How to get your ex back permanently – 5 step plan
Getting your ex back doesn’t have to be difficult. The hard part is keeping them.
After all, they left you once, so what’s to stop them from leaving you again?
What is the point of trying to get your ex back if you can’t keep them permanently?
I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say “hopefully” because I can’t guarantee that you will get your ex back. No one can guarantee that they can. If they say they can, then they are lying.
However, I can guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting back together with your ex will be greatly increased. (Why should you trust me or the advice on this page? Because we have over 11 years of experience and we strive to make all of our information accurate and useful.
Who is this article for?
This article is for anyone who wants to get their ex back. Be it your ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, ex-wife, ex-husband or ex-fiancé. Whether it’s a straight relationship or a gay relationship. If you’ve been through a break-up and are thinking of getting your ex back, then you’ll find this article helpful and insightful.
Note: If you’re looking to get your ex-girlfriend or ex-wife back, we recommend this article with a game plan that focuses more on getting the girl back.
What is this article about?
This article is divided into 5 steps. I did this because this way you have a step-by-step plan that you can follow to get your ex-girlfriend back.
After a breakup, it is important to have a plan that you can follow because you are hurting, emotionally drained and most of all confused. And in this state of confusion you will make many mistakes that will get you back together and hurt your chances of being unhappy.
I’ve seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my 11 years of experience helping people through separation).
Having a plan gives you direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling depressed and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.
This article is quite long. It also includes a case study, which you can read by clicking here. We strongly recommend that you read the whole article as it will help you understand not only what you need to do, but why you need to do it.
Step 1: Stop ruining your chances with neediness, insecurity and desperation.
Step 2: Cut off all contact with your ex. Give your ex what she has been asking for. Separation.
Step 3: While you’re out of contact, work on becoming someone you can be proud of. Become someone who can’t resist your ex-girlfriend.
Step 4: Contact your ex at the right time with the right message (hint: think of an elephant).
Step 5: Meet your ex to build attraction, connection and trust.
But what are these mistakes you keep talking about?
I’m glad you asked, because the first part of this guide is about these mistakes.
Let’s get started. Here’s how I’ve helped many of my clients get their exes back.
Step 1 – Don’t ruin your chances with neediness, insecurity and desperation by avoiding these deadly mistakes (also known as instincts).
I call this part “instinct” because all of these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts.
Most of the advice in this article is counter-intuitive, but it works.
When you read it you will understand why and it will all make sense.
So let’s start with the fatal mistakes you should avoid at all costs.
Fatal Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Her All The Time
Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then I have been messaging him every day and he rarely responds. I have to text him 100 times before he responds even once. I really love him and want to be with him but I don’t understand why he is behaving like this. He told me he loves me and then all of a sudden he acts like this.
This is the story of the majority of people who are desperate to get their ex boyfriends or girlfriends back. It is a big mistake to keep writing letters to your ex or keep calling him. In fact, it is a big mistake to call him even once. Your instincts will tell you that if you keep in touch with your ex, he will remember you and hopefully come back.
In reality, however, this is not the case. In fact, every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them that you are the one they need and that you are unhappy without them. This poverty is unattractive and will drive your ex further away from you.
You need to be very careful when you go out drinking. You may end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So when you go out drinking, make sure you take a friend with you who can prevent you from making that mistake.
But how can you get your ex-girlfriend back if you don’t call or text her?
In order to make her feel attracted to you again, you have to contact her in the right way. I will explain exactly how to do that in the steps that follow below.
Deadly Mistake #2: Begging and Trying to Take Advantage of Sympathy
If begging worked after a breakup, no one would ever break up with you again. They have made up their mind to leave you and are not going to go through with your begging and pleading.
Whatever the reason for the break-up, it will not change just because you begged. Begging will only make you look weak and insecure.
In the same way, your instincts will lead you to believe that if you show your ex that you can’t live without him (or that you are unhappy without him), he will take you back.
If you do this, your thought pattern will be
If he knows how unhappy I am without him, he will come back.
If he only knows that I cannot live without him, I will get him back.
Once again, your instincts are playing tricks on you.
Believe me, no one gets their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to unhappy people.
If that’s why your ex came back to you, do you really want him to stay with you out of pity or do you want him to respect and honor you?
Or do you want your ex to respect and love you?
A study conducted by Dr. Catherine Carnell, MS, PhD and Paula Pietromonaco PhD clearly suggests that most people choose a secure partner for a relationship, not an insecure person.
If you take a deep breath and think about it, you will realise that anything that makes you seem insecure will push you away. Begging, constant texting and general desperation are signs of insecurity and will not make your ex feel attracted to you or even think about getting back together.
