. 10 no-nonsense tips (backed by research)
  • Unconventional self-improvement: 8 toxic beliefs to get rid of!
  • 3 Mindful Breathing Exercises
  • Unconventional Self-Improvement: 8 Toxic Beliefs to Get Rid of!

New free eBook. Attraction Triggers

Want to know how to get a man to fall in love with you and commit for the long term?

Then check out our free eBook Attraction Triggers.

This eBook contains everything you need to know about the predictable patterns that make men fall in love.

Most importantly, it will teach you practical techniques to activate these triggers in your man so that you can build a successful long-term relationship.

Check it out here.

Like us on Facebook!
Thank you so much for stopping by Hacker Spirit. I hope you enjoyed reading this article.

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Author: Lachlan Brown
I’m Lachlan Brown, founder and editor of Hack Spirit. I enjoy writing practical articles that help others to live mindful and better lives. I have a postgraduate degree in psychology and have been reading and researching all practical approaches to human psychology and the hacker mindset for the past 6 years. If you would like to get in touch with me, please connect with me on Twitter or Facebook.

Living Wisely
The Ex Factor review (2020). Can it help you get your ex back?
By Lachlan BrownLachlan Brown
March 23rd, 2020 at 4:10 am
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(This review contains affiliate links, which means I earn a commission if you end up buying the book. However, that doesn’t stop me from sharing the good and the bad of it. You can read my full affiliate disclosure here).

Let’s face it: breaking up sucks.

It’s a horrible experience that makes you question your self-worth, your potential future, everything! It completely turns your plans for the future upside down and can leave you in a dark place.

Sometimes, breaking up is for the best. But other times, breaking up is the wrong move. You’re meant to be together – and you’ll both be happier together in the long run.

If this is you, then it’s time to get your ex back.

That’s why The Ex Factor exists. The Ex Factor is a digital program to help you get your ex back.

But how effective is it?

I’ve read the book in its entirety and in this comprehensive The Ex Factor review, I’ll give you my no-nonsense, unbiased opinion on whether it’s worth buying.

Let’s start with a few words.

What is The Ex Factor?

Ex Factor is a dating strategy designed by Brad Browning that shows you how to win back your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend.

It is divided into two different courses: one for women looking to win back their ex-boyfriends and one for men looking to win back their ex-girlfriends. There is no course for same-sex couples.

The Ex Factor is based around a PDF e-book which is just under 200 pages. It has about a dozen chapters of step-by-step advice on how to develop strategies to win back your ex-girlfriend.

The book is enhanced by a video series as well as an audiobook version of the PDF. In addition to this, you can also purchase an upgraded version which contains an additional set of audiobooks and videos that target specific elements of a relationship, such as preventing breakups or the science of why people cheat.

The main thing to remember is that it’s all online. Videos, eBooks, the whole lot. This is a dedicated online program that you purchase access to.

Watch the EX FACTOR video
Who is Brad Browning?

Brad Browning is a breakup and divorce coach.

His career revolves around helping people through breakups and reconciling relationships. He runs a popular YouTube channel with around 500,000 subscribers where he advises people on how to maintain and improve their romantic relationships.

He also lists his shoe size on his ‘About Me’ because it’s worth it. He also says that he is (happily) married.

Brad is the real deal when it comes to relationship advice, especially when it comes to winning back your ex.

Who is The Ex Factor for?

The Ex Factor is for a very specific person: a man or woman who has broken up with someone and legitimately believes that the break-up was a mistake.

This book details a series of psychological, flirtatious and (some would say) sneaky steps that a person can take to get their ex back.

This is not a book for someone who wants to use a breakup to become a more self-actualised person. This is not a book for people who want to see how their ex is dragging them down. Nor is this a book to help couples with counselling.

This is a book with one goal: to help you win your ex back.

If you’ve been broken up with and you want to take concrete steps to make your ex feel like “hey, that guy was actually amazing and I made a mistake”, then this is the book for you.

That’s the heart of this project: getting your ex to say “I made a huge mistake”.

Watch the EX FACTOR video
Overview of The Ex Factor

The course is centred around the book itself.” The Ex Factor”. In reviewing The Ex Factor, I was given access to a guide for women.

So, what does the guide look like?

The first part of the guide details the reasons for breakups. The reasons given are all things like “you’re too controlling, you’re not attractive enough, etc.”, which I found a little surprising.

None of the reasons listed were things like “you’re not compatible” or “he wants kids and you don’t” or any of the dozens of valid reasons why people break up.

The Ex Factor can be described more as a form of “tough love”. You’re not interesting enough. You nag too much.

And it’s probably true – if someone breaks up with you, then there’s a reason they’re not entirely happy with you.

The book relies quite heavily on generalizations and stereotypes, but hey, there’s a reason for generalizations. I mean, Brad dispenses advice like “men like sports.” And most of us like it.

So, what I’m saying is that The Ex Factor leans heavily on straightforward, sex-focused advice.

For example, Brad has a chapter on “What’s Attractive” and leads with “Being Feminine”. This is often true; men find femininity attractive. Biologically speaking, this is a valid strategy.

But don’t expect a lot of personalisation; that’s not the game of The Ex Factor.

What does it cover?
So The Ex Factor (over the course of about 15 chapters) starts with the following.

What men (or women) find attractive
What they don’t find attractive
Rules of non-contact
Dating someone else out of jealousy
How to seduce your ex again
Restarting your sex life
How to prevent a break-up.
The ex factor revolves around the “no contact rule”, a 30-day window of “no contact” where you, the person who has been broken up with, cannot initiate contact at all.

Basically, this rule is there to protect you. It helps you reset your brain, decide if you really want to go through with winning your ex back, and helps you build up your self-worth.

It helps prevent your ex from coming back to you during a breakup and using you as an emotional crutch that he/she can dispose of when no longer needed.

