Exactly how to get your ex back in 5 guaranteed steps
Want to know the weirdest thing about getting back with your ex?
It’s actually not that hard to get back with your ex. With a couple of tricks, getting back together can actually be very easy.
The trick is that when he comes back, he’ll kiss it. There’s a difference between finding out how to get your ex back and how to get your ex back.
Many women go back to their ex-boyfriends every day. But most of them lose him again.
Because the same problems that ruined their relationship before are still there, unresolved.
And if you don’t know how to find and solve those problems that are rooted in the dynamics of your relationship, they will remain, waiting to ruin your chances with him again.
To get your ex back, and make him a TRC for good – it’ll take a little longer.
(But not much longer, don’t worry).
In this article, I’ll give you a 5-step plan that will teach you how to get your ex back, attracting him back magnetically – and KEEPING him there once he’s back.
Getting your ex back is only hard when you make mistakes. Unfortunately, it’s really easy to make mistakes when you’re struggling with the pain of breaking up with the usual feelings of loss, embarrassment and unhappiness. You may find yourself overwhelmed with the question: I want my ex back, but where do I even start? Will my ex ever come back? How will you get your ex-boyfriend back? And if enough time has passed: Is it possible to get your ex back after a few months?
All this said, how will you get your ex back? No matter what stage of the break-up you’re at, let me tell you about this cold, hard fact:
Reconnecting with ex-boyfriends is only hard when you make mistakes.
But when you have a 5-step plan, you won’t feel confused. You’ll know exactly where you’re going, and how to get there, and how to get over a breakup.
You’ll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel with a straight line that will show you how to get back there as quickly as possible.
Take the Quiz: Can you get your ex back or is he gone for good?
Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) ‘Can you get your ex back’ quiz now and find out if you can get your ex back or if he’s gone for good ….
Instead of vague Googling instructions like “how to get my ex back”, you need a solid plan to actually do the legwork. Well, lucky for you, this article is your plan. Follow the steps I give you and you will irresistibly get your ex back to you.
It’s not rocket science. It’s not even complicated.
Here’s the truth – you’ve already done most of the hard work. Basically, getting your ex back is all about letting him remember how much he misses you and how good your relationship was.
And that’s what the first step is all about.
Step 1: The No Contact Rule – Break contact with him.
If you’re wondering how to get back together with your ex. he has to realise how much he misses you.
And for that to happen, there can be no contact between you.
So here’s the rule: Stop contact with him for at least four weeks.
What does that mean?
No calling him.
No contacting him online (Facebook messages, emails, Gchat, Twitter, IM).
No wasting time with friends to run to him.
Don’t run to him “casually” (exactly what you think it means).
If you have any questions, check the FAQ at the end of this section.
Here’s the big secret to making the no-contact rule work that almost every so-called expert misses: No rule works for YOU either…
It’s when you clear yourself of anything inside that could cause problems with your ex coming back.
Yes, it’s typical after a breakup when we want to think about it all the time… Worry about it, wonder about it, analyse it, etc. It’s typical that people (men and women) think about the relationship or breakup and just feed off it.
It’s typical and understandable. But does it help you? Not at all. In fact, it does all the things that hurt your chances of getting your ex back.
It kills your mood. It makes you ‘stuck’ on it. It consumes your attention and energy, which you will do to improve your chances of getting it back.
So if you don’t detoxify what you’re thinking and feeling inside, you’re not doing the “no contact” rule! This is a secret that most relationship coaches don’t tell you, but “detoxifying” your inner world is the most important part of the no-contact rule.
The no-contact rule, yes, but even more importantly, what YOU do while you’re out of contact really matters.
What to do when thoughts of him, the break up or the relationship arise in your mind:
The “no contact” rule is not about “waiting” or “missing” him while you do it.
The no-contact time is ACTIVE TIME you spend in DETOX from obsessive thoughts about him, his absence and negativity in your mind about the relationship.
Now I know that telling you not to think about him now may seem impossible, but there is a way to make it super easy:
Thoughts of him will pop up from time to time. When they appear, you’ll just let them pass you by, like meaningless clouds floating in the sky. You’ll notice they’re there, but you won’t feed on them… you won’t chase them.
That’s the secret. You don’t feed into those thoughts about him, about the relationship, about the problems, about what he did or didn’t do. You don’t feed into any thoughts about him or the relationship, full stop.