Fatal Mistake #3: Letting them walk all over you.
Your instincts will tell you that your ex will come back if only you agree to everything they want. Your instincts tell you that your needs, your values, your desires and your goals are unimportant.
Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is getting your ex back. And you are willing to sacrifice anything to do so.
You’ll leave your ex to die, you’ll become a caretaker, you’ll give in to your ex’s ridiculous demands. But your instincts tell you it’s okay. Because the only thing that matters is that you have an ex-girlfriend.
Doormats in Relationships
Even if you agree with everything your ex says, it won’t make him come back. On the contrary, it will only make your ex respect you less.
If you don’t respect yourself, how can he respect you?
No one wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back they will leave you after a short time because they do not respect you as a person.
According to Dr. Ryan Howes and PsychCentral, all healthy relationships have boundaries. And if your relationship doesn’t have boundaries and self-esteem, you’re likely to end up in an unhealthy relationship.
Even if you do manage to get back together with your ex, it will only be an unhealthy relationship and will eventually end again.
Fatal Mistake #4: Showering her with affection.
Your instincts will tell you that your ex will come back if she understands how much you love her and how much you care about her. You have to make her believe that there is no one else in the world who loves her as much as you do.
Once they realise how much you love them, how can they reject you?
Crush your ex-girlfriend
The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still choose to break up with you. Whatever their reasons for breaking up with you, they will not magically disappear just because you love them. Your showering them with love will not change their minds.
The more you torment them, the more they feel trapped. This will only make them want to leave you as soon as possible.
Fatal Mistake #5: Freaking out when your EX starts dating.
The thought of your ex dating someone else is extremely uncomfortable. However, it’s actually not as bad as we make it out to be. We’ll talk about this later, but first let’s take a look at your instinctive reaction when you find out that your ex is dating someone else.
If I don’t do anything now, they will fall in love with that new person and forget about me forever. You should do all the things mentioned in this article.
I would try everything, including pleading, commiserating, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to their terms (being a doormat). If they don’t open the door, I will go out and call or text them all day.
I need to tell my ex that this new person is totally wrong for her and that she is making some big mistake being made by being in a relationship with this _ (INSERT DEROGATORIC NOTE).
I’m sure you’ll be able to understand what I’m talking about,beats by dre cheap. Most likely you will panic and make all the above mistakes.
The truth is that your ex is most likely to be in a rebound relationship (read: everything you need to know about rebound relationships).
And almost all rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for a lot of people to cope with breakups. Fortunately, it’s one of the least effective ways for you to move on. Just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on.
In fact, it means just the opposite. It means that they find it hard to move on, and as long as they are in that rebound relationship they will avoid sadness. And it means that it will take time for them to get over you.
A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It is unhealthy. It gives a false sense of serenity. And it ends when the flame ends. (The more you smoke, the quicker it ends).
The most important thing you can do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is to stay calm.
Whatever happens, don’t tell your ex to leave their rebound partner. Leave them to their own devices.
They have a big hole in their life after they break up with you and they are trying to fill it with someone new.
In most cases they will soon realise that a rebound relationship will not fill the hole and will end the relationship. (Do you think your relationship with him is more than just a rebound relationship? Read about the general pattern of rebound relationships. Or get your ex-girlfriend back when she moves on to a new boyfriend).
Fatal Mistake #6: Name Calling and Anger.
Calling your ex names out of anger or frustration is a common reaction for people who used to call their ex names in arguments. It is also common if the two of you were constantly threatening to break up.
It’s pretty obvious that this will only make your ex feel less attractive to you. Still, if you’re panicking and your instinct is to go into fight or flight mode, it won’t be too obvious.
If you were calling each other names or getting angry when you were fighting, then it’s likely that your instincts want you to do the same thing again when you break up.
Your instincts want you to believe that this is just a fight or an argument. And if you show your ex that you’re angry, he will calm down and tell you that he wants to get back together.
Just like you did when you fought.
This rarely works. If your ex is serious about leaving you, getting angry will only make him think that he was right to leave you.
Getting angry will remind her of all the bad fights and arguments that are slowly but surely eating away at the foundation of your relationship.
It will remind you not to let the two of you get together and make them feel that you are not the right person for them.
Case Study: Toxic Relationship Ends, Healthy Relationship Reborn
Fatal mistake #7: Obsession and misunderstanding
The obsessive thoughts that come after a bad breakup are perhaps the worst part of it.
Your mind is racing, trying to find the best way to get your ex back as quickly as possible.
Your mind wants a definite plan. You want a guarantee that things will work out with your ex in the future.
It asks you questions such as
“Will my ex ever come back?”