Breakups are a vulnerable time and it’s easy to jump at the first text from your ex. However, The Ex Factor holds “do not contact” sacred. 30 days (or 31 days, however long the month is).

After that, The Ex Factor details how you can respond or initiate contact. It focuses specifically on creating a non-dating ‘date’, where you use a series of mental and physical tricks to convince your ex that you don’t need to, while also proving to him that damn you’re a good catch.

From here, it pushes on to how to lock down the relationship. A key step is to make sure there’s no sex and that your ex isn’t using you as a sexual outlet before you officially get back together.

It also covers some ‘worst case scenarios’, such as your ex never reaching out to you or responding to your overtures.

Apart from that, the audiobook is only an audio version of the text. The videos detail specific examples and techniques for breaking up, but the main content of The Ex Factor is the e-book.

Watch The Ex Factor video
How much does it cost?
US$47. This is a one-time payment that gives you unlimited access to the eBook, audiobook and supplementary materials.

Is The Ex Factor worth the price?

If you want your ex back and you want to employ some techniques to achieve that goal, then yes, this book is worth it.

If you’re looking for a book that delves into why you broke up, how to better yourself as a person, or how to value how good you are, this isn’t the book for you.

And that’s okay. If a book tries to do too many things, it won’t do them well.

This book is for people who want to get their ex back. And I think it would be a very effective resource to do that.

Pros of The Ex Factor

One time payment
The first benefit is that it’s a one-time payment. Many of these coaching programs only sell access for a limited period of time. Instead of The Ex Factor, The Ex Factor is $47 and you get lifetime access.

That’s good because it promises it will work – you get a tin 60 day money back guarantee.

47 is not pocket money. But if you still love your ex – and want them back – then this is a no-brainer investment.

Easy-to-follow steps
The guide is very simple. It gives you frank advice that you can easily follow. It also doesn’t cost much to implement. After you buy the book, you don’t need to buy the supporting elements.

Real world examples
Brad includes letters written by real people to Brad detailing specific breakup-related issues. He then includes responses on how to handle these situations.

This is a nice touch.

Includes an audio version
I really appreciated this option. The e-book is in PDF format and is easily accessible on many devices. Nonetheless, if you want to listen to it on the go, the alternate audiobook version is a great option.

Brad is honest.
The Ex Factor doesn’t shy away from being upfront about what men and women are attracted to. While it doesn’t allow for deviations from the general rules, it addresses head-on that there are elements of physical attraction and general courtship that are invaluable in a relationship.

The book encourages breakups to lean towards pre-dating seduction strategies.

The Ex Factor won’t let you wallow in it
This book is great in that it gives you positive solutions. Breakups are a tough time and it’s really good to have a goal when you’re feeling low.

Cons of The Ex Factor
Any review of The Ex Factor wouldn’t be honest if it didn’t point out the less than stellar aspects of the book. Here are those things.

Tips and strategies
I’m a fan of The Ex Factor because I think it works.

However, I was a little disappointed by it: the advice is largely based on tips and strategies for winning your ex back. It’s not about seeing if you’re compatible with your ex.

This doesn’t mean that the tips and strategies Brad presents in The Ex Factor won’t be effective. I found myself agreeing with many of them.

It’s just unfortunate that this book treats a relationship as the end goal, rather than a state of being that needs to be nurtured.

Denial
This is an example of a technique that Brad uses.

He suggests negging as a dating strategy. It’s like a “backhanded compliment” that will make your ex more attractive to you.

Now, this may work, but it’s not great either.

Brad believes that negging is a fun and flirty strategy to get your ex back. I just don’t like it.

My verdict.

The ex factor is a niche product. It’s not a guide to getting over your ex, surviving a breakup, learning how to date, or any other element.

It is a guide to winning your ex back. And it’s an impressive one, too.

There aren’t a ton of programs that operate in the “win your ex back” space, so if you want to win your ex back, and you’re committed to winning him/her back, then this is definitely the program for you.

Brad’s specific, step-by-step advice has been developed with one goal in mind: winning your ex back. If you follow these steps specifically, then you have a very good chance of rekindling the relationship.

The Ex Factor does get into some underhanded strategies and it assumes a one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to attraction, breakups and relationships. But if your relationship fits within Brad’s parameters, then you may have great success with this program. The thing.

How to get your ex back permanently – 5 step plan

Make Your Ex Regret The Breakup

Getting your ex back doesn’t have to be difficult. The hard part is keeping them.

After all, they left you once, so what’s to stop them from leaving you again?

What is the point of trying to get your ex back if you can’t keep them permanently?

I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say “hopefully” because I can’t guarantee that you will get your ex back. No one can guarantee that they can. If they say they can, then they are lying.

However, I can guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting back together with your ex will be greatly increased. (Why should you trust me or the advice on this page? Because we have over 11 years of experience and we strive to make all of our information accurate and useful.

Who is this article for?

This article is for anyone who wants to get their ex back. Be it your ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, ex-wife, ex-husband or ex-fiancé. Whether it’s a straight relationship or a gay relationship. If you’ve been through a break-up and are thinking of getting your ex back, then you’ll find this article helpful and insightful.

Note: If you’re looking to get your ex-girlfriend or ex-wife back, we recommend this article with a game plan that focuses more on getting the girl back.

What is this article about?

This article is divided into 5 steps. I did this because this way you have a step-by-step plan that you can follow to get your ex-girlfriend back.

After a breakup, it is important to have a plan that you can follow because you are hurting, emotionally drained and most of all confused. And in this state of confusion you will make many mistakes that will get you back together and hurt your chances of being unhappy.

I’ve seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my 11 years of experience helping people through separation).

Having a plan gives you direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling depressed and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

This article is quite long. It also includes a case study, which you can read by clicking here. We strongly recommend that you read the whole article as it will help you understand not only what you need to do, but why you need to do it.

