How to get your ex-girlfriend back – 15 steps you need to take


By Justin Brown

Life just isn’t the same without them.

You find yourself missing them, wanting to pick up the phone and tell them you miss them and pine for the good times.

So now you want to know.

How to get your ex-boyfriend back.

But how can you do that?

Firstly, picking up the phone won’t work. Instead, you need to change a few things in your life in order to come back with your ex and make a new start for both you and him/her.

It’s frustrating, and creating some change in your life can be difficult. But it is essential if you want to get your ex back.

Before we get into your 15 key steps to getting back with your ex, go through these signs that signal you will be able to get your ex back.

3 clear signs that you can get back with your ex
get back together with your ex
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Image credit: Shutterstock – by Peter Berni
There are nuances to everything in a relationship, even breakups. Not all relationships are completely irretrievable.

In fact, a breakup may just be what you need to grow into to be a better fit for each other.

So, how do you know if your relationship is worth a second chance?

If, even after all that time and space, you still have feelings for each other, consider sitting down with them to discuss how your relationship can move forward.

However, your feelings alone shouldn’t determine whether you should get back together with your ex.

In order to nurture a real, healthy relationship, both parties need to offer stability, respect, openness and kindness; love alone will not help a relationship survive a second time.

Some exes have a better chance of reconnecting than others. Here are some situations in which getting back together is not a problem

  1. you are still compatible
    It’s rare to meet someone who is so compatible and comfortable with you.

If during the course of your dating life you realise that no one can compare to your ex and that you still have the spark you had together, take it as a sign that you and this person have something truly special.

  1. you didn’t break up because of cheating, violence or incompatible core values.
    Relationships that end because of physical and emotional abuse, cheating and differences in core values are rarely salvageable because they break down trust, respect and the solid foundation necessary for any healthy relationship.

But if your reasons for breaking up don’t include these things, there’s a chance you can patch things up and try again.

  1. You broke up because of circumstances
    Maybe you broke up because he needed to move to another state for work. Maybe you weren’t meant to be in a serious relationship.

Whatever the reason, an ex who breaks up because of circumstances has the strongest chance of rekindling the passion, precisely because there are always ways to improve your timing if the breakup was due to circumstances rather than personal differences.

Other reasons may not be as straightforward, but they may still make perfect sense. These reasons include

You understand what went wrong Sometimes relationships can go so wrong that there’s nothing you can do about it.

But if you start to see your mistakes in hindsight and find the willingness to improve who you are to compliment your partner, you both may have a fighting chance to save the relationship.

Your problems are fixable.

Not all problems in a relationship are completely unsalvageable.

For example, most communication problems can be avoided by setting some ground rules and taking the other person’s feelings into account. If your problems stem from things that can be fixed, know that you can still fight to salvage the relationship.

You feel awful when you’re not together.

It’s completely normal to feel like a part of you is missing after a breakup.

However, if you still feel this way after giving yourself time to heal, maybe it’s more of an indication that you still have feelings for the other person.

You want to compromise.

It’s one thing to know you were wrong, it’s another thing to want to make amends.

If you or your ex get to a point where you are both willing to sit down, compromise and make things work out, this is definitely a good sign that the relationship has a fighting chance.

You are now in agreement on things. Different goals and outlooks on life can get in the way, especially if you’re already trying to settle down, build a life with someone, and start a family.

With time and experience, there will be room for both of you to grow and learn from different people. Time may be all you need just to get on the same page.

Well, now that we’ve figured out that you can get back with your ex, here are the key steps

15 steps to getting your ex back

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  1. Find out if they still care about you
    Before going through these key steps to get back with your ex, you need to find out if they still care about you.

This really is key.

Although the relationship is over, the chances are pretty high that your ex has a soft spot in their heart just for you.

If they do, it will be much easier for you to get them back.

In fact, that space you occupy in their heart will be your strongest ally in your efforts to get your ex back.

However, if you find that your ex has stopped caring about you and has made it clear that they don’t want you in their life, it’s better to stop now than to let your efforts go to waste.

In fact, if that’s the case, you’re probably better off without them.

You have a few options for finding out if your ex cares about you. You may already know the answer deep down. Or you could ask a mutual friend for their opinion.

Finding out the answer to your question is crucial. Once you know, then move on to step two.

  1. Give them space
    Now that you have concluded that your ex cares about you, you need to move on to this step immediately.

Step two is the most important step, but unfortunately also the most difficult.

Here it is.

Don’t do anything!

Take your time and give your ex some space. This is absolutely essential.

There are several reasons for this.

Firstly, you need to take some time to reflect on yourself and the things that have gone wrong in the relationship. To do this, it’s important to move from worrying about things to simply reflecting on how good or bad the relationship was.

It’s too easy to fall into worry mode if you’re going to see your ex soon.

Secondly, by giving your ex space, you are also giving him or her time to reflect as well.

It may seem like your ex will move on once he or she has had some space. This is a risk you have to take.

I know it may seem difficult and counter-intuitive to give your ex space, but leaving them alone is one of the best ways to really get them back in your life.

However, you have to do it in a very specific way. You don’t want to simply cut off all communication. You have to talk to your ex’s subconscious mind and make it seem like you really, really don’t want to talk to them right now.

Pro Tip.

Send this “no communication” text

  • “You’re right. It’s best if we don’t talk right now, but I hope to eventually become friends.” –

This one needs to be sent to your ex at the right time to be really effective.

But why I like it is because you’re communicating to them that you really don’t need to talk anymore. In essence, you’re saying that you really don’t need them to play any role in your life anymore.

Why is this good?

You’re inducing a ‘fear of loss’ in your ex, which will trigger their attraction to you again.

I learned about this text from Brad Browning, who has helped thousands of men and women get their exes back. There’s a reason he’s nicknamed “The Relationship Geek”.

In this free video, he will show you exactly what you can do to make your ex want you again.

No matter what your situation is – or how bad you’ve been since the two of you broke up – he’ll give you some useful tips that you can apply immediately.

Here’s the link to his free video again. If you really want your ex back, this video will help you do just that.

  1. Don’t give in to what your ex wants.
    Okay, so you’ve figured out that your ex still cares about you and you’ve managed to give them space and stop contacting them.

Soon, there is a good chance that your ex will reach out to you.

This is likely to happen, and when it does, your ex will want to talk about what they feel they need more from your relationship.

If your ex happens to contact you, don’t let your emotions get the better of you, give them what they want and tell them you’ll do anything to make them stay.

Don’t ever. Do. Do this.

Begging or pandering to someone’s needs can make you look very unattractive. You may think it’s helping you win your ex back, but chances are they’ll lose interest again soon.

Maintain your dignity and know your worth.

If you give them what they want, your ex will think they can control you. A manipulative partner is the last thing you want.

Avoid this by being firm in your decision and showing them your true strengths.

  1. Don’t give too much away emotionally
    By showing your strong side and having clear boundaries, you are showing your ex a new and stronger side of who you really are.

This is attractive and it can lead to starting to spend more time with your ex.

When this happens, you need to avoid showing too much affection.

Showing too much affection through long messages, constant phone calls and other sticky gestures can also make you look desperate.

Avoid these things and let your ex make the first move.

Don’t act like a love-sick puppy; instead, make your ex wonder what you’re up to.

Without your constant nagging, they may soon find themselves missing your cheerful presence.

Soon enough, curiosity will get the better of your ex and, you’ll be one step closer to getting them back.

  1. Reflect on the relationship
    If you want to get your ex back, you need to reflect on your relationship.

What went right? What went wrong? And most importantly, how can you show your ex that things will be better the second time around?

Because you can’t repeat the mistakes of the past.

For women, I think it’s necessary to take some time to reflect on what really motivates men in relationships.

Because men see the world differently than you do and are motivated differently when it comes to love.

Men have an inherent desire for something ‘greater’ that goes beyond love or sex. This is why men who seem to have the ‘perfect girlfriend’ remain unhappy and find themselves constantly searching for something else – or worst of all, someone else.

Simply put, men have a biological drive to feel wanted, to feel important and to provide for the women he cares about.

Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the hero instinct. He has created an excellent free video to explain this concept.

Click here to watch the video.

As James argues, male desire is not complicated, it’s just misunderstood. Instincts are a powerful driver of human behaviour, and this is especially true for how men approach their relationships.

How do you trigger this instinct in him? How do you give him a sense of meaning and purpose?

You don’t have to pretend to be anything you’re not or play the ‘damsel in distress’. You don’t have to downplay your strength or independence in any way, shape or form.

In an authentic way, you just need to show your man what you need and give him permission to step up and meet it.

In his video, James Bauer outlines several things you can do. He reveals phrases, texts and little requests that you can use right now to make him feel more important to you.

Here’s the link to the video again.

By triggering this very natural male instinct, you will not only put his confidence into overdrive, but you will help you get back together – forever.

  1. Elevate yourself
    You’ve shown your boundaries, given your ex space and started spending more time with him and her.

You have started to create some changes in your own life and become such a strong person.

Well done!

Here is the next step.

You need to continue to focus on improving yourself.

Changing yourself for the better is an effective way to show your positive side.

Just make sure to change, not for the sake of your ex, but mainly for your own sake.

Improving other areas of your life, such as your appearance, attitude and mindset, will help you in the long run.

Try getting a new haircut, a new style and changing your negative traits.

Work on yourself and be the best you can be.

Let the pain you feel when breaking up and losing someone you have such strong feelings for become the motivation to make yourself better.

There is nothing more attractive than being with someone who can take control of your life.

Related Links How to love yourself. 15 steps to believe in yourself again

  1. Do some physical activity
    This works on two levels: whenever you engage in some physical activity (going to the gym, running, hiking), you’re giving your body endorphins that make you feel good.

These hormones act as a pick-me-up and can soften the blow of a break-up. Exercise allows you to channel your energy into something other than the breakup.

Another benefit is obviously getting in better shape.

Transforming your body into a better version of yourself is not only physically attractive – a good body shows discipline and control, two qualities your ex may find you lacking.

By taking the time to exercise and get into better shape, you’ll eventually show your ex that you’re capable of taking care of yourself, and by extension, them.

  1. Be happy with your life now.
    It can be difficult – if not impossible – to be happy while wanting your ex back.

But now there are some easy ways to be happy.

Take a look at the video I’ve created below and you can actually start being happy right away. It’s a different way of looking at how to be happy.

This may sound a bit strange, but the first thing you need to do is stop trying to be happy!

Then you need to find the feelings you deeply desire to have and make a list of the things in your life that are already giving you those feelings.

You are doing something very powerful. You are beginning to see that you have the power to make yourself happy.

The key point is to stop relying on your ex to be happy. You’re using the space you got from your ex to start learning to generate your own happiness.

It’s a super hard thing to do, but the benefits are huge. Watch the video above and work on it!

You’ll find that when you start spending time with your ex again, you’ll be a completely different person. You won’t be dependent on them for your happiness.

If you want a foolproof plan to get your ex back, check out our new free eBook – The Ex Boyfriend Handbook. Grab your free copy here.

Your ex will feel the difference.

Related links. 17 ways to get your ex back (that never fail)

  1. Work on your personality
    The next time you see your ex, you actually want them to see that you’ve developed into a better person. It’s not about changing who you are, it’s about improving and adding to your personality.

Think of it this way: your ex broke up with you. Whatever the reason for this, it is rooted in what you can currently offer the relationship.

Maybe your ex feels that you are irresponsible or that you have nothing to offer as a partner. Either way, they feel there are some areas you can definitely improve on.

This is why it’s important to start developing your personality. Being in a relationship with someone for so long can change who you are as a person – and not always for the better.

Now is the time to rediscover who you are and embrace hobbies and studies that will make you more interesting.

Now that you finally have time, do all the things you said you would do when you were in love.

Go on that solo backpacking trip. Start learning a new language. Take up a new hobby. Even if it’s as simple as reading an interesting book.

The key is to add something to your life that stimulates the spirit. Interesting people attract other interesting people.

Your drive to become a better person will certainly make your ex think twice about dumping you.

  1. Spend time with others
    If you’re still not getting anywhere with your ‘get your ex back’ mission, try spending time with other people.

You don’t necessarily need to date them. However, you can spend time with them and let your ex see this.

This may trigger a bit of jealousy in your crush’s system and he or she may end up wanting your attention back for themselves.

Jealousy is a powerful thing; use it to your advantage. But use it wisely.

If you’re feeling a little adventurous, try this “jealous” text.

  • “I think it’s a great idea that we’ve decided to start dating other people. I really just want to be friends now!” –

By saying this, you’re telling your ex that you’re now dating someone else… … Which in turn will make them jealous.

And that’s a good thing.

You’re communicating to your ex that you’re actually wanted by someone else. We’re all attracted to people that other people want. When you say you’ve been around dating, you’re almost saying “It’s your loss!” .

After sending that text, they will start to be attracted to you again because of the “fear of loss” I mentioned earlier.

Here’s another text I learned from Brad Browning, who is my favourite “get your ex back” online coach.

Here is a link to his free online video. He gives many useful tips that you can apply immediately to get your ex back.

  1. Reconnecting with friends
    Let’s face it: there’s only so much self-improvement can do. At the end of the day, you still feel lonely now that your partner has left your life. This is perfectly normal.

But instead of calling them up and asking them to hang out, turn your attention to the person you were actually with in the past.

Most people who enter a relationship dissolve into it completely and they start to forget about their friends.

If this is you, take a step back and reconnect with the old platonic relationship. You are feeling vulnerable and need companionship – that’s where your friend comes in.

You may not be able to share the same intimacy with your friends, but they can help ease you back into single life and provide the companionship you need to start feeling better about yourself again.

  1. Don’t force it
    You’ve done everything and become a better person – now what?

The last thing you should do is contact your ex and beg them to come back. It’s tempting to go online and show them how amazing your life is, but this thinly veiled attempt at manipulation won’t work.

Always remember that your ex broke up with you for a reason. Whether they want to come back to you or not is entirely up to them.

Even with all this self-improvement effort, there is really no guarantee that you will win them over.

However, what you do end up with is the assurance that you can live and thrive in the reality that you are no longer in a relationship.

Even if it doesn’t work out with them, you are preparing yourself for other people who may come into your life.

Without realising it, you have put in the time and effort to become a better person – which is infinitely better than being in a relationship.

  1. Ask yourself if your ex is worth it
    If you and your ex do get back together one day, you may find that he/she is not worth it and you may feel frustrated.

Don’t let your efforts become useless.

Ask yourself, “Do I really want to get back together with this person?”

If so, then keep trying and work on getting them back.

But if not, it may be time for you to move on and get on with your life.

The steps you take here are really powerful and they lead you to start making real changes in your life.

Inevitably, this change brings a different perspective.

If you start to find that your ex isn’t worth it, don’t question it too much. Continue to have fun and spend time with other people.

Start adopting the view that your ex now needs to go through these steps to win you back.

Now you’re really acting as if you’re worthy. Because you might as well do that.

RELATED He doesn’t really want a perfect girlfriend. He wants these 3 things from you, not ……

  1. Talk to them
    This step definitely comes after going through the 9 steps above.

How you’re living your life, you’re happy with yourself and you’re starting to create some serious changes in your life, it’s time to talk to your ex.

Let them know how you really feel deep down inside. Share your feelings with them. Let them know what they mean in your life.

They can either.

A. tell you that they still love you too and that they want to get back together with you.

B. Tell you that they don’t love you anymore and that it’s not going to happen.

If it’s the former, then congratulations! You’ve just won your ex back! And importantly, the relationship may be different this time.

But if it’s the latter, congratulations anyway! You’re one step closer to finding the one person who will appreciate you.

No matter what happens, you are ready for this moment. You are a stronger person for what you’ve been through.

  1. Accept the situation
    You have followed these steps. You’re stronger and you’re either going back to your ex or moving on with your life.

No matter what happens, accepting the situation is super powerful.

No matter what happens, thank this incredible person. They have been the driving force behind your growth.

Use this experience to make yourself better and avoid making the same mistakes twice, both in the relationship and in your new life.

Start another chapter of your life with a stronger heart and a braver soul.

You are a very special, unique and incredible person. Start treating yourself that way.

So you want your ex boyfriend back …… But should you?
The main reasons for divorce
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It might seem like the most obvious thing in the world right now: you were happy with your ex and now you’re miserable without them.

Your brain starts to convince itself with lines like, “The bad times weren’t so bad!” , as well as, “If we try harder, we can always make it better!”

For some people, this may be true. After all, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship.

Love is something you work for, and arguments, fights and compromises come with it, a packaged deal.

Only those who actually make it through the bumps will find themselves living happily ever after (even if there are a few hiccups along the way). So how do you know if your break-up with your ex is something that had to happen, or something that needs to be reversed immediately?

Remember why you broke up
The first thing you need to remember is exactly why you and your ex broke up, and there are two parts to this: who made you break up, and why they did it.

Let’s start with who.

Was it you? If you were the one who started the breakup, then you find yourself in a privileged position. Your ex may have been missing you from day one and they may be back with you in the snap of a finger. But you have to ask yourself: if you let the break-up happen and now you want to reverse the decision, how much control do you have over your feelings and are you being fair to your ex? All relationships should add value to your life at all times, not just when you find them convenient.
Are they? For those of you who have been broken up with, you find yourself in a more difficult position when it comes to getting your ex back. Did you do something irreversible (cheat, lie or steal from your ex) and break their heart in a way they can’t forgive? Or has your ex acted rashly and broken up with you without much reason? Either way, you must remember: you can’t force someone to feel something they don’t want. If your ex breaks up with you, you’re staring at an uphill climb to win them over again. This may be difficult, but it is not impossible.
Is it mutual? Mutual breakups are always heavy and are usually the result of both parties falling out of love after a slow and tedious period of heartbreak, attempts to mend the relationship and failure. But the beauty of a mutual break up is that these can be repaired after time if both parties are willing to try again. You just want to make sure you’ve given your relationship and break-up enough time to mature and develop, giving both parties a chance to think about it rationally – whether they want to try the relationship again or eventually move on with their lives.
Having understood who, you must think about why. Here are the top 10 reasons why people break up

Cheating
Not being supportive
Not giving enough affection or attention
Stealing
Failure to communicate
Giving up
Lying
Toxic
Misguided anger
General bad behaviour
Ask yourself: which of the above led to the break-up between you and your ex, and who hurt whom?

If you were the one who wronged your ex, did you make a real effort to change your behaviour?

Have you given your ex time to heal and assess whether they really want to try again? Have you fully acknowledged your past behaviour and tried to make amends in any way you can?

If you are the one who was wronged by your ex, are you ready to forgive and give a second chance, or will you continue to hold on to old pain after you and your ex get back together?

Are you ready to move forward with your ex and try to build something new and give them a fair chance to redeem themselves, or are you going to let them hang on with the guilt for the rest of the relationship?

Whether you are the victim or the perpetrator of the bad behaviour that led to the break-up, both parties need to be mature.

In many cases, victims believe that it is enough to give the perpetrator a second chance, but it takes both parties to make a relationship really work.

Do you really want to get your ex back or do you feel alone?
The immediate aftermath of a breakup can feel like the best thing in the world or the worst thing in the world, depending on who ended the relationship.

But no matter how you feel on the day of the break-up, time can always turn your feelings upside down until you feel the exact opposite.

In short, you may not miss your ex the day after a breakup, but just a few days or weeks later, you may be thinking about them again every waking moment.

But do you really want your ex back, or do you just want to get the feeling of being in love again?

Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University, believes that “romantic love is an addiction”. Our brains have an “ancient brain pathway that evolved millions of years ago …… for romantic love. The brain system evolved to keep your energy focused on one person and to begin the mating process.”

Fisher’s research into the evolutionary background of relationships and romantic love found that love is a harmful addiction for the brain, and that the experience of being rejected by a romantic relationship is strong enough to distort one’s reality, similar to what one experiences when dealing with a drug addiction.

The longer you stay in a relationship that simply doesn’t work – maybe your personalities aren’t compatible, or you don’t have the same goals, or you’re not at the same stage of life – the more you deprive yourself of the opportunity to move on and find a relationship that really works for you.

That’s why it’s important to understand whether you really miss your ex or just the feeling of being in a relationship.

If you miss them, do you miss them as a romantic partner, or just as people and friends?

Don’t continue to date someone just because you made a good friend, because even the best friends can be the worst romantic partners.

Can you be friends with your ex? Signs you can’t make it work
When you want your ex back in your life, but you’re not sure you want to continue a romantic relationship with them, then you might want to consider evolving your relationship into a platonic friendship.

Here’s the thing: while you may have been great as a couple, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be great friends.

Some people simply don’t work that way, and the pain of previous relationships will always leave a red mark on your attempts to become friends.

While it may work for some people, it doesn’t work for everyone.

Here are some signs that you may not be able to become friends with your ex

  1. there are still some unresolved feelings.

One of the main problems with exes is that there is usually a lot of unresolved baggage left in the relationship.

You either leave and never deal with this baggage or try to become friends and force yourselves to talk about all the unwanted elephants in the room.

The baggage will always keep you from having normal, friendly contact with your ex.

  1. you can’t stand the idea of your ex being with someone else.