“Does my ex miss me?”
“Does he still love me?”
“What should I do now?”
“Am I going to date anyone anymore?”
“If he went on a date, does that mean it’s over?”
“He looked happy in the picture he posted on Instagram, does that mean he’s forgotten about me?”
“My ex added me on Snapchat. Does that mean he wants to get back together? Does that mean he wants me to get back in touch with him?”
If you write down all these questions that keep popping into your head, you will find that these questions are pretty much useless.
This is because it is impossible to know the correct answer to these questions. You or someone else can only guess the answers to these questions.
It is all about what is going on in your ex’s head. No one can know exactly what is going on in your ex’s head and what will happen in the future, unless your ex is an oracle.
It is true. Your ex wants you to get him back in the right way. He just doesn’t think you can do it.
These questions are the result of your mind trying to accomplish an impossible task. Your instincts have given your mind a job to do.
Imagine that your mind is like a computer that tries to find a solution to any problem you give it. Now imagine that your instincts are telling your mind to do the following
“Find a way to 100% guarantee that you will get back together with your ex. Make sure you don’t lose your ex at all costs. Find a way to do that as soon as possible, because your ex might move on. If I don’t, I (and by extension you) will have a hard time living with myself.”
Do you think there is a problem here?
Your fears and instincts are trying to find a way for your mind to change someone else’s free will. And there is not even enough time for that. On top of that, your instincts are threatening your very survival.
No wonder your mind is going into overdrive.
These questions alone won’t get rid of your ex, though. But when your mind is working in overdrive, it’s more likely to make mistakes.
Many of the above mistakes are caused by poor judgement; by not thinking things through and panicking. In fact, a study published in the Journal of Neuroscience illustrates how anxiety can interfere with judgment.
If you panic, feel anxious all the time and are obsessed with the break-up, you are likely to make mistakes that will push your ex away and make you even more anxious.
If your ex calls you, you might take it as a sign that they want to get back together and start talking about how much you still love them.
If your ex tells you that he still thinks about you, you might be tempted to drive home with flowers and chocolates, thinking it’s like one of those reunion stories in the movies.
If your ex posts a photo on social media with someone of the opposite sex, you may start to get frightened, assuming they’re dating and making all the mistakes I mentioned above.
If you discover that she likes someone’s photo on Instagram, your mind may jump to the conclusion that she wants to sleep with them. You might call her and act controlling or borderline crazy.
The best way to avoid a misunderstanding is to simply do nothing for a while. Only after your mind has calmed down and you are no longer so panicked.
It is also advisable not to listen to your friends and family during this time. Even if they have the best intentions, most people cannot analyse a break-up and work out the best course of action that will lead to you getting back together.
What if I’ve already made these mistakes?
Chances are that you have already made at least one of these post-breakup mistakes. Don’t worry, even the wisest monk in the Himalayas or someone with a master’s degree in psychology from Harvard University often makes these mistakes after a breakup.
It is human nature to try to hold on to what is important to us. So please don’t beat yourself up about it.
What you can do now is to realise that these mistakes will not help you to get back together with him and to end them immediately. Move on to the next step of repairing all the damage you have done.
Case Study. Jenny has made all of these mistakes. Her ex-boyfriend was in a hole. But she still managed to get him back!
Step 2 – Stop contacting your ex. Give yourself time and space to give your ex what he or she wanted. Break up
If you’ve ever looked online at breakups and how to get your ex back, you’ll know that there’s something called the ‘no contact rule’.
It’s simple and extremely effective.
All you have to do is stop all communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes doing the following
No phone calls
No Facebook messages
No online contact of any kind (IM, Twitter, Whatsapp, Snapchat)
No ‘random’ interactions with him (you know what that means).
No hanging out with mutual friends in the hope of meeting your ex.
You don’t have to keep an eye on your friends.
Why not make contact?
For these three reasons
Reasons to stop contacting your ex: Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the break-up and to miss you.
There is a common misconception that if you don’t keep in touch with your ex, he or she will forget about you.
But in reality, you are giving your ex time to miss you even more and he will keep wondering why you don’t get in touch with him.
Remember all the mistakes from part 1 of this guide. Every single one of them leads your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend to think that you are the one who needs them. By not keeping in touch with them, you instantly become a non-poor person in their eyes.
On top of that, your ex is asking you to leave them. And until you give them a breakup, they will never really know how it feels to lose you.
Reasons to end contact with your ex: You need some space and time too.
You need to get a grip on yourself and gain some perspective.
The fact is, you’re confused after a breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to see if it’s in your best interest to stay with your ex or not.
Perhaps you just miss your ex because you are used to being with him.