CONTENT.
Step 1: Stop ruining your chances with neediness, insecurity and desperation.
Step 2: Cut off all contact with your ex. Give your ex what she has been asking for. Separation.
Step 3: While you’re out of contact, work on becoming someone you can be proud of. Become someone who can’t resist your ex-girlfriend.
Step 4: Contact your ex at the right time with the right message (hint: think of an elephant).
Step 5: Meet your ex to build attraction, connection and trust.
But what are these mistakes you keep talking about?

I’m glad you asked, because the first part of this guide is about these mistakes.

Let’s get started. Here’s how I’ve helped many of my clients get their exes back.

Step 1 – Don’t ruin your chances with neediness, insecurity and desperation by avoiding these deadly mistakes (also known as instincts).
I call this part “instinct” because all of these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts.

Most of the advice in this article is counter-intuitive, but it works.

When you read it you will understand why and it will all make sense.

So let’s start with the fatal mistakes you should avoid at all costs.

Fatal Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Her All The Time
Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then I have been messaging him every day and he rarely responds. I have to text him 100 times before he responds even once. I really love him and want to be with him but I don’t understand why he is behaving like this. He told me he loves me and then all of a sudden he acts like this.

This is the story of the majority of people who are desperate to get their ex boyfriends or girlfriends back. It is a big mistake to keep writing letters to your ex or keep calling him. In fact, it is a big mistake to call him even once. Your instincts will tell you that if you keep in touch with your ex, he will remember you and hopefully come back.

In reality, however, this is not the case. In fact, every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them that you are the one they need and that you are unhappy without them. This poverty is unattractive and will drive your ex further away from you.

You need to be very careful when you go out drinking. You may end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So when you go out drinking, make sure you take a friend with you who can prevent you from making that mistake.

But how can you get your ex-girlfriend back if you don’t call or text her?

In order to make her feel attracted to you again, you have to contact her in the right way. I will explain exactly how to do that in the steps that follow below.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging and Trying to Take Advantage of Sympathy
If begging worked after a breakup, no one would ever break up with you again. They have made up their mind to leave you and are not going to go through with your begging and pleading.

Whatever the reason for the break-up, it will not change just because you begged. Begging will only make you look weak and insecure.

In the same way, your instincts will lead you to believe that if you show your ex that you can’t live without him (or that you are unhappy without him), he will take you back.

If you do this, your thought pattern will be

If he knows how unhappy I am without him, he will come back.
If he only knows that I cannot live without him, I will get him back.
Once again, your instincts are playing tricks on you.

Believe me, no one gets their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to unhappy people.

If that’s why your ex came back to you, do you really want him to stay with you out of pity or do you want him to respect and honor you?

Or do you want your ex to respect and love you?

A study conducted by Dr. Catherine Carnell, MS, PhD and Paula Pietromonaco PhD clearly suggests that most people choose a secure partner for a relationship, not an insecure person.

If you take a deep breath and think about it, you will realise that anything that makes you seem insecure will push you away. Begging, constant texting and general desperation are signs of insecurity and will not make your ex feel attracted to you or even think about getting back together.

Fatal Mistake #3: Letting them walk all over you.
Your instincts will tell you that your ex will come back if only you agree to everything they want. Your instincts tell you that your needs, your values, your desires and your goals are unimportant.

Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is getting your ex back. And you are willing to sacrifice anything to do so.

You’ll leave your ex to die, you’ll become a caretaker, you’ll give in to your ex’s ridiculous demands. But your instincts tell you it’s okay. Because the only thing that matters is that you have an ex-girlfriend.

Doormats in Relationships

Well… -Yes.

Even if you agree with everything your ex says, it won’t make him come back. On the contrary, it will only make your ex respect you less.

If you don’t respect yourself, how can he respect you?

No one wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back they will leave you after a short time because they do not respect you as a person.

According to Dr. Ryan Howes and PsychCentral, all healthy relationships have boundaries. And if your relationship doesn’t have boundaries and self-esteem, you’re likely to end up in an unhealthy relationship.

Even if you do manage to get back together with your ex, it will only be an unhealthy relationship and will eventually end again.

Fatal Mistake #4: Showering her with affection.
Your instincts will tell you that your ex will come back if she understands how much you love her and how much you care about her. You have to make her believe that there is no one else in the world who loves her as much as you do.

Once they realise how much you love them, how can they reject you?

Crush your ex-girlfriend

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still choose to break up with you. Whatever their reasons for breaking up with you, they will not magically disappear just because you love them. Your showering them with love will not change their minds.

The more you torment them, the more they feel trapped. This will only make them want to leave you as soon as possible.

Fatal Mistake #5: Freaking out when your EX starts dating.
The thought of your ex dating someone else is extremely uncomfortable. However, it’s actually not as bad as we make it out to be. We’ll talk about this later, but first let’s take a look at your instinctive reaction when you find out that your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything now, they will fall in love with that new person and forget about me forever. You should do all the things mentioned in this article.

I would try everything, including pleading, commiserating, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to their terms (being a doormat). If they don’t open the door, I will go out and call or text them all day.

I need to tell my ex that this new person is totally wrong for her and that she is making some big mistake being made by being in a relationship with this _ (INSERT DEROGATORIC NOTE).

I’m sure you’ll be able to understand what I’m talking about,beats by dre cheap. Most likely you will panic and make all the above mistakes.

The truth is that your ex is most likely to be in a rebound relationship (read: everything you need to know about rebound relationships).

And almost all rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for a lot of people to cope with breakups. Fortunately, it’s one of the least effective ways for you to move on. Just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on.

In fact, it means just the opposite. It means that they find it hard to move on, and as long as they are in that rebound relationship they will avoid sadness. And it means that it will take time for them to get over you.

Rebound relationships
A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It is unhealthy. It gives a false sense of serenity. And it ends when the flame ends. (The more you smoke, the quicker it ends).

The most important thing you can do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is to stay calm.

Whatever happens, don’t tell your ex to leave their rebound partner. Leave them to their own devices.