If you become friends with your ex, you have to accept the fact that they will eventually find someone else to call “baby”.

If this bothers you, then you may not be mentally ready to continue to have them around you, otherwise it will only feel like torture.

  1. you end up just being lonely.

As we talked about above, loneliness shouldn’t be the reason you contact your ex. There are other options, for friends and partners.

Don’t keep going back to the same place you once clawed and punched.

  1. you still think your ex will change into the person you want them to be.

If part of you is still expecting your ex to change, then you haven’t fully moved on from the relationship.

It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to your ex. At some point, you have to accept that – you are just different people.

  1. you are stalking your ex, physically or digitally. You may be trying to go to their old haunts, asking your mutual friends for updates about them, or checking their social media pages to see what’s going on in their lives.

If this is you, then becoming their friend probably won’t work.

  1. part of you still wants to be with your ex.

If any part of you still wants to be in a romantic relationship with your ex, then this is a clear red flag that you can’t be friends.

Either get back together and squash the feelings completely, or stop trying to be friends. If one of you still wants what you once had, then there is no middle ground.

This can be a lot to think about, but there is a simple litmus test you can take to determine if you can be friends with your ex, and it is this.

Ask yourself, “Do I think anything of my ex? Would it be weird if it was another friend?” If the answer is yes, then you may not be ready for this friendship because you think you are.

I have a question for you…
Do you really want to get back together with your ex-boyfriend?

If your answer is ‘yes’ then you need a plan of attack to get them back.

Forget about the naysayers who warn you never to get back together with your ex. Or those who say your only option is to move on with your life. If you still love your ex, then getting them back may be the best way to move forward.

The simple fact is that getting back together with your ex can work.

There are 3 things you need to do now that you’ve broken up.

Find out why you broke up.
Become a better version of yourself so you don’t fall back into a broken relationship.
Make a plan of attack to get them back.
If you want some help with #3 (“The Plan”), then Brad Browning’s The Ex Factor is the guide I always recommend. I have read the book cover to cover and I believe it is by far the most effective guide to getting your ex back.

If you want to learn more about his process, check out this free video by Brad Browning.

Get your ex to say, “I made a huge mistake.”
The ex factor isn’t for everyone.

In fact, it’s for a very specific person: a man or woman who has been through a breakup and legitimately believes it was a mistake.

The book details the range of psychological, flirtatious and (some would say) sneaky steps a person can take to get their ex back.

The Ex Factor has one goal: to help you win your ex back.

If you’ve been broken up with and you want to take concrete steps to make your ex think “Hey, that guy was actually amazing and I made a mistake”, then this is the book for you.

That’s the heart of this project: getting your ex to say “I made a huge mistake”.

As for #1 and #2, then you’ll have to do some soul-searching of your own.

What else do you need to know?
Brad’s Browning’s program makes it easy for you to find the most comprehensive and effective guide to getting your ex back online.

As a certified relationship counsellor and with decades of experience working with couples to repair broken relationships, Brad knows what he’s talking about. He offers dozens of unique ideas that I’ve never read anywhere else.

Brad claims that over 90% of relationships can be saved, and while that may sound unreasonably high, I tend to think he’s on the money.

I’ve come across too many Hack Spirit readers who have happily returned to their exes to be a sceptic.

Here’s the link to Brad’s free video again. If you want an almost foolproof plan to actually get your ex back, then Brad will give you one.

Free eBook. 4 Steps to Starting Over with Your Ex

Do you want to get back together with your ex?

Then you need to check out our free eBook, The Ex Recovery Handbook.

We have one goal: to help you win your ex back (for good!) .

If you want a foolproof plan to turn your breakup around, you’ll love this guide.

Check it out here.

I’ve just launched a YouTube channel.
Thank you so much for stopping by Hacker Spirit. I hope you enjoyed reading this article.

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Written by Justin Brown
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Relationships
Divorcing a narcissist: 14 things you need to know
By Lachlan BrownLachlan Brown
April 27th, 2020 at 12:20 am
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I’m sure you’ll agree with me when I say.

Being married to a narcissist can be exhausting.

On the face of it, they are charming and attractive, which is probably why you married them in the first place.

On the other hand, they are incredibly manipulative, self-centred and don’t care about your feelings.

If you’ve been married to a narcissist for a while, there’s no doubt that it will be difficult to divorce them because they’ve made themselves the centre of your universe.

But if they are a narcissist, then divorcing them will be good for your emotional health and your life, so it’s vital that you keep the courage to go through with it.

Here’s everything you need to know about divorcing a narcissist.

Before we get started, what is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a real mental condition. Your soon-to-be ex may be annoying, frustrating, rude, or even egotistical. But if it goes further than that, they may have NPD.

Those with NPD have an inflated view of themselves. They believe that they are, quite literally, a god.

Attention is something they depend on, and worship is equally important.

Because of these tiresome demands, you will often find those with NPD have poor relationships, unstable interactions and a complete lack of empathy.

If it’s not something that concerns them, they are not interested. While these people may sound difficult to get along with, this is not entirely true.

In fact, most narcissists are very attractive.

They bring you in with their confidence, arrogance, good looks and desire.

And for a while, they will even put themselves aside to pursue their partner, convincing them that they are the most important person in the world.

But this will always fall flat. Because the real purpose of pursuing a partner is to have someone in control.

Divorcing a narcissist is not an easy path, as it can take years to figure out that the charming and often delightful person you fell in love with has been weaving a web of lies and manipulation.

So how can you tell if you are dealing with a naturally arrogant person or a true narcissist?

Is your partner a true narcissist? Here are 11 signs
While every narcissist will have their different ways of manipulation, there are some key signs of narcissism that almost everyone can see.

Believing they are better than everyone else
Distorting the world around them to better suit their point of view
Always wanting attention and constant praise
Is entitled and demands privilege
Uses guilt and shame to make others feel uncomfortable
Often gossips about others
Gossip, bully and tear others down to build themselves up
Lies a lot
Tells others they are “crazy” or “can’t remember things
Isolates their partner
Doesn’t care about other people’s passions and hobbies
12 tips you must know to divorce a narcissist
When divorcing a narcissist, it won’t be a cut-and-dried divorce. Most of the time, it will be a struggle, so you need to be prepared.

Thankfully, these tips should help get you on the right path.

  1. Find a professional lawyer
    Because narcissism is not your average mental condition, you need someone who knows how to deal with confronting a narcissist.

This can be really difficult, but there are lawyers out there who have dealt with it.

While any divorce lawyer can help you through a separation, find one who specialises in dealing with narcissists. Once you’ve beaten them, you’ll be glad you did.

  1. they will beg, plead and even try to negotiate.
    Now, if you are the one who chooses to leave, be prepared to negotiate attempts and pleas.

They don’t like it when they don’t get what they want. And if they are still married to you, that means they still want something from you.

That’s why they won’t let go easily.

Most often, they will ‘commit to change’. They will immediately try to do something for you to make you feel good about yourself.

Once it’s clear that you won’t budge, they’ll start threatening you, saying things like “you’re lost without me” or “you’ll never find someone this good”.

Don’t worry, it’s normal. Don’t listen and don’t be manipulated into going back to them. It’s not worth it.

But don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy to leave them forever. According to experts, on average, victims have to leave seven times before they leave for good.

The important thing is that you have the courage to stick it out. In the long run, you will be incredibly grateful.

  1. Don’t try to reason with them
    There’s nothing more frustrating than your soon-to-be ex. But no amount of rationalisation will work on them.

When you come to a narcissist with rational thoughts, they don’t care.

They’re so invested in what’s going on that they’ll completely push back on your point of view.

Save those rational thoughts for the people who care about you – your support team. They know the truth and will support you when you show them the rational side of things.

  1. Break the bonds of trauma
    In any type of narcissistic relationship, there is usually a trauma bond – a connection between the abuser and the victim that is created through a strong shared emotional experience.

In order to leave forever, you have to break this bond.

The reason breaking this bond is difficult is that it has become addictive. You are abused, but when you do something right for your abuser, you are rewarded with a love bomb.

This can really take a toll on your mental health because you experience frequent bouts of stress and sadness when you are abused, but then have a high when you are rewarded for good behaviour.

Victims are often unaware of what is happening as manipulative tactics and intermittent love leave victims in a cycle of self-blame and despair, unable to win back the love of their partner.

According to therapist Shannon Thomas, author of “Healing from Hidden Abuse”, there comes a time when the victim leaves and during the grieving process they begin to come round to the idea that they have been abused.

They finally see the damage that has been done and realise that it is not their fault.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist then you just need to learn to stand up for yourself and break that connection.

Because you do have a choice in the matter.

One resource that I highly recommend to help you do this is this extremely powerful free video by Rudá Iandê.

World renowned shaman Rudá Iandê will teach you a powerful framework that you can start applying today to truly free yourself from the narcissist.

Rudá Iandê is not your typical shaman.

He makes shamanism relevant to modern society and he communicates the teachings of shamanism to people living normal lives. People like me and you.

Warning: The teachings that Ruda shares in his videos are not for everyone. He will not help you escape your fears or hide what is happening in your life.

If you appreciate honest and straightforward advice and want to be honest with yourself and change your life, then this video is for you.

Here is another link to his excellent free video.

  1. Limit your contact with them
    As frustrating as they are, don’t engage with them. In this age of technology, anything can be distorted or edited, so the less contact you have with them, the better.

If you do need to talk to them, go through your lawyer. You can tell your lawyer what you need to say and they can put you in touch.

That way, you stay out of the way and they can’t twist what you did or didn’t say.

In Mind Body Green, Annise Starr has a relationship with a narcissist who decides to see her partner again a few months after they break up. Here’s why that’s a bad idea.

“What shocked me, however, was how easily I flipped back and forth, fetching him this and that, tiptoeing around, padding, rationalising, even lying… you name it, I did. Within the first hour, I lost everything I thought I’d gained in the months since we broke up.”

  1. don’t become emotional
    Every narcissist does the same thing – tries to get a rise out of you. That’s their main goal. Because when you get emotional, you become the person they say you are in court.

Then the judge and witnesses see you become emotional or frustrated, and the narcissist ends up looking rational.

Remember, narcissists are very charismatic and manipulative. They will paint a picture that makes them look good and you look bad.

The less emotional you are throughout the process, the better you will look. You can shout at them in private, just don’t do it when you appear in court.

  1. Record everything
    Because things like voicemails, text messages and emails can be edited, you need to record everything. Keep copies of your emails, voicemails and text messages.

This is time-consuming (and annoying), which is why it’s really best to limit all contact with them. Before you go to trial, make sure you send a copy of any past conversations to your lawyer so they have it to hand.

You will also want to take screenshots of any social media defamatory or bullying behaviour. They can delete these at any time, so take pictures as soon as you see them.

  1. Make a plan
    As you can see, this is not an easy process. Divorcing anyone is difficult, and divorcing a narcissist presents additional problems.

Before you go into the trial, make a plan. Hopefully your plan is to separate all your assets in a reasonable way so that you can move on with your lives.

However, narcissists are not going to be reasonable. For them, it’s all or nothing. They want everything, and they are going to fight for it.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to read our powerful new guide, The Marriage Repair Handbook. It’s 100% free and there are no strings attached. Pick up your copy here.

Stick to your plan. At some point, you may feel like giving up, but it will be worth it in the end. Look at everything you and your spouse have.

Decide what you can give up and what you can’t.

Maybe you want to buy a car, but give up some furniture. Or maybe you keep the house and the other person gets everything else. Each situation will be different, but divide it up and create a few “must haves” with your belongings and forget about the rest.

  1. Create a reliable team
    Divorce is a difficult and gruelling process. You need a reliable team, and that’s not just your legal team.

While a divorce lawyer may be the most important person in court, you need support people. Surround yourself with a team of people who are willing to fight for you.

These people will help watch your children (if you have them), listen to you when you are sad and encourage you when you are depressed.

This could be family, friends, counsellors, or more. Build a reliable team of people you can rely on throughout the process. This is probably the most important thing you do.

  1. if you have children, put them first
    Sometimes, narcissists are extremely abusive to their spouses and children. If this is the case, document everything so that you can prove that you are the best person to have custody of your children.

However, if the abuse is not documented, your children may see the narcissistic partner. Divorce is hard on children, but your constant complaints about your ex-husband are even harder.

This is something you want to keep out of their eyes and ears. Fight for custody, but expect them to have visitation or parenting time with the other partner. When this happens, encourage them to have fun. This will eventually pay off.

  1. Go to counselling
    Narcissism is energy consuming. It can take up a big chunk of your life. There may be a lot of thoughts and feelings that you need to work through over a period of months or more.

Counselling is a great way to help you get through it. When someone has been gaslighting or bullying you for a long time, it can make you question your reality.

You may feel lost or confused. You may have difficulty remembering exactly how certain things happened. Counselling will allow you to regain your lost confidence. It will also help you to develop yourself and be ready for a loving, supportive partner on your next date.

  1. Give yourself a break
    So many people experience pain when they divorce a narcissist. It can be frustrating and you may be angry with yourself for ever marrying them in the first place.

If you’re frustrated, give yourself a break. Narcissists are attractive and it’s hard to see past their facade. You haven’t done anything wrong.

You have to forgive yourself for choosing this person. Once you come out the other end, you will see how refreshing and freeing it can be. Allow yourself to feel every emotion and then, forgive yourself.

  1. remember why you broke up with them
    Now that you have ended the relationship and the marriage, you may feel a little down. It’s a big change.

But those negative emotions you’re feeling may make you question your decision.

You may start to think about all the good times you had with your narcissistic partner. Feelings will come flooding back and regrets will bubble up.

Don’t listen to these feelings. You need to remember that they do not represent the relationship.

For example, you may remember all the ‘compliments’ your partner gave you.

Don’t get me wrong, compliments are usually great – but when narcissists give them, it’s part of a technique called love bombing.

According to Psychology Today, love bombing is “overwhelming someone with signs of adoration and attraction …… a practice designed to manipulate you into spending more time with the bombarder”.

So, to restore your peace of mind, jot down all the reasons why you wanted to break up with your partner in the first place.

Ultimately, this is a decision you did not make lightly. Remember these reasons, because if they are a selfish narcissist, you have probably made a great decision for your future by getting rid of them.

And if the narcissist ends the relationship, make a note of all the negative aspects of the relationship. When you look at the relationship from the outside, there are likely to be many.

For an in-depth look at strategies and techniques to help you get over your ex, check out my latest eBook. The Art of Breaking Up. The Ultimate Guide to Letting Go of Someone You Loved.

  1. It’s time to focus on yourself and how to build a better you.
    It’s time to focus on yourself and recover the meaning of your life. Narcissists are good at making everything about them – so what’s likely to happen is that they’ve been the centre of your universe for a long time. This is a major change.

As humans, we create meaning through our relationships and now you’ve lost a lot of meaning in your life.

But it’s also exciting. You can try a new hobby, or go to a yoga class and meet new people.

Whatever it is, you can expend a lot of energy on new pursuits because you don’t have to worry about a narcissist dragging your life down.

Reconnect with people who make you happy. You see this is a great opportunity to build new meaning and a whole new self in your life without the limitations of a narcissist trying to control you.

Psychologist Dr Guy Winch suggests writing an ’emotional first aid’ list of things you can do to distract yourself when you find yourself thinking about your ex-partner.

You may not see it now, but after you and your partner have been broken up for a while, you will start to look back and realise how toxic and manipulative your partner was.

You’ll almost be relieved and very grateful that you managed to stick it out.

Don’t forget that dating is part of recovery. Get out there and meet new people. You will find that most people are not narcissists and they will genuinely like you for who you are.

Don’t try to find “the one” straight away. Just enjoy meeting new people and making new friends. These people will be the breath of fresh air you need.

While dating an emotionally abusive narcissist may come with many scars, remember that the experience will set you up for good in the future.

You’ve learned a lot about yourself and what kind of partner is better for you. When a narcissist enters your life, you will also be more aware – and you can avoid going through that toxic relationship again.

The stages of divorcing a narcissist with children
There are four stages when divorcing a narcissist. These four stages are

Before the divorce

This is when you file the papers, but haven’t done anything yet. You are probably separated from your ex-husband and you are calling each other out.

At this stage, you can expect a lot of pushback. Every word you say will start an argument.

Know what you want and stick to it. If you want to see the kids 50% of the time, make sure that’s the case. If you want more time, work towards it.

Interim orders

An interim order is when you first go to court. Your divorce will not be finalised, but the judge will give you and the children a temporary order.

Unfortunately, you will need to follow them to the letter. Even if it’s not what you want, you need to abide by them. The last thing you need is a narcissist saying you won’t comply with the order.

Final orders

If you want to change your interim order, you will settle the issue in court. Once the parties have agreed (or the court orders) you will get a final order.

Limited contact

Finally, the last stage is when you should leave and start your new life. Obviously, having children with a narcissist is another level of difficulty. When you do want to make contact with them, it is via email.

You can also ask someone else to be the mediator between the two of you so that you don’t have to speak to each other directly.

Remember that the narcissist will continue to try and get under your skin – no matter how long it has been. Keep this in mind when reading each email and don’t reply until you can read it rationally.

The consequences of divorcing a narcissist
Narcissists are often emotionally abusive to their partners. Once you divorce them, you may feel overwhelmed and uncertain. You may doubt your own abilities, blame yourself and still feel tied to your ex-partner.

Divorcing a narcissist doesn’t end when you sign those final papers. It is something that will continue to stay with you for some time.

Counselling can be invaluable in getting over a narcissist and moving on with your life. A good counsellor will help you to heal and see things as they really are.

Don’t feel bad. Divorce is hard and it can also lead to anxiety or depression. You will feel both relieved to be free from getting away and sad that the relationship is over. Every emotion you feel is valid.

Divorce Quotes with Narcissists
Remember, you are not alone. Millions of people have been in relationships with narcissists and millions of people have successfully cut ties. When dealing with a narcissist, here are some quotes that may be helpful.

“A narcissist will portray themselves as a victim or someone who is innocent in all respects and they will be offended by the truth. But what is done in the dark will be exposed. Time has a way of showing people for who they really are.” – Karla Grimes

“No one can be kinder than the narcissist and you respond to life the way he does.” – Elizabeth Bowen

“A person who only loves others based on how they make them feel or what they do for them is not really loving them at all – but only themselves.” – Criss Jami

“Narcissistic love is a rollercoaster ride of disaster, full of tears.” – Sheree Griffin

“Relationships with narcissists are sustained by the hope that ‘one day it will be better’, but there is little evidence to support that it will come.” – Ramani Durvasula

“A relationship with a narcissist in a nutshell. You’ll go from being the perfect lover in their life to nothing you do is good enough. You will give everything you have and they will take it all away and give you less and less in return. You’ll end up being emotionally, mentally, spiritually and possibly financially drained and then blamed for it.” – Bree Bonchay

In a nutshell
Divorcing a narcissist is hard, but with strength, determination and reason on your side, you can do it. Once you come out the other side, you’ll see how wonderful freedom can be.

Free eBook. The Marriage Repair Handbook

Just because your marriage is in trouble doesn’t mean you have to get a divorce.

The key is to take action now and turn things around before they get worse.

If you want practical strategies to significantly improve your marriage, check out our free eBook here.

Our book has one goal: to help you mend your marriage.

Here’s the link to the free eBook again.

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Thank you so much for stopping by Hacking Spirit. I hope you enjoyed reading this article.

If you enjoyed this post, you might like to subscribe to me on YouTube.

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Author: Lachlan Brown
I’m Lachlan Brown, founder and editor of Hack Spirit. I enjoy writing practical articles that help others to live mindful and better lives. I have a postgraduate degree in psychology and have been reading and researching all practical approaches to human psychology and the hacker mindset for the past 6 years. If you would like to get in touch with me, please connect with me on Twitter or Facebook.

Relationships
How to tell if a girl likes you by text message: 22 surprising signs
By Lachlan BrownLachlan Brown
April 19, 2020 at 2:27 am
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It’s no secret that it’s hard to figure out if a girl likes your words or not.

I’m a guy and I’ve found this impossible my whole life.

But the truth is.

As you get more experienced in your study of female psychology, it becomes much easier.

Despite what you might think, you don’t need to be incredibly witty or intelligent.

You just need to know how to keep the conversation going.

In this article, I’ll talk about the 22 most important signs to look for to tell if a girl likes you by text.

  1. She starts texting you first
    This one should be fairly obvious.

If she initiates a conversation with you, then you can bet your bottom dollar that she likes you.

This one is even more obvious if she texts you for no reason at all.

For example, if she just texts you asking, “What are you doing?” Or “What did you do today?” then she almost certainly likes you.

We all know that it’s usually the man who initiates the conversation, so if she makes the effort to text you first, then chances are she’s picking up on what you’re putting down.

  1. She texts you a lot
    If she’s been talking to you all night and then she texts you to wish you a good morning, then she likes you.

While this could also mean she’s a bit clingy and needy, it also means she has a crush on you.

She likes to text you and she feels comfortable talking to you. That’s why she does it.

  1. she gives you frequent updates on what she’s doing.
    By the same token, if she texts you often and tells you what she’s doing, chances are she likes you.

After all, she is trying to bring you into her life.