Before you try to get back together with your ex, you need to learn to enjoy your life without him. You have to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex.
You will eventually realise that you do not need your ex to make you happy.
But there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.
Happiness is something that is within you.
Reasons to cut off contact with your ex: To get your ex back, you need to be confident.
In the meantime you need to become an attractive and happy person. You need to take a step back and reassess your life. You need to make positive changes in your life.
When you meet your ex again after the no-contact period, you need to make sure that he or she finds you attractive. And the best way to do this is to start enjoying your life and become a happier person overall.
Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing him forever.
If you want to recover from a break-up, you need to stop adding to the stress caused by direct or indirect contact with your ex. According to a study published in the Taylor and Francis Online Journal, stalking your ex on Facebook is a major source of personal distress. A study published in the Taylor and Francis Online Journal explains that stalking an ex on Facebook can be a major source of distress for individuals.
And while you are in distress, you cannot grow or become a better version of yourself. Wouldn’t it be better to cut off contact with your ex, recover from the break-up, and become more self-aware before you talk to him again?
If you want to know more about why you should do this, read this article.
How long do I have to be out of contact?
No contact for 30 days
Basically, the no contact period should be long enough for you to sort out your feelings and get comfortable with life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days.
However, in some cases it can be anywhere from two weeks to six months.
Your ex during the no contact period
At this point you may be wondering how the no contact period affects your ex and what you can do about it. This section covers most of the questions you may have about the no-contact period. If you want to know more, read this article.
Should I tell my ex that I don’t want to be in contact with him anymore?
Ideally, no. You want them to wonder what happened and why you haven’t been in touch. You want to keep your ex in your thoughts as much as possible. Saying you won’t be in touch for a while won’t achieve that goal.
However, if your ex calls or texts you every day, you need to let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a little while. Try not to give them any details. Just tell them not to contact you until you have decided to contact them. Let them know that you need some space and time at the moment.
Wouldn’t it be rude if I didn’t contact my ex?
Wouldn’t it have been rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging? Yet you would do anything to be with him. Sometimes rudeness isn’t as bad as you think.
Besides, you are not in touch with your own spiritual peace and happiness. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself. Remember that by not contacting you are setting clear boundaries and putting your own happiness above that of your ex. And there’s nothing wrong with setting clear boundaries in a relationship, even if it’s with your ex.
Do I have to respond to my ex’s text messages while I’m out of touch?
In most cases, you should not respond to your ex’s text messages when you are not in contact. See How do I reply to a text message from my ex?
Should I answer my ex’s phone calls during a period of no contact?
No, you should not answer your ex’s phone calls. The only exception to this is if you are almost at the end of your no contact period and you already have a good feeling about it. You should not answer the phone if you think that talking to your ex will cause you to become obsessed with him again.
What if my ex moves on during the no contact period?
What if my ex meets someone and gets married while I’m out of touch?
What if my ex forgets about me while I’m out of touch?
These are good questions. And the answer to all of these questions is NO, they won’t.
If you and your ex were in a serious relationship they will not be able to move on quickly. In fact, not keeping in touch will only make them miss you more and remind them of all the good things that have happened. You need to take drastic action here. The alternative to no contact is creeping like your ex and constantly texting and acting like a stalker, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You have no other choice.
Is there any way to shorten the restraining order? Like a week or a few days for example.
You want your ex to give you a few days off? You want an avalanche of emails and then another few days?
No, it’s not.
It takes time for people to let go of the negative associations they have after a breakup and start to miss their exes.
You have to give it to them.
And most importantly, you need to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.
If you don’t change for the better, your ex will never be able to convince himself that he wants to get back together with you.
What if I have children with my ex?
If you have children, you will need to make limited contact. This means that you only talk to your ex when you need to.
You will only talk to your ex about your children and important things.
Do not talk about personal things. If your ex asks you a personal question, you can tell them something like this
“I’m not ready to talk about my personal life right now.” “I’d like you to keep it to talking about the children for now.”
What if I’m living with my ex?
If you both live together, it can be difficult to get some distance without contacting each other. So we strongly advise you to find a way to move out. At least for the time being.
Explain to your ex that living with your ex-girlfriend is difficult for you at the moment and that you want to move out temporarily. Tell him that you will make a decision about your living situation later, when you are able to think clearly.
If you are unable to move out, limit your contact. Only talk to your ex on important occasions and don’t discuss personal matters. Create a space in your home for yourself and only be in that space.
My ex thought I wasn’t paying enough attention to them and wasn’t involved enough. If I don’t keep in touch, will they feel like I don’t care and make them want to move on?
That’s a big worry for someone who hasn’t made any effort to make the relationship work. But they want to make the effort even after the breakup.