They have a big hole in their life after they break up with you and they are trying to fill it with someone new.

In most cases they will soon realise that a rebound relationship will not fill the hole and will end the relationship. (Do you think your relationship with him is more than just a rebound relationship? Read about the general pattern of rebound relationships. Or get your ex-girlfriend back when she moves on to a new boyfriend).

Fatal Mistake #6: Name Calling and Anger.
Calling your ex names out of anger or frustration is a common reaction for people who used to call their ex names in arguments. It is also common if the two of you were constantly threatening to break up.

It’s pretty obvious that this will only make your ex feel less attractive to you. Still, if you’re panicking and your instinct is to go into fight or flight mode, it won’t be too obvious.

If you were calling each other names or getting angry when you were fighting, then it’s likely that your instincts want you to do the same thing again when you break up.

Your instincts want you to believe that this is just a fight or an argument. And if you show your ex that you’re angry, he will calm down and tell you that he wants to get back together.

Just like you did when you fought.

This rarely works. If your ex is serious about leaving you, getting angry will only make him think that he was right to leave you.

Getting angry will remind her of all the bad fights and arguments that are slowly but surely eating away at the foundation of your relationship.

It will remind you not to let the two of you get together and make them feel that you are not the right person for them.

Case Study: Toxic Relationship Ends, Healthy Relationship Reborn
Fatal mistake #7: Obsession and misunderstanding
The obsessive thoughts that come after a bad breakup are perhaps the worst part of it.

Your mind is racing, trying to find the best way to get your ex back as quickly as possible.

Your mind wants a definite plan. You want a guarantee that things will work out with your ex in the future.

It asks you questions such as

“Will my ex ever come back?”
“Does my ex miss me?”
“Does he still love me?”
“What should I do now?”
“Am I going to date anyone anymore?”
“If he went on a date, does that mean it’s over?”
“He looked happy in the picture he posted on Instagram, does that mean he’s forgotten about me?”
“My ex added me on Snapchat. Does that mean he wants to get back together? Does that mean he wants me to get back in touch with him?”
If you write down all these questions that keep popping into your head, you will find that these questions are pretty much useless.

This is because it is impossible to know the correct answer to these questions. You or someone else can only guess the answers to these questions.

It is all about what is going on in your ex’s head. No one can know exactly what is going on in your ex’s head and what will happen in the future, unless your ex is an oracle.

It is true. Your ex wants you to get him back in the right way. He just doesn’t think you can do it.

These questions are the result of your mind trying to accomplish an impossible task. Your instincts have given your mind a job to do.

Imagine that your mind is like a computer that tries to find a solution to any problem you give it. Now imagine that your instincts are telling your mind to do the following

“Find a way to 100% guarantee that you will get back together with your ex. Make sure you don’t lose your ex at all costs. Find a way to do that as soon as possible, because your ex might move on. If I don’t, I (and by extension you) will have a hard time living with myself.”

Do you think there is a problem here?

Your fears and instincts are trying to find a way for your mind to change someone else’s free will. And there is not even enough time for that. On top of that, your instincts are threatening your very survival.

No wonder your mind is going into overdrive.

These questions alone won’t get rid of your ex, though. But when your mind is working in overdrive, it’s more likely to make mistakes.

Many of the above mistakes are caused by poor judgement; by not thinking things through and panicking. In fact, a study published in the Journal of Neuroscience illustrates how anxiety can interfere with judgment.

If you panic, feel anxious all the time and are obsessed with the break-up, you are likely to make mistakes that will push your ex away and make you even more anxious.

For example

If your ex calls you, you might take it as a sign that they want to get back together and start talking about how much you still love them.
If your ex tells you that he still thinks about you, you might be tempted to drive home with flowers and chocolates, thinking it’s like one of those reunion stories in the movies.
If your ex posts a photo on social media with someone of the opposite sex, you may start to get frightened, assuming they’re dating and making all the mistakes I mentioned above.
If you discover that she likes someone’s photo on Instagram, your mind may jump to the conclusion that she wants to sleep with them. You might call her and act controlling or borderline crazy.
The best way to avoid a misunderstanding is to simply do nothing for a while. Only after your mind has calmed down and you are no longer so panicked.

It is also advisable not to listen to your friends and family during this time. Even if they have the best intentions, most people cannot analyse a break-up and work out the best course of action that will lead to you getting back together.

What if I’ve already made these mistakes?

Chances are that you have already made at least one of these post-breakup mistakes. Don’t worry, even the wisest monk in the Himalayas or someone with a master’s degree in psychology from Harvard University often makes these mistakes after a breakup.

It is human nature to try to hold on to what is important to us. So please don’t beat yourself up about it.

What you can do now is to realise that these mistakes will not help you to get back together with him and to end them immediately. Move on to the next step of repairing all the damage you have done.

Case Study. Jenny has made all of these mistakes. Her ex-boyfriend was in a hole. But she still managed to get him back!

Step 2 – Stop contacting your ex. Give yourself time and space to give your ex what he or she wanted. Break up
If you’ve ever looked online at breakups and how to get your ex back, you’ll know that there’s something called the ‘no contact rule’.

It’s simple and extremely effective.

All you have to do is stop all communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes doing the following

No phone calls
No texts
No Facebook messages
No online contact of any kind (IM, Twitter, Whatsapp, Snapchat)
No ‘random’ interactions with him (you know what that means).
No hanging out with mutual friends in the hope of meeting your ex.
You don’t have to keep an eye on your friends.
Why not make contact?
For these three reasons

Reasons to stop contacting your ex: Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the break-up and to miss you.
There is a common misconception that if you don’t keep in touch with your ex, he or she will forget about you.

But in reality, you are giving your ex time to miss you even more and he will keep wondering why you don’t get in touch with him.

Remember all the mistakes from part 1 of this guide. Every single one of them leads your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend to think that you are the one who needs them. By not keeping in touch with them, you instantly become a non-poor person in their eyes.