More importantly, she wants you to be familiar with who she is and what she stands for.

Most women know that developing a rapport is the best way to ultimately develop a relationship with a man they like (that’s you, by the way).

  1. she replies immediately.
    Don’t you just hate it when the girl you like barely responds to you? It takes her ages to give you a one word reply.

I’ll be honest, this kind of girl probably doesn’t like you.

But the girl who doesn’t hesitate to respond immediately? Yes, she likes you.

She doesn’t need to think about it. She knows she likes you and doesn’t want to play games.

Remember, some girls will play hard to get when they first start texting you because they don’t want to seem desperate.

But soon, when they become more comfortable, they will start texting you immediately (if they like you, of course).

  1. She makes an effort with her replies
    She doesn’t just give you a one-word answer. She takes the time to answer and will definitely ask follow-up questions to keep the conversation going.

We all know that girls are more talkative than men, so if she likes you, she’ll work on her communication.

She will often ask follow-up questions too. After all, she doesn’t want the guy she likes to have a bland conversation.

On the other hand, if she’s just giving you one-word answers and not really making an effort, chances are she doesn’t like you that much.

  1. She’ll notice when you haven’t texted her recently
    If you haven’t texted her in a while and she asks you why that is, it’s a clear sign that she’s thinking about you and that she values the conversations you usually have with her.

This is one of the most obvious signs. After all, if she is afraid that she will lose contact with you, then it is obvious that this fear comes from her feelings for you.

She sees a potential future with you and doesn’t want to ruin her chances of developing a relationship with you.

She is simply reaching out to make sure you don’t lose interest in her.

  1. She can’t resist using cute and sexy emoticons.
    Before you overthink this sign, you need to get to grips with the way she texts people.

If she doesn’t seem to use a lot of cute and sexy emojis, but she’s always doing it to you, then there’s a good chance she likes you.

After all, it’s almost a form of literal flirting.

Why is that?

Because she wants the conversation to be fun and sexy. And it is her goal to develop a sexual relationship with you (even if she doesn’t explicitly know it). It’s more of a subconscious type of thing.

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  1. She makes fun of you
    Girls experience this all the time. When a guy teases them, they know that the guy is usually into them.

It’s just a way for guys to make communication fun so that girls will like them.

Well, the same thing is true for girls.

If she’s teasing you, she’s trying to elicit an emotional response from you.

It also means that she is comfortable with you and can tease you and have fun with you.

If you start teasing her back, you will see a spike in sexual chemistry between the two of you.

In words, anyway.

  1. She always teases you about everything you say
    When a girl likes a guy, she’ll usually laugh at everything he says. It’s quite natural.

It’s exactly the same in words.

If she says Lol, ROFL, lmao, haha to everything you say, it’s not only a sign that she’s having fun talking to you, it’s also a way that she likes you because you make her laugh.

It’s also a sign that she’s comfortable in talking to you.

  1. Conversations between you two seem effortless
    This is a good sign that there is chemistry and rapport between the two of you. And when there is chemistry and rapport, the more likely she is to like you.

Also, if she likes you, she may make more of an effort in the conversation. She’s asking questions and being chatty because she wants to avoid any awkward silences.

If you like her, you’re probably doing the same thing, which is making the conversation flow nicely.

(If you want to boost your self-confidence and impress any girl, check out our The Badass Way review).

  1. She’s asking personal questions
    Many guys don’t pick up on this sign.

Personal questions don’t mean the normal “getting to know you” questions. It’s a question that goes beyond that.

She is trying to get to know you for who you are. Perhaps these questions may have an emotional bent.

For example, rather than “what do you do”, it might be “what motivates you to do what you do?”

Be careful of questions that you are not quite used to. She will take more time to ask questions and she will tailor her answers to your situation.

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They’ll think more about it, it’s an excellent sign of interest and attraction.

  1. she’s telling you personal things about your life.
    Again, as she becomes comfortable with you, she will reveal more about her personal life.

This is a good sign that she sees you as a person she can trust.

But by the same token, it doesn’t necessarily mean she likes you, although that is a good sign.

If you have been friends with her for a while, then she will undoubtedly reveal more about herself because she feels comfortable with you, rather than because she likes you romantically.

But if you haven’t known her for long and she reveals personal things about her life that most people don’t talk about, then she obviously likes you.

  1. She sends you lines from her favourite movie or song.
    This is a creative way of flirting. While she is letting you know what she is interested in, she is also parting with some of it in an intelligent or humorous way.

In other words, she’s trying to impress you and develop rapport.

This is a clear sign that she likes you and is trying to move the relationship forward.

  1. She sends you flirty and sexy messages.
    Well, this one is self-explanatory, isn’t it?

If she paints a picture of the two of you together that your parents wouldn’t appreciate, then you can bet that she likes you.

For example, if she asks you what it would be like if you two kissed when you met, then it’s obvious that she wants to take things further with you.

  1. She keeps asking you about your personal life and what your plans are for the future.
    If she is asking you what the future will be like, then I can assure you that she likes you and is seeing if a relationship with you is possible.

She is trying to figure out if there are any obstacles to a future relationship with you in her imagination.

Believe me, if she is thinking about what a future with the two of you might look like, then you can be assured that she likes you.

It also means that she wants to get to know you better. She is trying to find out if they are right for each other.

  1. She can’t help but compliment you
    Maybe she’s looking at your Facebook or Instagram photos, or she’s asking about your achievements in life, but whatever it is, she can’t help but compliment you.

If she likes you, she might even make self-deprecating noises about it. For example, she might say, “A successful guy like you would never go for a girl like me.”

This means that she is attracted to you and is worried that she is not good enough for you.

  1. She is trying to find out if you have other lovers or girlfriends.
    This is an obvious sign, but some guys just can’t see it.

Now a girl might not come out and say, “Do you have a girlfriend?” Because it might make her look desperate.

But if she’s poking around to see if you have other girls around, then she probably likes you.

For example, she might ask you, “When you went to your cousin’s wedding last year, who did you go with?”

She is trying to find out if you went with a girl or a girlfriend.

She just wants to know that you are single and single.

Keep an eye out for little things like that. If she wants you to know that she is single, she wants to know your status, that she might like you, and that there might be a future between the two of you.

  1. She can’t help but send you pictures of herself
    This is especially true if she is very confident about her looks.

She will send you gorgeous pictures of herself because she wants to attract you and impress you.

To find out if she likes you, just ask her to send you a photo. If she does, then she likes you.

But if she doesn’t, then that doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t like you, but she may just not be as confident in her appearance.

  1. She wants to step up her face-to-face time with you.
    This is a clear sign that she likes you because she wants to talk to you about having an actual conversation. She is trying to build rapport and make sure the two of you get along well.

This is a good sign that she likes you and wants to move things along!

  1. She’s imitating your slang and writing style
    This is a huge sign that someone likes you. It’s something we all do subconsciously.

The thing to look out for is

  • Is she imitating the slang you use? Is the number of sentences she replies to similar to the ones you use? If she is always trying to agree with you and behaving like you?

If she likes you, she will subconsciously try to behave more like you. This is something that all human beings naturally do with people they like.

  1. It is important to remember that people express interest in different ways
  • If she is a ladies’ man and is very confident, then she will be very forthcoming in saying that she likes you.

She won’t be forthcoming, but text messages will be very direct in presenting you with clues.

If she is the shy or anxious type, then it will be more difficult.

Anxious/avoidant types generally come across as aloof, so it may take more time to build rapport and become more comfortable with them. Once they are comfortable though it should be the same as with an alpha female.

  • Also, remember that most girls will wait for a guy to make the first move.
  1. she asks you out
    Okay, you can’t get more obvious than this, can you?

Even if it’s just a friendly cup of coffee together, it’s a clear sign that she wants to upgrade her relationship with you.

If you like her too, then why not just say yes!

Want her to be your girlfriend?
Let me guess ….

You’re nice to her. You’re willing to do anything for her. And you’ll try to show the best side of your personality.

That’s what I used to do. And I’ve always dealt with women.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being nice to a girl and being good to her. Those are great qualities.

But if that’s all you bring to the table, you’re in big trouble.

As I’ve learned, women don’t choose the man who treats them the best. They choose men who make them feel certain powerful emotions. Specifically, they choose men they are deeply attracted to on a physical level.

It’s not that women like jerks because they’re jerks. They like jerks because those guys are confident and they send the right signals. That signal is something women can’t resist.

The simple fact is that women’s brains respond to certain signals much more sensitively than anything you can say to them. Or no matter how nice you are to them.

What if I told you that you can quickly learn the right signals to give women – and you definitely don’t need to be a jerk in the process?

Check out this free video by Kate Spring. She’ll show you how to boost your natural charm and make flirting come effortlessly to who you are as a man.

Kate is a best-selling author and relationship psychologist. She’s smart, insightful, and makes a lot of sense.

And in that video, she describes the most effective ways I’ve come across to flirt with women in the right way.

Check out the link to the video again below.

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However, what’s more important is how you present yourself to them. Because no matter how good you look, or how rich you are… …

… If you are short, fat, bald, or stupid.

Any man can learn some simple tricks to tap into a woman’s primal desires.

If you want to know exactly what they are, check out Kate Spring’s free ebook here.

Kate reveals the most effective ways I’ve come across to attract women and make them yours.

Here is the link to the free eBook again.

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Living wisely, relationships
Love Bombing: 15 Ways Narcissists Control You.
By Lachlan BrownLachlan Brown
April 4, 2020, 3:54 am
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Love bombing is the secret weapon of the narcissist.

In this article we will discuss everything about this subtle yet dangerous manipulation tactic – what is love bombing, what are the signs of a love bomber and what you can do about it.

What exactly is love bombing?

In its simplest terms, love bombing is a romantic manipulation tactic.

It is most often used by toxic and narcissistic people who have had the experience of seeing love bombing first hand (from parents or other relationships in their lives).

Love bombing is the manipulation of the victim in a romantic relationship through extravagant displays of affection at the beginning of the relationship.

The intention of love bombing is to make them feel helpless and vulnerable to the manipulator.

In other words, the victim is ‘bombarded’ relentlessly at the beginning of the relationship, making them believe that they must go along with the intense commitment of the relationship, which becomes an impossible pursuit.

This leaves the victim feeling deeply indebted to their so-called romantic partner and thus vulnerable to any demands their partner makes of them.

What is the purpose of a love bomb?
A love bomb is an action designed to gain your love and trust. It could be flattery, compliments, romance or a promise of the future.

Once they have your trust, they will control you. The narcissist will manipulate you to get what they want.

They will shape your role in the relationship and see you as a supporting character to the hero (them, of course).

If your focus is not 100% on the love bombing narcissist, they will get angry. They won’t be able to understand that you have other things going on in your life.

But the bottom line is this.

The narcissist will struggle to maintain a mutually beneficial relationship.

In other words, the relationship will only benefit them, and over time you will be left in the dark to heal your emotional wounds.

Now here’s the main problem.

It can be really hard to figure out when it happens to you.

After all, not everyone who is romantic and sweet is a narcissist.

So how do you distinguish between true expressions of love and the actions of a love-bombing narcissist?

15 tell-tale signs of love bombing

Image credit: Shutterstock – By View Apart
If you’re not sure if you’re a victim of love bombing, here are fifteen tell-tale signs of love bombing.

While individual signs don’t necessarily mean your romantic partner is a love-bombing machine, most of the signs together should send up red flags for you.

  1. ‘I love you’ comes easy to them
    All relationships have their own pace, so saying “I love you” early on is not necessarily a bad sign. But a mature partner understands that love is something you should think about before you say it.

If your partner wants to skip the natural process of falling in love, then they may be a love bomber, or they may just be a hopeless romantic.

What can you do?

When it comes to falling head over heels in love with someone, the magic seems real, but the reality is very different.

If someone suddenly enters your life and you find yourself taken by them, you will rightly question the legitimacy of the relationship and your partner’s motives.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t trust a relationship, but you should be wary of any relationship that seems to come out of nowhere and answer all your prayers.

This could be too good to be true, it could be that the person really wants to make you swoon so they can manipulate you later.

You will find that as time passes their demeanour changes and they seem to need to get something out of you rather than make you feel special.

This is the beginning of the end of these narcissistic relationships.

Keep your wits about you and recognise when things are moving too fast.

Remember that true love grows slowly and moving fast is not what it’s cracked up to be. It is only by moving slowly that a fulfilling and intimate relationship can develop.

In other words.

Take your time, respect yourself and love yourself… … Don’t fall in love too quickly with someone who is desperate to impress you.

  1. They always say the right thing
    Love bombers have a lot of experience manoeuvring, so they know how to push the right buttons at the right time.

You feel like they always know what to say at the right moment to make you fall deeper in love with them, so much so that it feels a little unbelievable.

  1. Too good to feel real.
    No relationship is perfect. But for some reason, your relationship with your love bomber is flawless in every way.

They make you feel amazing, special, and loved at all times, especially at the beginning of the relationship. It doesn’t feel right and you suspect something else might be going on.

  1. they are incredibly fast
    As well as saying “I love you” incredibly early in the relationship, they want to approach other relationship milestones at lightning speed.

Things like meeting parents, travelling to another country, moving in together – relationship milestones that usually take months or even years to build up, love bombers want to do in days or weeks.

  1. They live by grand gestures
    It feels like you and your love bomber will never be able to just go on a normal date. Almost every time you see them, there’s some new surprise.

Once-in-a-lifetime experiences like a hot air balloon ride, a plane ticket to Paris, or writing a song or poem for you – these are all normal events in your relationship with them.

  1. The compliments are endless
    You are beautiful, smart, amazing, hilarious, sexy, incredible, unbelievable, absolutely gorgeous, and so much more.

While compliments at every turn are never a bad thing, love bombers can drown their victims in compliments to the point where no one else’s compliments mean anything anymore.

In short, love bombing is about abundance. It’s about making someone feel overwhelmed by your affection and giving them enough time to move from one sign of affection to the next without ever really dealing with it.

Some readers may ask, “Why is all of this wrong?” You may see love bombing as a partner simply being overly affectionate, and some people do like to be pampered and treated like a queen.

But the truth is that the good part of love bombing only happens in the beginning, when the love bombers try to win over their victims. Once they get what they want, the love suddenly disappears.

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  1. They act like your saviour when you’re in a bad situation
    When you’re in a bad situation, the narcissist’s eyes light up.

Finally, it’s their chance to gain control.

They will make it seem like they are the hero and without them, you are screwed. They will often remind you of this in subtle ways.

Here’s what you need to look out for.

The main difference between someone who genuinely wants to help you and a narcissist is A genuine person will not make a big deal out of helping you.

They are focused on helping you and won’t need to gain anything from it. They are not looking for a reaction from you.

A narcissist, on the other hand, is just the opposite.

A narcissist will expect praise from you while helping you. They will tell you that what they are doing is kind and helpful.

What can you do?

Pay attention to their reaction when they help you. Narcissists will tell everything about how helpful and kind they are, even if the problem is related to you.

RELATED Heroic instinct: How do you trigger it in your man?

  1. They want you to think they’re the best person you’ve ever dated.
    Love bombing is all about getting you hooked on them. They want you to worship them so that they can finally manipulate you into getting what they want.

They want to make you think you can’t do better.

So what does a narcissist do?

They will ask questions about your former lover. They will most likely insult them and try to make them look like losers.

After all, they are trying to compare themselves and show that they are better. They want you to realise how lucky you are to be dating them.

That’s what they’re doing.

They are just lowering your self-worth and making you feel that you are lucky to be with them.

What can you do?

If they drop subtle hints that they’re great or that they’re so much better than anyone you’ve dated before, then call them out for how self-centred and lame they are.

Watch out for attempts to lower your self-worth. They may put you in a bag and put you down. Let them know why they are wrong and get out!

Don’t fall for these selfish and self-serving tricks. Love and respect yourself and don’t let the narcissist lower your self-worth.

(To learn how to become mentally tough in the face of toxic and narcissistic people, check out Hack Spirit’s ebook. The Art of Resilience: A Practical Guide to Developing Mental Toughness).

  1. they keep asking you about the crap in your life.
    Narcissists will do this for a couple of reasons.

1) They want to provide you with solutions so it looks like they are the hero (as mentioned above).

2) They want to lower your self-worth so you’ll worship them and think how great they are.

3) They want to have ammunition for when they abuse you later in the relationship.

What can you do about it?

If they keep bringing up shit from your past, be careful.

A genuine person will be happy to talk about it, but they won’t always bring it up. There is a time and place for these discussions.

Beware of it and be suspicious of people who bring up tough times in your life regularly. Let them know it’s weird and if they don’t stop, you’ll be driven away.

  1. they’re not direct, they backtrack from what they initially said
    Bomb-loving narcissists care about how they look and they will want to impress you.

But here’s the real kicker.

It means they’ll say one thing and then when they see that you’re not responding very well they’ll change what they’re saying.

They suddenly realise that it makes them look bad.

At first, you won’t think much of it. But if this happens continuously, then you can’t trust what they say.

They are more concerned with how they appear to you than with being themselves.

Narcissists don’t care about being genuine or authentic.

They want to look like the perfect partner so they can eventually manipulate you.

So, here’s what you need to remember.

The original statement they make shows who they are.

  1. they always give you gifts
    Don’t get me wrong gifts aren’t exactly a bad thing. But when they do it repeatedly, they are trying to buy your love.

That’s not true.

The real reason they do this is that they want you to feel that you ‘owe’ them, which is the perfect scenario for a narcissist.

It’s an easy way to buy your love, so you fall into the trap of trusting them.

What can you do?

It’s wonderful when someone gives you gifts and acts of kindness, but when those gifts have expectations attached to them, the affection disappears and the creepiness sets in.

If your new love is trying to get you to ‘owe’ them for the kind of things they do for you, that kind of defeats the purpose of doing something nice, doesn’t it?

And it probably won’t be a problem at first, because that’s how these narcissists operate: they want you to feel showered with love so they can make you feel guilty about not reciprocating.

It’s a slippery slope that you may not notice right away, but trust us, there’s a catch.

Anyone who offers you gifts and attention “just because” is to be suspected of having ulterior motives.

This doesn’t mean that everyone will turn out to be a loose cannon, but chances are this person is looking for something beyond a roll of the dice in return.

  1. The affection you get will be superficial.
    Love bombing is superficial by nature, so it makes sense that the affection they give you is superficial too.

At the end of the day, love bombing is just a way to get you to commit to them.

What can you do?

Pay attention when they mention that some aspect of your behaviour or personality is untrue.

Or if they say things like “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met” after only two dates.

  1. They treat other people like crap
    This is one of the golden nuggets of identifying a narcissist that many people overlook.

If they are a narcissist, they will treat others like crap, especially those who are “lower” than them.

Remember, this is fairly easy to spot.

It is very easy to notice, so be aware of how they treat others.

For example, are they rude to the waiter when you go to the cafe together?

If this becomes a pattern, then they are a toxic character and you need to stay away.

  1. something just isn’t right
    Get a weird vibe from them? Like there’s something wrong with them? Do they not take the hint when you reject their advances? Are they complimenting you for things that aren’t true?

As we mentioned above, love bombing is superficial. And when something isn’t true, it just doesn’t feel right.

What can you do about it?

The truth is, when something doesn’t feel right to you, it usually isn’t. So trust your gut and walk away.

You may think you want someone to do everything you say, or you may even dream of someone who looks to you for everything, but when you see that relationship in reality, it looks very different to what you thought it would be.

What may start out as romanticism can quickly turn into discomfort and possible stalking.

A romantic gesture such as sending flowers to your office on a Wednesday is wonderful, but calling three times to find out if you got them, what you think of them and to see what your colleagues think of these gestures is weird. Just weird.

Setting boundaries can help with this, but only if you see it as a problem and not just an overly enthusiastic partner.

  1. you are going through a never-ending cycle of emotions.
    Is nothing feeling stable in the relationship?

One moment you feel great, then the next you feel like a terrible person.

That’s what narcissists do. They are skilled manipulators. They’ll compliment you and make you feel like an amazing person. Then they will put you down, abuse you and make you feel like the worst person in the world.

What can you do? If you find yourself experiencing ups and downs like never before, then you need to recognise that this is psychological abuse.

The healthiest relationships are the ones that are stable.

To protect yourself, you need to love yourself

Narcissists will try to bring you down. They will outwardly love you; then they will abuse you and take away what they want.

But if you respect yourself and are aware of your intrinsic value, then they cannot control you and manipulate you.

Keep your wits about you and stay strong. And find out if deep down you really love them.

Now, if you’re stuck dealing with narcissistic love bombers, you may be wondering how to deal with them. Below I’ll discuss how to avoid being a target and what you can do if it happens to you.

Stop, look and listen. How to avoid being a target
So how can you avoid being love bombed?

It is impossible to predict who might fall victim to a love bomb, different love bombs like different personalities, some target women with high confidence and extroverted traits for an extra challenge, while others prefer women who are relatively more manipulative.

If you feel that you may be in a love bomb relationship, whether you are just starting out or are deeply involved, try taking the following steps to analyse the situation.

1) Understand your own self-worth
This advice will seem obvious and old-fashioned. But it will still be very valuable.