If you’re reading this article, it means that you’re trying to convince your partner that this time will be different. You are trying to be more committed, to work harder, to be more committed. That you care about them.
And it didn’t work.
The reason it didn’t work is because your ex thinks you’re afraid of losing her. Because they think you care because you don’t want to lose her. And keeping in touch with them confirms that belief.
Your ex believes that if you win them back, you’ll go back to your old ways.
And the best way for them to overcome that belief is for you to show them that you are no longer needy and desperate by not keeping in touch.
To help them heal and think things through, you can let them know in advance that you will not be keeping in touch. This does not mean that you don’t care about them and that you move on. It just means that you should take the time to find out what your problems are and what you can do to overcome them.
This sincere step of looking at yourself and finding a solution to your problem will do wonders when you try to convince her after you have finished contacting her to break up.
What would your ex think if you didn’t contact her for 30 or 60 days?
That’s a good question.
Actually, it’s not a good question.
Rather, it is one of those questions that can easily lead to panic on your part.
As I said before, we can never know what is going on in another person’s mind. Unless we are mind readers.
But let me tell you what usually happens when your ex stops contacting you after a breakup.
If you kept in touch after the breakup, your ex didn’t have to think about what happened when you broke up. Sure, they made the decision to break up with you, and they probably think the break up was the right decision.
However, they have never really had to deal with a break-up because you pretend they still had you.
A break-up means losing someone you love. And if they have never really felt like they have lost you, then they have never really experienced a break-up.
They never grieved and never felt like there was a black hole from hell in the pit of their stomach.
There is a good chance that your ex will face grief when you stop communicating with them. How they deal with that grief is another matter altogether.
They may start contacting you every day.
They may get angry.
They may shut down and start to ignore you completely. Most of the time, this is only temporary. So don’t worry about it. Let your panic calm you down 🙂
They may start stalking you on social media or through mutual friends.
They may decide to stop contacting you to help you recover from the break-up.
He may contact you casually, see what you’re up to and pretend to be interested in you. In other words, they will throw you a bone. And if you grab it, they will know that you are still their favourite and that they have all the power over you.
(Click here for more information on signs during the No Contact Rule).
CASE STUDY: I fell head over heels for my ex during the No Contact Rule. But not in a good way.
Step 3 – Try to be someone you can be proud of during the no contact rule. Become someone who can’t resist your ex.
This is where most people fail. No contact is useless if you don’t try to make positive changes in your life during this time.
If you want to stay at home and be miserable for the next month, things won’t change after the no contact period is over.
Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there are some benefits to spending some time alone, grieving and analysing your relationship.
However, you need to balance this with things that bring you joy. You need to get out and enjoy life. You need to find the things that make you happy and do them. You need to learn that you can be happy without your ex.
You have to reclaim your individuality, then you have to reclaim your ex.
Are you happy?
Here’s how to do it.
Positive changes in your appearance
A positive change in your appearance will give you a new you. You will feel like a new person and you will feel better.
And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, he will see a new you.
Here are a few things you can do to help
Get your hair done. Go to the hairdresser and find out what’s in style these days.
Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
Get into the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and work out. It is also good for your mental health because exercise releases endorphins which make you happy.
Get some new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better.
Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic now. You don’t want to make any physical changes that you will regret for the rest of your life (e.g. getting a tattoo of your lost love).
Positive changes in your thinking
Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back.
You need to understand that happiness and confidence are things that you can get by working on yourself.
Here are a few ideas to help you build your confidence and become a happier person.
Learn how to be happy without your ex
Instead of staying at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make you feel better.
Make time to grieve. I know how difficult it can be to be happy after a break-up. I remember being a complete mess for at least two weeks. I wasn’t sleeping properly, I wasn’t eating properly and I was thinking about my ex all day long. In a way, this is the time you need. You give yourself time to be sad every day. If you want to feel sad and frustrated, then go ahead. But also try to do things that make you feel good.
Write in a diary. Write down your thoughts and feelings. Writing is therapeutic and it will probably help you to release any feelings that have built up inside you. Research has shown that expressive writing can help you to regain your composure during stressful times.
Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always enjoy spending time with you. Go out and spend some quality time with them.
Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and your strengths. Be proud of who you are. Accept yourself as you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which isn’t very attractive) comes from doubting yourself. Confidence, on the other hand, comes from awareness and acceptance of ourselves.
Go on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you’re reading this, I suggest you definitely go on a few dates before you end up in contact with your ex. It is essential that you get perspective now and in my opinion, meeting new people is the best way to do that.