On top of that, your ex is asking you to leave them. And until you give them a breakup, they will never really know how it feels to lose you.

Reasons to end contact with your ex: You need some space and time too.
You need to get a grip on yourself and gain some perspective.

The fact is, you’re confused after a breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to see if it’s in your best interest to stay with your ex or not.

Perhaps you just miss your ex because you are used to being with him.

Before you try to get back together with your ex, you need to learn to enjoy your life without him. You have to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex.

You will eventually realise that you do not need your ex to make you happy.

But there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

Happiness is something that is within you.

Reasons to cut off contact with your ex: To get your ex back, you need to be confident.
In the meantime you need to become an attractive and happy person. You need to take a step back and reassess your life. You need to make positive changes in your life.

When you meet your ex again after the no-contact period, you need to make sure that he or she finds you attractive. And the best way to do this is to start enjoying your life and become a happier person overall.

Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing him forever.

If you want to recover from a break-up, you need to stop adding to the stress caused by direct or indirect contact with your ex. According to a study published in the Taylor and Francis Online Journal, stalking your ex on Facebook is a major source of personal distress. A study published in the Taylor and Francis Online Journal explains that stalking an ex on Facebook can be a major source of distress for individuals.

And while you are in distress, you cannot grow or become a better version of yourself. Wouldn’t it be better to cut off contact with your ex, recover from the break-up, and become more self-aware before you talk to him again?

If you want to know more about why you should do this, read this article.

How long do I have to be out of contact?
No contact for 30 days

Basically, the no contact period should be long enough for you to sort out your feelings and get comfortable with life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days.

However, in some cases it can be anywhere from two weeks to six months.

Your ex during the no contact period
At this point you may be wondering how the no contact period affects your ex and what you can do about it. This section covers most of the questions you may have about the no-contact period. If you want to know more, read this article.

Should I tell my ex that I don’t want to be in contact with him anymore?

Ideally, no. You want them to wonder what happened and why you haven’t been in touch. You want to keep your ex in your thoughts as much as possible. Saying you won’t be in touch for a while won’t achieve that goal.

However, if your ex calls or texts you every day, you need to let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a little while. Try not to give them any details. Just tell them not to contact you until you have decided to contact them. Let them know that you need some space and time at the moment.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I didn’t contact my ex?

Wouldn’t it have been rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging? Yet you would do anything to be with him. Sometimes rudeness isn’t as bad as you think.

Besides, you are not in touch with your own spiritual peace and happiness. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself. Remember that by not contacting you are setting clear boundaries and putting your own happiness above that of your ex. And there’s nothing wrong with setting clear boundaries in a relationship, even if it’s with your ex.

Do I have to respond to my ex’s text messages while I’m out of touch?

In most cases, you should not respond to your ex’s text messages when you are not in contact. See How do I reply to a text message from my ex?

Should I answer my ex’s phone calls during a period of no contact?

No, you should not answer your ex’s phone calls. The only exception to this is if you are almost at the end of your no contact period and you already have a good feeling about it. You should not answer the phone if you think that talking to your ex will cause you to become obsessed with him again.

What if my ex moves on during the no contact period?
What if my ex meets someone and gets married while I’m out of touch?
What if my ex forgets about me while I’m out of touch?
These are good questions. And the answer to all of these questions is NO, they won’t.

If you and your ex were in a serious relationship they will not be able to move on quickly. In fact, not keeping in touch will only make them miss you more and remind them of all the good things that have happened. You need to take drastic action here. The alternative to no contact is creeping like your ex and constantly texting and acting like a stalker, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You have no other choice.

Is there any way to shorten the restraining order? Like a week or a few days for example.

You want your ex to give you a few days off? You want an avalanche of emails and then another few days?

No, it’s not.

It takes time for people to let go of the negative associations they have after a breakup and start to miss their exes.

You have to give it to them.

And most importantly, you need to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.

If you don’t change for the better, your ex will never be able to convince himself that he wants to get back together with you.

What if I have children with my ex?

If you have children, you will need to make limited contact. This means that you only talk to your ex when you need to.

You will only talk to your ex about your children and important things.

Do not talk about personal things. If your ex asks you a personal question, you can tell them something like this

“I’m not ready to talk about my personal life right now.” “I’d like you to keep it to talking about the children for now.”

What if I’m living with my ex?

If you both live together, it can be difficult to get some distance without contacting each other. So we strongly advise you to find a way to move out. At least for the time being.

Explain to your ex that living with your ex-girlfriend is difficult for you at the moment and that you want to move out temporarily. Tell him that you will make a decision about your living situation later, when you are able to think clearly.

If you are unable to move out, limit your contact. Only talk to your ex on important occasions and don’t discuss personal matters. Create a space in your home for yourself and only be in that space.

My ex thought I wasn’t paying enough attention to them and wasn’t involved enough. If I don’t keep in touch, will they feel like I don’t care and make them want to move on?

That’s a big worry for someone who hasn’t made any effort to make the relationship work. But they want to make the effort even after the breakup.

If you’re reading this article, it means that you’re trying to convince your partner that this time will be different. You are trying to be more committed, to work harder, to be more committed. That you care about them.

And it didn’t work.

The reason it didn’t work is because your ex thinks you’re afraid of losing her. Because they think you care because you don’t want to lose her. And keeping in touch with them confirms that belief.

Your ex believes that if you win them back, you’ll go back to your old ways.

And the best way for them to overcome that belief is for you to show them that you are no longer needy and desperate by not keeping in touch.

To help them heal and think things through, you can let them know in advance that you will not be keeping in touch. This does not mean that you don’t care about them and that you move on. It just means that you should take the time to find out what your problems are and what you can do to overcome them.

This sincere step of looking at yourself and finding a solution to your problem will do wonders when you try to convince her after you have finished contacting her to break up.

What would your ex think if you didn’t contact her for 30 or 60 days?