In order to protect yourself from being bombarded by love, you must focus on the most important relationship of your life – the one you have with yourself.

However, it’s not easy to know your own self-worth these days. From a very young age, we are conditioned to think that happiness comes from the outside.

It is only when we find a ‘perfect person’ with whom to relate that we can find self-worth, security and happiness.

I think this is a life-destroying myth.

Not only does it create many unhappy relationships, but it poisons you to live a life without optimism and personal independence.

I learnt this from watching an excellent free video by world renowned shaman Rudá Iandê.

Now, I am not typically someone who would seek shamanic advice. But Rudá Iandê is not your typical shaman.

Rudá makes shamanism relevant to modern society Explaining and communicating shamanism to people like you and me

People who live normal lives

If what I have said above resonates with you, please go here to view his free video.

This is a wonderful resource to help you when a narcissist is trying to manipulate your love.

2) Take your time
The most obvious sign of a love bomber is their absolute refusal to let their victims dictate the pace.

A passionate boyfriend or lover may display some of the same overwhelmingly positive behaviour as a love bomber, but the key difference is that if you put your foot down, the innocent party will understand and apologise, whereas a love bomber will make you feel guilty and ashamed.

3) Read between the lines
Listen carefully to every word they say. One of the most telling signs of a love bomber is exaggeration.

Trust your instincts – do you ever get the impression that they are just full of hot air? Do you feel like their compliments are meant to distract you from other things? Do they never act like a normal person with their own opinions, ideas and needs?

4) Introduce your friends
The love bomber works by altering your reality, firstly through subtle manipulation and secondly by isolating you from your social circle.

So test him – is he willing to meet your friends and is he really friends with them himself? Or does he come across as shy and reserved around your friends, even when the subject of your friends comes up, and he comes across as toxic?

Let him know that your friends and family are important to you, and if he doesn’t accept that, then it’s better to let him go, whether he’s love bombing you or not.

RELATED My life was going nowhere until I had this revelation

Avoid love bombs. True love doesn’t happen overnight
We all just want to find happiness at the end. The love bombers out there are like sharks, looking for desperate hopeless romantics just waiting for their Prince Charming. The best way to keep yourself safe from love bombing is to always remember – true love doesn’t happen overnight.

Love takes time. Both people should set and demand respect and loyalty from their partner.

There is always a push and a pull in every relationship and if the relationship is too perfect and there are no struggles, then it may be a game to them rather than something real.

Protect yourself and don’t stick your head out of the clouds, no matter how good it feels.

Why is love bombing so uncomfortable?
Even in the later stages of love bombing, when feelings are withdrawn and the victim feels small and worthless, love bombing can be uncomfortable and strange, although the victim can rarely understand why (especially if they are in the relationship).

Here’s why love bombing can be so uncomfortable

1) Affection is excessive and unnecessary.
Affection should always be a two-way street. It should be something you earn and something you give when it makes sense.

But when affection is given out unconditionally from someone who is still practically a stranger, it can feel more like worship than an actual relationship.

That’s when you start asking yourself, “Why should my partner make me feel like he’s worshipping me?”

2) You feel like you are being forced to make a commitment.
Society teaches you that relationships should be about giving and receiving, with both partners putting in equal effort.

Love bombers use this expectation to their advantage – by putting more effort into the relationship and forcing an artificial connection, they force their victims into a situation where they have to give the love bomber what they want or they are not good people.

When the relationship becomes too much for you to bear, you feel cornered: do I allow my partner to keep the relationship going, even if I’m uncomfortable, or do I break up with him?

But it’s hard for you to choose the latter, because he hasn’t done anything so obviously wrong to warrant a break-up.

3) The intensity is disproportionate to the amount of time you’ve known each other.
In all the relationships you’ve ever been in, the relationship grows on both sides with the amount of time you’ve spent with another person and the experiences you’ve shared.

In a relationship that is bombarded with love, your inner formula is thrown out of the window, leaving you feeling doubtful from the start.

Instead of growing organically, the relationship seems to appear out of nowhere.

Before you know it, the relationship is one of the most important things in your life, and you don’t even remember how it came to be that way.

The psychology behind love bombing. What makes a modern day love bomber
Who is behind love bombing and why do they do it? It’s easy to say that love bombers are toxic narcissists, but more and more people are falling into the role of love bombers unknowingly and naturally.

While the classic love bombers were more calculated and refined in their actions, the modern love bombers of the digital age have adopted this role more naturally, simply because of how easy it is to love bomb on the internet.

So, what makes a typical love bomber? Here are some of the key characteristics to look out for

  • A narcissist, someone who loves their ego and needs to have it stirred up
  • People who are insecure in their attachment style, where the insecurity comes from not having a consistent caregiver
  • People without a history of successful relationships have problems with abandonment by early partners or parents.
  • people with low self-esteem, even though they pretend to have a lot of independence and confidence (so they need what psychologists call a ‘narcissistic supply’ to satisfy their hunger).

The best way to think about love bombing in a modern context is to compare it to the reinforcement that comes with training an animal.

The narcissist acts as a trainer, choosing an easily manipulated victim.

In the digital world, this is easier than ever, which is why love bombing is becoming increasingly common in the world of online dating.

Here’s why love bombing is easier to execute in the digital age

Social media allows for constant connection.
Social media, the internet and mobile connectivity allow us to stay in touch with everyone in our lives 24/7.

This means that love bombing can be done from the comfort of the narcissist’s own bedroom, and the difference between showering someone with attention or affection and not doing it is simply a matter of choice.

All a love bomber needs to do to show a girl that they are interested in her is to keep messaging them all day long.

They can come up with many reasons and excuses as to why they can’t shower them with affection in person – maybe it’s too far away, maybe they’re too busy with work or school, or whatever.

But today’s love bombers don’t even need to go to the same lengths as traditional love bombers to make their victims feel special and loved with a fraction of the previous effort.

You can “accompany” multiple victims at the same time.
Before the advent of the internet, love bombers had to choose their victims carefully.

This was because they could realistically only love bomb one person at a time, and because love bombing required constant attention and affection, a love bomber could not disappear without reason while pursuing another girl.

But today’s love bombers can convince multiple girls that they are the one for them with little to no doubt.

And because of the innate narcissistic nature of the love bomber, more and more men are naturally falling into the role of keeping multiple girls hooked on them with nothing more than daily messages and phone calls. Thus, the “supply of narcissism” never runs out.

There is nothing to lose if the attempt fails.
If the victim gets suspicious, or even realises what is happening, the love bomber can cut them off without hesitation and end the relationship.

The love bomber has nothing to lose by cutting off any victim who may start to become too high maintenance, as there is little real investment in the relationship other than the artificial emotions created through online messages and phone calls.

Love bombers can easily find new victims and drop old ones, making love bombing a manipulative game in which they constantly draw attention from the women they manipulate.

The 4 stages of love bombing
Stage 1: Idealisation

The first stage is idealisation. You meet the love bomber and they immediately begin to fill any emotional need you have and more. They idealise you and will stop at nothing to win your love and affection.

Many people fall into this stage without realising they may be dealing with a love bomber, simply because it is so easy to get caught up in romance and emotion.

Signs of this stage.

  • They reward you with love and affection
  • They give you more compliments than you feel you deserve.
  • You feel rushed into a strange new relationship

Stage 2: Conditioning and codependency
Idealisation has become routine and extravagant splurges start to feel like a normal part of life.

In the second stage, the love-bomber has inserted himself completely into the victim’s life, forcing his way into the depths of the victim’s life through acts of grandiose kindness and love that the victim feels obliged to accept.

This constant flood of attention and love eventually becomes a form of psychological conditioning in which the love bomber forces the victim to transition from an independent individual to one who is heavily dependent on the love bomber.

They do this by isolating the victim from their circle of support and replacing what those circles of support provide – emotional support, financial support, etc.

The victim is trained to believe that the relationship is all they have, so they become totally dependent on the love bomber.

Signs of this stage.

  • They want to spend all their time with you but they don’t like your friends or family.
  • They force you to develop relationships at a faster pace than you are comfortable with, such as moving in together, sharing finances, or planning for children.
  • You feel as if everything is moving too fast and you start to wonder what is happening to everyone around you

Stage 3: Devaluation
The third stage of love bombing begins when the victim starts to question the authenticity of the relationship and the sincerity of their so-called soul mate.

Perhaps the victim will start to push their own decisions and hear their own voice again, something they haven’t done since the love bombers took control of their lives.

Or they will begin to fight back more indirectly, for example by trying to reunite with friends and family who have been isolated from the love bomber.

The Love Bomber begins to feel that he is losing control of the situation, so he reacts by devaluing it.

By now, the Love Bomber has learned the victim’s weaknesses – her weaknesses, the areas of her personality that lack the most confidence and self-esteem.

He knows exactly what needs to be said to dispel the confidence she has managed to pick up, and by devaluing, the victim becomes dependent and helpless once again, mostly without realising what is happening.

Signs of this stage.

  • A sudden change in the attitude of the love-bombers From endless love and affection to sudden indifference Hiding their love from the victim.
  • The strangest things trigger them, such as planning a lunch with your old friend.
  • You end up feeling that you were wrong to ever let your partner down and you want to do whatever it takes to make them fall in love with you again.

Stage 4: Discard
A relationship that explodes in love can end up cycling through the first three stages many times, and most people do.

This is because the victim usually doesn’t realise any problems are happening, but is convinced that these are normal relationship movements with some rough patches.

By keeping the victim dependent and isolated, the love bomber can ensure that they will do whatever it takes to stay in the relationship, no matter how badly they are demeaned and abused.

However, when the love bomber gets bored or the victim becomes too difficult to control, the love bomber will abandon the relationship.

There are generally three main reasons why this happens.

1) The victim is no longer the “narcissistic supply” that the love bomber is satisfied with. As a result of the love bomber’s behaviour, they have become too broken, so they no longer deserve their affection and attention

2) The victim has become aware of the situation and begins to fight back against the love bomber, setting new rules and boundaries. The love bomber discards the relationship because they realise they are about to be exposed or they don’t want to keep putting more energy into it when they could easily find new unsuspecting targets.

3) They discard in order to further manipulate the victim, solely for the purpose of resuming the relationship at some point in the future.

This can be likened to a higher level of devaluation – they make their victims feel discarded so that they can eventually break them and then come back again as their absolute saviour.

You might also like to read
I was deeply unhappy… … Then I discovered this Buddhist teaching.
What J.K. Rowling can teach us about mental toughness
The Heroic Instinct: How to Engage Your Manly Instincts
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Relationships, Self-improvement
What to look for in a man? 25 Good Qualities in a Man
By Lachlan BrownLachlan Brown
April 3rd, 2020 at 4:13 am
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Finding the perfect guy can be a tall order. After all, tall, dark and handsome seems to be what women claim to want.

But when it comes down to living with Mr Tall, Dark and Handsome, some women find that they prefer a man who possesses certain qualities rather than looks.

Thinking about men who can make them laugh, who care about their family and friends and who support them through life’s ups and downs is actually more important to women than looks.

This is why many women find themselves falling in love with men who wouldn’t normally be on their radar: men who have all the qualities of boyfriends and even husbands that women secretly look for in Mr Tall, Dark and Handsome, and are often disappointed.

Here are 25 qualities that make a man great.

  1. He has brains.
    The perfect man is intelligent. There are no two ways about it. Men with brains, as the saying goes, are quick thinkers and problem solvers.

They see the big picture rather than getting bogged down in the details, which can slow them down.

In a relationship, this quality can make a big difference because he can think things through and isn’t afraid to fall down a few times on the way to finding the right answer.

Also, one study found that the smarter a man is, the less likely he is to be unfaithful.

  1. He shares the same values as you.
    An important part of any relationship is compatibility of values. If your man doesn’t align with what you want out of life, the relationship won’t last long, no matter how handsome he is.

Men and women have different views on many things, but if you can find someone who thinks the same as you on the big things: life, marriage, money, travel, charity.

When you meet someone who has the same views and wants to focus on the same things, your relationship will be much easier.

  1. He protects you.
    A real man always makes his partner feel safe, both physically and emotionally.

Because a man should naturally feel protective of his woman. A study published in the journal Physiology and Behaviour showed that men’s testosterone makes them feel protective of their partner’s safety and well-being.

So, does your man protect you? Not just from physical harm, does he make sure you are protected when any negative situation arises?

Then you’ve found yourself a good man.

There is actually a fascinating new concept in relationship psychology that is currently gaining a lot of attention. It goes right to the heart of the mystery of why men fall in love – and who they fall in love with.

And it all has to do with why men want to protect women and the role of women in enabling him to do so. Because if he wants to protect you, then you have to let him.

The theory claims that men want to step up for the woman in their lives, to provide and protect her. In other words, men want to be your hero.

This is deeply rooted in male biology.

People call it the hero instinct. I have written a detailed primer on this concept which you can read here.

He wants to see himself as a protector. As someone you really want and need to be around. Not as an accessory, a ‘best friend’, or a ‘partner in crime’.

I know this may sound a bit silly. In this day and age, women don’t need someone to save them. They don’t need a “hero” in their lives.

And I couldn’t agree more with that.

But the irony is that men still need to be a hero. Because it’s in our DNA to look for relationships that make us feel like we’re a protector.

If you want to learn more about the hero instinct, check out this free online video by the relationship psychologist who coined the term. He provides fascinating insights into this new concept.

Some ideas are really game changers. And for relationships, I think this is one of them.

Here’s the link to the video again.

  1. He can break the tension with a joke.
    The perfect man can break the tension with a proper joke. He may not be too funny, but he can make you laugh when you need it most.

A sense of humour is high on a woman’s list of requirements for the perfect man. And it’s no wonder: a man who can make you laugh is worth keeping around.

In fact, one study found that the ability to humour reveals intelligence and predicts ‘mating success’.

Life is tough, and if someone can break the ice, release tension and make you see things from a different perspective, he’s a keeper.

  1. He cares about your friends and family.
    Men aren’t known for their compassion or communication skills. If your guy is tuned in to your friends and family and asks about them, cares about them and treats them with the same respect he treats you, that’s a good thing.

When you’re dating a guy who can get along with your dad or your best friend, it says a lot about him.

Bringing someone new into our lives can be hard, but if he fits in properly, that’s good news for you.

  1. he understands that your career is important to you.
    Some men are intimidated by an independent woman, but not your man. If he understands you and all that you are, he will understand that your work is important to you.

Whether you work for someone else or run your own company, he will understand that you don’t just need to work, you want to work. It’s an important part of who you are.

The perfect guy will be able to give you all the space you need to make things happen in your life.

  1. he respects you and what you bring to the table.
    Sometimes it’s hard to find someone who sees the best in you. If you’ve had a string of failed relationships, you may feel vulnerable about letting this guy into your life to see what you’re made of. But don’t worry, he already knows.

He can see what makes you special from a mile away and he wants you to celebrate how great you are. He knows how smart you are and what you can bring to his life as well as your own.

And according to Dr John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, this is a good thing.

He says that if a man rejects a woman’s influence, it could be a sign that he has power issues.

  1. He understands that love takes work.
    No relationship is perfect, even with the perfect man. But that’s what makes him so perfect: he knows he has to behave and work hard in the relationship in order for it to last.

He doesn’t take anything for granted. Understanding that you will have ups and downs in your relationship means that he is ready to do the work and make it work between the two of you.

  1. He is your biggest fan.
    He loves that you are a rock star in your own life. He doesn’t get frustrated by your success and he wants you to show up and shine as often as possible.

He knows what it feels like to be hugely successful and he cheers you on in your own work and life. The perfect man knows that you have things in your life that you want to do and he wants you to do them.

A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that couples who celebrated each other’s achievements were more satisfied with their relationship than those who reacted negatively or indifferently.

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  1. He’s tuned in to his emotions.
    The perfect guy not only has his finger on the pulse of your relationship, he’s tuning into his emotions too.

Knowing where his thoughts and feelings are coming from helps him to stay in the moment and not get upset by what’s going on around him.

He’s grounded and helps you stay grounded too. He also understands that you are not responsible for making him happy, just being with you will make him happy.

The perfect man isn’t easy to find – in fact, most men aren’t well adjusted.

What you need to understand, though, is that it’s not necessarily their fault.

The male and female brains are biologically different. For example, the limbic system is the emotional processing centre of the brain, and the limbic system in the female brain is much larger than in the male brain.

This is why women are more likely to be in touch with their emotions. It is also why men can struggle to process and understand their emotions.

Have you ever been with a man without emotions before? Blame it on his biology not him.

The thing is, to stimulate the emotional part of a man’s brain, you have to communicate with him in a way that he can actually understand.

Because there are some things you can say to him that will make him much more interested in you.

I learned this from relationship guru Michael Fiore. He is one of the world’s leading experts on male psychology and what men want from relationships.

Watch this excellent free video to learn Michael’s life-changing solutions for dealing with men who won’t open up to you.

Michael Fiore reveals what you need to do to get your man to commit to a passionate relationship. His techniques work amazingly well with both the coldest and most commitment-phobic of men.

If you want science-based techniques to get a man to fall in love with you and stay in love with you, check out this free video here.

  1. He knows how to use his manners.
    This is not to say that men are rude, but when men have proper manners they really stand out.

The guy who holds the door, pulls out the chair, says thank you, asks how you’re doing, introduces you to other people in a way that makes you feel important.

Politeness means a man puts you before himself. It means he’s thinking about you and the other people around him.

You may not put a polite man very high on the list, but it says a lot about his upbringing and his value to other people as well as himself.

RELATED 18 things mature men will never do

  1. He doesn’t mess around.
    You want a man who is kind and considerate, but also a man who does what he says he will do. You don’t have time for games, and any man who likes to play games isn’t worth keeping around.

Sometimes you need to learn this lesson the hard way, but the rules remain the same: you want a guy who is honest and true to you.

It may be strange at first, especially if you’re not used to a guy being honest with you, but it really is the best way to go. You can trust someone who is honest with you.

This is important because, according to Dr Andrea Bonior in Psychology Today, trust is arguably the most important feature of a healthy relationship.

“Without trust, there’s a lack of a solid foundation on which to build emotional intimacy, and the likelihood that you’ll get hurt – over and over again – grows.”

  1. he knows what he brings to the table.
    Men who are confident but not arrogant are the best kind. Confident men know how to treat women and don’t feel threatened by your success.

The problem with how men have confidence is not that they gain it by being with strong women. They usually resent it more when they are around women who don’t need them.

Being with a confident man means you don’t have to worry about how you appear, you can both be yourselves.

  1. He knows what integrity is.
    Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is looking. If you doubt that you can trust him when you’re around, it’s hard to trust him when you’re not there to watch what he’s doing. But how can you tell if a person has integrity?

Listen to what he says about others. What kind of behaviour does he approve of and what are his values?

What does he talk to you about and do you feel that some things are being ignored?

How do others treat him and what do they say about him? You can learn a lot about a person by what others say about him.

  1. He behaves as if he is not his age.
    There is nothing worse than a boy. If you feel you need to take care of this guy or he’s going to break down and crumble, he’s not your man.

You can’t fix that kind of problem, no matter how hard you try to. Men their age don’t need you to take care of them. They don’t ask you for things and they don’t put you in uncomfortable situations.

  1. He reminds you to be positive.
    If there’s one quality you should look for in a man, it’s positivity. Guys who drag their feet don’t make you feel good about yourself.

If your guy is negative, it won’t get better unless he wants it to get better. If your guy always helps you see the bright side, you’ll want to keep him around.

After all, according to the University of Washington Wall Health Centre, “a healthy relationship should bring more joy to your life than stress”.

Pretty simple, right?

Any guy who can look on the bright side is going to be great when things get tough.

If you’re in a relationship for any length of time, you can count on tough times.

A good sense of humour and some positive insight can help you both get through those times.

  1. he is kind.
    A good man is kind not only to you, but to others as well. If you are still on the fence about being with a man, observe how he treats other people.

For a long time, women have looked at how a man treats his mother, but pay attention to how he treats his co-workers, how he treats the wait staff at the local restaurant, and how he interacts with strangers.

A kind man looks at people and doesn’t just glare in passing. If he does it to someone else, he will probably do it to you.

  1. He is grateful for who you are.
    When a man is comfortable in his skin, he won’t try to make you change who you are.

Not only will he make room in his life for your awesomeness, but he will encourage you at every turn to do what feels right for you.

Your strong, independent nature will not scare him away.

  1. he is happy to lead or follow.
    A decent man is not threatened by a strong woman, so if you feel the need to take control of things around you, he will give you that space.

But if the situation requires you to take charge, he is perfectly happy to do so.

There is no feeling of contempt here, because he knows that you two are partners and that this is not a competition.

  1. he will always take responsibility for what he does.
    If he messes up, you better believe that a respectful man will be quick to own up to it.

Probably when all is said and done, he’ll tell you all about it on your doorstep because he doesn’t want you to find out from anyone else that he dropped the ball.

If he starts an argument, he’ll admit it. If he’s late, he won’t make excuses. He’ll just say he’s sorry for keeping you waiting.

  1. he follows you.
    In the age of mobile phones and social media, getting and keeping someone’s attention can be difficult.