Positive changes in your behaviour and habits
In many cases, your habits and behaviour are what caused your ex to break up with you. If you are struggling with issues that you think caused the break-up, it’s time to work on them. Some examples of these issues are
Lack of passion
Lack of personal hygiene
Lack of motivation in life
Lack of communication skills
Lack of social skills
Inability to trust
Inability to get involved
If you think any of these apply to you, now is the time to work on the problem. If you’re not sure how to tackle these issues, talk to a counsellor or therapist. If you’re not sure if therapy is right for you, read this article from Healthline about the benefits of talk therapy.
You can also read my email series where I talk about how to work through some of these issues.
Analyse your relationship
Ask yourself. Why do I want to get back together with my ex? If you answer something like .
I love my ex.
I can’t live without my ex.
I can’t live without my ex.
He/she was the only one for me.
I can’t live without my ex.
Then you are still suffering from denial and bargaining after the break-up. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after a break-up.
It is very common to want your ex back after a break-up.
However, this is not always the right decision.
Even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you may still want to rekindle your relationship with your ex because you miss it.
Our minds often confuse the act of missing someone with ‘love’. It’s normal to miss your ex after being with them for a long time.
But that doesn’t necessarily mean that you still love them.
Look at it this way: every relationship has problems, arguments and disagreements. But if you break up, something went wrong in your relationship.
You need to analyse what went wrong and realise if it is a good idea to get back together.
Advantages and disadvantages of your relationship
Did your ex have any disadvantages?
If you listen to your heart, all you will hear is that you love your ex and you want him back. Instead, try to think with your heart. Think logically.
Analyse the pros and cons of your relationship.
Analyse the strengths and weaknesses of your ex.
Analyse what your goals in life are and whether your relationship with your ex is in line with those goals. (Read: Should you get your ex back?).
Remember that your ex does not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy.
Understand yourself, love yourself, be grateful for what you have, understand your life purpose and pursue it.
Do you really think you can have a happy and lasting relationship with your ex?
Do you really think that the reasons for your break-up are not important?
You have a big decision to make now.
That’s why you need to make sure it’s the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush it.
Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start to feel happier about your life without your ex, you will realise whether getting your ex back is the right decision or not.
And if you are convinced that it is the right decision, then you need to find a way to fix what was broken in your relationship.
Find out what was broken and how you can fix it.
Almost all the success stories I have met have one thing in common. They all understood exactly what went wrong in the relationship and how to fix it.
There are so many reasons why a relationship can fail that it is impossible to list them all here. Furthermore, each situation is unique and so are the solutions to each situation.
However, in most cases, the reason for a break-up can be traced back to the loss of one of the following
Feeling of attraction
Were you arguing a lot? You were having communication problems, losing connection.
Were you controlling and insecure? You had self-esteem issues which caused you to lose attraction.
Was your ex unwilling to commit? Your ex did not feel a strong bond with you.
Did you cheat on him or did he cheat on you? The relationship ended because of a breakdown in trust.
Was your relationship stressful? You didn’t spend enough time together and lost your attraction.
Did your relationship become monotonous? You lost attraction and sexual connection.
You need to find out the real reason for the break-up. It’s not just about what they said to you when you broke up. Try to find out what happened in the relationship that drove them to the point of breaking up with you.
There is a good chance that your ex loved you very much and that breaking up with you was a hard decision for them too.
Your ex boyfriend is equally sad and unhappy about this breakup.
If you really love them, you owe it to them and to yourself to figure out what caused the breakup and how to fix it.
If you do not know how to fix what is broken, you will never get them back. And even if you do manage to get them back, you will break up with them again for the same reason.
“Without everyone’s self-reflection and growth, reconciled couples can expect to revert to old patterns after the honeymoon period and eventually break up again, permanently.” Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., LMFT, says, Ex Back Permanently.
And it will be even more painful the second time around. For both of you.
If you want to get your ex back permanently, it is important that you do this. Once you are sure that you can fix everything that was broken in your relationship, move on to the next step which is contacting your ex.
Analyzing the breakup to find out what went wrong can also help tremendously with healing from the breakup and emotional recovery. (According to a study by Grace M. Larson, PhD and David Sbarra, PhD, published in Sagepub).
Case study. He came back, but it wasn’t a happy ending
Step 4 – Contact your ex at the right time with the right message to reset your image and make him attractive again.
Do you remember when your ex broke up with you? They thought you were a clingy, desperate person with little self-esteem and no need for them.
After not hearing from you for a while, they wondered what had happened to you.
Slowly they will forget this image of you and start to remember what they liked about you.
They will start to remember what they thought was attractive about you.
And that’s when you contact them, talk to them and meet them. The moment they set their eyes on you, BOOM.