You don’t analyse, you don’t reflect, you don’t show regret, you don’t wonder if you made a wrong move, you don’t wonder what he does or if he will come back. None of that.
Fill your life.
Instead, you focus on filling your life with the things you love to do, the things that make you happy, the things that make you feel good. Fill your life and LIVE HAPPY. As long as you let him miss you and worry about losing you forever (which will make him want you back more and more), you will get STRONGER, lifting your mood and happiness up, up, up….
The best thing about not making any contacts
You’ll know the TRUTH about how badly this guy wants to have the relationship with you that you really want.
Cutting off contact may sound illogical, or like you’re trying to get back at your ex. But let me assure you that this is one of the most important steps if you want to learn how to effectively repair your relationship with your ex. So, why do you cut off contact with him? For a couple of reasons:
First, to get a grip and look at the relationship.
Things get pretty messed up after a breakup – and trying to get him back while you’re at it will only make things worse.
If you want to win him back, and give him a TRC… he needs to realise how much he misses you.
That’s why you need those 4 weeks to calm down, get your act together and really look at what your relationship was like. Gaining perspective means that you can clearly see whether you were happy or not, whether you were right for each other, or whether you even want your relationship back.
It also gives you time to get past the initial unbearable phase where you miss it, and move into a calmer, more secure mentality. Instead of trying to deal with the signs that your ex still loves you, you will work on yourself and become a better person. This gives you the opportunity to say, “I don’t HAVE to make him happy – I can be happy all by myself.”
Secondly, it’s to give him space to miss you and realise (all by yourself) that he wants you back.
If you want him to notice how much he misses you, he has to have space to notice that you are gone.
He won’t notice the hole you’ve left in his life unless you let him. So if you’re still engaged with him, he won’t be lonely. If you are still having sex with him, he won’t miss having sex or communicating. If you are still emotionally connecting with him, he won’t miss the love and pleasure of being with you.
The truth is in the saying ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’. It’s time for you to make it work. When you break contact with him, he will remember all the good times you had together. Eventually, all memories of bad times, arguments and mistakes will disappear.
Remember that you don’t have to remind him how much he enjoyed being in a relationship with you – he will notice everything on his own. It’s important for him to be able to wake up one day and say to himself, “I want my ex back,” without being pushed around.
If you woke up without an arm, you’d notice pretty quickly that you were missing something vital. You wouldn’t need a hand to touch your shoulder to remind you that it was missing.
You’d immediately notice how its absence makes your life worse, so let him notice all the ways its absence makes his life worse.
Here’s all you need to know about the no-contact rule.
But what if… (No Contact FAQ)
What if he contacts me? Does this break the No Contact rule?
If he contacts you (as he calls you, or texts you, or sends you another message), it’s not breaking contact. But if you reply to him by contacting you, it would be considered breaking the rule. Replying is the same as communicating with him or her yourself.
If it really is an emergency, you can reply – but keep the conversation focused on the emergency and nothing else. No personal questions, no relationship questions, nothing about anything from your life. Focus only on the emergency situation he or she has contacted you about.
What if I haven’t already contacted you?
The only way to really take advantage of the no-contact rule is to follow it to the end. This means that if you have broken the no-contact rule, the only thing to do is to start the no-contact period all over again.
The only thing that will make him miss you again is time, and the only way to make him think about how good the relationship was and forget about the pain of uninterrupted no-contact time.
Also, it’s about going cold turkey and proving to yourself that you can live your life without him in it. If you can live your life without him for four weeks, you’ve proven it to yourself.
What if we bump into each other?
Firstly, don’t bump into him ‘on purpose’. You know what that means.
Secondly, if you do bump into him by accident, here’s what to do. Be upbeat, positive and in a good mood while you’re talking to him. Let him lead the conversation and pick the topics, and whatever you do, don’t bring up the relationship or the relationship with him.
Shoot for about 10 minutes and then end the conversation with him. Aim to be upbeat, positive and give the impression that you are doing well, everything in your life is good and you feel happy. Showing bitterness or resentment will only take him away from you.
What if he finds someone new while you’re out of contact?
The short answer is that he won’t.
When a guy gets out of a serious relationship, he’s not going to fall in love and find someone new right away. Most guys don’t even want to get into a relationship right after getting out of a serious relationship. When they do, it’s almost always a “rebound” relationship designed to distract him from the pain of loss – and it never works.