That’s a good question.

Actually, it’s not a good question.

Rather, it is one of those questions that can easily lead to panic on your part.

As I said before, we can never know what is going on in another person’s mind. Unless we are mind readers.

But let me tell you what usually happens when your ex stops contacting you after a breakup.

If you kept in touch after the breakup, your ex didn’t have to think about what happened when you broke up. Sure, they made the decision to break up with you, and they probably think the break up was the right decision.

However, they have never really had to deal with a break-up because you pretend they still had you.

A break-up means losing someone you love. And if they have never really felt like they have lost you, then they have never really experienced a break-up.

They never grieved and never felt like there was a black hole from hell in the pit of their stomach.

There is a good chance that your ex will face grief when you stop communicating with them. How they deal with that grief is another matter altogether.

They may start contacting you every day.
They may get angry.
They may shut down and start to ignore you completely. Most of the time, this is only temporary. So don’t worry about it. Let your panic calm you down 🙂
They may start stalking you on social media or through mutual friends.
They may decide to stop contacting you to help you recover from the break-up.
He may contact you casually, see what you’re up to and pretend to be interested in you. In other words, they will throw you a bone. And if you grab it, they will know that you are still their favourite and that they have all the power over you.
(Click here for more information on signs during the No Contact Rule).

CASE STUDY: I fell head over heels for my ex during the No Contact Rule. But not in a good way.
Step 3 – Try to be someone you can be proud of during the no contact rule. Become someone who can’t resist your ex.
This is where most people fail. No contact is useless if you don’t try to make positive changes in your life during this time.

If you want to stay at home and be miserable for the next month, things won’t change after the no contact period is over.

Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there are some benefits to spending some time alone, grieving and analysing your relationship.

However, you need to balance this with things that bring you joy. You need to get out and enjoy life. You need to find the things that make you happy and do them. You need to learn that you can be happy without your ex.

You have to reclaim your individuality, then you have to reclaim your ex.

Are you happy?

Here’s how to do it.

Positive changes in your appearance
A positive change in your appearance will give you a new you. You will feel like a new person and you will feel better.

And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, he will see a new you.

Here are a few things you can do to help

Get your hair done. Go to the hairdresser and find out what’s in style these days.
Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
Get into the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and work out. It is also good for your mental health because exercise releases endorphins which make you happy.
Get some new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better.
Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic now. You don’t want to make any physical changes that you will regret for the rest of your life (e.g. getting a tattoo of your lost love).

Positive changes in your thinking
Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back.

You need to understand that happiness and confidence are things that you can get by working on yourself.

Here are a few ideas to help you build your confidence and become a happier person.

Learn how to be happy without your ex
Instead of staying at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make you feel better.

Make time to grieve. I know how difficult it can be to be happy after a break-up. I remember being a complete mess for at least two weeks. I wasn’t sleeping properly, I wasn’t eating properly and I was thinking about my ex all day long. In a way, this is the time you need. You give yourself time to be sad every day. If you want to feel sad and frustrated, then go ahead. But also try to do things that make you feel good.

Write in a diary. Write down your thoughts and feelings. Writing is therapeutic and it will probably help you to release any feelings that have built up inside you. Research has shown that expressive writing can help you to regain your composure during stressful times.

Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always enjoy spending time with you. Go out and spend some quality time with them.

Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and your strengths. Be proud of who you are. Accept yourself as you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which isn’t very attractive) comes from doubting yourself. Confidence, on the other hand, comes from awareness and acceptance of ourselves.

Go on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you’re reading this, I suggest you definitely go on a few dates before you end up in contact with your ex. It is essential that you get perspective now and in my opinion, meeting new people is the best way to do that.

Positive changes in your behaviour and habits
In many cases, your habits and behaviour are what caused your ex to break up with you. If you are struggling with issues that you think caused the break-up, it’s time to work on them. Some examples of these issues are

Dominant personality
Extreme jealousy
Anxiety
Lack of passion
Low self-esteem
Lack of personal hygiene
Lack of motivation in life
Lack of communication skills
Lack of social skills
Inability to trust
Inability to get involved
If you think any of these apply to you, now is the time to work on the problem. If you’re not sure how to tackle these issues, talk to a counsellor or therapist. If you’re not sure if therapy is right for you, read this article from Healthline about the benefits of talk therapy.

You can also read my email series where I talk about how to work through some of these issues.

Analyse your relationship
Ask yourself. Why do I want to get back together with my ex? If you answer something like .

I love my ex.
I can’t live without my ex.
I can’t live without my ex.
He/she was the only one for me.
I can’t live without my ex.
Then you are still suffering from denial and bargaining after the break-up. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after a break-up.

It is very common to want your ex back after a break-up.

However, this is not always the right decision.

Even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you may still want to rekindle your relationship with your ex because you miss it.

Our minds often confuse the act of missing someone with ‘love’. It’s normal to miss your ex after being with them for a long time.

But that doesn’t necessarily mean that you still love them.

Look at it this way: every relationship has problems, arguments and disagreements. But if you break up, something went wrong in your relationship.

You need to analyse what went wrong and realise if it is a good idea to get back together.

Advantages and disadvantages of your relationship
Did your ex have any disadvantages?

If you listen to your heart, all you will hear is that you love your ex and you want him back. Instead, try to think with your heart. Think logically.

Analyse the pros and cons of your relationship.

Analyse the strengths and weaknesses of your ex.

Analyse what your goals in life are and whether your relationship with your ex is in line with those goals. (Read: Should you get your ex back?).

Remember that your ex does not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy.

Understand yourself, love yourself, be grateful for what you have, understand your life purpose and pursue it.

Do you really think you can have a happy and lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reasons for your break-up are not important?

You have a big decision to make now.

That’s why you need to make sure it’s the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush it.

Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start to feel happier about your life without your ex, you will realise whether getting your ex back is the right decision or not.