This is the new and improved you.
YOU version 2.0.
They can’t help but wonder what brought about such a positive change in you.
Attracting your ex again
“You look fantastic. You smell fantastic. You look like you’re doing great things with your life. You look like you’re working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and engaging. You look catchy.” Why did they break up again?” – Exes.
To do this, you need to do two things
To actually make a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
To get in touch with your ex and meet him or her somewhere.
If you’ve been following this guide so far, you know how to approach the first point. Now let’s go straight to the second point.
When should you get in touch with your ex?
The right time to get in touch with your ex is when you’re ready. It’s not about when they will miss you the most, it’s about when you are ready to deal with it and won’t be needy and desperate again.
Believe me, a lot of guys and girls mess up because they contact their ex before they are ready. It usually works because your ex misses you for not contacting them, but as soon as they realise that you were pretending, they turn cold again. And they can always tell if you are faking it or not.
So here are some things you should check before contacting your ex.
You must follow the no contact rule for at least two weeks. (Read more about the no contact rule here).
You are not as confused as you were after the break-up.
You have made some positive changes in your life.
You are convinced that getting back together with your ex is a good decision. (Check it out here).
You went on at least one date during the time you were out of touch.
I accepted the break-up and the fact that I might not get back together with my ex and that it might not be for me.
I accepted the fact that even if you don’t get back together with your ex, you’ll be fine because there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness. (Read more about how to have the right attitude after the no contact period is over)
What is the right way to get in touch with your ex?
The best way to get in touch with your ex is to send them a text message, an email or a handwritten letter.
Wouldn’t it be nice to get a handwritten letter in the post?
It doesn’t really matter how you contact your ex. It’s the content of the message that matters. I call this the “Elephant in The Room Message”, which is a way of acknowledging the “Elephant in the Room” (the fact that you two broke up and what happened afterwards) and regaining your image in your ex’s eyes. The message is designed to help you regain your image in your ex’s eyes.
This message has three purposes
To let your ex know that you have accepted the break-up. To let your ex know that you have accepted the break-up and that you think it is for the best.
To let your ex know that you are not the person they need anymore because you did not want to accept the break-up.
You want to apologise for your inappropriate behaviour after the break-up.
You want to forgive and forget everything that happened in the past.
You want to let her know that something exciting is happening in your life. Try not to give too much away here. Just let her know that something good is happening in your life.
You would like to talk about it, but not now. Because the two of you need time and space.
You want to give them something to think about.
They will think about what is going on in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using your curiosity to get your ex to contact you.
Of course, something has to be going on in your life. Therefore, it is absolutely important that you make positive changes in your life before contacting your ex.
If you would like a sample of the messages written for you, you can download my free report, The 5 Elephant in the Room Texts, by clicking here.
Case Study 5: An ex broke up with her. But he used the right message at the right time to win her back.
Text messages are ideal to use after a handwritten letter to build attraction. You can skip the handwritten letter and go straight to the text message.
You know your situation and your ex better than anyone else, so it’s up to you to decide whether to use text messages only, letters only, or both.
In most cases, we recommend a letter or an elephant in the room text before attempting to talk casually to your ex. An effective first contact letter can make a big difference to the way your ex thinks about you.
Text messages are a great way to increase your attraction to your ex. They are short, personal and you can be sure that your ex will read your texts.
Used well, they can make your ex light up with excitement when they see a message from you. For more information on how to win your ex back using text messages, read this article.
Send your ex a text message
It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to receive a text from you.
The key to using text messaging is to have fun. I don’t usually recommend using texting for serious conversations, as it can be very distracting.
However, if you have no other choice then make sure you do it by being honest without being needy. (I talk more about this in my article on text messaging).
Now, there are many other things you can do by text. But the most important point remains the same. Be subtle. Be proactive. Be funny.
Now, you want to go from creepy ex-girlfriend to funny sidekick, right?
Of course, you’re going to take things slowly; you don’t want to get too personal. You want to make a connection with them, rebuilding your attraction over text messages before you meet in person.
Once you have spent enough time with them and are attracted to them then you need to ask them out.
(See more on texting your ex and building attraction through texting).
Ask your ex out on a date.
Don’t say “date”.
Don’t call it a date.
If you do, your ex will be on her defense faster than Garfield can find lasagna. You don’t want her to think you want to get back together.
At least not yet.
She wants you to stay friends. And you can build attraction while you’re with them.
If you’ve done your homework properly, confidence and charm will ooze out of every inch of you.
And that works twice as well for your ex as it does for anyone else.
Because at some point they were already attractive to you. You’re not a stranger to them; you’re a familiar face who finds them very attractive.
The best way to ask them out is to call them.