If you’re really worried that your ex is about to enter a new relationship, or you know he’s in one and you want to know if it’s real or not, this article will let you know that his new relationship is a ‘rebound’. That way, you can get a definitive answer to the question, “Is he in a new relationship?” and move on, establishing a “no contact” rule that will work for you.
It’s about trusting that giving him time is going to make him miss you, and getting into a better mindset so that you are as attractive to him as possible. The alternative is to panic, stalk him, text him constantly and beg him to take you back – which NEVER works. Believe me, this is the only way to get him back (and keep him forever).
Should it really be four weeks?
Yes. Remember that he needs space to remember how much he misses you, and shorter than 4 weeks he’s just not going to cut it.
Also, you need time to recover from the breakup and come out stronger, happier and more positive. That’s just not going to happen in 4 weeks, and it will work against you if you try to do it in a shorter period of time.
Isn’t that rude and even cruel to him? Sounds like overkill to me.
It’s not about “punishing” him, or being rude, or being deliberately cruel to him. It’s about giving both of you the space you need to look at the relationship and really identify the issues that have separated the two of you.
Remember, the “no contact” rule isn’t about him, it’s about YOU. You don’t break contact to try to piss him off, you give yourself time and space to heal from the break-up – just as you give him time and space to start missing you again.
Finally, here’s the biggest reason for the no-contact rule:
It stops you from making fatal break-up mistakes that will really drive him away for good – which we’ll talk about in the next section.
Watch the video: How to get your ex back easily.
Step 2: Fatal mistakes (And ignoring your instincts)
This section will look at all the fatal mistakes women make after a breakup. These mistakes will alienate your ex from you, all of which will ruin your chances of ever getting back with your ex.
The worst thing about these mistakes is that they are so natural. These mistakes happen when you follow your instincts after a breakup.
These mistakes happen when you follow your instincts after a breakup.
At first glance, it doesn’t seem fair… and it’s not. It’s not fair that your instincts will encourage you to do things that will ruin your chances of getting back together with your ex.
That’s why the no-contact rule is so important – to take away your chance of making any of these fatal mistakes.
Mistake #1: Let him do whatever he wants and just take it.
After a break-up, the temptation is to just give your ex whatever he wants in the hope that it will bring him back to you.
This is one of the worst things you can do – because all you’re doing is signalling to him that he’s in control and that you’re not going anywhere – which means he has no reason to come back to you.
If he’s getting everything he wants from you without doing any work or coming back to you, what incentive does he have to renew the relationship?
Besides, giving in to him and giving him everything he wants shows him desperation. It puts your vibe into despair, which consciously and unconsciously turns him off and ruins your chances with him.
In fact, many relationships end up making this fatal mistake. Here’s how it usually happens:
The beginning, or ‘honeymoon’, of a relationship is an exciting, magical time. You two were doing fun things together. You enjoyed getting to know and explore each other. You were each other’s equals.
Then, as the relationship goes on, something changes…
Instead of feeling equal, you feel like you’re losing it. Like you have to chase him to get his attention.
Like you have to bother him to get love from him.
Like slowly but surely, you’re losing him… and you don’t know how to stop it.
You start to worry about him leaving or going away and so you put up with his bad behaviour, trying to get him to stay.
Unfortunately, all this makes him lose respect for you and see you as desperate, which further undermines the relationship and pushes him further away.
MORE: These signs mean you can get your ex back.
It inevitably becomes a downward spiral that continues until the relationship breaks down.
The only way to have a good relationship is to demand a good relationship from him. If you don’t, and give him everything he wants so that he wants to stay with you, you sabotage the relationship and ruin your chances with him.
Mistake #2: Give him tons of affection.
This ties in with the first mistake – except that instead of convincing him to get back together with you by putting up with his bad behaviour, you try to convince him to get back together by showering him with affection.
The main mistake here is that you are trying to convince him to get back together with you. This makes you look needy and desperate – which will turn him off completely.
When you smother him with attention and love, it shows him that you are desperate. He knows you love him – he just broke up with you. When you remind him how much you love him, what actually happens is that he thinks you are trying to manipulate him into getting back together with him, and this turns him off.
Remember that the conclusion he reaches on his own will always be much stronger than the conclusion you manipulate him to reach.
Mistake #3: Trying to use pity to win him back.
Pity is not attractive. Neither is begging.
When you first met him, you didn’t beg him to be with you. You didn’t rely on his pity to go out with you. That doesn’t help you now.