When someone is glued to their phone, all they’re saying to you is that anything on the internet is more interesting than you are right now. Ouch. That hurts. But everyone does it to everyone else.

However, when a man is really interested in being with a woman, he will put down his phone and give you all his attention.

He’ll hear you when you talk and he’ll actually be able to carry on a conversation with you because he’s listening. If he’s always scrolling through Facebook to see what his friends are doing, he’s not respecting you.

“The most important thing we’ve learned, something that has been totally prominent in all of developmental psychology, social psychology and our lab work over the last 35 years, is that the secret to loving relationships and staying in strong and vibrant relationships over the years, falling in love over and over again, is emotional responsiveness” – Sue Johnson, clinical psychologist in Ottawa.

  1. He supports you when you need him.
    Women are stronger than ever, and they are living independent lives on their own. This doesn’t mean they don’t want to have meaningful relationships or that they don’t need a shoulder to cry on occasion.

Strong women need strong men by their side, and in today’s society it is hard to find someone who will stand by your side when you are in trouble.

If he picks up the phone when you call and gives you space when you need it, you’ll know you have a man who is special and respects you.

Support doesn’t always come in the form of hand-holding: sometimes women need their space and a good man knows when to let you have it.

  1. He keeps the lines of communication open.
    Women often roll their eyes at the way men communicate. It seems that men and women have different communication styles, but women constantly expect men to adopt a woman’s communication style.

Instead of waiting for your man to become a woman, notice how often he communicates his wants, needs and feelings to you. If he is not a talker, does he listen to you when you talk?

If he’s not much of a phone person, does he text you to let you know he’s thinking of you? If he doesn’t like crowds, does he give you all his attention when it’s just the two of you?

Instead of criticising his communication style, look for ways he can keep the lines of communication open. If he respects you, he will show you that he cares by saying the right things and also by showing you that he cares.

  1. He makes you and your relationship a priority in his life.
    Women sometimes find themselves taking a back seat to a man’s work or friends. If you have experienced this, you know that this can lead to a lot of resentment and mistrust.

When you are in a relationship with a man, he should be able to show his interest in your relationship by showing you that you are his priority.

This doesn’t mean he needs to bail on an afternoon meeting to bring you ice cream and you’ll think it’s a jerk.

It means he makes time for you and doesn’t let other aspects of his life interfere with your alone time.

  1. He’s honest.
    A man who respects you will always tell you the truth, even if it’s hard to do. There’s a big difference between being a jerk and being honest.

Sometimes there are difficult conversations to be had in a relationship and if he respects you, he will be able to have those conversations with you.

If he doesn’t, you’ll find him drinking beer with his buddies trying to avoid the situation.

A real man will stand up for himself even when he’s uncomfortable because he knows the relationship, and you, are worth it.

Does he feel the same way about you?
If you meet a great guy who ticks most of the 25 boxes I outlined above, then you need to know if he feels the same way about you.

The truth is, he probably doesn’t even know the answer…

Men and women think differently. When it comes to relationships, we are driven by different things. And most of the time, we don’t even realise what drives us.

I was recently introduced to a fascinating new concept in relationship psychology that explains so much about men: the hero instinct.

What is the hero instinct?

As I mentioned earlier in this article, the hero instinct is the basic biological impulse of men to provide and protect women.

Simply put, men want to be your heroes. Not necessarily an action hero like Thor, but he does want to stand up for the woman in his life. And wants to be appreciated for his efforts.

For many women, learning the hero instinct is their ‘aha moment’. Such was the case for hacker-spirit author Pearl Nash. You can read her story of how her love life was a train wreck before she discovered the heroic instinct here.

How do you trigger the instinctive instinct?
James Bauer is one of the world’s leading relationship experts.

In his new video he explains exactly what the heroic instinct is and how you can trigger it in your man.

You can watch the video here.

The hero instinct is probably the best kept secret in relationship psychology. And I think it holds the key to a man’s lifetime of love and devotion.

Because triggering it in your man will not only provide him with meaning and a sense of purpose, but will take your relationship to the next level.

Here’s the link to the video again.

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New free e-book. Attraction Triggers

Want to know how to get a man to fall in love with you and commit for the long term?

Then check out our free eBook Attraction Triggers.

This eBook contains everything you need to know about the predictable patterns that make men fall in love.

Most importantly, it will teach you practical techniques to activate these triggers in your man so that you can build a successful long-term relationship.

Check it out here.

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Relationships
10 toxic relationship signs that can end any relationship
By Lachlan BrownLachlan Brown
April 3, 2020 at 4:12 am
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Relationships take hard work; we’ve all heard that before.

But how do you know when a relationship is just going through a rough patch, or when it’s broken from the inside out?

Toxic relationships can be one of the worst partnerships you may ever experience, and when you find yourself stuck in one, your entire life can be put on hold.

In this article, we’ll dissect toxic relationships – learn what it is, the top 10 signs of a toxic relationship, why it happens, when to know if you should leave it or fix it, and how to move on, even if you’re still in love.

What is a toxic relationship?
Toxic relationships are described in the name – relationships that have gone sour.

When a relationship becomes toxic, every interaction in the relationship feels wrong or inappropriate, filled with negative energy and leaving both parties uncomfortable, angry and disappointed.

When a person is trapped in a toxic relationship, they can find it difficult, if not impossible, to pry themselves out of it without significant effort. There are many reasons for this, such as.

  • The relationship used to be healthy and happy, and a part of you still thinks it is, even though most of it has become toxic.
  • You don’t want to believe that the person you love has become a source of negative energy for you
  • You don’t want to believe that you’ve become trapped in a relationship because you may feel that you’re too emotionally mature to get into something like this.

However, even the best relationships can fall into toxic tendencies until the relationship itself becomes a toxic breeding pool of negative energy.

Habits that may have been considered cute quirks in the past may now seem like the most annoying things in the world, and attempts to fix the relationship may be misinterpreted as passive-aggressive energy.

Healthy relationships toxic relationships
Empathy, respect, freedom of thought, listening, safety, caring, security, mutual love, healthy disagreements, sharing Insecurity, jealousy, negativity, abuse of power, mistrust, demeaning attitudes, unnecessary comments, selfishness, harshness, over-criticism, self-centredness
When you find yourself in a toxic relationship or suspect you may be in a toxic relationship, it’s time to understand it – and then fix it or leave.

Top 10 signs of a toxic relationship

Image credit: Shutterstock – by Roman Kosolapov
Do you believe you may be in a toxic relationship? Here are 10 of the most common signs of toxicity in a relationship.

  1. Avoiding each other
    You used to love being together, but now you’re trying to avoid each other for every reason possible. You breathe a sigh of relief when your partner is going away for a few days.
  2. Ongoing self-betrayal
    You have opinions, likes and dislikes, but you find yourself often doing things other than what you think is right, just to please your partner because you don’t want to upset them.
  3. Lack of autonomy
    You have lost your identity and therefore your self-worth. You can’t remember the last time you made a decision that was solely up to you. Your whole life is now a “we”.
  4. Little white lies
    Your relationship has been punctuated by little white lies just because you don’t want to waste time explaining the truth and because you just don’t want to tell the truth.
  5. Nothing you do is right
    There is always criticism about everything. Whenever you do something, they will always comment on what you did wrong or how you could have done it better. They don’t know how to appreciate you anymore.

If you see this symptom, or some of the other symptoms I’ve mentioned in this article, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner doesn’t love you. However, you do need to start taking action to stop the degradation of your relationship.

Watch this video now to learn 3 techniques to help you fix your relationship (even if your partner is not interested right now).

  1. unhappiness
    You are just generally unhappy and negative. When they enter the room, your first thought is, “God, now what?”
  2. victim’s partner
    Maybe you and your partner have been through some tough times and you want to move on, but you can’t because they keep referring to the past and portraying themselves as victims. Trying to get better is only a one-way street.
  3. Envy and jealousy
    Instead of celebrating your personal awards and achievements, they just take away envy and jealousy and wish they could have it, making you feel bad about it.
  4. Endless drama
    No matter how bland and simple your life is, your partner will always magically find a way to stir up some new drama.
  5. Constant disrespect
    Your partner actively disrespects you in absolutely unnecessary ways, even when there is no argument.

If you’re still not sure you’re stuck in a toxic relationship, ask yourself the following questions.

1) Is your partner happy with who you are, or do you have to constantly be a different “you” to keep them happy?

2) Is your “give and take” equal, or does one of you give or take more than the other?

3) Do you feel better or worse about who you are after spending time with your partner?

4) Do you have more moments of anger and drama, or more moments of contentment and happiness?

5) When you are with your partner, do you generally feel tired or energised?

Related Links What can J.K Rowling teach us about mental toughness?

Why do healthy relationships become toxic? Here are 3 common reasons why

Healthy relationships are full of love. Whether it’s with a best friend, a parent, or a romantic partner, healthy relationships are a source of positivity, happiness and love; emotions that make us feel good and content and ready to conquer the world.

So it should make sense that everyone involved would want to do everything they can to keep that relationship healthy.

Yet, time and time again, healthy relationships fall apart.

Couples who once seemed destined to spend the rest of their lives together, cracking silly inside jokes, end up bickering and sniping at each other, turning ordinary situations into sources of hatred and bitterness.

How does this happen and why does it happen so often? Why do so many relationships fail to protect the “good” between them, allowing it to break and fall apart?

Here are a few reasons why even the most romantic of people can find themselves struggling in love.

  1. boredom
    Common lines.
  • “We’ve never done anything together.”
  • “Do you still want to eat there?”
  • “I’m so sick of you.”

The first reason is also the simplest – people get bored. Many people treat dating as a hobby.

They swipe through dating apps, sending virtual likes and hugs and kisses, and find themselves fueled by the excitement of getting dressed up and meeting a new potential partner for the first time.

Dinner, laughter and, if all goes well, maybe even sex.

Without realising it, countless men and women in their 20s and 30s have turned dating into their main hobby.

While others spend their weekend evenings reading books or playing video games, daters are dating. And the problem is that they don’t realise it.

So when they finally find “the one” and get them to delete their dating apps and stop spending every weekend night out on dates, they lose the major time dump that has kept them busy for years.

In its place is the novelty of love and commitment and building a life with a new person, but eventually, that novelty wears off.

The mere act of being together passively becomes less enticing, and maintaining the excitement becomes an active requirement.

The novelty of just hanging out on the sofa in a relationship becomes boring and partners need to work actively to maintain the relationship.

This means going out on surprise dates, planning new activities, and simply trying to move forward.

But this requires the involvement of both partners and if only one partner is actively planning activities to do and events to attend, they can feel annoyed that all the effort is coming from them.

After a few months or years, you will eventually find that the partner in the relationship is still technically in love with you, but is tired and frustrated.

They want more out of their life and they have convinced themselves that they have found the person they want to be with, but they don’t even have the energy to bother anymore.

Click here to watch an excellent free video with tips on how to turn around a stale or boring relationship (and much more – it’s well worth watching).

This video was created by Brad Browning, who is a leading relationship expert. Brad is the real deal when it comes to saving relationships, especially marriages. He is a best-selling author and offers valuable advice on his extremely popular YouTube channel.

Here is another link to his video.

  1. Missed expectations
    Common lines: “Why don’t you want to do anything?
  • “Why don’t you want to do anything?”
  • “I just want to make you better.”
  • “I’m happy with the way I am!”

There is much more to a serious relationship than dating.

Dating is spontaneous, mysterious and exciting, whereas a serious relationship should develop beyond that.

Not only are you committing your love to your partner, but you are committing your time, your resources and your entire life.

And this means that your life is no longer your life. It also becomes part of your partner’s life, and their life becomes part of yours.

Their failures are your failures and their successes are your successes. The more they put into their life, the more they get out of it, and the more you get out of it.

So what does this mean? It means that both parties have to be on the same page when it comes to what they want to get out of life.

Some people are happy just to be alive – to pay the bills, to relax at home with their families at night and on weekends, to enjoy the occasional luxury.

But others want more.

Maybe they want to eventually earn more money, or move to another country or a bigger home, or achieve a larger personal goal such as starting a business or pursuing a higher level of education, or winning an award in their field of interest.

It can be difficult to talk about this, especially in the early stages of a relationship.

Our expectations of ourselves and our desire to achieve our own perception of happiness from our own lives is a very personal desire and when this does not align with the goals of our partner it can create deep personal rifts in the relationship.

If two partners decide to stay together, one has to compromise for the other – either the more ambitious partner has to set their goals lower and starts to feel that their partner is holding them back, or they keep achieving their goals and eventually feel they have outgrown their partner and have to move on.

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  1. Long-term resentment
    Common lines.
  • “I’ve told you not to do that a thousand times.”
  • “When are you going to learn?”
  • “You think apologizing is enough?

Resentment. No matter how emotionally mature you are, it’s hard to erase the deep wounds in your heart.

When someone hurts you on a level that only your closest partner can hurt you, those pains can last a long time – if not forever.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to read our powerful new guide, The Marriage Repair Handbook. It’s 100% free and there are no strings attached. Grab your copy here.

Cheating, physical abuse, verbal abuse – all of these are huge sources of resentment.

Even if you and your partner eventually move on and try to stick together afterwards with the intention of treating each other better, the pain of being hurt stays with you.

It becomes a part of you, and every day you look at yourself in the mirror and realise. I was the one who was abused, or cheated on, or hurt by the person who was supposed to love me.

But it doesn’t take a huge act of betrayal to cause resentment.

We spend years and decades with the partner we choose, and in general that time can cause resentment that others can’t understand, even if it’s something small.

Maybe your partner rolls their eyes at you whenever you try to suggest a new restaurant or meal, or maybe your partner has a bad habit of interrupting you when you try to talk to a friend.

Maybe you don’t like the way they don’t respond when you try to call them out at home; maybe you’re tired of how they forget to include the little things you ask for from the grocery shop.

This chronic resentment is a by-product of not feeling loved.

We talk to our partners about the things that bother us, the things we wish they would do differently, but when we see these habits continue to persist, we feel unloved.

After all, if your partner still loved you, wouldn’t they make an effort to remember what you want?

It’s not enough to break up with them, and that makes it hard. It’s only enough to start resenting them slowly, day by day.

Your toxic relationship. Leave it or fix it

Ending a relationship, especially one you love, isn’t always easy. Remember that there are subtle differences between toxic relationships and those that need a little more work.

Understanding the nuances between the two will guide you to take the next best step for you and your relationship. Here’s how to tell the difference between the two.

Scenarios Toxic relationships require work
You and your partner hurt each other There is no sign of remorse and no visible effort to change behaviour and cut off patterns Apologies are always made immediately after an argument and you both try to argue better next time
You have the same argument over and over again The argument gets worse and you would rather shut up than engage You are willing to find better ways to communicate with each other
You experience trust or boundary issues Your partner pressures you, refuses to validate your emotions, makes you feel guilty and takes responsibility for them You compromise on staying in touch and being alone, while helping to build each other’s confidence
You don’t know how to communicate with each other The argument gets out of hand because one of you acts manipulatively or childishly Instead of letting the problem get worse, you try to cut it down where you can until it’s fully resolved
You don’t enjoy being with them anymore The argument comes out of nowhere, out of habit, indifference or sheer malice. There’s no longer any respect or concern for each other There’s still an underlying fondness and affection that’s just been tainted by the latest arguments and quarrels
When it’s best to leave
In some cases, relationships just need a little help and intervention.

But if you still feel trapped in a toxic relationship after sitting down and pouring your heart out to your partner, then saying goodbye for good may be the only remedy.

Staying in a toxic relationship and hoping they will change is just wishful thinking.

Time may be able to heal all wounds, but unfortunately, it cannot repair bad behaviour and recurring relationship problems. The longer you stay in a bad relationship, the deeper your emotional scars will become.

Consider saying goodbye to your toxic relationship in the following situations

Your relationship is lopsided. Whether it’s affection, time, money or an act of kindness nothing you do seems to get a response from your partner. You feel obliged to be more understanding towards them, while they can do whatever they want, usually at your expense.
Your confidence and sense of self-worth are non-existent. In this relationship, you feel less and less about yourself. You find that you no longer fully understand who you are and your confidence depends on your partner approving of what you are doing.
You have become dependent on your partner. The idea of spending a weekend without seeing each other is unthinkable. You can’t do everyday things like going to the gym or doing housework without your partner being there for you.
There are two possibilities for this: you have been led to believe that you need your partner to function in your daily life; or you have delayed your partner by forcing yourself to spend time together.

In either case, extreme codependency is not conducive to relationship development.

How to leave a toxic relationship
Leaving a toxic relationship is a process of mindful solitude.

Being rooted in a destructive relationship for so long can change your perspective on relationships and happiness.

It can affect the way you interact with old friends and ultimately change who you are as a person.

Therefore, you need time to regain your sense of worth, rebuild your confidence and readjust your view of what a healthy relationship should be.

It won’t be as simple as cutting off all contact with the other person – you will have to be proactive in mending your broken heart.

Accept that you can’t change your partner while you’re still in love.
One of the things that stops people from leaving toxic relationships is the hope that their partner will change. Understand that there is a difference between a toxic relationship and a toxic person.

If the toxicity stems from just one person, then the change must come from them. Unfortunately, toxic people rarely see the dark side of their anger and viciousness, which is why they end up taking others down with them.

RELATED Is your man pulling away? Don’t make this one BIG mistake

Reach out to family and friends
Leaving a toxic relationship is a more delicate situation than leaving other types of relationships.

Therefore, it’s best to surround yourself with friends and family who can show you what love and care looks like.

Find and save resources
If you are financially dependent on the other person, give yourself some time to secure some resources before ending the relationship.

A toxic person will have no problem kicking you out of your flat or restricting your financial resources the moment you show disagreement.

Plan ahead, contact friends and family and find a place where you can crash. If you and your partner share a bank account, talk to your bank about the situation and ask for a separate account.

After the break-up.
Cut off all contact

There is a period after a break-up when people feel elated and excited about their newfound freedom.

Building on this is the key to successfully moving on from a toxic relationship. Don’t let your ex ruin the experience.

Make yourself unapproachable so you don’t have to hear any spiel about guilt, betrayal and not trying hard enough.

Rebuild your confidence

After clearing the noise from your life, it’s time to travel inwards. People who leave toxic relationships often have a broken sense of self.

Because of prolonged exposure to harsh criticism, they can no longer find peace in themselves as individuals.

Surround yourself with friends and family, yes, but don’t live off that forever. When you are busy with others, it is easy to block out the anxious voices in your head.

It is only by letting these voices out and talking to them that you can truly release your confidence.

Just as your break-up journey is about redefining your perspective on your relationship, it is also about strengthening your personal self and finding new ways to stand on your own two feet.

Moving forward
Don’t let it define you

Getting out of a toxic relationship is difficult in itself, but even more difficult is having to deal with the aftermath.

You may find yourself more defensive, hostile and impatient in the aftermath of the relationship. You may have unwittingly allowed your previous relationship to set the standard for what a relationship should be.

Leave the bad behaviour where it belongs and focus on your perception of what a good relationship should be.

Let the past be the past and work to create better, healthier standards for relationships centred on love, compassion and respect.

Don’t be a victim forever

As humans, we tend to put traumatic experiences on a pedestal, sometimes wearing them as a badge of honour.

While it’s nice to be proud of how you’ve managed to move on from such a low point in your life, the existence of this chapter shouldn’t define you forever.

Don’t let it seep into other aspects of your life. Sometimes, people who leave toxic relationships morph into their old exes as a form of compensation.

Avoid this by treating the relationship as a random chapter rather than the story of your life.

Is your behaviour toxic behaviour? Here are 4 signs
The decision to get out of a toxic relationship is a rational one.

After all, you don’t want to be with someone who can suck your soul dry.

But what if that person is you?

Each of us wants to believe that we bring good things to every relationship. No one wants to admit that they are the toxic one in the mix.

However, it is important to remember that it takes two to tango and you may be unknowingly contributing to the toxicity in your relationship.

Does this mean you are a bad person?

Of course not. If you recognise your flaws and work with your partner to improve them, this is a clear sign that you just need a little nudge in the right direction.

1) You’re threatening to break up
You use other emotional threats besides “I’m breaking up with you” to get your way. Whenever you feel like you’re not being listened to, you resort to empty threats to get your partner to listen.

How to fix it. Agree on a safe word. When you reach the end of your rope, say the safe word and let your partner know you are close to bursting without having to threaten to break up.

2) You are unfaithful to your partner
As a couple, you should be supportive of each other no matter what. If you find yourself speaking ill of your partner to your friends and family, you are violating the privacy and sanctity of your relationship.

How to fix it. Vent to them instead. Pretend your partner is actually a friend or family member and talk about them as if they weren’t in the room. This way, you can communicate openly with your partner without sacrificing your need for emotional support.

3) You never apologise
Maybe you believe you’re never wrong, or just like having your partner fuss over you after a fight. In either case, refusing to apologise is childish behaviour and it undermines your partner’s confidence.

How to fix it. Just apologise. No ‘buts’, no ‘ifs’, no ‘becauses’. If you’re at fault, apologise and find a way to fix it.