And if you are convinced that it is the right decision, then you need to find a way to fix what was broken in your relationship.

Find out what was broken and how you can fix it.
Almost all the success stories I have met have one thing in common. They all understood exactly what went wrong in the relationship and how to fix it.

There are so many reasons why a relationship can fail that it is impossible to list them all here. Furthermore, each situation is unique and so are the solutions to each situation.

However, in most cases, the reason for a break-up can be traced back to the loss of one of the following

Feeling of attraction
Connection
or trust
For example

Were you arguing a lot? You were having communication problems, losing connection.
Were you controlling and insecure? You had self-esteem issues which caused you to lose attraction.
Was your ex unwilling to commit? Your ex did not feel a strong bond with you.
Did you cheat on him or did he cheat on you? The relationship ended because of a breakdown in trust.
Was your relationship stressful? You didn’t spend enough time together and lost your attraction.
Did your relationship become monotonous? You lost attraction and sexual connection.
You need to find out the real reason for the break-up. It’s not just about what they said to you when you broke up. Try to find out what happened in the relationship that drove them to the point of breaking up with you.

There is a good chance that your ex loved you very much and that breaking up with you was a hard decision for them too.

Your ex boyfriend is equally sad and unhappy about this breakup.

If you really love them, you owe it to them and to yourself to figure out what caused the breakup and how to fix it.

If you do not know how to fix what is broken, you will never get them back. And even if you do manage to get them back, you will break up with them again for the same reason.

“Without everyone’s self-reflection and growth, reconciled couples can expect to revert to old patterns after the honeymoon period and eventually break up again, permanently.” Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., LMFT, says, Ex Back Permanently.

And it will be even more painful the second time around. For both of you.

If you want to get your ex back permanently, it is important that you do this. Once you are sure that you can fix everything that was broken in your relationship, move on to the next step which is contacting your ex.

Analyzing the breakup to find out what went wrong can also help tremendously with healing from the breakup and emotional recovery. (According to a study by Grace M. Larson, PhD and David Sbarra, PhD, published in Sagepub).

Case study. He came back, but it wasn’t a happy ending
Step 4 – Contact your ex at the right time with the right message to reset your image and make him attractive again.
Do you remember when your ex broke up with you? They thought you were a clingy, desperate person with little self-esteem and no need for them.

After not hearing from you for a while, they wondered what had happened to you.

Slowly they will forget this image of you and start to remember what they liked about you.

They will start to remember what they thought was attractive about you.

And that’s when you contact them, talk to them and meet them. The moment they set their eyes on you, BOOM.

This is the new and improved you.

YOU version 2.0.

They can’t help but wonder what brought about such a positive change in you.

Attracting your ex again
“You look fantastic. You smell fantastic. You look like you’re doing great things with your life. You look like you’re working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and engaging. You look catchy.” Why did they break up again?” – Exes.

To do this, you need to do two things

To actually make a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
To get in touch with your ex and meet him or her somewhere.
If you’ve been following this guide so far, you know how to approach the first point. Now let’s go straight to the second point.

When should you get in touch with your ex?
The right time to get in touch with your ex is when you’re ready. It’s not about when they will miss you the most, it’s about when you are ready to deal with it and won’t be needy and desperate again.

Believe me, a lot of guys and girls mess up because they contact their ex before they are ready. It usually works because your ex misses you for not contacting them, but as soon as they realise that you were pretending, they turn cold again. And they can always tell if you are faking it or not.

So here are some things you should check before contacting your ex.

You must follow the no contact rule for at least two weeks. (Read more about the no contact rule here).
You are not as confused as you were after the break-up.
You have made some positive changes in your life.
You are convinced that getting back together with your ex is a good decision. (Check it out here).
You went on at least one date during the time you were out of touch.
I accepted the break-up and the fact that I might not get back together with my ex and that it might not be for me.
I accepted the fact that even if you don’t get back together with your ex, you’ll be fine because there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness. (Read more about how to have the right attitude after the no contact period is over)

What is the right way to get in touch with your ex?
The best way to get in touch with your ex is to send them a text message, an email or a handwritten letter.

Handwritten letters
Wouldn’t it be nice to get a handwritten letter in the post?

It doesn’t really matter how you contact your ex. It’s the content of the message that matters. I call this the “Elephant in The Room Message”, which is a way of acknowledging the “Elephant in the Room” (the fact that you two broke up and what happened afterwards) and regaining your image in your ex’s eyes. The message is designed to help you regain your image in your ex’s eyes.

This message has three purposes

To let your ex know that you have accepted the break-up. To let your ex know that you have accepted the break-up and that you think it is for the best.

To let your ex know that you are not the person they need anymore because you did not want to accept the break-up.

You want to apologise for your inappropriate behaviour after the break-up.

You want to forgive and forget everything that happened in the past.

You want to let her know that something exciting is happening in your life. Try not to give too much away here. Just let her know that something good is happening in your life.

You would like to talk about it, but not now. Because the two of you need time and space.

You want to give them something to think about.

They will think about what is going on in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using your curiosity to get your ex to contact you.

Of course, something has to be going on in your life. Therefore, it is absolutely important that you make positive changes in your life before contacting your ex.

If you would like a sample of the messages written for you, you can download my free report, The 5 Elephant in the Room Texts, by clicking here.

Case Study 5: An ex broke up with her. But he used the right message at the right time to win her back.
Text messages
Text messages are ideal to use after a handwritten letter to build attraction. You can skip the handwritten letter and go straight to the text message.

You know your situation and your ex better than anyone else, so it’s up to you to decide whether to use text messages only, letters only, or both.

In most cases, we recommend a letter or an elephant in the room text before attempting to talk casually to your ex. An effective first contact letter can make a big difference to the way your ex thinks about you.

Text messages are a great way to increase your attraction to your ex. They are short, personal and you can be sure that your ex will read your texts.

Used well, they can make your ex light up with excitement when they see a message from you. For more information on how to win your ex back using text messages, read this article.