All you’re doing is begging or using pity to convince him that he made the right move. This sabotages your vibe and makes you look needy and desperate, which makes him recoil from you and push you away from his life.
Mistake #4: Make him super jealous if he starts dating someone new.
Obviously, this can seem very upsetting. After all, he’s dating someone new, which means your chances are ruined, right?
Actually, not as much as you might think. As we’ve said before, when a guy starts dating after a serious relationship, it’s almost always a relationship – not a real one.
And a rebound relationship is a completely ineffective way to move on. All it will do is remind him that he cares about you more and that he wants you back in his life.
Acting jealous won’t make him want to come back to you – he’ll do the opposite. This will push him even further towards another girl and make you come off as needy and desperate again.
Mistake #5: Calling and texting him all the time.
This falls under the no-contact rule, and it’s one of the biggest reasons why the no-contact rule exists.
Your instincts will keep screaming at you to call and text him. You miss him, you want to talk to him, you want him to acknowledge you, you want to connect with him!
Unfortunately, your instincts are working against you. Contacting him will only push him further away and tell him he was right to break up with you.
So, as difficult as it may be, it’s best to follow the no-contact rule. Without it, it is far more likely that you will make that fatal mistake.
Mistake #6: Acting cold, aloof, nasty or desperate towards him.
Just as your instincts tell you to call and text him, they tell you to be nasty to him. After all, he broke your heart! It’s only natural that you would want to hurt him back.
Obviously, this will work against you – driving him further away and reinforcing in his mind that he doesn’t want you in his life. Even if it feels good in the short term as a cathartic release of pain and frustration, in the long term it will undoubtedly drive him away from you forever.
Remember – hurting him will not make him want to put up with you again. It will just ruin your life and push him away from you.
Mistake #7: Trying to make him jealous by talking about other guys.
This is another reason for the no-contact rule – to prevent this fatal mistake.
MORE: Does your ex want you back? These key signs mean that he…
If you’re trying to make him jealous by flaunting the fact that you see other guys in his face, all he’ll do is make you look desperate.
He’ll be able to see right through it (after all, you’re dating other guys to make him jealous, so he’s still in control) and it will look like you’re trying to manipulate him. This will turn him off and alienate him faster than anything else – so definitely avoid this mistake.
Mistake #8: Talking to him about relationships and asking him about his love life.
As we’ve said before, letting him come to his own conclusions is much stronger and more powerful than trying to lead him there yourself.
It’s much more powerful when we come up with something ourselves than when someone else tells us.
It’s like when you figure something out on your own versus when a friend tells you something. It is stronger when it is self-created.
It’s stronger when you understand something on your own.
So let him come to his own conclusions about the relationship. Don’t ask him how his love life is going now, let him know that it’s not as good as when you were dating.
These are the most fatal mistakes that will destroy your chances of winning him back.
Now it’s time to move on to the third step – what you should do during the no-contact period.
Step 3: get stronger while he gets weaker.
So you may be wondering: what should I do during the no-contact period?
There is a very simple answer to this: you will get stronger while he gets weaker.
While he is becoming more and more aware of your absence from his life, you will improve, feel better, stronger and more independent, and become physically and emotionally healthier.
This means that as you grow as a person, become more comfortable, confident and happy, and gain insight into the relationship, he will slide back, thinking about you, missing you, and eventually wishing you were back.
Think of it this way: these four weeks without contact are your detox period. You are detoxing from the relationship and getting over all the pain and heartbreak of the break-up.
If you never detox from the relationship, that same negativity, despair and pain will prevent you from ever getting it back. After all, you can’t get your ex-boyfriend back if your mind is working against you.
What does it mean for your mind to work against you?
It means that your negative emotions are controlling you. Heartbreak pain controls your mind (and pushes you towards all sorts of bad instincts described in Step 2), and if you don’t detox and get rid of that pain, it will push him away from you forever.
These 4 weeks without contact is a period of detoxification.
Think of it this way: negative emotions and feelings work against you and will eventually push him away from you, while positive emotions and feelings will work for you and magnetically attract him back to you.
To bring him back, you need a foundation of positive emotions – and to do that, you have to let go of the negative emotions.
The best, most effective way to let go of negative emotions is to point blank to acknowledge the fact that the relationship is over. It’s not something to yearn for, something to hope for, something to obsess about – it’s gone.