Maybe they just need a little push.” Come on, let’s have some fun.” or “Hey, it’s just coffee.” It’s not a big deal.” is enough.
Don’t push too hard.
Like, “Come on.”
“Like, “Come on.” Or, “Just once, go out with me.” Like, “Please, please, please.”
“You broke up with me, you broke my heart, please just go out with me for once.”
Remember, you don’t owe your ex anything. Treat him like an acquaintance you’d like to get to know better.
If he promises to meet you, there’s a good chance he’ll want to get back together. But it’s not over yet.
Here are some examples An ex who refuses to see you but keeps dragging you down
Step 5 – Meet with your ex to build attraction, connection and trust. When the time is right, talk about getting back together.
Your ex will be a little sceptical when you meet him. Even if you’ve built up enough attraction and connection over the phone or text messages, they will wonder if it’s all a facade and if you’ve really changed.
They will wonder if you still need them, and are desperate.
And when they do meet you, their bullshit radar will be on high alert. They will judge everything you say or do. They may say things to test your reaction.
To make sure you don’t mess up, here are some pointers.
Do your homework and be prepared for the worst.
When you meet your ex, you really need to be prepared to lose him. If there is still neediness and desperation in you, your ex will sniff it out from a mile away.
So if you still feel needy, cancel or postpone your meeting.
This is a test to see if you are ready to meet her. Only take this test if you are no longer in contact and plan to meet your ex.
You will have to click on the image to enlarge it, because we don’t want you to take this test if you have just started this project. Once you have stopped contacting him, please come back to this page and do this test.
Test whether you’re ready to see your ex or not.
Watch for the SH*T test
Your ex is likely to say and do things to see if you still need them or if you are desperate. They will try to see if you have really changed, or if everything you have said and done has just been a charade to win them back.
They may bring up something from the past or say something that they know will set you off.
For example, let’s say you have a problem with jealousy or control. They may casually bring up the fact that they just went on a date to see how you would react.
They may react that you are still in control and that they know your face even if you don’t say anything.
No matter what happens, it is important to remain calm. If you get angry or distressed, she will think that you haven’t changed at all and she will most likely start ignoring you again after the break-up.
Keep in mind that being calm is not the same as being a doormat. If something is important to you, insist on it. Remember that boundaries are important. Your own happiness and well-being is more important than getting your ex back. If there are serious problems in the relationship or in the break-up, deal with them. But do so without being angry or needy.
It helps enormously if your communication skills are on point before you meet your ex. This article talks about what you should do after a breakup.
Case Study Mindy wasn’t ready to meet her ex and it showed.
DON’T TALK ABOUT GETTING BACK TOGETHER YET.
Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. So, on your first date, focus on having a good time with your ex. When the subject of getting back together comes up, just listen to what they have to say.
If they ask for your opinion, just say that you still have feelings for them but you are not sure if getting back together is the right decision. It means that you both need to take your time.
Don’t jump at the first opportunity to get your ex back. Be sceptical about getting back together.
They broke your heart once, what’s stopping them from doing it again?
Have they changed and become a better person too?
If the two of you get back together, will the same problems crop up again?
Establishing an equal relationship
You don’t want your ex to think that you are chasing them. That’s why you need to establish an equal relationship with them.
You want them to be in touch with you in the same way that you are in touch with them. You want them to make the same effort to meet you as you make to meet them.
This is in line with the scepticism mentioned earlier. You don’t want to get back together yet. You want to see how things are going with your ex.
If your ex or ex-girlfriend doesn’t really want to make things work with you, then you shouldn’t have an ex or ex-girlfriend. You have done your best and shown them the best version of yourself.
If they still don’t think you are worth their time, then you need to start thinking about moving on.
Have boundaries and move out of the friend zone.
One of the worries that most people have at this stage is that it might put them in their former friend zone. To avoid this, you need to set some boundaries and have an equal relationship with them.
You are friends, but you are also ex-lovers.
The relationship should be casual, but there should also be sexual chemistry.
The relationship should be respectful, but it should also be flirtatious.
If you follow all the things mentioned in this article, your ex will most likely be very attracted to you. However, if you still feel that they are trying to push you into the friend zone, there are three principles you can follow
Build sexual chemistry, but don’t sleep with them.
Don’t let them talk about other romantic interests. If they ask you for advice about their dating life (something most people do with their friends), tell them you’re their friend but you don’t want to know or talk about who they’re dating or having sex with. That you still have feelings for them and they need to respect your boundaries.
If they do not respect your boundaries, be ready to leave. Don’t act needy or desperate, just break off contact. If you keep your word, they will respect you more and are more likely to apologise later.