4) You are insecure about yourself and the relationship.
Self-sabotage of a perfectly happy relationship is a common sign of insecurity in relationships. As a result, you may start arguments out of the blue or habitually make your partner feel bad. Perhaps you tend to be jealous and manipulative.

However it manifests itself, know that insecurity is the root of all evil in a relationship. Instead of making more demands on your partner, focus on improving yourself.

How to fix it. Find a hobby Find something that you can be good at and that you enjoy. Learn to enjoy time with yourself and you will have less control over the relationship.

Understanding toxic relationships creates a better you.
A toxic relationship is not the same as a toxic partner. Toxic relationships stem from misunderstandings, resentment and unhappiness. But that doesn’t mean these relationship problems can’t be solved. With love and effort, a toxic relationship can be restored to its former glory.

On the other hand, toxic people need a little work. Whether it’s you or your partner, accept the fact that sometimes the solution to your relationship doesn’t always come together. Whether it’s time apart or more time alone, being able to internalise toxic tendencies is the key to fixing a toxic relationship.

But when all else fails, know that a bad relationship is just a hiccup in an otherwise good life. Find the positivity in everyday things and understand that bad relationships won’t haunt you forever.

How to save your marriage
Firstly, let’s be clear about one thing: just because your partner exhibits a few of the behaviours I’ve just talked about, it doesn’t mean that they definitely don’t love you. It could simply be that these are indicators of future trouble in your marriage.

However, if you have seen several of these indicators in your spouse recently and you feel that your marriage is not on the right track, I encourage you to take action now to turn things around before they get worse.

The best place to start is to watch this free video by marriage guru Brad Browning. He explains where you’re going wrong and what you need to do to get your partner to fall in love with you again.

Click here to watch the video.

Many things can slowly infect a marriage – distance, lack of communication and sexual issues. If not handled properly, these issues can morph into infidelity and disconnection.

When I am asked to find an expert to help save a failing marriage, I always recommend Brad Browning.

Brad is a true expert when it comes to saving marriages. He is a best-selling author and offers valuable advice on his extremely popular YouTube channel.

The strategies Brad reveals in this video are powerful and could be the difference between a “happy marriage” and an “unhappy divorce”.

Here’s the link to the video again.

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Just because your marriage is in trouble doesn’t mean you have to get a divorce.

The key is to take action now and turn things around before they get worse.

If you want practical strategies to significantly improve your marriage, check out our free eBook here.

Our book has one goal: to help you mend your marriage.

Here’s the link to the free eBook again.

I’ve just launched a YouTube channel.
Thank you so much for stopping by Hacking Spirit. I hope you enjoyed reading this article.

If you enjoyed this post, you might like to subscribe to me on YouTube.

I’ve just launched my channel and I’m creating videos based on the articles you read. If you click the subscribe button below, it will mean the world to me. Then you’ll see the videos I’ve posted.

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I’m Lachlan Brown, founder and editor of Hack Spirit. I enjoy writing practical articles that help others to live mindful and better lives. I have a postgraduate degree in psychology and have been reading and researching all about human psychology and practical approaches to the hacker mindset for the past 6 years. If you would like to get in touch with me, please connect with me on Twitter or Facebook.

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MINDFUL LIVING, RELATIONSSHIPS (Relationships)
How to let go of the person you love. 13 things you need to know
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March 26th, 2020 at 8:57 am
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Giving up the person you love is never easy.

We invest so much energy in romantic relationships that when we finally accept that it’s time to say goodbye, it’s like saying goodbye to an important part of ourselves.

Every funny memory, every inside joke, every photo – letting go means giving up everything the two of you shared, and that’s a choice we’re not willing to make.

But there are times when you just need to look inside yourself and acknowledge – it’s over, it’s done and it’s time to move on.

In this article, I’ll talk about the best ways to let go of the person you love.

How to let go of the person you love: 13 essential tips

  1. Separate yourself
    Separating from the person you love doesn’t just mean putting physical space between the two of you. Separation constitutes a mental and emotional separation from that person.

Once you fall in love with someone, you begin to believe that your energies are in sync; that somehow you can feel what they are feeling and know them better than anyone else in the world.

The first step in letting go of the person you love is to detach. Remind yourself that this journey involves you, not anyone else.

Imagine yourself as a unique individual, separate from the desires and emotions of your current ex-partner.

  1. Make peace with your past
    It is difficult to move forward when you feel that something is holding you back.

Maybe you feel guilty about not being the best partner, or maybe you also feel guilty about wanting to end the relationship.

Despite these feelings, remind yourself that in the midst of love, longing and happiness, there is a part of you that wants to let go and let yourself be this person.

No matter how much you love them, there is a stronger, wiser part of you that knows it’s time to move on.

Whatever it is that’s holding you back – guilt, anger, unresolved issues, unfair accusations, unrequited love – consider this thing done and dealt with.

Remember: you’re not fixing the relationship anymore, you’re preparing yourself to move forward, so there’s no need to brood on past mistakes or missed opportunities.

  1. Reflect on how you can survive a good relationship
    To get over the person you love, you need to reflect on the relationship and work out what went right and what went wrong.

Whatever the reason for the breakup, it is important that you learn from your mistakes so that your next relationship will be successful.

And for women, I think the best way to ensure future success is to understand what really drives men in relationships.

Because men see the world differently than you do, they have different motivations when it comes to love.

Men have an inherent desire for something ‘greater’ that goes beyond love or sex. This is why men who seem to have the ‘perfect girlfriend’ remain unhappy and find themselves constantly searching for something else – or worst of all, someone else.

Simply put, men have a biological drive to feel wanted, to feel important and to provide for the women he cares about.

Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the hero instinct. He has created an excellent free video on this concept.

You can watch his free video here.

As James argues, male desire isn’t complicated, it’s just misunderstood. Instinct is a powerful driver of human behaviour, and this is especially true for how men deal with their relationships.

Therefore, a man is unlikely to be satisfied in a relationship when his heroic instincts are not triggered. He holds back because for him, being in a relationship is a serious investment. And he won’t fully ‘invest’ in you unless you give him a sense of meaning and purpose that makes him feel essential.

How do you trigger this instinct in him? How do you give him a sense of meaning and purpose?

You don’t have to pretend to be anything you’re not or play the “damsel in distress”. You don’t have to downplay your strength or independence in any way, shape or form.

In an authentic way, you just need to show your man what you need and give him permission to step up to the plate and meet it.

In his video, James Bauer outlines several things you can do. He reveals phrases, texts and little requests that you can use right now to make him feel more important to you.

Here’s the link to the video again.

By triggering this very natural male instinct, you’ll not only put his confidence into overdrive, but also help your (future) relationship rocket to the next level.

  1. Declare your “why”
    Moving forward is a self-imposed task and, like all tasks, you need a clear reason to motivate you to reach the end of your goal.

Giving up on a loved one can be a painful experience.

Where love is concerned, there are a million different ways you can convince yourself to turn back and stay with that person, no matter how futile or difficult your situation may be.

Therefore, you need to translate your motivation to move on into simple, repeatable words like.

I’m moving on because I don’t think my partner and I have the same goals in life.
I’m moving on because I’m in love with someone because I don’t want to wait for someone who doesn’t love me to come back.
I want to move on because I don’t deserve to love an abusive partner.
Declaring your motivation to move on will help you stay on track and keep yourself focused so that you can successfully move on from this experience.

  1. Stop fantasising
    Disengaging with the person you love means stop imagining yourself with them.

Whether it’s naive thoughts of your possible future together or the occasional sexy fantasy, any form of imagination involving this person must stop.

In order to truly let go of a person, you must give yourself the space to unlearn about that person and become a stranger to them.

If they are constantly on your mind, you will be tempted to dissect the situation and start imagining the two of you together.

  1. Accept your grief
    No matter how amicable your separation is, leaving another person is still heavy on the heart. Accept that sadness – but don’t use it to fuel feelings of self-pity and regret.

Don’t hide from these emotions and pretend they don’t exist. An important part of being committed to yourself is accepting your feelings untainted by your now ex-partner’s opinion of them.

Whatever your feelings and beliefs about the relationship or situation, know that it is safe to bring them out now without fear of judgement from others.

Embrace your feelings for what they are, so you can start to heal and move forward from them.

RELATED. I was deeply unhappy… Then I discovered this one Buddhist teaching.

  1. Getting back together
    This article is all about how to let go of the person you love. And usually the best way to let go is to simply move on with your life without this person in it.

But here’s a counter-intuitive piece of advice you don’t usually hear. Why not try to get back together with them?

The simple fact is that not all breakups are the same. Here are some situations in which getting back together with your ex is actually a good idea

You are still compatible
You didn’t break up because of violence, toxic behaviour or incompatible values.
If you still have strong feelings for your ex, you should at least consider getting back together with them.

The best bit? You don’t need to go through all the pain of letting go.

You do, however, need a plan of attack to get them back.

If you want some help, Brad Browning is the person I always suggest people turn to. He is a best-selling author and easily offers the most effective ‘get your ex back’ advice on the internet.

Believe me, I have met many self-proclaimed “gurus” who have not mastered the practical advice Brad offers.

If you want to learn more, you can check out his free online video here. Brad gives some free tips that you can use immediately to get your ex back.

Brad claims that over 90% of relationships can be saved and while that may sound unreasonably high, I tend to think he’s on the money.

I’ve come across too many Hack Spirit readers who have happily returned to their exes to be a sceptic.

Here’s the link to Brad’s free video again. If you want a foolproof plan to actually get your ex back, then Brad will give you one.

  1. Make a plan
    In order to move on, you need to take the steps that will really get you going.

This means investing your time and energy in activities and people that add value to your life.

As well as being a distraction, having a plan will rekindle your enthusiasm, curiosity and interest in the world, opening you up to new experiences and filling a temporary void in your life.

Use this as a time to improve yourself – not just as a new person’s lover-to-be, but as a regular person. Take up a new hobby, or catch up with a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while.

The point of this phase is to keep you so busy that your life now becomes so separate from the one you share with your partner. Think about it, this marks the end of a previous chapter and a fresh start.

  1. Get to know yourself again and what your values are.
    Taking pride in who you are is a key step towards independence. It is difficult to reassess who you are after this relationship because being with another person will change you in ways you didn’t even know were possible.

Use this as a time to reflect on your truest and deepest principles. Evaluate your views and ask yourself if you believe them wholeheartedly or out of influence.

By breaking down your current values, you can rediscover what you truly believe in, like to do, and are free from outside influences.

One of the best ways to do this is to pick up a notebook and write down your thoughts and feelings.

Writing will help your mind to slow down and structure the information in your head.

Remember, part of the healing process of getting rid of your loved one is expressing, understanding and delving into your different emotions.

Keeping a journal can help you express your painful feelings in a safe environment. No one will read what you write.

You may be angry, or sad. Whatever you are feeling, let it out. Process those feelings.

If you want to know how to start journaling, try asking these three questions.

If you want a foolproof plan to get your ex back, check out our free new eBook – The Ex-Back Handbook. Get your free copy here.

How do I feel?
What am I doing?
Am I trying to change my life?

These questions will give you insight into your emotions and prompt you to think about the future.

Writing down what you want to change gives you the ultimate responsibility to change your life.

Knowing that you hold the cards to create a better life is empowering. You don’t need to rely on others; you can take responsibility for your life and shape its direction.

  1. Know your self-worth
    I get it.

This advice will seem obvious and old-fashioned. But it will still be very valuable.

To let go of the person you love, you really have to work on the most important relationship of your life – the one you have with yourself.

For many people, breakups are a negative reflection of our self-worth.

Because breaking up is not just losing the person you love, it’s losing the person you thought you were when you were with them.

Yet it’s not easy to love yourself. From a very young age, we are conditioned to think that happiness comes from the outside.

It is only when we find the ‘perfect person’ with whom we can relate that we find self-worth, security and happiness.

I think this is a life-destroying myth.

Not only does it create many unhappy relationships, but it poisons you to live a life without optimism and personal independence.

I learnt this from watching an excellent free video by world renowned shaman Rudá Iandê.

Now, I am not typically someone who would seek shamanic advice. But Rudá Iandê is not your typical shaman.

Rudá makes shamanism relevant to modern society Explaining and communicating shamanism to people like you and me

People who lead normal lives

If you are struggling at this time of year, go here and check out his free video.

It’s a wonderful resource to help you let go of the person you love and move on with your life with confidence.

  1. What was life like when you were single?
    You may feel frustrated or angry if you have to let go of the person you love.

Maybe you tell yourself that you will never be happy again. You’ll never find someone as good again. But that’s not the case at all.

Here are some important questions you can ask yourself that will lead you in the right direction.

  • What was life like before I fell in love?
  • How did I spend my time before I got involved with someone?
  • What was my favourite thing about being single?

Projecting a future without another person in your life is simply unimaginable. In order to reorganise your self, it is important to think back to the time before you fell in love.

By doing so, you can find the strength to know that there was a time when you were completely independent, happy and capable without another person in your life.

By seeing the break-up as just another episode in your life, it becomes easier to welcome a whole new chapter in your story.

  1. It’s time to move forward and create a new life
    Here are some questions you need to ask yourself.

Do I like being surrounded by friends and family or do I prefer to be alone?
What new things can I try to improve to make my life richer?
What kind of person do I want to be after learning what I know now from my last relationship?
After rebuilding your identity and taking pride in who you are, it’s time to do something that will really help you move forward.

It can be as simple as getting in touch with an old friend or tracking your emotions through a diary.

There are different actions you can take to start moving on. In the end, it’s all about finding meaning in your life.

Being in a relationship isn’t the only way to feel meaningful. The reason we get so much meaning from relationships is that they give us a sense of belonging.

When all of us were hunter-gatherers, there was never any doubt that we belonged.

We were part of a tribe, part of the place where we lived, part of the ecosystem. Now, all that has changed.

We have to find our own tribe. Many people live far away from their families, or are estranged from them.

We meet different groups of friends throughout our lives and must find those who really click.

More of us have never had children, and those of us who do tend to have children much later than our parents and grandparents.

This is why a relationship has so much potential to provide us with a sense of belonging and meaning. Our partner is someone who can navigate the world with us.

A good partnership can ground us and give us the strength to grow. But a relationship can also tear apart our sense of meaning and belonging.

A relationship that doesn’t feel right can keep us from interacting with the world in an authentic way.

Spending most of your time with someone you don’t really love, and who doesn’t really love you, undermines your ability to connect with others.

Viktor Frankl, a former World War II concentration camp inmate, wrote a book called Man’s Search for Meaning.

In the book he talks about how even those reduced to the most desperate circumstances will seek connection and belonging.

People who are almost starving to death will give away their last piece of bread and give comfort to others. Meaning inspires everything.

One of Frankl’s most famous quotes is: “Our greatest freedom is the freedom to choose our attitude”.

This is an important thing to remember after a break-up. Breakups feel chaotic and out of control.

We feel like our emotions are overtaking us and we can’t do anything to stop them.

We are afraid that our life is not the life we thought it would be. Frankel would say that we should find meaning in a different way and choose to change our attitude.

  1. Establish a morning and evening routine
    Why it’s good: It’s hard to get back to normal after a breakup, which is exactly why establishing a morning and evening routine is necessary.

Having something to look forward to when you wake up and when you get home from work and school will make each day more exciting.

Maybe you can adapt a whole new skincare routine or make sure you cook healthy meals for dinner.

At the end of the day, what you choose to do on your own time isn’t really important.

It’s about building much-needed motivation to get up and move forward each day by knowing exactly what to do in the morning and at night.

How to achieve this.

Make mornings and evenings more enjoyable by incorporating self-care into your daily routine.
Try to stick to your routine for a fortnight after the break-up. After you start to feel better, you can start to become more free with your time.
Try a different routine for weekends and weekdays. Maybe on weekday mornings you want to start your day with a podcast, and then have breakfast with friends first thing on weekend mornings.
Letting Go: Find positivity, growth and opportunity in yourself, without your partner.

Letting go of someone you love is contradictory because on the one hand, you understand that you crave freedom and independence, and on the other hand, you’ve invested so much love in the relationship that breaking up with them feels like carving out a part of yourself.

Rather than seeing this as letting someone go and losing a part of yourself, look at the situation positively and see it as an opportunity to grow further.

Your adventure didn’t start with that one person, and it likely won’t stop there.

Remind yourself of the potential you had before you fell in love, and the possibilities you will encounter once you move on.

Introducing my new book
For further insight into what I discuss in this blog post, check out my book, The Art of the Breakup. How to Let Go of the Person You Love.

In this book, I will show you exactly how to get over the person you love as quickly and as successfully as possible.

First, I’ll take you through the 5 different types of breakups – this gives you the opportunity to better understand why your relationship came to an end and how the consequences are affecting you now.

Next, I’ll provide a pathway to help you figure out exactly why you feel the way you do about a breakup.

I’ll show you how to really see these feelings for what they really are, so that you can accept them and eventually move on from them.

In the final stage of the book, I reveal to you why your best self is waiting to be discovered right now.

I show you how to embrace singleness, rediscover the profound meaning and simple pleasures of life, and ultimately find love again.

Now, this book is not a magic pill.

It is a valuable tool to help you become one of those unique people who can accept, deal with and move on.

By implementing these practical tips and insights, you will not only free yourself from the mental shackles of a painful breakup, but you will likely become a stronger, healthier and happier person than you were before.

Check them out here.

You might also like to read.
Why you lost your boyfriend (and how you can get him back)
My life was going nowhere until I had this revelation.
It’s the one thing all men want (and it’s not sex).
Free eBook. 4 Steps to Starting Over with Your Ex

Do you want to get back together with your ex?

Then you need to check out our free ebook, The Ex Recovery Handbook.

We have one goal: to help you win your ex back (for good!) .

If you want a foolproof plan to turn your breakup around, you’ll love this guide.

Check it out here.

I’ve just launched a YouTube channel.
Thank you so much for stopping by Hacker Spirit. I hope you enjoyed reading this article.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like to subscribe to me on YouTube.

I’ve just launched my channel and I’m creating videos based on the articles you read. If you click the subscribe button below, it will mean the world to me. Then you’ll see the videos I’ve posted.

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Author: Lachlan Brown
I’m Lachlan Brown, founder and editor of Hack Spirit. I enjoy writing practical articles that help others to live mindful and better lives. I have a postgraduate degree in psychology and have been reading and researching all practical approaches to human psychology and the hacker mindset for the past 6 years. If you would like to get in touch with me, please connect with me on Twitter or Facebook.

Living Wisely
Mending Marriage Review (2020). Is it worth it? My review
By Jude PalerJude Paler
March 26th, 2020 at 6:59 am
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When you buy through our links, we may earn money from our affiliate partners. Find out more here.

With over half of all marriages ending in divorce, online courses like Mend The Marriage are much needed.

Intimacy issues, adultery and lack of communication can eat away at trust and marital bliss. These ongoing issues can lead to grief, depression and even abuse if they are not handled correctly.

Many couples are looking for a life raft during these turbulent times, and Brad Browning’s comprehensive guide may well be it.

My marriage is going through a difficult time, so a friend recommended this best-selling book to me. I’ve read The Man’s Marriage in its entirety, and here I tell you everything you need to know.

In this comprehensive review of A Man’s Marriage, I’ll let you know what was good about the course, what I didn’t like, and how it actually helped my marriage.

Let’s get started.

This review contains affiliate links, which means that if you buy the book, I earn a commission. However, that doesn’t stop me from sharing the good and the bad of it. You can read my affiliate disclosure here.

What is Mending Marriage?

Many things can slowly infect a marriage – distance, lack of communication and sexual issues. If not handled correctly, these issues can morph into infidelity and disconnection.

Mend The Marriage is an online course specifically designed for couples who are on the loose and looking for answers.

The entire course consists of

A 200+ page e-book
A 4 hour audio course
A 7-part video series
Worksheets to help couples experiencing marital difficulties
Plus 3 complimentary eBooks.
In these materials, divorce expert and relationship coach Brad Browning provides couples with valuable advice. He assists them in rediscovering each other and igniting their passion.

His best-selling course is about working on one’s self and working on one’s relationship – they are one and the same according to Browning.

This online course is a powerful tool that can save you from a painful divorce.

Click here to view Mending Marriage.
Who is Brad Browning?

Brad Browning is a divorce expert and relationship coach from Vancouver who has been helping couples mend their marriages for over a decade.

Browning is the author of two best-selling relationship courses – The Ex Factor and Mending Marriages.

He shares his wealth of experience in his articles and books to help couples everywhere. His articles regularly appear in Your Tango, LoveLearnings.com and many other publications.

Brad Browning is also the host of a popular YouTube show where he offers tips on love and commitment to his followers.

Why did I decide to review Mend The Marriage?
I found out about Mend The Marriage through a friend. She couldn’t stop talking about it and suggested I give it a shot. The program helped her and her husband so much that they even renewed their vows.

After her trusting feedback about the digital program, I was intrigued by Mend The Marriage’s journey. It’s hard sometimes because Mend The Marriage tells couples some home truths – many of which you probably don’t want to hear.

I certainly didn’t want to hear them either!

But if you stick with the program and go through with it in its entirety, you will come out a better person and hopefully a better partner at the other end.