When you can let go of your relationship and accept the fact that in the moment you are completely single, it will get rid of the root of any insecurity and enable you to bring positivity back into your life.
The best first step towards detox is to get rid of all reminders of your relationship and your ex-boyfriend.
You don’t have to throw them away – but definitely put them in a place you don’t have easy access to, and whatever you do, don’t go back to them.
So write down his phone number and address on a piece of paper and keep it somewhere away, then delete them from your phone. Get rid of all the photos on your computer and phone that remind you of him. Remove his screen names from your lists and get rid of his emails and texts.
Don’t delete him from Facebook – just ‘unfollow’ him so he doesn’t look like you’ve taken him apart.
Take any gifts and physical reminders you have of him and put them away and out of sight. Remember that your goal is not to have anything that reminds you of him in your daily life.
The second step to detox is to erase his power over you.
The more you think about him, the more you will miss him.
This is why actively fighting your urge to obsess over him will serve you so well in the long run – because the more you obsess over him, the more power he has over you, and the less you can get over him.
Instead of thinking about him, there are a number of things you can do to trick your mind into forgetting about him for a while, so that you can relax and stop obsessing over him.
There are some great ways to do this. The most effective one is also the easiest one – to direct your mind to someone else.
The more you think about him, the more you will miss him.
Easier said than done, but by far the easiest way to get over an ex is to start thinking about someone new in your life. Think about other men and put your desire on them, and you’ll be shocked at how quickly your mind will turn to the new guy (and not obsess over thoughts of your ex).
A great exercise is to try fantasising about other men. Try to do this at least once a day. Even if you feel silly, pick the guy you like best and go for it.
MORE: The complete guide on how to make your ex miss you after a breakup.
This works better with guys you know in real life, but if you’re having trouble getting started, pick your favourite actor. The important thing is that you do it once a day and that you really stick to it. It may not seem like much at first, but it’s actually detoxifying consciously and unconsciously your mind from your ex, and moving you into a much better state of mind.
The third thing you need to do to erase his power over you is simple. Get out a pen and paper and write down all the things you didn’t like about your relationship with your ex. All the things he did that annoyed you, all the things you didn’t like about the relationship, and even all the things you didn’t like about the relationship.
Write down all these things and focus on them. This will help make your brain realise that your relationship with him wasn’t all sunshine and happiness, and in fact there were many reasons why you might not have been happy. Do that – and you’ll take huge steps in erasing his power over you.
So, other than that, what should you do during your lack of contact?
The best thing you can do for yourself is to focus on yourself – and focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be.
One of the best things you can do during no-contact is to start exercising (or throw yourself into exercise if you already have a programme).
Not only will this help you look your best, it gives you a place where you can stop thinking about your ex and just put all your attention and energy into your workout.
In addition, working out improves your mental state and makes you feel better about yourself. The endorphins that fill your brain help to flush toxins out of your body and move on even faster.
Getting compliments from other guys will definitely help you move on. One of the best ways to move on is to have a bunch of guys vying for your favour.
When you’re friends with other guys, your ex has to wonder if any of them are dating you. You don’t have to date any of them, but just being friends with them and having them around is enough to give you confidence and help you get over your ex.
MORE: How guys really cope with breakups.
Plus, you can use these guys as emotional support instead of feeling the instinct to lean on your ex.
Finally, the most important thing to focus on during the no-contact period is your vibe.
What is your vibe?
Your vibe is your most attractive asset. It can work for you or against you, and when it works for you, it magnetically attracts any guy. But a good vibe is one of the most powerful tools in learning how to date an ex again.
Let’s be clear. A vibe is essentially your mood. It’s how you genuinely feel at the moment (not how you pretend, but how you genuinely and truly feel deep down).
So when your mood is really good, relaxed and happy, your mood reflects that. When you feel anxious, worried, desperate or upset, your mood reflects that too.
There is nothing more attractive to a guy than a woman with a good mood. Women with really good vibes are more attractive to guys than any woman with bad vibes, even if she has a supermodel look.
The best way to understand what vibes are and what they do for you is to use an example from your own life. Think of a friend you know, now or in the past, who just can’t help but be negative.
There’s nothing more attractive to a guy than a woman with a good vibe.
It seems like every time you talk to this friend, they are complaining about something that has gone wrong in their life, or telling you about a problem that is not their fault, or burdening you with their unhappiness.