Send your ex a text message
It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to receive a text from you.

The key to using text messaging is to have fun. I don’t usually recommend using texting for serious conversations, as it can be very distracting.

However, if you have no other choice then make sure you do it by being honest without being needy. (I talk more about this in my article on text messaging).

Now, there are many other things you can do by text. But the most important point remains the same. Be subtle. Be proactive. Be funny.

Now, you want to go from creepy ex-girlfriend to funny sidekick, right?

Of course, you’re going to take things slowly; you don’t want to get too personal. You want to make a connection with them, rebuilding your attraction over text messages before you meet in person.

Once you have spent enough time with them and are attracted to them then you need to ask them out.

(See more on texting your ex and building attraction through texting).

Ask your ex out on a date.
Don’t say “date”.

Repeat.

Don’t call it a date.

If you do, your ex will be on her defense faster than Garfield can find lasagna. You don’t want her to think you want to get back together.

At least not yet.

She wants you to stay friends. And you can build attraction while you’re with them.

If you’ve done your homework properly, confidence and charm will ooze out of every inch of you.

And that works twice as well for your ex as it does for anyone else.

Why?

Because at some point they were already attractive to you. You’re not a stranger to them; you’re a familiar face who finds them very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to call them.

Maybe they just need a little push.” Come on, let’s have some fun.” or “Hey, it’s just coffee.” It’s not a big deal.” is enough.

Don’t push too hard.

Like, “Come on.”

“Like, “Come on.” Or, “Just once, go out with me.” Like, “Please, please, please.”

Like.

“You broke up with me, you broke my heart, please just go out with me for once.”

Remember, you don’t owe your ex anything. Treat him like an acquaintance you’d like to get to know better.

If he promises to meet you, there’s a good chance he’ll want to get back together. But it’s not over yet.

Here are some examples An ex who refuses to see you but keeps dragging you down
Step 5 – Meet with your ex to build attraction, connection and trust. When the time is right, talk about getting back together.
Your ex will be a little sceptical when you meet him. Even if you’ve built up enough attraction and connection over the phone or text messages, they will wonder if it’s all a facade and if you’ve really changed.

They will wonder if you still need them, and are desperate.

And when they do meet you, their bullshit radar will be on high alert. They will judge everything you say or do. They may say things to test your reaction.

To make sure you don’t mess up, here are some pointers.

Do your homework and be prepared for the worst.
When you meet your ex, you really need to be prepared to lose him. If there is still neediness and desperation in you, your ex will sniff it out from a mile away.

So if you still feel needy, cancel or postpone your meeting.

This is a test to see if you are ready to meet her. Only take this test if you are no longer in contact and plan to meet your ex.

You will have to click on the image to enlarge it, because we don’t want you to take this test if you have just started this project. Once you have stopped contacting him, please come back to this page and do this test.

Test whether you’re ready to see your ex or not.

Watch for the SH*T test
Your ex is likely to say and do things to see if you still need them or if you are desperate. They will try to see if you have really changed, or if everything you have said and done has just been a charade to win them back.

They may bring up something from the past or say something that they know will set you off.

For example, let’s say you have a problem with jealousy or control. They may casually bring up the fact that they just went on a date to see how you would react.

They may react that you are still in control and that they know your face even if you don’t say anything.

No matter what happens, it is important to remain calm. If you get angry or distressed, she will think that you haven’t changed at all and she will most likely start ignoring you again after the break-up.

Keep in mind that being calm is not the same as being a doormat. If something is important to you, insist on it. Remember that boundaries are important. Your own happiness and well-being is more important than getting your ex back. If there are serious problems in the relationship or in the break-up, deal with them. But do so without being angry or needy.

It helps enormously if your communication skills are on point before you meet your ex. This article talks about what you should do after a breakup.

Case Study Mindy wasn’t ready to meet her ex and it showed.
DON’T TALK ABOUT GETTING BACK TOGETHER YET.
Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. So, on your first date, focus on having a good time with your ex. When the subject of getting back together comes up, just listen to what they have to say.

If they ask for your opinion, just say that you still have feelings for them but you are not sure if getting back together is the right decision. It means that you both need to take your time.

Don’t jump at the first opportunity to get your ex back. Be sceptical about getting back together.

They broke your heart once, what’s stopping them from doing it again?

Have they changed and become a better person too?

If the two of you get back together, will the same problems crop up again?

Establishing an equal relationship
You don’t want your ex to think that you are chasing them. That’s why you need to establish an equal relationship with them.

You want them to be in touch with you in the same way that you are in touch with them. You want them to make the same effort to meet you as you make to meet them.

This is in line with the scepticism mentioned earlier. You don’t want to get back together yet. You want to see how things are going with your ex.

If your ex or ex-girlfriend doesn’t really want to make things work with you, then you shouldn’t have an ex or ex-girlfriend. You have done your best and shown them the best version of yourself.

If they still don’t think you are worth their time, then you need to start thinking about moving on.

Have boundaries and move out of the friend zone.
One of the worries that most people have at this stage is that it might put them in their former friend zone. To avoid this, you need to set some boundaries and have an equal relationship with them.

You are friends, but you are also ex-lovers.

The relationship should be casual, but there should also be sexual chemistry.

The relationship should be respectful, but it should also be flirtatious.

If you follow all the things mentioned in this article, your ex will most likely be very attracted to you. However, if you still feel that they are trying to push you into the friend zone, there are three principles you can follow

Build sexual chemistry, but don’t sleep with them.
Don’t let them talk about other romantic interests. If they ask you for advice about their dating life (something most people do with their friends), tell them you’re their friend but you don’t want to know or talk about who they’re dating or having sex with. That you still have feelings for them and they need to respect your boundaries.
If they do not respect your boundaries, be ready to leave. Don’t act needy or desperate, just break off contact. If you keep your word, they will respect you more and are more likely to apologise later.

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