I am human, which means I am flawed. I acknowledge that it’s hard for me to take responsibility and to not put eternal blame on my partner. It’s about letting go of always being right and learning to balance my perspective.

After attending Brad Browning’s course for a few months, I believe my marriage is a better person for having done this, and it has made me a better person. I no longer feel angry at every little thing my partner does.

Thanks to Browning’s advice, I am now more focused on self-improvement. I exercise five days a week, I meditate and I eat clean, healthy food.

I’m a better wife to my husband because I feel better physically and mentally. I support him emotionally and sexually.

All in all, this relationship-stuff between my husband and I really works! I’m grateful that I’m able to put Bradley’s work first.

I’m grateful that I was able to put Brad Browning’s valuable relationship advice into practice. At first it was confronting and I often wanted to throw in the towel. But thankfully, I persevered and made it across the finish line.

But I’m not the only one happy to have finished Mending Marriage – my husband is delighted. He no longer felt like the target of my anger or agitation.

Our days have become harmonious.

Latest offers
The Mended Marriage is sometimes on sale. Please visit the website to see the current cheapest prices.

(This link will open a new tab so you can continue reading this review).

Click here
What is Mend The Marriage for men about?

Mend The Marriage was created to turn divorce around. It is a manual for men and women who are navigating a marriage that is no longer working.

The online course covers sex, intimacy, anger, jealousy and more. It teaches couples how to recover from these symptoms, which are often the result of a stagnant relationship.

The “ABCD method” around which the course is based teaches couples how to push through the four stages to push through resentment and negative memories.

Learning how to forgive is another of the most important parts of the course, and Browning focuses quite heavily on helping couples recover.

Here is an introduction to the ABCD Method, which is the basis of the Mend The Marriage programme.

Acceptance of the status quo
Although this stage sounds simple and self-explanatory, one would be surprised at how many people are in denial about their relationship.

Browning teaches couples that acceptance is always the first stage until they can move forward. It means letting go of blame and taking responsibility for their part in the breakdown of the relationship. It means taking care of yourself so that you can do your best when talking to your partner (or ex-partner).

Building resilience
In this stage, Browning talks about living a healthy life, thinking positively and not beating yourself up.

This means having good quality sleep, good nutrition and exercise.

If you can’t take care of yourself, you will have little chance of being able to ‘take care’ of your relationship. When relationships break down, people often lose control of their emotions in anger – it’s the worst thing they can do.

Browning coaches couples to take a step back, take a deep breath and make wiser choices.

Committing to change
This session is about sticking to positive thoughts rather than going back to negative ones.

It is easy to practice healthy habits in the short term, but these changes need to be sustained over time to receive positive results. So this is a continuation of Phase 2.

People are attracted to positivity. Be a positive person, acquire some new hobbies and become the person your ex-partner wants to get back together with.

Go all in
This stage is all about being honest, not playing mind games and continuing to be your best self during this painful and uncomfortable period. Be honest, admit your mistakes and tell your partner what you want.

But once you’ve put your cards on the table, it’s time to walk away and let them come to you. You can’t force another person to feel the way you want them to feel. If you don’t get the result you want, you must be open to letting go.

What does this program include?

The Mend The Marriage online course includes a 200+ page eBook, a 4 hour audio course, a 7 part video series, worksheets to assist couples, plus 3 free bonuses. That’s what I call comprehensive – there’s almost nothing missing.

The course covers the whole gamut of what it takes to mend a marriage.

Here is a summary of the 3 additional bonus eBooks that I found particularly useful

A Guide to Money Problems
Nothing ruins a marriage more than financial problems.

How many arguments in a marriage are about finances? It can be so draining – both emotionally and sexually.

Brad Browning uses this guide to help couples whose financial problems are festering, so that you don’t hate each other, stop being intimate and lose your mind.

Infidelity Survival Guide
Trust and fidelity are the cornerstones of marriage, or so it seems.

But let’s be honest, in a world full of choices, fidelity and loyalty aren’t easy for either gender. This guide is the ultimate must-read for those who find both problematic.

Browning teaches couples not to assume that their significant other is having an affair, because you could be very wrong. He also reveals that most affairs go undetected overall, so you may think you’re happily married when you’re not.

The truth is indeed the truth!

Finally, just because your partner is cheating on you sexually does not necessarily mean that he/she does not love you. Often the loss of intimacy in a relationship can lead to adultery, which has nothing to do with you as a person.

The Children and Divorce eBook
Divorce can be really hard on children and can affect them through adolescence and adulthood.

This thoughtful eBook takes couples through the various stages of divorce and how this relates to the emotional impact on children. Brad also addresses how parents often play the victim scenario.

No parent wants their divorce or temporary break-up to affect their children psychologically for the rest of their lives. Browning teaches couples how to avoid this tragic outcome.

Click here to view Mending Marriages.
How much does Mend The Marriage cost?
The cost of Mend The Marriage is $49.95.

Included in the price are the main eBook, video, audio and the bonuses mentioned above.

Now, $49.95 isn’t pocket change, but considering all the resources you get, I think it’s well worth it. If it can help improve (or even save) your marriage, then the price will be quickly forgotten.

Benefits of the Mending Marriage Program
Here’s what I like most about the Mending Marriages course

Unlike many relationship courses aimed at women, this online course is designed for both women and men, as it should be!
The course is easy to understand and easy to put into practice.
The full program includes an eBook, videos, audio and plenty of bonuses. When I went to sign up, I didn’t expect Brad Browning to offer so many resources to help save my marriage. I was impressed.
Mend the Marriage outlines every possible obstacle to marriage you can think of and urges couples to be aware of their failures in the relationship.
No need to shell out thousands of dollars to see a therapist!
It comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee. This makes it a risk-free purchase.
Disadvantages
While I have found this program to be very effective for my own marriage, my Mending Marriage review won’t be complete unless I touch on the things I don’t like about it.

Some of the advice offered by Brad Browning tends to be generalised and set out in simple terms. Great in theory, but perhaps not in practice. Many marriages have layers and layers of deeper problems. I’m not sure Browning’s advice would be helpful for more complex marital issues.
This online course is only available in digital format, which is a real shame for people who prefer to read tangible books, or for those who are not online or tech savvy.
Does Mend The Marriage work?
Mend The Marriage will help couples who are willing to put in the effort. There are certainly some interesting insights in this online program that can help you change destructive behaviours.

The program is also good at holding individuals accountable for their actions, which I believe is very useful for long-term relationship recovery.

While I was travelling through the program, miracles certainly began to happen in my own marriage as I stopped playing the blame game and identifying as a victim. As Browning keeps pointing out, victimhood is a very dangerous narrative.

Being a victim really gets you nowhere.

Implementing change in relationships and sticking to it can be difficult, but if you are committed to improving your relationship then Browning’s expert advice can certainly help you.

Click here to view Mending Marriage.
Mending Marriage’ review. My Review

Thank you for reading my review of Mending Marriage.

I like the Mending Marriages program because it demonstrates the narrative that often unfolds in unsuccessful marriages. The online program examines ways to fix problems that arise in a relationship. Browning’s advice is a powerful weapon for men and women trying to mend their broken ones.

The online course may not be the same as a one-on-one session with a counsellor or relationship psychologist, but it is still a worthwhile addition to any marriage that is slowly tearing itself apart.

If you don’t like it or it doesn’t work for you personally, then a 60-day money-back guarantee ensures that the purchaser of the course is covered.

Obviously, no book, online course or therapist’s course can guarantee that your marriage will be saved. Sometimes relationships really are irreparable and it’s wise to move on.

But if you do feel there is hope and you are willing to try with your partner, then Mending Marriage would be a great course to take.

Click here to grab a copy of Mend The Marriage.

Mend The Marriage Reviews

My rating. 4.5 out of 5
4.5/5
What I liked.
Helpful for marriages going through common issues.
Easy to practice tips
Designed for women and men
No need to spend thousands of dollars to see a therapist.
What I don’t know
Not very useful if you have deep-seated problems in your marriage.
E-book only (no hardcover)
Synopsis
Mending Marriage by Brad Browning is a powerful weapon for women and men trying to mend a struggling marriage.

This online program is comprehensive, but also easy to follow. While some marriages may indeed require one-on-one help from a counsellor, this guide offers practical solutions to many of the common problems experienced in marriage.

Buy from the official website
If you have found value in this review, please consider clicking on the links in this article (such as the button above) to purchase the program. It helps keep the lights on in the spirit of hacking and food on the table for all of us writers!

Officially priced at $49.95

New Free eBook. Attraction Triggers

Want to know how to get a man to fall in love with you and commit for the long haul?

Then check out our free eBook Attraction Triggers.

This eBook contains everything you need to know about the predictable patterns that make men fall in love.

Most importantly, it will teach you practical techniques to activate these triggers in your man so that you can build a successful long-term relationship.

Check it out here.

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I am a poet with a positive outlook on life and a writer with a purpose. I write in order to express my thoughts so that others may be inspired.

Health, Meditation, Mindful living, Science, Self-improvement.
How to stop worrying …… Even in times of uncertainty.
By Lachlan BrownLachlan Brown
March 26th, 2020 at 3:39 am
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Feeling more worried and anxious than usual?

You are not alone.

Anxiety thrives on uncertainty.

And, as the coronavirus spreads and society is turned upside down, our unanswered questions our unanswered questions can make us feel vulnerable or fearful. can make us feel vulnerable or fearful.

“Will it come to my community?” “Am I in danger?” “Will I lose my job?”

Now don’t get me wrong.

Worry and anxiety is actually useful when it sharpens our cognitive responses and prompts us to act. After all, it’s part of our programming as human beings.

Even the calmest, most collected person can feel worried from time to time.

But worry can also take on a shape of its own and become more harmful than beneficial.

So in this article I thought I would explain how worrying affects your physical mind and body, and some actionable techniques on how to turn your excess mental energy into something more productive and positive.

Why do we worry and why worrying isn’t always so bad?

The first thing we need to understand is that worrying is a normal part of life.

We experience anxiety and stress at important times – job interviews, critical tests, life-changing social confrontations.

We worry because the mind understands that, unlike the vast majority of moments that make up our lives, an upcoming event will fundamentally determine the state of your life.

Whether this is true or not, the mind believes this, making anxiety about a minor problem as real as anxiety about a more serious one.

But despite what many people think, worrying is not necessarily a bad thing. We all worry to some extent, and that worry can help us achieve the outcomes we most want.

For example

Worrying about exams may make a person study more; worrying about interviews may make them more prepared.

And worrying about catching a coronavirus may prompt us to take action to protect ourselves by washing our hands more often, keeping our distance from others and staying at home.

It is when worry becomes excessive that we begin to observe that there is something wrong with the way worry manifests itself.

Negative manifestations of worry include, in addition to general anxiety and stress.

  • Worrying so much that it prevents you from engaging or participating in your worries
  • Worrying so much that the body develops a strong stress response that negatively affects one’s physical and mental health.
  • Worrying so much to avoid the source of anxiety that it causes self-harm.

I have personally experienced these manifestations. The worst bit is that you know your worry is excessive, but you can’t help it.

It’s like a tornado in your mind that feeds on itself.

Fortunately, there are ways to put limits on worry and even shape it to help you, rather than allowing it to grow into a negative and potentially harmful habit.

However, a person must learn to put a cap on their worry and shape it to help them, rather than allowing their worry to grow into negative and potentially harmful habits.

How to stop yourself from spiralling

Image credit: Shutterstock – By nd3000
Episodes of anxiety rarely subside to a neutral state. Instead of taking the time to breathe and relax, most of us will spiral and think the worst about our situation.

Once you start to descend under the pit of negative thoughts, controlling your thoughts is simply impossible, so much so that once you start to worry, the spiral feels inevitable.

However, the spiral doesn’t have to be the final destination.

You can do some mental exercises to catch yourself before your thoughts get any worse.

To help yourself get back on track, it is worthwhile to do some mental exercises to recalibrate your mental capacity and give you better control over your thought processes.

1) Understand the source of your anxiety
Questions to ask yourself.

Why do I feel this way?
What parts of the problem do I feel are beyond my control?
At what point did I start to spiral?
People say that overthinking is the last thing you should do when experiencing a panic attack, but doing so can also help clear the fog and put the problem in a logical, practical way.

Therefore, dissecting your thoughts is the first step to stopping the spiral. Instead of looking at the real or perceived problem as a huge thing, try to solve it piece by piece.

Take apart the individual elements that make up the problem and ask yourself which parts create anxiety and worry.

At the end of this exercise you will have a better understanding of your situation, allowing you to easily navigate your emotions and reactions.

2) Accept that the past is behind you
Things to tell yourself.

Worrying won’t change anything, at this point, so why bother?
There are other things that are within my control and I will focus on that.
A mistake/event/problem doesn’t define who I am.
Ultimately, worrying is really just a reaction, a coping mechanism we use to try to mitigate a situation by taking control of our thoughts.

But we need to remember that this is never a solution. Worry only widens the scope of the problem and makes it more visible; it does not help to solve it.

Sometimes the outcome is permanent and there is no choice but to move forward.

It is pointless to worry about things you can never change; you are just wasting your energy reliving something that has already happened.

A quote from the Dalai Lama illustrates this point well.

“If a problem is solvable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no point in worrying about it. If it can’t be solved, then worrying won’t help. There’s no benefit to worrying.”

Instead of figuring out the hundreds of different situations that could happen, it’s better to accept the very real situation that has happened and try to move forward and do better next time.

This is something that I struggled to understand years ago when I was struggling with anxiety.

Instead of struggling with my anxiety, I needed to learn to accept it for what it was.

(You can read my story about how studying Buddhist teachings changed my life here).

It’s really about internalising how permanent the situation is and accepting that no amount of worry or anxiety will change the outcome, so why persist in worrying?

3) Start figuring out your choices
Questions to ask yourself.

What’s the best/worst case scenario, and how do I continue in both situations?
What is my back-up plan if things don’t work out?
How do I make sure I don’t hit rock bottom in case things don’t work out?
Scientists believe that our tendency to focus more on negative thoughts than positive ones may be an involuntary cognitive process after all.

The phenomenon of negative bias explains why humans are more inclined to negative thoughts, suggesting that it is hard-wired into our evolution as a protection against the worst-case scenario.

However, what is supposed to be a proactive, protective defence protocol can easily turn into a paralysing disease.

Once we think of the worst-case scenario, we convince ourselves to postpone dealing with the problem or situation altogether in order to avoid having to face reality.

But this doesn’t really do anything but postpone confrontation. Problems don’t go away just because you choose to walk away.

Again, you only feel stuck because you’ve put yourself in the worst possible situation. Instead of staying there, force yourself to imagine a life beyond the problem and start figuring out how to get there.

Remember that every point in your life, no matter how bad, can be a starting point.

As long as you don’t let worry envelop and guide your life, you can turn every bad situation around by preparing practical steps on how to overcome the worst of it.

4) Meditation
Meditation has long been known to reduce stress and achieve a calm state of mind.

Meditation can lower your heart rate and blood pressure, which are known to be physiological signs of stress.

The good news is that anyone can practise meditation.

Here are 4 steps to get you started with your practice

1) Choose a time and place that is free of distractions and interruptions.

2) Make yourself comfortable.

Find a physical position that allows you to relax and be comfortable.

3) Try to get into a relaxed, passive mental attitude. Let your mind go blank.

If thoughts and worries arise, acknowledge them and then go back to trying to relax and be thought-free.

4) Concentrate on a mental device.

You can use a mantra, or a simple word, and keep repeating it. Or you can stare at a fixed object. Whatever it is, the goal is to focus on something so that you can block out thoughts and distractions.

Over time, you will become better at focusing your mind on whatever you choose during meditation.

For example, elite Buddhist monks can focus their minds on one object for hours without distraction.

When I started, I could barely manage 20 seconds! Now I can do 10-20 minutes a day and I can say without a doubt that my concentration has improved dramatically.

If you want to learn more mindfulness techniques that can help you focus and calm down, check out my e-book. The Art of Mindfulness. A Practical Guide to Living in the Moment.

In this e-book you will get simple, actionable techniques that you can put into practice straight away.

I’ll guide you through your first meditation and give you some straightforward and powerful exercises to help you be more mindful every day.

5) Remember all the other times you feel anxious.
Things to tell yourself.

I’ve been through a similar situation before and things have gone better than I thought they would.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened and I will get over it like I did last time.
In a year’s time this problem won’t seem so big.
The impermanence of life is a blessing in disguise. We may not be able to hold on to the things we like, like security, stability and confidence, but it also means that the bad moments won’t haunt you for the rest of your life.

In the midst of worry, we tend to forget that life runs in a cycle of good and bad, and sometimes the only way to weather the storm is to ride it out.

When it comes to uncontrollable worries, you need to be realistic and remember all your previous worries.

It’s a good reminder that what you were worried about a year ago doesn’t matter today, and that issue won’t matter a year from now.

6) Be wary of automatic thoughts
The question to ask yourself.

When I am at a good point in my life, do I still feel this way about myself?
Do I have a tendency to make myself feel worse when I am at a low point?
Do I usually have so much doubt about myself?
When we worry, negative affirmations like “I’m a failure”, “I don’t have what it takes to succeed” and “I’ll never be good enough” come up easily.

But even though the worry is temporary, the words we say to ourselves during bouts of difficulty are permanent.

Whatever negative things you say about yourself are bound to chip away at your self-confidence and affect you even after you stop worrying.

So whenever you start hearing these automatic doubts in your head, remember that they are not constant, but only because you are worrying.

Realise that whatever you feel about yourself right now is impermanent and that you an event or problem does not define you as a person.

7) Breathing exercises
Simple breathing exercises can also help reduce stress and increase relaxation.

Fast, erratic breathing is a common result of stress. However, slow, deep, regular breathing is a sign of relaxation.

If you learn to control your breathing to mimic relaxation, the effect can be very relaxing.

For me, breathing exercises are at the top of the list of the most important habits I have developed in my life.

I have been doing them consistently for 6 years now and they have helped me to improve my ability to control my reactions and calm myself down.

The good news?

There are many breathing techniques you can adopt into your life, from the most basic to the more advanced.

In my e-book, A Nonsense Guide to Using Buddhist Philosophy to Create a Better Life, I outline my favourite breathing and meditation techniques. If you want to delve into these techniques, as well as learn more about Buddhist philosophy, you can check out my book here.

For now, here’s how you can quickly fall into deep breathing

1) Breathe slowly and deeply while focusing on the up and down movement of your abdomen.
2) Hold your breath for 4 seconds.
3) Exhale, thinking about how relaxed it is, for 6 seconds.
4) Repeat this sequence 5 to 10 times, focusing on slow, deep breathing.

This is a great way to reduce stress and you can do it for as long as you like. Another benefit is that you can do it anywhere you like.

Here’s a video that explains the neuroscience behind why tuning in to your senses can be effective in tuning your mind to the present moment.

“Turning Worrying Into Productivity”
At the end of the day, worry is just an excess of mental energy and, like any energy, you can turn it into something more positive and productive.

Here’s a list of actionable things you can do each day to turn your nervous energy into something else.

1) Do a physical activity
A great way to take a break from your unproductive worry is to physically move away from the situation.

When we are anxious, we are filled with negative energy that makes us restless. Instead of using this energy to fuel your worries, consider channeling it into physical activity.

Everything from going to the gym to reorganising your wardrobe is a great way to engage your brain in physical activity.

To get the most out of your time, it’s a good idea to do something that requires concentration and a mind-body connection so that you are simultaneously training your brain to be more aware of the activity at hand, which forces your mind to focus on the task at hand.

Things you can do. Hike, lift weights, use a hula hoop or jump rope, follow an online choreography, do yoga, rearrange your room, do sprint intervals, plank for as long as possible.

2) Bring your thoughts into focus
Mental deficits don’t always require a spiritual solution. You can interact with the world around you, engage your physical senses and bring you back to earth.

Focusing your thoughts involves using your senses of sight, smell, touch, hearing and taste to force your brain to focus on the here and now.

The idea of Five Senses Medication is to focus on an event or phenomenon and experience it vividly through the five senses.

Let’s say you are taking a shower. There is no doubt that this is such a normal part of your day that you are on autopilot while you are doing it.

During the meditation, pay close attention to the prattling of the water on your skin. is it warm? Is it cold?

Next, listen to the sound of the water drops falling on the bathroom floor. Try to distinguish each drop of water that falls. Lather yourself up with shampoo – what does it smell like? Watch the bubbles form from the mere liquid.

Finally, brush your teeth as you have done many times before – what does your toothpaste taste like? Did you get all the minty notes, maybe some fruity undertones?

Doing this exercise whenever you feel a bit uninhibited will keep you from drifting off completely. By focusing on the here and now, you are training your mind to stay relaxed, calm and aware.

3) Do something creative
If you don’t feel like doing anything physical, there are other ways to turn your nervous energy into productivity.

Most people feel their most creative in moments of tension, sadness or disappointment. Instead of dwelling on your worries, harvest these raw emotions and do something poetic with them.

Maybe you can finally start that book project you’ve been thinking about, or maybe you can write a short poem.

Whatever you choose to do, this new activity is sure to help you redirect those excess mental energies elsewhere. Who knows, you might pick up a new hobby along the way.