It’s not nice to talk to that friend, is it? When you see their name pop up on their phone, do you get that charging excitement?
No! You get that sinking feeling in your gut! You don’t get excited about talking to them, you dread it.
It’s all because of their vibration. Because of their negativity, their vibration suffers and it is unpleasant to be around them. If their vibration was good (because they worked harder at being in a good mood), then you would feel happy and joyful talking to them.
That’s what you strive for in your own life. When your mood is cheerful, happy and positive, people will be glad and happy to get closer to you.
MORE: How not to look discouraged and bring it back.
The best way to make sure your mood is as positive as possible is to focus on making sure you are in the best mood possible, and the best way to do this is to do things that make you feel good.
During a period of no contact, fill your life with things you love to do. Things that make you feel whole and that are largely fun for you.
When you focus on the things you really enjoy doing, it automatically improves your mood and enlivens your vibe. One great thing to do is to post pictures of yourself doing all the things you love to do on Facebook – because it’s super attractive to guys to see you having fun and enjoying yourself.
Guys are attracted to a woman who has her own life, her own happiness, and feels whole outside of a relationship. In an ideal world, your relationship is just the icing on the cake – it’s not what makes your life good, but having it in your life makes your life better.
So focus on your vibration, doing what makes you good and makes you whole. When you do this, you naturally help yourself move on from the relationship (and in the process become much more attractive to your ex).
If you’ve followed all of these guidelines, you’ll eventually come to the end of your period of no contact – and you’ll move on to Step 4.
Step 4: What to do when he reaches out (or how to reach out).
At this point, take a second to pat yourself on the back. You’ve made it to step 4 – and that’s worthy of congratulations.
At this point, the image of you as someone desperate, needy and clingy in your ex’s mind has faded, and he’s almost certainly wondering what you’re up to.
He’s also thinking about the good times you had together, now that the fresh memories of a painful break-up have faded.
And so now is the perfect time to strike.
Here are the conditions you should have already met to maximise your chances of getting him back:
You haven’t contacted him for four weeks and you haven’t followed the “no contact” rule.
You’ve dated another guy at least once during the no contact period (this may be the best way to get rid of needy and desperate behaviour and give you the best chance of getting your ex back).
You’ve put time and effort into making your life better and making positive changes.
You have fully accepted that you and your ex have broken up and believe that everything will be fine, whether you go back to him or not.
Deep down, you know that even if things don’t work out with your ex, there are millions of other guys who can’t wait to give you the love and happiness you’re looking for.
You have recovered mentally from the break-up and are in a much better state of mind.
You are confident and convinced that going back to your ex is the right decision.
If you can cross each item off this list, you are ready to communicate with your ex.
If he hasn’t contacted you by the end of your 4th week of no contact, then it’s time to contact, then meet and then.
He won’t be able to help himself.
While he missed you and remembered the good times, you have improved your mind, body and self-esteem and the full package will be irresistible.
So if you have successfully gone at least 4 weeks without contact with Him, and you have made major improvements in your life (by following the advice in Step 3), then you are ready to turn to Him.
General Questions and Answers
How do you get your ex-boyfriend back?
Make sure you abide by the “No Contact” rule at all times. In this case, ignore your instincts (because they usually act as impulses and are read as impulsive behaviour). Make sure you take time to feel strong and confident while you give it space. Make sure you don’t do this by repeating that you don’t show any signs of dependency or clinging when he reaches out to you.
How do you get your ex back quizzically?
If you have any doubts about how to use the Don’t Contact Anyone rule, or about how you can generally try to meet your ex, take the Ex Backer Quiz here.
Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) ‘Can you get your ex back’ quiz now and find out if you can get your ex back or if he’s gone for good ….
How do you get your ex back quickly with a text message?
If you’re looking for a quick fix or some quick ideas to initiate contact via texting, make sure the language stays casual. Treat it like a friend you just want to grab a bite to eat or a coffee with. Are you really pushing the wording of the text so hard to hang out? Give him the same attention to detail. Keep calm, stay calm. Keep a good mood and exude confidence in your indifference.
How do you get your ex back after a year?
The more time that passes between breaking up and the point of contact, the more you may owe him. Reach out to him to meet and talk and be honest about what you want to talk to him about. Show him how you have changed over the last year and how you have become a less confident woman. Remind him of the amazing and confident woman he fell in love with in the first place.
How do you get your ex back when he has moved on?
Sometimes, no matter what you do, he might have just moved on. And that’s okay. Be willing to accept that reality. We can’t control other people’s hearts, but you should take pride in knowing that you put yours on the line and took a leap of faith. If he moves on, respect his space. As long as you respect his space, you never know what the future holds.
The psychology of how to get your ex back: what really happens and why it all works.
When you haven’t been in touch with your ex, sooner or later something will come up that will remind you of the relationship. And since you will no longer be there, they will start to miss you in those moments.
Over time, that feeling of missing you starts to grow. And as time passes, they will start to worry and wonder if they have really lost you forever.
This is the most critical moment that will determine whether you get your ex back or let the relationship turn into nothing, so pay very close attention to this.
At this point, he’ll start wanting reassurance that he hasn’t lost you, or that he’s made the right decision.
He may start doing things (directly or indirectly) to check on you and make sure you are moving on.
This could include looking at your Instagram stories or randomly liking your social media posts. He might also start popping up in places where he knows he’ll run into you.
Or he might be more direct and simply contact you by text or phone call.
If and when he contacts you, be very careful how you respond. One of the things he will try to find out is whether you are prepared to wait until he comes to his senses, or whether he might actually lose you if he doesn’t make a move to get you back.
The way to deal with this requires a very specific, counter-intuitive approach.
Our instinct is usually to go along with what they offer if we think it gives us the slightest chance of reuniting. But this willingness and immediate availability is actually where the biggest pitfalls can happen.
Here’s the problem: If your relationship was wishy-washy and unfixed before the break-up, he’ll get the feeling that, despite the fact that you’ve now broken up, you’re ready to continue being an option. You run the risk of being the person he might fall back on if things don’t work out with someone new.
You do NOT want to open up the possibility that you’ll take the “owner’s seat” where you’re not officially together, but still dating romantically (despite the lack of a clear arrangement).
How to cope if your ex is in contact with you.
The best thing you can do is listen to what he has to say. You can be polite and courteous.
However, if the conversation moves to a place where he is testing to see if you want him to come back, do NOT give him the reassurance that you will wait for him to come back at some uncertain and undefined point in the future.
It’s better not to talk about whether you’re moving on at all, even if it’s true. If he asks you directly, you can say, “I’m not happy about the breakup, but I understand that it happened and that I’m 100% free now.” If he insists on details, you can just say you don’t want to talk about it.
If he does insist, you can ask him to clarify if he wants to talk in order to get back into a relationship with you again. This way, the conversation saves you from having to wait forever to find out what he’s thinking.
Ideally, this is how you want this conversation to go: so that he reveals his thoughts and feelings to you, without revealing the status of whether or not you are moving on.
If you’re asked directly if you want to get back together, you can say, “If you want to get back together in a clear, committed relationship, let me know if that’s what you want.” And if he says anything other than ‘Yes, I want that,’ tell him you understand and are open to the future: “If you decide this is what you want, let me know.”
The most important thing here is that you don’t get into the dynamic you want when he starts reaching out to you, or you risk getting into a dynamic where you’re not in a clearly defined relationship, but just a placeholder until he finds someone else.
The only way you can truly get together is if you both want to have a clearly defined, committed relationship.
If he’s not sure he wants it yet, give him a chance to decide if he wants it.
Either he does, and you return to a relationship with a solid, clear foundation. Or you will find that he absolutely does not want to get back into a relationship with you to the point where he is ready to lose you.
I know the latter may sound disappointing, but it’s actually a very good thing to clarify as soon as possible. It helps to know once and for all that you’ve done everything in your power to move on.
In this case, there’s no “I want to get back together with my ex like” advice to be used. Don’t you want to know if the effort you put in will be worth your time?
You get clarity, so you can move on knowing that it won’t happen, and you can confidently open the door to someone new without worrying that you’re making a mistake or giving up something that might have worked.
You can finally see the truth about whether he was ever really ready to commit to you the way you really want him to.
Only when you are ready to leave, and he believes he has truly lost you, will he do everything in his power to win you back and give you the relationship you want.
The good news here is that there are so many times, even in the most difficult and challenging scenarios, where the guy does come back and fights to get you back and you are shocked that this guidance has worked so well.
It happens so often that I can confidently say that this guide is not just a way to get your ex back… it’s the only way worth doing. Just make sure you remember that it’s for you too, because it’s so important!
How should you get through to him?