Things you can do Focus on an object and describe it with your five senses Go eat, pay attention to each bite, make a list of the objects around you, go for a walk and interact with your environment.

4) Keep a diary of your emotions
Writing down every thought and emotion you have is beneficial for two reasons: a) you are able to reflect on your experiences in the moment and b) you can use these notes as a reference for the future.

Journaling is useful for chronic worriers because they tend to forget about their other realities. Worry can lead you to believe that your life is not satisfactory.

Having a diary will remind you that life isn’t as bad as you think it is right now. Whenever you feel desolate, you can have a more accurate picture of your life by reading old entries.

For me, writing always helps my mind to slow down and structure the information in my head. It allows me to understand my emotions so that I can accept them.

Keeping a diary helps you to express your painful feelings in a safe environment. No one will read what you write.

You may be angry, or sad. Whatever it is you are feeling, let it out. Process those feelings.

If you want to know how to start journaling, try asking these three questions.

How am I feeling?
What am I doing?
What would I like to change about my life?

These questions will give you insight into your emotions and prompt you to think about the future.

Writing down what you want to change gives you the ultimate responsibility to change your life.

Knowing that you hold the cards to create a better life is empowering. You don’t need to rely on others to take responsibility for your life and shape its direction.

The importance of controlling your worries
Repeat after me: worrying doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can be the only thing that motivates you to move forward and do better in life.

On the other hand, it can also be something that paralyses you and hurts your self-confidence.

Worry in itself is not harmful to the human spirit; it is the uncontrolled, uncontrolled forms of worry that eat away at your self-confidence and sense of hope.

While you can’t stop yourself from worrying, you need to remember that you don’t have to be a slave to your emotions either.

Give yourself time and space to worry about a situation, but don’t let it consume you for the rest of the day.

Instead of letting it control you, use worry to motivate yourself to create a better version of yourself.

Worry shouldn’t make you a weak person – it should help you imagine a life that is bigger than what you have now and push you to achieve that reality.

New free eBook. Attraction Triggers

Want to know how to get a man to fall in love with you and commit for the long term?

Then check out our free eBook Attraction Triggers.

This eBook contains everything you need to know about the predictable patterns that make men fall in love.

Most importantly, it will teach you practical techniques to activate these triggers in your man so that you can build a successful long-term relationship.

Check it out here.

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Author: Lachlan Brown
I’m Lachlan Brown, founder and editor of Hack Spirit. I enjoy writing practical articles that help others to live mindful and better lives. I have a postgraduate degree in psychology and have been reading and researching all practical approaches to human psychology and the hacker mindset for the past 6 years. If you would like to get in touch with me, please connect with me on Twitter or Facebook.

Living wisely
Courses and books to improve yourself when you’re stuck at home
By Lachlan BrownLachlan Brown
March 24th, 2020 at 5:23 am
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The only thing people care about right now is the coronavirus.

Our world is, indeed, in crisis and there will be more suffering in the future. Maybe even a lot of suffering.

It is a very difficult time. There is no way out.

I honestly don’t know what will happen, how long this will last, or when things will return to normal.

I’m not here to tell you that “everything will be fine.”

My heart goes out to everyone who has been affected by this pandemic and I hope you can stay safe and smart.

But what I do know is this…

Many of us will be spending a lot more time at home.

As boring as this may be, it provides an opportunity for us to learn new skills.

The world may be at a standstill, but that doesn’t mean our brains should be too.

It is easy to get lost in the doom and gloom, but let’s take a different perspective.

Let’s aim to be a better person when all this madness is over.

One of the best ways to achieve this when we are stuck at home is through online courses.

I’ve been obsessed with online education for years, so I’m going to go through the best courses I’ve ever taken.

I hope they will help you as much as they have helped me.

I’ve also included the best articles from the Hacker Spirit blog to consume in case you don’t want to spend money on a course or book.

  1. Drill down into MasterClass

When it comes to online education, there is nothing more famous than MasterClass.

It’s basically the Netflix of online education.

They have some of the most famous instructors in the world teaching their exact craft.

For example.

Malcolm Gladwell teaches writing
Chris Hadfield teaches space exploration
Christina Aguilera teaches singing
Gordon Ramsay teaches cooking
Deadmau5 teaches electronic dance music.
There’s much more to come.

If you watch some of the videos, or even the trailer, you’ll understand why I say it’s the Netflix of education.

The production quality of it is just great!

You can easily binge watch all the videos in a day.

The best bit?

It’s more educational than binge watching Netflix.

After all, you’re actually learning valuable life skills while you’re watching.

Sounds great, doesn’t it?

Now I’m sure you’re wondering: how much does it cost?

It’s $90 per class. But MasterClass also offers an “All Access Pass” that gives you unlimited access to all their classes for $180 per year.

Good news.

If you change your mind, you can get a full refund within 30 days.

Over the past few years, I have taken almost every MasterClass course available.

Now that I’m in self-imposed isolation, I’m going through them all again.

I have also put together this comprehensive review of MasterClass so that you can decide if they are right for you.

Click here to see my MasterClass review.

If you want to go straight to MasterClass now, click here.

  1. The Uncompromising Life by Marisa Peale
    This is an online hypnotherapy and mindfulness course taught by the great psychologist Marisa Peer.

As the founder of Hack Spirit (a website about mindfulness and self-improvement), I am obsessed with online educational courses that inspire you to change your life.

And I can honestly say that this is one of the most detailed and insightful courses I have ever taken. (You can read my review of the course here).

The Uncompromising Life course is all about taking responsibility for yourself and keeping your mind focused on what is important to you.

Marisa’s philosophy is simply to maximise your potential by unlocking your subconscious thoughts and becoming more aware of your actions.

It really is a great combination.

If you want to learn more about Marisa’s philosophy, you can start with her TedTalk titled “Going Beyond Your Limits by Training Your Mind”.

This material is a great introduction to what Marisa is like as a lecturer and psychologist, and can give you an idea of what to expect in her extensive courses.

This is it.

So, if you’re wondering if “Living Without Compromise” is for you, you should definitely consider the course if.

You have a pattern of failure in relationships and at work and want to discover why it keeps happening.
You are struggling with addictions (food, cigarettes, alcohol, shopping) and want to improve your life.
You have a tendency to self-sabotage or shut down and want to control these self-sabotaging habits.
You are crippled by fear and anxiety and don’t know how to move forward
You are suffering from trauma and want to move on from the past.
Marisa’s clients may be made up of the 1%, but her sessions are all about bringing these mindfulness tips and teachings closer to the average person.

This is great for you and for me.

The great thing about this course is that it will strengthen your foundation as a person, whether you have a specific problem or not.

The Uncompromising Life is a great resource that you can purchase for personal use or as a gift for a friend.

There is also a free masterclass that you can get a lot out of as well. If you are sceptical, I suggest you check it out first. Click here to check out Maria Peer’s free masterclass.

It is a perfect introduction to mindfulness, hypnotherapy and subliminal awareness and a complementary resource for students of psychology, health and mental health.

To purchase the course, please view it here.

  1. The No-Nonsense Guide to Using Buddhism and Eastern Philosophy to Make Life Better

Now, I may be a bit biased and this may be a bit self-promotional, but check out my eBook. A No-Nonsense Guide to Using Buddhism and Eastern Philosophy for a Better Life.

I spent a lot of time writing it and I’m really pleased with how it turned out. (You can read my story about how Buddhist philosophy changed my life here).

My book filters out the mystery of Eastern philosophies and shows you how to practically use their wisdom to improve your life.

There is no fluff. No nonsense. Just actionable advice.

By studying the lessons in this e-book, my aim is to make you realise that you don’t have to travel to remote caves, mountains or deserts to achieve a sense of tranquillity.

The relaxed, quiet confidence you seek is already within you. All you have to do is tap into it.

In my book, you’ll discover the core ingredients for achieving happiness anywhere, at any time, through.

  • Creating a state of mind The whole day
  • Learning how to meditate
  • Cultivating healthier relationships
  • Healing from pain and trauma
  • Free yourself from intrusive negative thoughts.

While I focus primarily on Buddhist teachings in the book – especially as they relate to mindfulness and meditation – I also offer key insights and ideas from Taoism, Jainism, Sikhism and Hinduism.

Think of it this way.

I’ve taken 5 of the world’s most powerful philosophies for achieving happiness and captured their most relevant and valid teachings, while filtering out the confusing jargon.

I’ve then shaped them into a highly practical, easy to follow guide to improve your life.

Check it out here and let me know what you think.

  1. ‘Thinking Outside the Box’ (Rudá Iandê)

This is another of my favourite online courses, taught by the wise Brazilian shaman Rudá Iandê.

Out of the Box is about discovering who you really are and releasing your true self.

It really helped me to face some of the limiting beliefs that were holding me back.

Instead of hiding from my insecurities and anxieties, I learned to face them and, most importantly, accept them.

To be honest, it wasn’t easy at the time, but looking back, I can’t express how much it changed my life.

Accepting your anxieties and your fears is vital to living a full and peaceful life.

What I like about Out of the Box is that it is not your typical ‘new age’ show.

For example, if you listen to most so-called ‘New Age gurus’ they will tell you to stop thinking negatively at all costs, avoid your anxieties and fears and be as optimistic as possible.

On the surface, this sounds good, but it doesn’t really help you to improve yourself and your life.

Why is that?

Because you can’t avoid reality. Pretending that everything is bright and positive won’t do you any good in the long run.

Rudá Iandê will take you on a journey that will challenge all your notions about yourself and your life.

It is a powerful approach for those who want to face their inner beasts, look them straight in the eye and make friends with them.

You will be given the knowledge and tools to free your mind from all the spiritual, religious, ideological and educational nonsense that limits you so that you can unleash your personal power, unlock your creativity, live an authentic life and connect deeply with your true nature.

You can also gain a ton of insightful and valuable knowledge in his free masterclasses here.

For the full course, click here.

  1. free resources from hackspirit.com
    Now I realise that the above courses or books cost money and it’s no secret that many of us are going through tough times at the moment.

So I’ve compiled all the articles on Hack Spirit that I’m most proud of and that will help you live a more mindful life.

I’ve broken them down into different topics so you can filter out what interests you most.

Calm your mind and reduce anxiety and stress.

  • How to stop overthinking: 10 effective tips
  • How to stop worrying: 9 tips to get your mind back on track.
  • How to deal with negative emotions. 10 things you need to remember
  • Emotional dullness. 8 tell-tale signs and 7 useful remedies

Life tips you can implement when you’re stuck at home.

  • I tried intermittent fasting for a month. Here’s what happened.
  • I tried Tom Brady’s TB 12 method diet. Here’s what happened.
  • 18 no-nonsense tips to (finally) make your life better.
  • How to be more productive: 18 effective tips to make your work more efficient.
  • The ultimate cheat sheet for meditation for beginners.

Relationship tips

  • How to get over someone. 11 no-bullshit tips
  • How to make a relationship work. 10 no-bullshit tips
  • How to deal with a narcissist when you’re stuck at home with them.
  • Is your man pulling away? Don’t make this big mistake
  • In a relationship with a narcissist? The advice you need to hear

Mindfulness tips

  • How to Love Yourself 15 Steps to Believe in Yourself Again
  • How to clear your mind. 10 no-nonsense tips (backed by research)
  • Unconventional self-improvement: 8 toxic beliefs to get rid of!
  • 3 Mindful Breathing Exercises
  • Unconventional Self-Improvement: 8 Toxic Beliefs to Get Rid of!

New free eBook. Attraction Triggers

Want to know how to get a man to fall in love with you and commit for the long term?

Then check out our free eBook Attraction Triggers.

This eBook contains everything you need to know about the predictable patterns that make men fall in love.

Most importantly, it will teach you practical techniques to activate these triggers in your man so that you can build a successful long-term relationship.

Check it out here.

Like us on Facebook!
Thank you so much for stopping by Hacker Spirit. I hope you enjoyed reading this article.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like to like us on Facebook.

We share articles just like the one you are reading right now. It means a lot to us if you can support and like our page. It also means that when we share a new article, you will be the first to find it.

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Lachlan Brown
Author: Lachlan Brown
I’m Lachlan Brown, founder and editor of Hack Spirit. I enjoy writing practical articles that help others to live mindful and better lives. I have a postgraduate degree in psychology and have been reading and researching all practical approaches to human psychology and the hacker mindset for the past 6 years. If you would like to get in touch with me, please connect with me on Twitter or Facebook.

Living Wisely
The Ex Factor review (2020). Can it help you get your ex back?
By Lachlan BrownLachlan Brown
March 23rd, 2020 at 4:10 am
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(This review contains affiliate links, which means I earn a commission if you end up buying the book. However, that doesn’t stop me from sharing the good and the bad of it. You can read my full affiliate disclosure here).

Let’s face it: breaking up sucks.

It’s a horrible experience that makes you question your self-worth, your potential future, everything! It completely turns your plans for the future upside down and can leave you in a dark place.

Sometimes, breaking up is for the best. But other times, breaking up is the wrong move. You’re meant to be together – and you’ll both be happier together in the long run.

If this is you, then it’s time to get your ex back.

That’s why The Ex Factor exists. The Ex Factor is a digital program to help you get your ex back.

But how effective is it?

I’ve read the book in its entirety and in this comprehensive The Ex Factor review, I’ll give you my no-nonsense, unbiased opinion on whether it’s worth buying.

Let’s start with a few words.

What is The Ex Factor?

Ex Factor is a dating strategy designed by Brad Browning that shows you how to win back your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend.

It is divided into two different courses: one for women looking to win back their ex-boyfriends and one for men looking to win back their ex-girlfriends. There is no course for same-sex couples.

The Ex Factor is based around a PDF e-book which is just under 200 pages. It has about a dozen chapters of step-by-step advice on how to develop strategies to win back your ex-girlfriend.

The book is enhanced by a video series as well as an audiobook version of the PDF. In addition to this, you can also purchase an upgraded version which contains an additional set of audiobooks and videos that target specific elements of a relationship, such as preventing breakups or the science of why people cheat.

The main thing to remember is that it’s all online. Videos, eBooks, the whole lot. This is a dedicated online program that you purchase access to.

Watch the EX FACTOR video
Who is Brad Browning?

Brad Browning is a breakup and divorce coach.

His career revolves around helping people through breakups and reconciling relationships. He runs a popular YouTube channel with around 500,000 subscribers where he advises people on how to maintain and improve their romantic relationships.

He also lists his shoe size on his ‘About Me’ because it’s worth it. He also says that he is (happily) married.

Brad is the real deal when it comes to relationship advice, especially when it comes to winning back your ex.

Who is The Ex Factor for?

The Ex Factor is for a very specific person: a man or woman who has broken up with someone and legitimately believes that the break-up was a mistake.

This book details a series of psychological, flirtatious and (some would say) sneaky steps that a person can take to get their ex back.

This is not a book for someone who wants to use a breakup to become a more self-actualised person. This is not a book for people who want to see how their ex is dragging them down. Nor is this a book to help couples with counselling.

This is a book with one goal: to help you win your ex back.

If you’ve been broken up with and you want to take concrete steps to make your ex feel like “hey, that guy was actually amazing and I made a mistake”, then this is the book for you.

That’s the heart of this project: getting your ex to say “I made a huge mistake”.

Watch the EX FACTOR video
Overview of The Ex Factor

The course is centred around the book itself.” The Ex Factor”. In reviewing The Ex Factor, I was given access to a guide for women.

So, what does the guide look like?

The first part of the guide details the reasons for breakups. The reasons given are all things like “you’re too controlling, you’re not attractive enough, etc.”, which I found a little surprising.

None of the reasons listed were things like “you’re not compatible” or “he wants kids and you don’t” or any of the dozens of valid reasons why people break up.

The Ex Factor can be described more as a form of “tough love”. You’re not interesting enough. You nag too much.

And it’s probably true – if someone breaks up with you, then there’s a reason they’re not entirely happy with you.

The book relies quite heavily on generalizations and stereotypes, but hey, there’s a reason for generalizations. I mean, Brad dispenses advice like “men like sports.” And most of us like it.

So, what I’m saying is that The Ex Factor leans heavily on straightforward, sex-focused advice.

For example, Brad has a chapter on “What’s Attractive” and leads with “Being Feminine”. This is often true; men find femininity attractive. Biologically speaking, this is a valid strategy.

But don’t expect a lot of personalisation; that’s not the game of The Ex Factor.

What does it cover?
So The Ex Factor (over the course of about 15 chapters) starts with the following.

What men (or women) find attractive
What they don’t find attractive
Rules of non-contact
Dating someone else out of jealousy
How to seduce your ex again
Restarting your sex life
How to prevent a break-up.
The ex factor revolves around the “no contact rule”, a 30-day window of “no contact” where you, the person who has been broken up with, cannot initiate contact at all.

Basically, this rule is there to protect you. It helps you reset your brain, decide if you really want to go through with winning your ex back, and helps you build up your self-worth.

It helps prevent your ex from coming back to you during a breakup and using you as an emotional crutch that he/she can dispose of when no longer needed.

Breakups are a vulnerable time and it’s easy to jump at the first text from your ex. However, The Ex Factor holds “do not contact” sacred. 30 days (or 31 days, however long the month is).

After that, The Ex Factor details how you can respond or initiate contact. It focuses specifically on creating a non-dating ‘date’, where you use a series of mental and physical tricks to convince your ex that you don’t need to, while also proving to him that damn you’re a good catch.

From here, it pushes on to how to lock down the relationship. A key step is to make sure there’s no sex and that your ex isn’t using you as a sexual outlet before you officially get back together.

It also covers some ‘worst case scenarios’, such as your ex never reaching out to you or responding to your overtures.

Apart from that, the audiobook is only an audio version of the text. The videos detail specific examples and techniques for breaking up, but the main content of The Ex Factor is the e-book.

Watch The Ex Factor video
How much does it cost?
US$47. This is a one-time payment that gives you unlimited access to the eBook, audiobook and supplementary materials.

Is The Ex Factor worth the price?

If you want your ex back and you want to employ some techniques to achieve that goal, then yes, this book is worth it.

If you’re looking for a book that delves into why you broke up, how to better yourself as a person, or how to value how good you are, this isn’t the book for you.

And that’s okay. If a book tries to do too many things, it won’t do them well.

This book is for people who want to get their ex back. And I think it would be a very effective resource to do that.

Pros of The Ex Factor

One time payment
The first benefit is that it’s a one-time payment. Many of these coaching programs only sell access for a limited period of time. Instead of The Ex Factor, The Ex Factor is $47 and you get lifetime access.

That’s good because it promises it will work – you get a tin 60 day money back guarantee.

47 is not pocket money. But if you still love your ex – and want them back – then this is a no-brainer investment.

Easy-to-follow steps
The guide is very simple. It gives you frank advice that you can easily follow. It also doesn’t cost much to implement. After you buy the book, you don’t need to buy the supporting elements.

Real world examples
Brad includes letters written by real people to Brad detailing specific breakup-related issues. He then includes responses on how to handle these situations.

This is a nice touch.

Includes an audio version
I really appreciated this option. The e-book is in PDF format and is easily accessible on many devices. Nonetheless, if you want to listen to it on the go, the alternate audiobook version is a great option.

Brad is honest.
The Ex Factor doesn’t shy away from being upfront about what men and women are attracted to. While it doesn’t allow for deviations from the general rules, it addresses head-on that there are elements of physical attraction and general courtship that are invaluable in a relationship.

The book encourages breakups to lean towards pre-dating seduction strategies.

The Ex Factor won’t let you wallow in it
This book is great in that it gives you positive solutions. Breakups are a tough time and it’s really good to have a goal when you’re feeling low.

Cons of The Ex Factor
Any review of The Ex Factor wouldn’t be honest if it didn’t point out the less than stellar aspects of the book. Here are those things.

Tips and strategies
I’m a fan of The Ex Factor because I think it works.

However, I was a little disappointed by it: the advice is largely based on tips and strategies for winning your ex back. It’s not about seeing if you’re compatible with your ex.

This doesn’t mean that the tips and strategies Brad presents in The Ex Factor won’t be effective. I found myself agreeing with many of them.

It’s just unfortunate that this book treats a relationship as the end goal, rather than a state of being that needs to be nurtured.

Denial
This is an example of a technique that Brad uses.

He suggests negging as a dating strategy. It’s like a “backhanded compliment” that will make your ex more attractive to you.

Now, this may work, but it’s not great either.

Brad believes that negging is a fun and flirty strategy to get your ex back. I just don’t like it.

My verdict.

The ex factor is a niche product. It’s not a guide to getting over your ex, surviving a breakup, learning how to date, or any other element.

It is a guide to winning your ex back. And it’s an impressive one, too.

There aren’t a ton of programs that operate in the “win your ex back” space, so if you want to win your ex back, and you’re committed to winning him/her back, then this is definitely the program for you.

Brad’s specific, step-by-step advice has been developed with one goal in mind: winning your ex back. If you follow these steps specifically, then you have a very good chance of rekindling the relationship.

The Ex Factor does get into some underhanded strategies and it assumes a one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to attraction, breakups and relationships. But if your relationship fits within Brad’s parameters, then you may have great success with this program. The thing.

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