When it comes to reaching out to your ex, the best way to do it is to text him. You don’t want to call him right now – better to let him create an attraction in his mind before you talk on the phone.
This begs the question – what message should you send him?
When you break the ice and get back in touch with him, the best kind of text is one that gives him a reason why you are writing to him and also makes him think of you again.
One of the best ways to do this is to tell him about something positive that happened in your life and reminded you of him.
The best way is to make him think of you again.
Maybe a TV show or film you saw recently made you think of him. Maybe you saw a holiday advert and it reminded you of a trip you took with him.
MORE: More ways to get your ex-boyfriend back for good.
Whatever it is, it’s an opportunity to text him: ‘Hey, I saw a cruise advert the other day and it reminded me of when we went to the beach together for a week. It was so much fun, I’m really glad we did it together.”
The most important thing to remember is that you want to be subtle and positive. You’re not writing him to try to win him back, you’re not writing him to remind him of the relationship, you’re not even writing him to make him love you again.
The reason you’re texting him is because it would be fun and nice to talk to him again – and nothing else. No ulterior motivation (like trying to win him back), no manipulation and no agenda.
Now, most of the time, your ex will text you first. And when that happens, you’ll want the perfect response already lined up.
That’s why I wrote an article on how to reply to your ex’s messages.
Whatever message you want to send him (whether it’s “I miss you and would like to get back together” or “Stop texting me, I want nothing to do with you”), you’ll find the best way to say it in this article.
Now let’s go back to communicating with him after the period of no contact is over.
Whatever you do when you first write to him, don’t bring up the relationship or the break-up. Don’t talk about how much you miss him, or that you want to get back together, or that you’re unhappy he’s not in your life.
In the same vein, never text him negatively. Don’t send him bitter or angry texts, which will 100% make him ignore your messages and undo all your hard work during the period of no contact.
At the same time, your text can’t just be “nothing” either. Sending him a message that says nothing, like ‘hello’, or just an emoji emoji will turn him off.
Another thing to remember: don’t text him over and over again. Give him time and space to respond to your message, and never send him more than one message in a row without him replying to you.
MORE: Advice on getting your ex back
Here’s your mindset when you reach out to him: you’re happy, strong, content with your life, and fulfilled. You know you’re attractive, and you have complete choice in your love life.
You’re not trying to win him back, you just think it would be a shame to throw away such a good friendship that the two of you had.
The way to frame the conversation is this: you’ve been contemplating the break-up, and you fully believe that the break-up was the right thing to do – and that it’s for the best for both of you. Nevertheless, it would be foolish to throw away such a great friendship.
How to meet him
The best way to ask your ex out again is NOT to call it a date. Remember – you want to be friends with him and keep your friendship – and calling it a date means sending him on a date (because that will show you have a plan to get back at him that will turn him off more than anything else).
MORE: A tactic that will get your ex back for you…
As long as you complete the items on the list above and really put in the work, you’ll feel and look great when you see him.
You’ll be super attractive, super confident and super relaxed – ready to just have a good time with him and enjoy life together.
The best way to ask your ex out again is NOT to call it a date.
The most effective way to get him to come and see you on a date is to call him. You can suggest meeting for coffee or a drink, with the understanding that he’s just a friend you want to meet, not an ex-boyfriend you want back.
As long as you focus all your energy and attention on having a good time with him and making sure your mood is good (which contributes to an overall good mood, which is the most attractive thing you can do), then the work you put in during the no-contact period will do the rest.
Remember – what he will remember most about seeing you again (more than what you said, or what you did together, or who paid, or what you were wearing, or anything else) is your mood.
If you’re wearing your prettiest outfit, and you’ve worked out, and you look amazing, and you have an amazing tan, and you have a perfect hair day, and you’re in a bad mood, and you have a bad feeling about it… is the only thing he’ll remember.
(Of course, he might think “she looked good…” but he’ll also think “spending time with her is really bad, I remember why we broke up.”)
It’s important for him to feel really good about spending time with you again… especially if things have ended badly between you two. The contrast between how you felt at the end of your relationship and how you feel now is the key to getting back together with him.
If things seemed awful, tense and strained at the end of your relationship (which is very normal), then making sure your feelings are good is the best thing you can do. That way, he will be shocked at the difference in what it feels like to be around you.
He will be amazed at how nice it feels to be with you if your mood is good, which will immediately remind him of why you were dating him (and make him spin in his head that you should probably start dating again).